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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling left out because I don't have a girl

223 replies

elive · 27/07/2023 16:23

I have two lovely sons, DS1 is 5 and DS2 is 3. I have 5 very close friends, every single one of them has a DD who is about 4 (all in the same school year everything), this wasn't planned obviously, 3 of them are born within 4 months of one and other, the others a little later. Most of them have other kids too, one has a 2 year old boy, another a 6 year old boy, so I can bond with them over that.
Right now all their girls are due to start their first year of proper school, they are all bonding over that, buying their cute uniforms etc. Last year my son started and I didn't really have anyone to share it with.
The girls all do ballet together on a Saturday morning, the school they do ballet at has a cafe so they all sit and have a cuppa together, neither of my boys want to do ballet, even if they did it is done on school years, so I'd be there at a different time.
When they were babies, it was much much less noticeable my son and the 5 girls were born within 18 months of each other, the baby stage and even toddlers was great.
Now the group chat is all buying the right ballet clothes, sharing cute outfit ideas etc. I just have nothing to contribute.

AIBU feeling left out? I don't really have other friends.

OP posts:
MumblesParty · 27/07/2023 17:45

It won’t last OP. Kids change all the time. Some will want to give up ballet, or switch to a different time slot due to another activity. Or they won’t be such good friends any more etc. Nothing stays the same for long with young kids. I found friendships when my kids were this age quite difficult to maintain, because as the kids’ interests deviate, so the meet-ups are harder to manage. Just do what you can to keep things ticking over, and wait for a time when you can meet up without the kids!

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 27/07/2023 17:54

This is bizzare - I don’t go on about girls clothes or anything gendered most of the time. Yes perhaps there is more commonality btwn kids of the same gender but only when the kids are older. At 4/5 there’s almost no difference. I think your friendships are drifting and have possibly run their course. Don’t be frightened by that. You made friends once you can do so again.

It’s not normal for friends to behave in a way that ostracises one of the group, unless they’ve all moved on in a different direction. You can find people who have more in common with you, just allow yourself to move in your own direction.

But equally - are you sure you aren’t being over sensitive? I know that I find it quite hard when my friends start saying how amazing it has to have a sister, they are best friends blah blah, knowing full well I’m not in that position. But generally the conversation will not focus on that, nor will it be a big sticking point, and I know I’m very sensitive to it rather than my friends being OTT about it.

PinkIcedCream · 27/07/2023 17:55

You sound very passive as if you’re waiting for great new friends to suddenly appear and sweep you up into their group. That’s not gonna happen!

I’d reduce my reliance on this group in your shoes as they’ve bonded much more over having girls, so you clearly no longer meet the entry requirements.

You need to put more of your effort into making (great) new friends. Start with parents in the school yard, kids clubs and and any adult hobby that you might enjoy.

Say YES to all invitations at the start. Try to attend a lot more events, volunteer your services and start talking to whoever you happen to stand next to. We moved country when DS started school and knew no-one. I had to put in loads of effort initially to get to know a wide range of people (not just school mums) and build a group of new friends, but with a bit of concerted effort on your part, it’s not too difficult to do.

DanceMumTaxi · 27/07/2023 17:59

Ah it’s horrible that you feel left out when you’ve known them a long time. I’m sure they’re not doing it deliberately or even aware that you feel this way. As others have said, it’ll probably change once they start school, I can pretty much guarantee that they won’t all continue with ballet long-term. Unlike others though, I’m actually not surprised that you haven’t made friends with the parents in your 7 year olds class. When my 10 year old started school nearly everyone had a full class party, the mums would organise meet ups in the park with the kids and nights out just us. There was loads of opportunities to get to know each other. My other child is 7 and I don’t know the parents in her class nearly as well, and I think this is because of covid. Her reception year was very badly affected with lockdowns, limited meet-up, social distancing etc so it just wasn’t the same as when ds started. Now the time and opportunity seems to have passed to make friends. Everyone chats at pick up, but definitely different.

Moonshine5 · 27/07/2023 18:07

Boys participate in ballet too

Verbena17 · 27/07/2023 18:07

You could try making friends in another way that doesn’t involve kids and their clubs.

What do you enjoy? Why not join a running club/swimming/book club etc. Somewhere where you don’t have to be kid-focussed. There is so much more to friendships than sharing your childrens’ lives.

CaptainJackSparrow85 · 27/07/2023 18:12

I’ll probably get flamed for this but in my experience I’ve found it’s ‘girl mums’ who tend to be the cliquey ones.

gotmychristmasmiracle · 27/07/2023 18:12

Know the feeling, all my friends have boys ☺️

OrangeKettle · 27/07/2023 18:13

pilates · 27/07/2023 16:28

Give it a couple of years when all the girls may start falling out and you will be thankful. 😀

As the mother of two girls…. This!!

BettyBallerina · 27/07/2023 18:19

Oh, that sounds very tiresome. Silence the chat.

SoShallINever · 27/07/2023 18:19

I hate all this nonsense about girly things.
Your friends sound boring and insufferable.
Do they never get the kids making things with lego? Go hiking or on steam trains for the day? Fishing? Riding? Sailing? Football?
No? all about the nails and the dancing is just so depressing.

