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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask them to provide for their child when in my care

357 replies

Hmmokthen · 25/07/2023 08:31

New here please bare with me. So me and Ex DH have 3 DC together after the first 2DC and 10years together we separated briefly for a few months and then decided to give it another go. During the time we were separated he got someone else pregnant.

Ok I wasn't doing cartwheels over it but it happened. During the pregnancy I fell pregnant. (when both were born there would be 7months age gap)

When his DC was born they started staying with us 50% of the time while they were with us we provided everything milk, nappies,wipes, clothes pushchair literally everything they needed. I didn't have a problem with this I believe you should provide for your kids. I was the primary caregiver when they were with us again I didn't have a problem with this it was my choice.

This continued throughout my pregnancy and after my last DC was born. When last DC was 3months old DH and myself decided our relationship really wasn't working and we would be better to go out separate ways the split was pretty amicable.

His DC from the time we were previously separated continued to come stay with me and her siblings 3-4days a week which I am happy about as we have such a good bond and I see them as my bonus child.

I'm absolutely fine with this to continue however it's now been 6months since we separated and neither of her bio parents have sent anything when they come to stay no nappies no milk not even a spare set of clothing.

I'm getting really fed up with this. Ex DH provides bare minimum for any of DC and the minimum he does provide will be a bag if shopping every now and again (I don't ask him for shopping and most of what he brings I usually already have in) times are hard and it's struggle enough to feed cloth and provide for 3DC without having to provide everything for a fourth.

I am more than happy for my bonus DC to keep staying 3-4 days a week but think that her bio parents should be providing for them while they are with me AIBU?

OP posts:
Nazzywish · 25/07/2023 09:50

Your being taken for total mug and in this case I've not got any sympathy as you've willingly let them do this to you despite understanding the implications of it all.

Of course they're going to take advantage of it, Your letting them! 🙄 your providing free childcare 4 days a week so they may as well take the extra piss and make u pay for the kids stuff too right ...not like your going to actually stand your ground about boundaries. Its quite sad for ur own dc as the time your spending on raising someone else's child you should be investing that extra time into your own kids ...fully.

Destinedforfakeness · 25/07/2023 09:55

How old is the bonus child op? Honestly from what you've said I think getting any financial contribution is unlikely. But I'd both parents are as crap as they sound maybe they will pay you for the basics so the kid is off their hands?

It did stile metahy the child must still be quite young and that's a lot of time away from the bio parents. But it sounds like you are a parent too and actually probably doing the most consistent care. So please keep doing this for the poor kid who's parents don't seem particularly bothered. So to sim up...
Yanbu to wnat a financial contribution but I'm not sure you will get it

user1471556818 · 25/07/2023 09:55

Please get maintance money sorted out ASAP. I'm glad the wee one has you in their life and against most on here I hope you remain in theirs .

Allywill · 25/07/2023 09:55

This is a crazy situation. you are having a child half the week or more that you have no biological attachment to and no PR. What if something happens? what about the doctors? what about when they start school? school are not going to be happy talking to you instead of parents.

LAMPS1 · 25/07/2023 09:56

OP, you are a saint but …….
You are inviting both your ex and the mother of your ‘bonus child’ to take advantage of you as if you welcome it. Why is that? It’s just not sustainable. no good will come of it.
Speak up for yourself and apply for maintenance for your three dc and ask the other mother to supply everything you need. Be practical and make sure it is fair if you don’t want resentment to build.
Also, you are heading for sadness and disappointment when the other mum decides her dc can’t be with you any more. Does she think her dc is with your ex when actually the child is with you ? Or is she benefitting from free child care while she builds her career.

MargosMangos · 25/07/2023 09:57

Sorry but I think this is all very odd
Surely your friends and family have voiced their concerns at this strange situation?

