Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask them to provide for their child when in my care

357 replies

Hmmokthen · 25/07/2023 08:31

New here please bare with me. So me and Ex DH have 3 DC together after the first 2DC and 10years together we separated briefly for a few months and then decided to give it another go. During the time we were separated he got someone else pregnant.

Ok I wasn't doing cartwheels over it but it happened. During the pregnancy I fell pregnant. (when both were born there would be 7months age gap)

When his DC was born they started staying with us 50% of the time while they were with us we provided everything milk, nappies,wipes, clothes pushchair literally everything they needed. I didn't have a problem with this I believe you should provide for your kids. I was the primary caregiver when they were with us again I didn't have a problem with this it was my choice.

This continued throughout my pregnancy and after my last DC was born. When last DC was 3months old DH and myself decided our relationship really wasn't working and we would be better to go out separate ways the split was pretty amicable.

His DC from the time we were previously separated continued to come stay with me and her siblings 3-4days a week which I am happy about as we have such a good bond and I see them as my bonus child.

I'm absolutely fine with this to continue however it's now been 6months since we separated and neither of her bio parents have sent anything when they come to stay no nappies no milk not even a spare set of clothing.

I'm getting really fed up with this. Ex DH provides bare minimum for any of DC and the minimum he does provide will be a bag if shopping every now and again (I don't ask him for shopping and most of what he brings I usually already have in) times are hard and it's struggle enough to feed cloth and provide for 3DC without having to provide everything for a fourth.

I am more than happy for my bonus DC to keep staying 3-4 days a week but think that her bio parents should be providing for them while they are with me AIBU?

OP posts:
Beachside82 · 25/07/2023 08:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bumble84 · 25/07/2023 08:35

So a child that has no blood ties to you is staying with you more than 50% years f the time?? that’s bonkers

CuriousGeorge80 · 25/07/2023 08:36

@Beachside82 did you even attempt to read the post?

Beachside82 · 25/07/2023 08:36

wtf

he isn’t even there?

op - mind boggles

RebeccaCloud9 · 25/07/2023 08:37

@Beachside82 think you need to read the post again!

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 25/07/2023 08:38

You are looking after someone else's toddler half a week as if its your own? As well as your own baby?

And everyone in this situation is OK with this and sees it as not fucking weird?

But you would like the parents to send some nappies?

TBH the amount the child is with you you should probably be claiming the child benefit!!

CuriousGeorge80 · 25/07/2023 08:38

OP of course you are not being unreasonable, but I suspect changing the situation so they send the baby with things is going to be hard. If they had any self-respect they would already be doing this. Your Ex is clearly pathetic. You need to apply for maintenance and be clear you will stop having the other child if they don’t also give you money for that one. And mean it!

Brefugee · 25/07/2023 08:38

go through official channels to get the CM.
Be clear that you want either money, or things (a list) when your bonus child comes to you. You are doing the child's parents a massive favour here, and it shouldn't leave you out of pocket.

msbevvy · 25/07/2023 08:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I think she has split from the father and is kindly carrying on with the arrangement for the sake of all the siblings.

viques · 25/07/2023 08:39

Is your real life name Mrs Doormat? If it is then that is proof that nominative determinism is alive and well.

Give your head a wobble, change your name to Ms Don’t Fuck with Me You Chancers , sort out legal child support for your own children and watch your life improve.

RudsyFarmer · 25/07/2023 08:41

Well this ‘father’ sounds anything but doesn’t he. Where’s he living and who’s he impregnating now?

LuciferRising · 25/07/2023 08:41

You could fall in love with this child and he could withdraw at any time. I'd be very wary.

FatCatBum · 25/07/2023 08:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

But OP has split from the child's father, so he isn't looking after any of the kids she is looking after them all with little contribution from him (or the mother of child 4)

DinnaeFashYersel · 25/07/2023 08:42

You need to get child maintenance from Dad for your 3 DC and then additional money for the 4th child from each of his parents.

Everyone is taking you for a mug.

Singleandproud · 25/07/2023 08:42

The fact the mum let's her very young, still in nappies baby stay with another woman for half the week blows my mind.

What will your DC and this additional child feel when your Ex and the mum decide they don't want the child to stay at yours 3-4 days a week, that is going to be an awful loss for all concerned and you won't be able to go for any sort of contact via the courts.

You put your foot down, offer to have the baby once a week / fortnight to maintain the siblings relationship and that it.

Lindy2 · 25/07/2023 08:42

Her actual parents need to step up and be parents.

This is a crazy situation. It's lovely that she gets to see her half siblings but staying with you that often isn't right. She needs to spend the majority of time with her mother or father.

Onlyonedog · 25/07/2023 08:43

OP you are really going above and beyond in making this child feel connected to their siblings but if you have them 50% of the week do the child's actual parents only have them 25% each? Or does one parent not see them at all. Obviously they should be supplying you with everything the child needs and also paying you for childcare I think, but not sure this a great situation for the child all round really maybe easier to stop this level of care now whilst they're still a baby.

Babsexxx · 25/07/2023 08:43

Right….they are taking the proverbial piss here! For a starter the routine should be like this…. Ex has all his children on a regular basis providing everything whilst you pick and choose leisurely to have DSC!

My still asleep?! Or is this REAL?

Seeline · 25/07/2023 08:44

How old is this child?
They are spending more than half their life away from both their parents?

The whole situation is very strange.
Yes the parents should be providing.
Get your ex to start providing for your DCs
Cut the visits down so that the child is actually living with their parents, and yes demand supplies when they are staying with you.

Has ex moved back with the other Mum?

BoohooWoohoo · 25/07/2023 08:44

This is very strange. It could end with you and your kids having no time if you piss off your ex.
Your ex should be sending nappies and clothes as you are doing the care that he should be doing. How often does he have his children anyway?
I don't think that Mum owes you maintenance. She had a 50/50 arrangement with her ex so she paid her own stuff and still has the child 50% of the time. She'd be perfectly reasonable to take her ex to court so she has more than 50% if the time.

Olika · 25/07/2023 08:45

You need to have a conversation where you say you are happy for them to come to yours but you require the actual parents to provide as it is not your responsibility.

Sherrystrull · 25/07/2023 08:48

Does your ex provide regular money to you

Wheezycheezeball · 25/07/2023 08:49

Did he go back to the other mother? Or is he getting freedom from all parenting and you’re doing his share of the care of a child unrelated?

fancy taking my 2kids 3-4 days a week as well? I could really use a break and they’re out of nappies.

KT1995 · 25/07/2023 08:49

Is there a prize for being the first one to post on a thread?

As often (as in this case) the answer bears no relation to the OP. And the poster ends up looking a right tit who has reading challenges. @Beachside82 you didn't even get the child's sex right 😂

@Hmmokthen YANBU. You must be in fairly good contact with the child's mum. Surely you can discuss this with her if your ExH is the useless sperm doner he sounds.

latenightpartyrings · 25/07/2023 08:49

Assuming your DH and the other woman aren't actually together, the baby appears to be with you more than either of its parents??
Yes, they should be supplying stuff, but I'm not sure that is the primary issue here...