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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask them to provide for their child when in my care

357 replies

Hmmokthen · 25/07/2023 08:31

New here please bare with me. So me and Ex DH have 3 DC together after the first 2DC and 10years together we separated briefly for a few months and then decided to give it another go. During the time we were separated he got someone else pregnant.

Ok I wasn't doing cartwheels over it but it happened. During the pregnancy I fell pregnant. (when both were born there would be 7months age gap)

When his DC was born they started staying with us 50% of the time while they were with us we provided everything milk, nappies,wipes, clothes pushchair literally everything they needed. I didn't have a problem with this I believe you should provide for your kids. I was the primary caregiver when they were with us again I didn't have a problem with this it was my choice.

This continued throughout my pregnancy and after my last DC was born. When last DC was 3months old DH and myself decided our relationship really wasn't working and we would be better to go out separate ways the split was pretty amicable.

His DC from the time we were previously separated continued to come stay with me and her siblings 3-4days a week which I am happy about as we have such a good bond and I see them as my bonus child.

I'm absolutely fine with this to continue however it's now been 6months since we separated and neither of her bio parents have sent anything when they come to stay no nappies no milk not even a spare set of clothing.

I'm getting really fed up with this. Ex DH provides bare minimum for any of DC and the minimum he does provide will be a bag if shopping every now and again (I don't ask him for shopping and most of what he brings I usually already have in) times are hard and it's struggle enough to feed cloth and provide for 3DC without having to provide everything for a fourth.

I am more than happy for my bonus DC to keep staying 3-4 days a week but think that her bio parents should be providing for them while they are with me AIBU?

OP posts:
Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 25/07/2023 08:51

Yes you need to be asking for money or supplies when this extra child is with you. I understand that you’ve developed a bond with this kid, and you want them to see their siblings, but really the siblings should all be spending time together with their father when he cares for them all. I would be cutting down the amount of time they spend with you at least. Half the week is just too much.

does he ever have the kids? If not you’re really facilitating him to be a useless father to all of his kids.

babbscrabbs · 25/07/2023 08:54

latenightpartyrings · 25/07/2023 08:49

Assuming your DH and the other woman aren't actually together, the baby appears to be with you more than either of its parents??
Yes, they should be supplying stuff, but I'm not sure that is the primary issue here...

This is a real issue

You have absolutely no claim over this child

Yet may well be the primary carer

Nothing to stop them removing child and you and your other children never seeing them again. How would that feel?

Be careful. Untangle yourself from this mess.

LuvSmallDogs · 25/07/2023 08:56

Aren't you worried that you're setting yourself and the child up for heartbreak, bonding like this with a baby you have no rights to? Either or both of the parents can decide that this situation is wrong (because it is) at any time and suddenly you only see the baby in your ex's car when he comes to pick up your kids!

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 25/07/2023 08:56

I think it’s great you are facilitating sibling access but both the child’s parents are taking the piss. This child is nothing to do with you and is not your responsibility. If they were my child and I had to go 50:50 I would want the 50% not mine to be with their father, not their father’s ex wife. Madness.

noglow · 25/07/2023 08:58

Oh OP.

It is not your responsibility to make sure the kids carry on seeing each other. It's nice that you want to facilitate this but come on. You're doing more parenting than at least one of this child's parents.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/07/2023 08:59

Maddest thing I’ve ever read on her. Genuinely.

Is your ex with the child's mum again? If not how much does either of them see her?

Wishitsnows · 25/07/2023 09:00

You sound like a total doormat. You took this idiot back when he got another woman pregnant and then did yourself. Now you are looking after their baby. Stop this! A baby does not yet need a step sibling relationship. It is taking away time from your own children. Hand the other baby back and stop being so foolish.

noglow · 25/07/2023 09:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

What are you on about

Clymene · 25/07/2023 09:02

So if you have their child half the week and they're not together, where's the child the other half of the week?

Why don't you put in a claim for maintenance?

SleepingStandingUp · 25/07/2023 09:02

So since birth, OWBaby has been with Dad 50/50. This continued until your baby was 3 months old and OWBbaby was 10 months old.
That's when you split up for good.

So from 10 months of age to how old now?? you have OWBaby 3-4 days a week, but Dad isn't around. OWbaby gets dumped at yours with no provisions.

