AIBU to ask them to provide for their child when in my care

[Hmmokthen]

New here please bare with me. So me and Ex DH have 3 DC together after the first 2DC and 10years together we separated briefly for a few months and then decided to give it another go. During the time we were separated he got someone else pregnant.

Ok I wasn't doing cartwheels over it but it happened. During the pregnancy I fell pregnant. (when both were born there would be 7months age gap)

When his DC was born they started staying with us 50% of the time while they were with us we provided everything milk, nappies,wipes, clothes pushchair literally everything they needed. I didn't have a problem with this I believe you should provide for your kids. I was the primary caregiver when they were with us again I didn't have a problem with this it was my choice.

This continued throughout my pregnancy and after my last DC was born. When last DC was 3months old DH and myself decided our relationship really wasn't working and we would be better to go out separate ways the split was pretty amicable.

His DC from the time we were previously separated continued to come stay with me and her siblings 3-4days a week which I am happy about as we have such a good bond and I see them as my bonus child.

I'm absolutely fine with this to continue however it's now been 6months since we separated and neither of her bio parents have sent anything when they come to stay no nappies no milk not even a spare set of clothing.

I'm getting really fed up with this. Ex DH provides bare minimum for any of DC and the minimum he does provide will be a bag if shopping every now and again (I don't ask him for shopping and most of what he brings I usually already have in) times are hard and it's struggle enough to feed cloth and provide for 3DC without having to provide everything for a fourth.

I am more than happy for my bonus DC to keep staying 3-4 days a week but think that her bio parents should be providing for them while they are with me AIBU?

This is an overused saying but very appropriate here. No good deed goes unpunished.

I think you need face to face legal advice from an appropriately qualified solicitor.

What do are doing is morally right but could land you in a whole heap of shit if you put a foot wrong legally.

OP could it be worth speaking to a solicitor about gaining parental rights over the child?
not to remove their parents rights but I’m sure I’ve read before about step parents (when they’re still with one of the biological parent) being granted this.

you could position it with the child’s parents as allowing you to make appointments etc and take the child to medical appointments.
it would then solidify your role in the child’s life.

it wouldn’t necessarily make the financial aspects any easier but could mean you could be a step in the right direction.

@Hmmokthen - OP I hope you plan to take some of the advice on here. Your heart is totally in the right place and the little girl is so lucky to have you... however, the situation is legally and financially unsustainable for you, the child and your own other children. You cannot allow this to continue.

Please speak to your ex and the mother ASAP about covering ALL her costs while with you. No doubt they'll make excuses. Contact Social Services and explain the set-up - see what they advise. It sounds as if a fostering arrangement might be a good solution. At least, that way, you have legal guardianship and will hopefully receive some financial support. I wish you and the little girl all the best of luck.

I hate to say it but I really think they are taking horrific advantage of you.

They are, but OP knows that and chooses to take care of this child who might otherwise wind up in the news. The parents are not good people. They aren’t going to suddenly step up if OP stops taking care of her. She’s giving this little girl a chance in life and preventing her own children from untold pain, too.

I would speak to the mother of your bonus child and ask her to supply nappies etc when the child stays with you. She probably thought that your ex DH was providing them when he was living with you and therefore is continuing to do so, as the child’s father. I bet she’s not aware that he isn’t. Also apply through the correct channels for maintenance from him. You sound like a lovely, caring person. Don’t take any notice of some of the posts.

I mean of course the child's parents are both being wildly unreasonable in every way possible. You're a good, decent person though, I don't have any advice really but wanted to say that.

OP, you sound like a very kind person. It’s all very well people saying the dad/ other mum should step up, but they are people who are not interested in doing that, then there’s no point pushing for this.

the mum seems happy to palm her kids off to whoever she can get to look after them. Your ex- husband is not interested in fulfilling his responsibility so there is no point trying to force this. If the kids were with them, they’d end up being neglected anyway.

if you’re happy with this arrangement and am happy for it to continue , then why not? - at least the kids are looked after when they are with you.

HOWEVER, you need to get money from them for supplies like nappies and food- that is it’s very least they can do.

I’m sorry this will sound mean and you’re clearly a nice generous person but oh lord are you being taken for a mug 🤦🏻‍♀️ it’s great that your kids get along with their half sibling BUT you are effectively parenting a strangers kid, for free, - again not casting aspersions on the other mother but seriously who is shipping out their baby to their ex’s ex’ up to 4days a week, from birth without a care in the world?? Sorry.
you’re being taken for a mug.

I think what's been hard to comprehend about this thread is that OP initially presented this situation like it was perfectly normal and acceptable, she was amicable with her ex etc, which is hard to square up with the idea that these parents are horribly neglectful. Extra details came later, which made it seem that way, but if I was being ditched with their child this amount, sometimes for multiple weeks, and my ex wasn't even having our joint children, I would not have written my OP with such a "this is totally fine, if only they'd send over a few nappies" tone.

