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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling left out because I don't have a girl

223 replies

elive · 27/07/2023 16:23

I have two lovely sons, DS1 is 5 and DS2 is 3. I have 5 very close friends, every single one of them has a DD who is about 4 (all in the same school year everything), this wasn't planned obviously, 3 of them are born within 4 months of one and other, the others a little later. Most of them have other kids too, one has a 2 year old boy, another a 6 year old boy, so I can bond with them over that.
Right now all their girls are due to start their first year of proper school, they are all bonding over that, buying their cute uniforms etc. Last year my son started and I didn't really have anyone to share it with.
The girls all do ballet together on a Saturday morning, the school they do ballet at has a cafe so they all sit and have a cuppa together, neither of my boys want to do ballet, even if they did it is done on school years, so I'd be there at a different time.
When they were babies, it was much much less noticeable my son and the 5 girls were born within 18 months of each other, the baby stage and even toddlers was great.
Now the group chat is all buying the right ballet clothes, sharing cute outfit ideas etc. I just have nothing to contribute.

AIBU feeling left out? I don't really have other friends.

OP posts:
Thebirdhouse · 27/07/2023 19:36

I wonder OP if the group isn't just drifting apart.? When you were all at uni and starting out, things would have been more on an even keel. Now people have married, financial situations have changed and hobbies too and you have all grown into different people.

It is entirely normal for people to chat about what they have in common. I imagine that there was a lot of talk about choosing schools which you also felt left out of? Now its clothes and school shoes and anybody with similarly aged children can join in a conversation about school shoes. I don't understand why you felt left out of that conversation?

I don't agree or like the posts saying that the girls will fall out etc. They might or they might not and its not worth wasting your time hoping some sexist rubbish comes true. What is more relevant for you is how you feel within the group? I get the impression that you don't feel part of it anymore? This hasn't anything to do with whether you have a son or a daughter. It is how involved and close you feel to the other women? It sounds like you think you don't fit in and have nothing in common with them anymore? If you feel that, you have two options. Either accept that and try to make friendships elsewhere? Or become the person who organises the evenings with your uni friends. Be the person who suggests the cinema and organises it. Be the person who suggests trying a new restaurant and organises it. Create shared experiences to strengthen the group's bonds.

Babybabybabyy · 27/07/2023 19:42

That’s a shame 😔 I think this is inevitable as they get older and naturally split into more obvious groups to do with things they’re into. Lots of my friends I had pre-baby all happened to have a baby within a few months of my son being born and he’s the only boy. I do feel like this must happen more especially with boys because it can sort of feel like the girl mums are in this little clique talking about hair bows and sparkly shoes, while you’re wrestling a toddler carrying a dinosaur off the floor. I’m sure this would just become more and more obvious as the years go on too as they get into more hobbies. I’m not sure what the answer is though unfortunately ☹️

Hannahsbananas · 27/07/2023 19:55

JenWillsiam · 27/07/2023 18:46

Where are you and how old are your kids?

it’s naive to think that the financial difference doesn’t impact and the general differences in education, social expectations etc.

Show quote history

There isn’t necessarily a financial difference (or social expectations 😂).
Not all the “haves” choose private education.

BettyBallerina · 27/07/2023 19:56

Maybe they’re competing on cute outfits. Very probable that at least one of the girl mums also finds it mega boring. It’ll probably eventually implode as the girls (and their mums) get older and less into pink tutus.

Thebirdhouse · 27/07/2023 19:58

Hannahsbananas · 27/07/2023 19:55

There isn’t necessarily a financial difference (or social expectations 😂).
Not all the “haves” choose private education.

Show quote history

Your post reads like you want people to know that you can afford private education and are rattled that people might think you can't because your children go to a state school.

The OP has already said that the financial situation varies so much it is a topic they never speak about.

Hannahsbananas · 27/07/2023 20:01

Thebirdhouse · 27/07/2023 19:58

Your post reads like you want people to know that you can afford private education and are rattled that people might think you can't because your children go to a state school.

The OP has already said that the financial situation varies so much it is a topic they never speak about.

Show quote history

No, that wasn’t what I wanted at all, it’s simply an observation.(London here. It may differ elsewhere).

purpletrees16 · 27/07/2023 20:10

Lol all my uni friends had kids over the last 2 years whilst I’ve been unsuccessfully ttc. I am still friends with them all. Just change the topic? You don’t need to have the same life experiences as all your friends?

