AIBU to ask them to provide for their child when in my care

[Hmmokthen]

New here please bare with me. So me and Ex DH have 3 DC together after the first 2DC and 10years together we separated briefly for a few months and then decided to give it another go. During the time we were separated he got someone else pregnant.

Ok I wasn't doing cartwheels over it but it happened. During the pregnancy I fell pregnant. (when both were born there would be 7months age gap)

When his DC was born they started staying with us 50% of the time while they were with us we provided everything milk, nappies,wipes, clothes pushchair literally everything they needed. I didn't have a problem with this I believe you should provide for your kids. I was the primary caregiver when they were with us again I didn't have a problem with this it was my choice.

This continued throughout my pregnancy and after my last DC was born. When last DC was 3months old DH and myself decided our relationship really wasn't working and we would be better to go out separate ways the split was pretty amicable.

His DC from the time we were previously separated continued to come stay with me and her siblings 3-4days a week which I am happy about as we have such a good bond and I see them as my bonus child.

I'm absolutely fine with this to continue however it's now been 6months since we separated and neither of her bio parents have sent anything when they come to stay no nappies no milk not even a spare set of clothing.

I'm getting really fed up with this. Ex DH provides bare minimum for any of DC and the minimum he does provide will be a bag if shopping every now and again (I don't ask him for shopping and most of what he brings I usually already have in) times are hard and it's struggle enough to feed cloth and provide for 3DC without having to provide everything for a fourth.

I am more than happy for my bonus DC to keep staying 3-4 days a week but think that her bio parents should be providing for them while they are with me AIBU?

You are absolutely bonkers for keeping this up. You should stop having the DC that you have no blood ties to.

It's great you have such a good bind with his child and see hem as a bonus child. If possible I woul have a chat with both their bi parents and say you love having their DC however you just can't afford to clothe then etc, can they start sending some supplies for when they are with you. I would also give them advance notice of how you ant things to work when you return to work so they can start planning

You are so lovely. This has made me cry.

What a complete mess.

Why on earth are you looking after the baby your partner created during a brief hiatus in your relationship, let alone paying for it?!

@Hmmokthen

If this is real, you need to contact Social Services. She is being neglected by her parents. You don’t have parental responsibility for her; you can’t be caring for her as much as you are!

you sound like a lovely and kind person OP. I get that after caring for this baby for so much of her life already that it would be very hard to see her go into a chaotic life with her bio parents. They should obviously pay you, at the very least in what she uses, milk etc. but if you insist then they may stop all contact which will be hard for her and you too. I'd probably contact social services and see if they can offer advice.

He should be stepping up to the mark to give support to all the dc's. It is kind of you continue to look after a child who isnt your own. Of course they should be providing help.

I strongly, STRONGLY suggest you either stop this arrangement or seek legal advice OP! What on earth are you doing?? The child has NO family connection to you personally and you have taken it upon yourself to assume a parental role! This could have all kinds of implications if anything were to go wrong (an accident, illness, worse!!) whilst in your care!

The very least of your problems is bloody nappies and wipes!

You say the mother sometimes leaves the child in your care for up to THREE WEEKS at a time, but at a minimum 3-4 days a week?

You need to be involving social services. This is utter madness and you are setting yourself up for a possible investigation down the line! Protect yourself and protect the child. Safeguarding is EVERYONE'S business!

You need to formalise this agreement. Speak to social services about how to go about this. It’s bizarre that this parental neglect hasn’t been flagged to them by the HV already to be honest.

You are doing a wonderful thing, but this custody has to be formalised so you don’t get emotionally burned when either parent decides to step up.

Of course they should be providing help.

The parents should not be helping. They should be parenting.

Mug,fool,doormat I maybe but my heart is clean and I wouldn't turn my back on any child especially a child who is my children's sibling and has such shitty selfish parents. If her parents did ever decide to cut contact (very unlikely) it would be on them and I would know I did what I could for the child while I could.

I think you're a saint and a very kind person to taking on the caring of a child of another.

I'd be after both the other parents for maintenance. And the pair of them should get sterilised as neither seems to care one bit for their offspring. Very sad for all the children, but fair play to you for taking up the flak.

OP, this is utter madness.

I'm sure you're lovely, and it's great there's someone in the is child's life that cares about them.

But it is madness. You need to apply for maintenance for all your DC with Ex. And you need to contract social services to cover your back at the very least. You have no legal rights where this child is concerned. For instance, if they needed medical treatment and their parents were not contactable (would they answer if you phoned in the middle of the night?) you wouldn't be able to consent to any of it.

Does the mother know her child is with you, does she think they're with their Dad?

In fact, I think you may be straying quite close to an private fostering arrangement. I think you need to talk to SS.

