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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling left out because I don't have a girl

223 replies

elive · 27/07/2023 16:23

I have two lovely sons, DS1 is 5 and DS2 is 3. I have 5 very close friends, every single one of them has a DD who is about 4 (all in the same school year everything), this wasn't planned obviously, 3 of them are born within 4 months of one and other, the others a little later. Most of them have other kids too, one has a 2 year old boy, another a 6 year old boy, so I can bond with them over that.
Right now all their girls are due to start their first year of proper school, they are all bonding over that, buying their cute uniforms etc. Last year my son started and I didn't really have anyone to share it with.
The girls all do ballet together on a Saturday morning, the school they do ballet at has a cafe so they all sit and have a cuppa together, neither of my boys want to do ballet, even if they did it is done on school years, so I'd be there at a different time.
When they were babies, it was much much less noticeable my son and the 5 girls were born within 18 months of each other, the baby stage and even toddlers was great.
Now the group chat is all buying the right ballet clothes, sharing cute outfit ideas etc. I just have nothing to contribute.

AIBU feeling left out? I don't really have other friends.

OP posts:
Weflewinstyle · 27/07/2023 16:37

Op - new schools, new world of people and friends that they see day on and day out

the same will be for you next year

crocodileindenial · 27/07/2023 16:38

I feel the same OP as I have an ASD girl and can't relate to a lot of the 'girly girl' talk as mine won't tolerate many clothes apart from leggings and harem pants, which I love and are generally better for playing. I notice that some of the NT girls fall out with each other every five minutes, cry dramatically, talk about each-other. And they're eight! I'm pretty pleased at times that mine doesn't go along with it and would rather climb a tree or find a dog to play with!
Despite this I do feel left out at times. Especially as she is left out of partys, play dates, sleepovers etc. I agree that their daughters should invite who they genuinely like rather than who they feel obliged to, so I can't really fault them. It's just lonely sometimes.
You're really lucky to have lovely sons and I hope they learn in time that they should value your friendship more.

Original poster
elive · 27/07/2023 16:39

Weflewinstyle · 27/07/2023 16:37

Op - new schools, new world of people and friends that they see day on and day out

the same will be for you next year

I've never managed to befriend my older sons, classmates parents, is there a trick to it? I only do the school run once a week so have little interaction with them.

OP posts:
crocodileindenial · 27/07/2023 16:40

@elive the trick is to chat to them at parties!

YourNameGoesHere · 27/07/2023 16:40

I'm genuinely surprised you haven't made new parent friends through nct, nursery or especially now your eldest is at school. It's quite common to drift apart from people you met in your 20s as you get older and your life experiences take you in different directions. The friendship has done well to last this long but you probably should try to find some other parents you have more in common with.

Original poster
elive · 27/07/2023 16:41

Weflewinstyle · 27/07/2023 16:32

do you / they work?

We all work, my colleagues and I are acquaintances but not friends, I know most of them have other friends, be that from their kids nursery years, work, hobbies. I'm probably more reliant on that group for socialising than they are.

OP posts:
StephanieSuperpowers · 27/07/2023 16:41

It's interesting that there are a number of posters here who are trying to console you by saying that sometimes girls, like all people, fall out. The misogyny is just incredible.

OP, your friends are bonding over having the same experience at the same time. Thu6s won't last, not because the children in question are girls and therefore dreadful, but because they will grow up as children do. Age gaps will narrow, there will be fewer exciting first things. Just hang in there and give it a few more months.

WiddlinDiddlin · 27/07/2023 16:42

You need to re-jig the way you think.

They are not 'bonding' over ballet outfits. They are wittering and chatting and you'll find that as the kids go to different schools, make new friends etc, these 'bonds' fall by the wayside soon enough.

Widen your circle, ideally to folks who have a bit more to talk about than frilly dresses. Real friendship bonds are not made over frocks or trainers - they're made by actual experiences shared, going places, doing things, togehter, not sitting in a cafe having a witter.

Original poster
elive · 27/07/2023 16:43

YourNameGoesHere · 27/07/2023 16:40

I'm genuinely surprised you haven't made new parent friends through nct, nursery or especially now your eldest is at school. It's quite common to drift apart from people you met in your 20s as you get older and your life experiences take you in different directions. The friendship has done well to last this long but you probably should try to find some other parents you have more in common with.

It is probably my fault I haven't, I can be quite introverted, only ended up friends with this group as I ended up living with two of them in my mid-20s and they brought me out my shell !!

