AIBU to ask them to provide for their child when in my care

[Hmmokthen]

New here please bare with me. So me and Ex DH have 3 DC together after the first 2DC and 10years together we separated briefly for a few months and then decided to give it another go. During the time we were separated he got someone else pregnant.

Ok I wasn't doing cartwheels over it but it happened. During the pregnancy I fell pregnant. (when both were born there would be 7months age gap)

When his DC was born they started staying with us 50% of the time while they were with us we provided everything milk, nappies,wipes, clothes pushchair literally everything they needed. I didn't have a problem with this I believe you should provide for your kids. I was the primary caregiver when they were with us again I didn't have a problem with this it was my choice.

This continued throughout my pregnancy and after my last DC was born. When last DC was 3months old DH and myself decided our relationship really wasn't working and we would be better to go out separate ways the split was pretty amicable.

His DC from the time we were previously separated continued to come stay with me and her siblings 3-4days a week which I am happy about as we have such a good bond and I see them as my bonus child.

I'm absolutely fine with this to continue however it's now been 6months since we separated and neither of her bio parents have sent anything when they come to stay no nappies no milk not even a spare set of clothing.

I'm getting really fed up with this. Ex DH provides bare minimum for any of DC and the minimum he does provide will be a bag if shopping every now and again (I don't ask him for shopping and most of what he brings I usually already have in) times are hard and it's struggle enough to feed cloth and provide for 3DC without having to provide everything for a fourth.

I am more than happy for my bonus DC to keep staying 3-4 days a week but think that her bio parents should be providing for them while they are with me AIBU?

You're an amazing person for treating the child as your own, however you're a mug for letting them get away with treating you like this. Sit them down and have it out.

You are being mugged off OP. Tell them you want maintenance off them both, you could invest years bringing this child up only for the relationship to just end.

When the father has your children, that's when they see their half sibling, not at yours. Just stop having the half sibling over, unless it's a birthday party.

I think it stops or you explain that you're going to need a financial contribution for it to continue.

There have been some doormats on MN over the years but you really take the biscuit.

That poor fucking kid, this is so dysfunctional. I'm sorry, but you need to just refuse to do this anymore so that the actual parents are forced to step up. Ongoing contact is far, far from guaranteed, you are one big argument away from never seeing that child again.

Idk if you enjoy being a martyr, just super love babies, or what, but you aren't acting in this child's best interests either by allowing this. The child needs stability.

I'm getting really fed up with this. Ex DH provides bare minimum for any of DC and the minimum he does provide will be a bag if shopping every now and again (I don't ask him for shopping and most of what he brings I usually already have in) times are hard and it's struggle enough to feed cloth and provide for 3DC without having to provide everything for a fourth.

Go to CMS and make a claim.

Then this is something SS need to be involved with OP. Carry on by all means, but you need to also consider what you send them back to, what happens if they have an accident when with you, what happens if you want to go away for a few weeks etc.

No the tax payer isn't funding me. I work full-time but am currently on maternity leave the only thing I claim is child benefit as my earnings are too high to claim anything else

You probably won’t get much sympathy here I’m afraid. It looks like no one on MN sees their step kids again once they have split from that child’s parent.
Personally I think you are doing a great thing, I think you need to go through CSA for money for your 3, and then ask the dad for extra money for the 4th. He may well say no, but at least you would have tried, and you will get the money for the 1st 3.

@Beachside82 are you having problems reading posts this morning? This is the 2nd one I've seen in 15 mins. The op is not with her EX-DH any more, the father of the baby aged close to her own shared baby with him.
Jesus.

Op do you speak to the mum? Where does the baby come from when staying with you? Whichever parent is dropping off should be sending all the stuff you need. Yabu to even have to ask!!

I love that you have a 'bonus child' - really lovely xx

I agree you need to pursue CSA, no matter what decision you make about the bonus baby.

Also having just read your update - how on earth is this going to work when you go back to work? Are you going to be funding childcare for the bairn?

What happens for childcare when you go back to work? Will you be paying for the childminder/nursery for your bonus child as well as your child?

I agree it would be better to have something official in place. I think you are obviously a really kind (possibly too kind) person but you are now this child's primary care giver. You need to protect them and yourself- and your children.

Poor baby, sounds like you’re its only reliable and consistent attachment figure. Any option for you to go down the legal route and have formal care of the child?

it’s not fair on you to have no support but it would be a real trauma for the kid to be separated from you and passed between it’s 2 parents who don’t seem bothered by it.

Does the baby call you mama??

My god. Firstly what a useless waste of air your ex is, pathetic excuse for a father. He needs to learn how condoms work.
Secondly, the other woman’s child is meant to be spending 50/50 with their father, not a fucking free babysitter. What on earth are you doing taking on this child’s care? When does the child see their dad? Absolutely insane. Stop doing it, focus on your children, and if you ever do help out, of course they should fucking pay. Does his ex ever take your children?
Lastly, why isn’t Mr Sperminator providing for all the children he’s producing? Get proper maintenance from him. Stop being such a blood doormat.

No additional advice OP, just want to say you are amazing!

Of course you aren't being unreasonable, they should be providing everything or giving you the money to cover the costs. I think you ideally need to sit both parents down and read them the riot act!

Social services and as a previous poster said, would you be able and willing to formerly adopt the bonus baby? The situation is bad and the flaky parents could stop all contact even though it seems they are lapping up the free childcare you're providing. What you are doing is so good but as others have said, a formal agreement needs to take place as you could be blamed if anything went wrong.

I've known ex-stepparents IRL who keep contact with their ex's kids after many years of being a stepparent, sure. This kid hasn't even been alive for a year yet. If OP was talking about say, one afternoon a week where ex's DC comes over to spend time with their siblings then nappies etc really would be the only issue.

This is heartbreaking to read. That poor unloved little baby. OP you are doing a wonderfully kind thing in taking this baby in and providing some stability for them.

However, what is the longer term plan here? They won't be a cute baby who fits around your other kids for long. Soon they will be a little person with their own needs and wants. They will likely have psychological issues from such a poor start in life. This will fall to you to deal with, on top of providing financially for the child and caring for your own children.

I fear you are doing more harm than good in the long run. I agree with PP. Distance yourself now or formally adopt the child and make them part of your family (and chase all the available financial support you are entitled to).

OP, you are such a kind mother and it will reflect in your children/bonus children.

You need to put your foot down with both of them and ask for items to be provided or to be funded for this or you will have to go down the CMS route. You can't do this all on your own you will break!

OP probably doesn't know, but does the father pay maintenance to the mother? I'm going to guess not and that the mother has the child approx 50/50 with the father? (But, the father has passed his responsibility on to you.)

It is a screwed up arrangement as they both seem negligent. But if it is loosely like the above, I see no point in pursuing the mother, as she is financially covering the child for her 50% of the time.

It is the father who has abdicated his responsibility to you, so him you should pursue. I think you are doing a wonderful thing. Your children (including the bonus) are blessed to have you.

why do the kids bio parents want to be separated from their kid for half the week? Madness.

OP you seem to have MUG tattooed across your forehead. You are feeding and caring for a baby which is not yours 3/4 days a week with no recompense? I appreciate the child is your children's half sibling and you want them to have a relationship but you are doing waaaay too much. What is the bio mother doing with all her free time and money?
You need to have a serious talk with both of them about their (lack of) parenting!!

I'd pursue child maintenance for own kids and social services for the one that isn't. You sound very kind and it's lovely you're so accepting the your step child, but that child is clearly being emotionally screwed (not by you, obviously, you seem to to be the best person in their lives.)