You do need to involve social services because this is in effect an informal fostering arrangement. It needs to be regularised, not least because, as PP have said, if the child becomes ill or has an accident you don't have any authority to consent to treatment etc. There is also the big question mark around what will happen to this child when you have to go to work.

I think the issue here is that you have no rights to care for or treat this child as your own and you are opening yourself to all kinds of issues. What if something happens to the child at yours - you have no parental responsibility to administer meds or first aid, they could turn around and accuse you of all kinds of things.

Also, unless you act now what is going to happen when you go back to work - you need to be explicit with the parents about their responsibility to pay for care. It's not on you to organise the care (don't, they won't ever pay you for it). Do not put your own children at risk because you have a good heart for this poor child. Take care of your own children first.

As soon as you ask for money, they will assume you're taking responsibility. If responsibility is what you want, then there are legal processes to make sure you're able to legally and responsibly care for this child with no potential repercussions.

Gosh, what a situation, but I can see why you're doing what you're doing OP. When does the child see their father then, hardly ever? It doesn't sound ideal, but maybe it's making the best of an imperfect situation.

I think you should tell the child's parents that you can't afford childcare when you go back to work, and let them sort something out. You can continue to be a big part of the child's life (and to facilitate a good relationship with their siblings), but it doesn't sound like you can look after them for quite as much time going forwards.

Is there a reason you haven't gone to CMS for your DC's? Their dad should be paying maintenance.

He should also be having them overnight but sadly you can't force someone to be an active parent.

It sounds like when you go back to work, currently your office days are your days with bonus child? If so do not change arrangements and make those work from home days the days you have ALL the DC's with you. They need to arrange childcare themselves on your working days.

They're taking the piss big time both of them.

Have you outright told them they need to send nappies, wipes, etc? Tell them. Don't ask. Tell. Send a message to both mum and dad today explaining they will need to arrange childcare during the day on the days you'll be at work. And tell them whoever drops off needs to wipes, nappies, clothes, etc.

You are lovely considering this child to be a bonus child. You're a better person than most. BUT..... you're also being a doormat and letting them take advantage.

Your ex doesn't have to send you nappies. He has to pay at lest the statutory maintenance for his 3 kids with you (amount will depend on his salary and the time he is taking care of the kids). For the half sibling of your kids that is not related to you. You don't have parental responsibility to him and if he fall down or have a tiny accident like all the kids have you can be in trouble as you legally are a random no one to him regardless of the bond the little one has with his half siblings and with you. You were his stepmother but since you have split with his dad you are not in that role anymore. This is a very tricky situation.

If all the little ones want to stay together that should be under his father supervision no under yours. And if you want the four kids spending time with you an agreement in written needs to be put in place and your ex must provide for him or paying you accordingly with the time he spends with you.

Protect your rights and the kids ones claiming maintenance and get an agreement in place for the little half sibling of your kids if you wish this arrangement to continue.

Your "stepchid" parents are taking you for granted.

Are you at least claiming child maintenance from the father for your own kids? If you’re not then you really are a mug. Why do you think it’s ok to let him get away with doing nothing at all to support his kids?

And this nonsense with the extra child? You’re providing everything? Do you not have a voice? Open your mouth and speak. Tell them they need to put their hands in their pockets and provide.

OP, it’s ok to for the other mum to send her other children to their dad to parent them. But really, is it ok for you to be so eager to parent your ‘bonus child’ when you aren’t their parent ? Of course you are incredibly generous for doing it and in a one-off emergency or if you were related nobody wouod bat an eyelid.
There are many considerations to pay heed to with this unusual situation.
What if something went wrong, say an accident of some sort and you were blamed or unjustly accused of something.
And if she were to pay you for childcare, wouldn’t you then need insurance and a dbs check and ofsted registration.
Like I said earlier, you are a saint for your wonderful generosity but please think hard about the potential devastating impact this could have on you and your ‘bonus child’ if something were to go wrong. Maybe you could find a way to try to scale it down a bit and encourage the other mum to spend more time with her own child.
And please do apply for maintenance through the proper channels for your own three children.

I hope you're claiming maintenance through CMS

I just realized that is a little girl not a little boy. Apologies for the confusion.

OP are you even taking on board the legality of this? Come on now!! You're an adult, not a 'hearts and unicorns' teenager who operates on a whim! This is a child, with welfare needs to be considered...which YOU have NO POWERS to administer!

You have no parental rights...you are NOT a relative, or in any way connected to this child in a legal way. Your boundaries have been seriously stretched here...maybe your own 'new baby bubble' has played some part in this, but honestly, you need to let go of this one before you get into deep water!

Call Social Services, get the mother/father the support they need. But you need to step back!

I think you need a straight forward message to both parents saying that your circumstances have changed and that you need to be provided/a contribution with what she needs when with you.

Read it again.