Pinkdelight3 · 25/07/2023 09:58

This is nuts. I know you're happy to have the other DC there, but you know the two bio parents are rubbish and aren't going to provide so you either have to be happy with that whole set-up or you have to draw the line and not have the DC staying at yours except on rarer/non-regular situations as a step-sibling. The other option would be to adopt the fourth DC as your own, seeing as you're the one taking real parental responsibility for the child. If the deadbeat parents and you are up for this, then it's worth exploring. Otherwise, either suck it up and don't even expect any gratitude from the type of people who don't give a shit about providing for their DC, or end it now while the DC is little and the separation will be less damaging for them longer term. I get that it's hard, but this is what happens - step-parents don't raise their stepkids when the adult relationship has ended except in extremely unusual/unfortunately circumstances.

Cherrysoup · 25/07/2023 09:59

I’m sorry, OP, you’re being a mug. Why on earth are you having a child unrelated to you for up to 3 weeks? The bio parents are taking the piss, big time.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 25/07/2023 10:00

You are providing free child care care. You are paying for somebody else’s child. Why??

money, time and resources you could spend on yourself, your children etc..

are you emotionally attached to this child? I’m assuming you are.
That’s an incredibly bad idea, you have no legal claim or any rights in this situation. What will the long term impact be on you? On your children?
This child could be moved to the other side of the country and visit their stepsiblins twice a year. Or less…

I would also worry about liability and or parental rights. What if there was a medical emergency?

I understand that you value your DC’s relationship with their stepsibling. And that is wonderful. But the place to cultivate this is at your father’s house, not yours.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 25/07/2023 10:01

Pinkdelight3 · 25/07/2023 09:58

This is nuts. I know you're happy to have the other DC there, but you know the two bio parents are rubbish and aren't going to provide so you either have to be happy with that whole set-up or you have to draw the line and not have the DC staying at yours except on rarer/non-regular situations as a step-sibling. The other option would be to adopt the fourth DC as your own, seeing as you're the one taking real parental responsibility for the child. If the deadbeat parents and you are up for this, then it's worth exploring. Otherwise, either suck it up and don't even expect any gratitude from the type of people who don't give a shit about providing for their DC, or end it now while the DC is little and the separation will be less damaging for them longer term. I get that it's hard, but this is what happens - step-parents don't raise their stepkids when the adult relationship has ended except in extremely unusual/unfortunately circumstances.

True, actual adoption might be an idea as well.

but this situation is absolutely ridiculous.

EbiRaisukaree · 25/07/2023 10:03

You have to get something sorted on a permanent basis before you go back to work after maternity leave - or are you planning to pay for a full time nursery place for this baby, as well as your own?

It sounds as though the poor child has a totally dysfunctional and chaotic existence, and the best long term plan for them would be to involve social services now. I would even be tempted to call them the next time the child is with you and report that she has been abandoned by her parents - because it would be true.

It would be very unusual for both parents to give up their parental rights to you so you could adopt her, and anything short of that is just going to disadvantage you, massively, and isn’t fair on the child in the longer term either, though I respect that you are providing her with the only stability she has in her life right now.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 25/07/2023 10:05

EbiRaisukaree · 25/07/2023 10:03

You have to get something sorted on a permanent basis before you go back to work after maternity leave - or are you planning to pay for a full time nursery place for this baby, as well as your own?

It sounds as though the poor child has a totally dysfunctional and chaotic existence, and the best long term plan for them would be to involve social services now. I would even be tempted to call them the next time the child is with you and report that she has been abandoned by her parents - because it would be true.

It would be very unusual for both parents to give up their parental rights to you so you could adopt her, and anything short of that is just going to disadvantage you, massively, and isn’t fair on the child in the longer term either, though I respect that you are providing her with the only stability she has in her life right now.

It would be very unusual.
but I would hope that it might be a bit of a wake up call. As in: my ex / my ex-affair’s ex-girlfriend won’t provide free child care and be a substitute mummy whenever it’s convenient for us.

but I could be wrong (obviously).

Backstreets · 25/07/2023 10:10

Girl this set up is insane.

If you’re genuinely willing to be 50% bonus mum to a child that is obviously close to you emotionally (and yes, your children’s half sibling) then YES some sort of financial agreement needs to be in place.