The child is getting more stability in her life than many others, and I don’t feel there’s anything wrong with what OP is doing - quite the contrary in fact. The siblings are growing up together and the bonus child is loved.
This situation would be completely unremarkable in many cultures other than the Western European.
depending on the exact circumstances, how many nights on average the child is with you and where her main home can be regarded as being, the OP may be able to claim child benefit (I’m not up to date with how many kids you can get this for now, so needs checking). Ok things may go topsy turvy later on but there’s consistency, stability and family ties for this little tot just now. I would apply for child benefit and for contributions from each parent to be going on with.
I notice some posters have referred to “parental rights”. This has been known for some time as “parental responsibility “ or “PR” which is really a better way of putting it.
You could make a referral to Children’s Social Care but there isn’t anything really to refer, unless there’s more going on that the OP has preferred not to mention. Thresholds are so high now that it’s unlikely there’d be any sort of investigation at all, and it could cause a tit for tat situation in which the child loses the stability and happiness she does have. By all means, on the other hand, if there’s cruelty, squalor, or emotional abuse going on - make that referral without delay.

You inspire me.

agree with green beans. PR is the best way forward and not to involve social services, as it can fire backwards. It is admirable what you are doing, and as green beans said, in many countries and cultures caring for someone as family, even when they are not your direct kin, is viewed not as being a “mug” but being someone wonderful. I wish and hope OP that everything goes well, for your family and your bonus child. You are a great person and this poor child is so lucky to have you.

Is this legal? I knew of a family, a long time ago, so could have changed, who were looking after a young DC of one of our neighbours. Social services got involved as there was concern that the child's actual mother wasn't able to meet the needs of her own DC. I was young and didn't have any kids at the time, but it all seemed very odd and neighbours were all discussing it.

This is the only advice you need OP. What you are doing is an incredible thing. You just need to make sure you are accessing any support you are able to, to facilitate this situation.

If this situation persists (and you are well supported), this little child's life will be forever benefited by your consistent support of her. She is your children's family, and there's obvious benefit for them all not being cut off from their siblings.

Astonished by how many people are comfortable with you ending this situation, with obvious harm to the child, just for the principle of "not being taken for a mug".

Honestly it comes across that you have lax boundaries. This child is your children’s half sibling, not your step child, not your bonus child. This child has 2 parents who have parental responsibility for them, who need to fund their child’s needs. That’s a completely reasonable ask and their sole responsibility. Don’t get caught up in being dragged into their drama. It’s not your job to ensure all the siblings have an equal quality of life, that’s on your ex

Did you read the OP?

I'm getting really fed up with this. Ex DH provides bare minimum for any of DC and the minimum he does provide will be a bag if shopping every now and again (I don't ask him for shopping and most of what he brings I usually already have in) times are hard and it's struggle enough to feed cloth and provide for 3DC without having to provide everything for a fourth.

it’s not about being “taken for a mug”. The issue is it’s causing OP stress and she can’t afford it. I can’t believe you’d disregard the weight of that. There’s no easy solution to that, if there was, we wouldn’t have families in poverty or people with mental health conditions like stress.

From what she's saying though both the child's parents don't give a shit. Ex hasn't bothered seeing the children. So if she didn't have her the child wouldn't have contact with her half siblings at all. It's the bio mother you need to be pointing the finger at. She's using them kids as an excuse not to work taking the benefits and dumping them on anyone who will have them.

Exactly this it seems she is the only one who gives a dam for the child's welfare. A child this young needs stability in they're life. I just hope the irresponsible so called mother doesn't have anymore children.

Very strange a child stays with you for 3/4 nights that had no relation to you at all When had 2 alive blood parents

I get you w as my your children to see see true half sibling

One night a week is ample

When you go back to work who will be looking after / paying for childcare for this bonus child as you call them

In that paragraph, I wasn't commenting on what OP was saying though; I was very clearly reflecting on the replies to her. The phrase "taken for a mug" has been said repeatedly.

I agree that it's very difficult, and as I said I think OP needs to pursue supports she could receive. To me, her post (and her replies) seemed to outline that she's not upset at having at having the extra child stay- in fact she expresses love and care for the child. She's rightly upset about the lack of financial support from the parents. That's why I agree with the posts that provide ways to rectify that.

I think you need to apply to cms for funding from both parents. Your own kids are missing out because you’re being a matyr for this kid.

As long as you understand this child might at one point disappear from your life and your children's lives forever. No doubt social services aren't interested as you're doing all the work!

Yes, I don't think I could split 'amicably' from the kind of person who has children with multiple women, won't parent them and hides assets from CM! I'd have to tell them exactly what I thought of them!

OP, have you talked to social services about taking this child into care and putting in place a fostering arrangement with you? That way the child would have some stability and you would receive a payment which should cover most of the costs involved.

Failing that, they clearly should be looking at foster parents anyway so that the poor child has a stable arrangement in place, otherwise she is going to grow up with attachment disorder and all sorts of problems.