OP posts:
Weflewinstyle · 27/07/2023 16:44

elive · 27/07/2023 16:39

I've never managed to befriend my older sons, classmates parents, is there a trick to it? I only do the school run once a week so have little interaction with them.

Show quote history

So you attend the class drinks? That kind of thing

Weflewinstyle · 27/07/2023 16:44

Ok read your updates
OP - rather than focus on feeling left out, I think your focus should be broadening your friendship group.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/07/2023 16:45

elive · 27/07/2023 16:29

No, we have been friends for well over a decade, met in early 20s through uni or mutuals.

Show quote history

I'd be more frustrated that the conversation seems to be exclusively child focused. What happened?

mathanxiety · 27/07/2023 16:46

pilates · 27/07/2023 16:28

Give it a couple of years when all the girls may start falling out and you will be thankful. 😀

Haha, that's exactly what I was going to post.

It's as predictable as next Tuesday. Hang in there, OP.

Also, find boy mom friends.

tattygrl · 27/07/2023 16:48

It seems bizarre to me that as parents of young children all around the same age, you think the bonding goes on over gendered clothes and hobbies. Wouldn't the bonding, as mums, happen over talking about how your children are doing, how they are as little people not just the "boyish" things and the "girlish" things? I'm not trying to be high and mighty about it but surely you bond with other parents by talking about parenting, not about the specific interests of your kids. Yes they'll spend some time talking about where to get the cutest tutus for ballet class, but can't you also talk about their moods, feelings, things they get up to at home, all of that - the daily life stuff that isn't gendered?

LoudSnoringDog · 27/07/2023 16:50

It will change once they’ve started school

Original poster
elive · 27/07/2023 16:50

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/07/2023 16:45

I'd be more frustrated that the conversation seems to be exclusively child focused. What happened?

Show quote history

Our life's are work and kids, none of us have the same or even similar jobs (ranges from Solicitor to Dance Teacher), when something else is happening we have non-kid related convo, when Wimbledon was happening we spoke about that a lot, there is a group chat dedicated to meal ideas etc. just a lot of the day to day chat is about kids.
I think it is amplified right now with it being holidays and the "What colour leotard is it again" "Where's everyone getting school shoes from" chats being the most common.

OP posts:
QuietDragon · 27/07/2023 16:52

My DD has never had any friendship issues! Nor have I had any fallings out over whose DD is the prettiest with my friends. Hmm People on here can be so strange about little girls!

OP I think you're just drifting from this group, the girl thing is irrelevant.

Original poster
elive · 27/07/2023 16:52

tattygrl · 27/07/2023 16:48

It seems bizarre to me that as parents of young children all around the same age, you think the bonding goes on over gendered clothes and hobbies. Wouldn't the bonding, as mums, happen over talking about how your children are doing, how they are as little people not just the "boyish" things and the "girlish" things? I'm not trying to be high and mighty about it but surely you bond with other parents by talking about parenting, not about the specific interests of your kids. Yes they'll spend some time talking about where to get the cutest tutus for ballet class, but can't you also talk about their moods, feelings, things they get up to at home, all of that - the daily life stuff that isn't gendered?

You are right, we usually do have more diverse chat, but I still feel it in term time, when they have had their weekly coffee and chatted about whatever. Right now the chat is very school/kids clubs focused due to the time of year.
We also have things like politics/money totally off topic as the range of financial situations is large.

OP posts:
Weflewinstyle · 27/07/2023 16:54

Op a lot of what you describe re your interaction with them is virtual

when do you actually get together with them in person? And what about how often together but no children in tow?

loveteacake · 27/07/2023 16:55

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

Original poster
elive · 27/07/2023 16:56

Weflewinstyle · 27/07/2023 16:54

Op a lot of what you describe re your interaction with them is virtual

when do you actually get together with them in person? And what about how often together but no children in tow?

We meet up once a month for drinks, no kids.
With the kids is really just birthday parties, or individual playdates within the group.

OP posts:
Weflewinstyle · 27/07/2023 16:57

And these are your only friends?

Usernameunknownfornow · 27/07/2023 16:57

I have all boys, but grew up with mainly females, to me I don't feel left out not having a girl, I think it's a blessing in a way because I wouldn't be able to handle having a girl as I am one myself and know what a brat I used to be lol

Weflewinstyle · 27/07/2023 16:58

Your son is at school

have you invited any children over?

HarrietJet · 27/07/2023 17:00

There'll be a class leotard, op. They really will not be sitting there week after week, bonding over "cute outfits".

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