JenWillsiam · 27/07/2023 20:35

Hannahsbananas · 27/07/2023 19:55

There isn’t necessarily a financial difference (or social expectations 😂).
Not all the “haves” choose private education.

Show quote history

You aren’t sending your kid to state school in london if you can afford the alternative.

Hannahsbananas · 27/07/2023 20:38

JenWillsiam · 27/07/2023 20:35

You aren’t sending your kid to state school in london if you can afford the alternative.

Show quote history

Well, yes and yes.
All state schools are not made equal. Pretty much like private schools, really.

JenWillsiam · 27/07/2023 20:39

Hannahsbananas · 27/07/2023 20:38

Well, yes and yes.
All state schools are not made equal. Pretty much like private schools, really.

Show quote history

Which brings us back to the original point. The gap will widen.

Hannahsbananas · 27/07/2023 20:51

JenWillsiam · 27/07/2023 20:39

Which brings us back to the original point. The gap will widen.

Show quote history

Not necessarily.
I have a foot in both camps, so to speak. Of my three children, one of them actually is privately educated…
Various reasons why which I won’t go into here, but really, no.

JenWillsiam · 27/07/2023 21:04

Hannahsbananas · 27/07/2023 20:51

Not necessarily.
I have a foot in both camps, so to speak. Of my three children, one of them actually is privately educated…
Various reasons why which I won’t go into here, but really, no.

Show quote history

Again, if you’re in London and can afford private that’s what you’re doing.

IglesiasPiggl · 27/07/2023 21:11

JenWillsiam · 27/07/2023 18:46

Where are you and how old are your kids?

it’s naive to think that the financial difference doesn’t impact and the general differences in education, social expectations etc.

Show quote history

SW London, kids are 15 and 17, so we're all well past naivete thank you 😊.

JenWillsiam · 27/07/2023 21:16

IglesiasPiggl · 27/07/2023 21:11

SW London, kids are 15 and 17, so we're all well past naivete thank you 😊.

Show quote history

Which shoe are you wearing? State or private?

Hannahsbananas · 27/07/2023 21:22

JenWillsiam · 27/07/2023 21:04

Again, if you’re in London and can afford private that’s what you’re doing.

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I’m quite happy for you to proclaim I’m doing it wrong 😊
Not an ounce of skin off my nose what you think 😘

JenWillsiam · 27/07/2023 21:28

Hannahsbananas · 27/07/2023 21:22

I’m quite happy for you to proclaim I’m doing it wrong 😊
Not an ounce of skin off my nose what you think 😘

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Well I don’t believe you. Put it that way.

Thebirdhouse · 27/07/2023 21:30

Of my three children, one of them actually isprivately educated…

Because you can only afford to send one to a private school.
Its nothing to be ashamed of. As parents we all do the best we can for our children.

Hannahsbananas · 27/07/2023 21:32

No, that really isn’t the reason. As if I’d choose one… But like I said, I’m not getting into an argument about my choices.
Think what you like 👍
You too, Jen 😂

kayserah · 27/07/2023 21:38

I find it sad that so many Mum’s lose their identity when they have kids. BTW cute ballet outfits sounds 🤢. Be glad you escaped that one.

mondaytosunday · 27/07/2023 21:44

In my daughter's year group weekly coffee mornings I was the only one with a girl. But I had a boy (older), and the preschool post natal group I was in he was the only boy, and we met regularly until they all started different schools. Other than some brief chat about whatever boys or girls activity it was general parenting/school/personal chat. At that age they pretty much did the same stuff anyway.

XelaM · 27/07/2023 23:45

JenWillsiam · 27/07/2023 21:04

Again, if you’re in London and can afford private that’s what you’re doing.

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I have a kid in private school in London, but your comment is total nonsense. London has some of the best state schools in the country.

JenWillsiam · 28/07/2023 07:50

XelaM · 27/07/2023 23:45

I have a kid in private school in London, but your comment is total nonsense. London has some of the best state schools in the country.

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Send your kid there then 😂

Weflewinstyle · 28/07/2023 08:45

JenWillsiam · 28/07/2023 07:50

Send your kid there then 😂

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You need to live on the doorstep invariably

JenWillsiam · 28/07/2023 08:50

Weflewinstyle · 28/07/2023 08:45

You need to live on the doorstep invariably

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of what?

Weflewinstyle · 28/07/2023 08:54

JenWillsiam · 28/07/2023 08:50

of what?

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What we are talking about

state schools in London