You obviously have a huge heart and the child sounds better off with you than with either useless parent but they are treating you like an absolute mug.

Weedoormatnomore · 25/07/2023 10:11

Have you actually talked to you ex DH about getting maintenance? Eve. Just for your 3 DC.
Presuming you can't have long left till you go back work now so what's the plans when you do with the bonus child. Did you not talk to your ex bonus child's mum especially after you had them for 3weeks.

Wertie · 25/07/2023 10:12

You sound like a good person, and like you’ve fallen in love with this child.
The difficulty is that you have no rights, any upset and you lose access.
If you love this child and wish to continue in their lives, regardless of all else, consider if your first priority should be formalising custody or parent rights. Then deal with finances. Otherwise you risk access being withdrawn. You also risk the child losing stability.
Consider what your biggest issue is

readbooksdrinktea · 25/07/2023 10:13

You're being taken for a complete mug. This is absolutely mad. Please find some boundaries.

Original poster
Hmmokthen · 25/07/2023 10:13

LAMPS1 · 25/07/2023 09:56

OP, you are a saint but …….
You are inviting both your ex and the mother of your ‘bonus child’ to take advantage of you as if you welcome it. Why is that? It’s just not sustainable. no good will come of it.
Speak up for yourself and apply for maintenance for your three dc and ask the other mother to supply everything you need. Be practical and make sure it is fair if you don’t want resentment to build.
Also, you are heading for sadness and disappointment when the other mum decides her dc can’t be with you any more. Does she think her dc is with your ex when actually the child is with you ? Or is she benefitting from free child care while she builds her career.

Their mum isn't building a career just benefiting from free time she has other kids that she often sends off to their fathers for weeks on end she is fully aware that it's me her child is with 3-4days a week and isn't shy about asking me to keep them longer or ringing me to ask me to have them on days I wouldn't usually.

OP posts:
readbooksdrinktea · 25/07/2023 10:15

Hmmokthen · 25/07/2023 10:13

Their mum isn't building a career just benefiting from free time she has other kids that she often sends off to their fathers for weeks on end she is fully aware that it's me her child is with 3-4days a week and isn't shy about asking me to keep them longer or ringing me to ask me to have them on days I wouldn't usually.

Show quote history

But why is that OK with you? They're taking extreme advantage.

lavagal · 25/07/2023 10:17

So when do they actually see their dad? If they are with you? This is bonkers. Sorry but I'd cut contact with them it will be hard but in the long run they aren't your bio child and you are not with the father

toomuchlaundry · 25/07/2023 10:18

I’d report them to social services as neither of them seem to be parenting their child

loislovesstewie · 25/07/2023 10:18

The answer is that you stop giving free childcare. Sorry, but whether you want the 'bonus children' to have a relationship with yours is not the point. You are being taken for a mug.

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 25/07/2023 10:19
Hmm
KingsHeath53 · 25/07/2023 10:19

Oh OP.

You are of course not being unreasonable.

But reading all your posts, you sound like SUCH a lovely human and a great mother. If there were more like you, the world would be a better place.

If you can keep doing what you're doing well done, and I'd explore channels like seeing if you can get child benefit or something for the extra child.

Good luck x

Anyport · 25/07/2023 10:19

You are picking up for 4 children and you are being walked over by the other associated adults. They are taking advantage of you.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 25/07/2023 10:20

Hmmokthen · 25/07/2023 10:13

Their mum isn't building a career just benefiting from free time she has other kids that she often sends off to their fathers for weeks on end she is fully aware that it's me her child is with 3-4days a week and isn't shy about asking me to keep them longer or ringing me to ask me to have them on days I wouldn't usually.

Show quote history

She’s taking advantage of you.

and she can decide to keep this child away from you. Permanently.

how would you feel if you never saw this child again?

be very honest with yourself.

either get some sort of formalised agreement in place now (if you can afford it) or make sure that you’re properly compensated for all that free child care.

the parents will probably find alternative child care options (or other people to take advantage of!!) if you decide to do the latter.