DanceMumTaxi · 27/07/2023 18:27

@SoShallINever makes a really good point. My 7 year old dd is a VERY girly girl, who dances competitively. But she also really likes doing loads of the listed above. She loves being outdoors, loves camping, swimming, Lego, walks, digging in the mud, trains, trampoline parks etc. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. Maybe you could suggest an activity you could all meet up and do over the holidays.

JenWillsiam · 27/07/2023 18:32

Word of warning. This is going to get much much worse as they get older. The prep state school difference is huge. You need to widen your friendship group.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 27/07/2023 18:40

DS age 4 is just leaving nursery. His 2 best friends are girls and their mums meet up a lot more due to sharing a ballet class, so I get it. Playdates are getting thinner because the girls want to sit and watch a film after an hour whereas DS wants to be a knight and rescue them from a dragon.

That said I was in a boy-heavy NCT group (initially 5 boys 3 girls, now 9 boys 5 girls) and it's the girl mums who feel a bit left out as their girls are less inclined to charge around in the mud for 4 hours. These things ebb and flow.

IglesiasPiggl · 27/07/2023 18:44

JenWillsiam · 27/07/2023 18:32

Word of warning. This is going to get much much worse as they get older. The prep state school difference is huge. You need to widen your friendship group.

I don't know where you live, but where I am the prep/state school is a non-issue. Not huge at all.

Canthave2manycats · 27/07/2023 18:45

CaptainJackSparrow85 · 27/07/2023 18:12

I’ll probably get flamed for this but in my experience I’ve found it’s ‘girl mums’ who tend to be the cliquey ones.

That's nonsense. Anyway you do realise some of us have both?

JenWillsiam · 27/07/2023 18:46

IglesiasPiggl · 27/07/2023 18:44

I don't know where you live, but where I am the prep/state school is a non-issue. Not huge at all.

Show quote history

Where are you and how old are your kids?

it’s naive to think that the financial difference doesn’t impact and the general differences in education, social expectations etc.

HauntedPencil · 27/07/2023 18:51

I think the fact that they are going to the same school and are the same age and do the same hobby is more relevant than their sex and having all that in common. As they start school they'll make different friends as will you - you won't always socialise with them around children.

Are there any hobbies your son enjoys? I'd start him with a few things there - have a party for his bday and get some numbers have a few play dates. You might not bond as closely with the parents as with your old friends but it would be good to get to know them.

It'll die down as well and not be so intense as they all become more individual

Canthave2manycats · 27/07/2023 19:00

StephanieSuperpowers · 27/07/2023 16:41

It's interesting that there are a number of posters here who are trying to console you by saying that sometimes girls, like all people, fall out. The misogyny is just incredible.

OP, your friends are bonding over having the same experience at the same time. Thu6s won't last, not because the children in question are girls and therefore dreadful, but because they will grow up as children do. Age gaps will narrow, there will be fewer exciting first things. Just hang in there and give it a few more months.

It's not misogyny - trust me, I have 2 girls and 1 boy! Come the age of about 9 or 10.... 🙄It's definitely a thing!

My uni friends only have boys and they're older than any of mine. I don't think we spent a lot of time discussing their activities at all. My daughters did ballet, and they had a white leotard with one of the frilly dilly skirts, and a purple one with a character skirt for exams etc. Not much to talk about!

Your 'problem' is the same as mine. I did do school dropoffs but not the pickups so I didn't get to meet that many parents, just the parents of the kids' friends, and I wouldn't say we ever became friends. Actually I sat beside a lady at a meeting just before my eldest left primary school. We got chatting and it turned out that my daughter and her son had been in the same class all the way through, but she wasn't on the school run either!!

I think maybe you 'perceive' this barrier more than it actually is a 'thing' - do you think? Or do you have a desire to have a daughter and this conversation about girl children is making you feel bad?

Why not suggest an activity that all the kids could do - like swimming lessons? It's a good chance to bond at the side of the hellish infernal pool and it's a great life skill.

I finally caved in and joined the PTA.... I am not a typical PTA mum, but I made friends there and am part of a great friendship group through that. I am the oldest by a number of years, and our children are all different ages. All of the others have boy/girl (just realised that) but they are all at quite different stages of growing up, or are grown up.

Canthave2manycats · 27/07/2023 19:02

PS don't jettison your current friendship group - you have all that 'shared history' and it's anything like my uni group, 40 years on, when we see each other, it just all 'fits' the way it always did.

NotQuiteHere · 27/07/2023 19:07

buying the right ballet clothes, sharing cute outfit ideas etc.

How boring

Superfoodie123 · 27/07/2023 19:09

I have a girl and never talk about her "cute outfits"

Either they are dull as or you're sensitive about not having a girl

JenWillsiam · 27/07/2023 19:11

Canthave2manycats · 27/07/2023 18:45

That's nonsense. Anyway you do realise some of us have both?

Show quote history

I’ve got both and find the girls mums intolerable.

Wonderfulstuff · 27/07/2023 19:15

OP - I have a DD the same age and have a good friend with the same age DD and I can assure you we NEVER talk about ballet clothes or cute outfits. Find yourself some cooler friends who have better things to talk about.

Peony654 · 27/07/2023 19:17

YANBU. how boring, and I’m surprised the kids sex is determining so much of their activities etc. a group chat about kids stuff all the time sounds so dull. Maybe look for some new friends…