Something isn't right if this is true. I can't imagine anyone being happy to send their kid to their ex's ex gf half a week every week. You've got shared custody of a kid you have no link to.

Back away now. She'll change her mind at some point, you'll never see the kid again and you'll all be heartbroken

Ollifer · 25/07/2023 09:04

This is completely bonkers. I have never In my life heard of a set up like this. What mother would even want their child going to stay with another woman for half the time without the father being there anyway? And why would you want to bring up your exs child alone??? Absolutely odd

Wakeywake · 25/07/2023 09:05

Wtf? Forget about them supplying nappies, you've got to charge them for childcare.

Original poster
Hmmokthen · 25/07/2023 09:06

He is now living on his own he got a 3bed house when we split so the kids could stay with him on a weekend. This is yet to happen and none of the kids have yet spent a night with him. Its extremely unlikely that contact with DSC will be stopped as they are both pretty lousy parents their father is selfish and seems to enjoy the freedom and her mother has several other kids whom she regularly sends to their dads for weeks on end with no contact.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 25/07/2023 09:06

Are you like a childminder for this child or do they sleep at your house too?

Seeline · 25/07/2023 09:06

It's certainly a great way to get free childcare.
Both the bio parents must be having a great time with all that freedom, at no cost!

Wishitsnows · 25/07/2023 09:08

If they are shit parents that is not your problem to resolve. Get a grip on your own life and hand the random baby back and stop doing free childcare

LaviniasBigBloomers · 25/07/2023 09:10

Do you know what OP, this is one of those situations where you just have to make one single decision and stick by it for the sake of your own mental and financial health.

Either you completely withdraw from this child, perhaps seeing them once a week for a play date.

Or you accept that this is your life now, you have a bonus child who lives with you for much of the time who you now have to finance.

There is no middle ground. Ex and OW are pricks who don't actually care about their children. You can go round the houses, you can angst, you can rail and feel it's super unfair (WHICH IT IS) but none of that will change anything.

Either accept the status quo or make a huge change. You cannot expect these people to suddenly develop hearts and souls and start caring for this kid. Or you, actually.

Dibbydoos · 25/07/2023 09:11

6m of this, speak up now or forever hold your peace, OP.

YABU for not raising it yet but YANBU to expect them to provide for their children.

Your ex partner is a piece of work, sorry he is. Who's funding you the tax payer?

CalistoNoSolo · 25/07/2023 09:12

Assuming OP is genuine, this is one fucked up scenario. The bottom line, op, is that you need to start putting your own children front and centre, because at the moment you'redoing anything but.

Dibbydoos · 25/07/2023 09:12

That last Q wasn't a skit, it was an honest Q cos we all know benefits just about support life...

arethereanyleftatall · 25/07/2023 09:13

Op, this is actually insane.

Apply for child maintenance from the father. Today.

Sort out contact with your ex so that he sees his children. He can time it to have all his children at the same time so that they still see their half sibling.

I'm afraid you will have to cut ties with the baby. It will be hard, but today is the easiest chance you have, tomorrow is even harder and so on. Remember their parents are clearly complete users, and will drop you in a flash at any point.

WildfirePonie · 25/07/2023 09:13

YABU for doing free childcare for a child that isn't yours.

electriclight · 25/07/2023 09:14

YABU to keep having babies with your partner when you already had some and your relationship was rocky.

He was BU to shag a random while you were on a break without using a condom.

YABU to look after someone else's kid for 50% of the time. This is mental. Why? You can encourage the sibling relationships in other ways. Assuming the child is with their mother for the other half of the week, where is their dad's contribution?

Please stop being such a people pleasing mug and unpick yourself from this awful, complicated mess. Get him to pull his weight with the children he had with you and let the other mother sort out her own relationships.

Original poster
Hmmokthen · 25/07/2023 09:15

They sleep here too they have their own bedroom here. 3-4 days a week is usual but have been known to have them for 3weeks! They seem to be a inconvenience to both parents and I think this I so sad they deserve so much better and that's probably why I have allowed it to continue. I know at least when they are with me they are getting the love and care they need and deserve.

OP posts:
electriclight · 25/07/2023 09:15

Your own children are losing out because your time, energy and money are being stretched to accommodate this bonus child.