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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask them to provide for their child when in my care

357 replies

Hmmokthen · 25/07/2023 08:31

New here please bare with me. So me and Ex DH have 3 DC together after the first 2DC and 10years together we separated briefly for a few months and then decided to give it another go. During the time we were separated he got someone else pregnant.

Ok I wasn't doing cartwheels over it but it happened. During the pregnancy I fell pregnant. (when both were born there would be 7months age gap)

When his DC was born they started staying with us 50% of the time while they were with us we provided everything milk, nappies,wipes, clothes pushchair literally everything they needed. I didn't have a problem with this I believe you should provide for your kids. I was the primary caregiver when they were with us again I didn't have a problem with this it was my choice.

This continued throughout my pregnancy and after my last DC was born. When last DC was 3months old DH and myself decided our relationship really wasn't working and we would be better to go out separate ways the split was pretty amicable.

His DC from the time we were previously separated continued to come stay with me and her siblings 3-4days a week which I am happy about as we have such a good bond and I see them as my bonus child.

I'm absolutely fine with this to continue however it's now been 6months since we separated and neither of her bio parents have sent anything when they come to stay no nappies no milk not even a spare set of clothing.

I'm getting really fed up with this. Ex DH provides bare minimum for any of DC and the minimum he does provide will be a bag if shopping every now and again (I don't ask him for shopping and most of what he brings I usually already have in) times are hard and it's struggle enough to feed cloth and provide for 3DC without having to provide everything for a fourth.

I am more than happy for my bonus DC to keep staying 3-4 days a week but think that her bio parents should be providing for them while they are with me AIBU?

OP posts:
bigdecisionstomake · 25/07/2023 10:22

I think you're doing a lovely thing OP. It sounds as if this child wouldn't have very much of a homelife if it weren't for you.

You really need a formalised maintenance arrangement rather than just nappies etc.. being provided though. It is unfair that all the financial burden is falling to you as well as the caring burden.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/07/2023 10:22

Hmmokthen · 25/07/2023 09:06

He is now living on his own he got a 3bed house when we split so the kids could stay with him on a weekend. This is yet to happen and none of the kids have yet spent a night with him. Its extremely unlikely that contact with DSC will be stopped as they are both pretty lousy parents their father is selfish and seems to enjoy the freedom and her mother has several other kids whom she regularly sends to their dads for weeks on end with no contact.

So who has the bonus child when she's not with you, her mother or your ex/her father?

If you are falling in love with this child you do need to formalize the arrangement but I'm not sure how. Can you get child benefit at least or is mum claiming that? I don't know if you can claim CMA when you're not a legal parent but one of the parents should provide milk and nappies etc

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/07/2023 10:23

Hmmokthen · 25/07/2023 09:15

They sleep here too they have their own bedroom here. 3-4 days a week is usual but have been known to have them for 3weeks! They seem to be a inconvenience to both parents and I think this I so sad they deserve so much better and that's probably why I have allowed it to continue. I know at least when they are with me they are getting the love and care they need and deserve.

Gosh I wonder if you should adopt this child

Allywill · 25/07/2023 10:24

Those saying how awful it would be for the OP to lose contact if the parents were to stop - this toddler is building up a significant relationship with the OP with no guarantee this will continue going forward - it would be devastating for a child if this was removed - which is why this should never have been allowed to just happen.

KingsHeath53 · 25/07/2023 10:25

I also think a lot of people on here being mean referring to the OP as a pushover etc. Reading the context of the posts this sounds like a child, the sibling of her own children, who is effectively neglected by both biological parents. A child she herself loves like a family member.

I would hope in the same situation I also would do the least worst thing and show the child some love and continuity.

I think those chastising her given these circumstances should really take a long hard look at themselves and their attitude towards others. I cannot believe so many would really be so cruel.

Yes, it isn't her job. But if she cut ties do we really think the child's mum and dad are going to step up? Not likely. Kid will be neglected and be just another miserable statistic.

Wenfy · 25/07/2023 10:28

You need to contact social services and tell them what’s going on. This isn’t good for the child at all. All of you are thinking of yourself when there’s a little child (a toddler possibly) staying 3-4 days a week with a stranger because her parents don’t want her.

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2023 10:28

It's absolutely insane that you are doing this OP, I don't even know what to say. It's not in the child's interests at all - you are facilitating their parents to neglect them and make it very obvious to them they are lesser than their siblings. There is absolutely no need to spend the majority of their time with you to see their siblings, they should be seeing their siblings when they see their dad. Fair enough if you want to maintain a relationship and see them now and then, maybe even once a week, but what's happening here is way too much and it is NOT good for the child, it is very clearly demonstrating to them that they are not as loved by their parents as their various half siblings. 3 days a week split between their actual parents? Can't you see that's madness?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 25/07/2023 10:29

Crikey.

You have no PR for this child but have them more than 50% of the time and her parents provide nothing?

This makes no sense!

Yes absolutely your exh should be providing all of the finances for when you look after his child for him, but I’d be concerned re your emotional attachment. They could withdraw any contact between you and her at any moment.

Would you want to formally adopt her if they were open to it? Would they be?

Butterflywings2 · 25/07/2023 10:30

Oh wow, you are a very kind hearted person OP that must be said. But you are being taken advantage of, I think it would be better to try and put a stop to this now before your maternity leave ends so the mother and father of the bonus child can get used to taking shared care of her full time (like parents should!). Please listen to all the advice here.

Weightlosstipsneeded · 25/07/2023 10:30

This is so unbelievably sad and bizarre in equal measure.
You sound like a Saint OP but I also can't help that you're being a little bit of a doormat.
I would put in an official CMS claim in for your ex to provide for HIS children. In addition, I would make it abundantly clear to both parents what you require in order for your bonus child to stay over. Whilst I know you don't mind, I would say that you refuse to accommodate further stays until you're provided/remunerated for what is needed. I know it's not what you want to do, but you're quite short of options at the moment.

CocoPlum · 25/07/2023 10:31

What are you planning to do with this baby when you return to work @Hmmokthen?

Original poster
Hmmokthen · 25/07/2023 10:34

EbiRaisukaree · 25/07/2023 10:03

You have to get something sorted on a permanent basis before you go back to work after maternity leave - or are you planning to pay for a full time nursery place for this baby, as well as your own?

It sounds as though the poor child has a totally dysfunctional and chaotic existence, and the best long term plan for them would be to involve social services now. I would even be tempted to call them the next time the child is with you and report that she has been abandoned by her parents - because it would be true.

It would be very unusual for both parents to give up their parental rights to you so you could adopt her, and anything short of that is just going to disadvantage you, massively, and isn’t fair on the child in the longer term either, though I respect that you are providing her with the only stability she has in her life right now.

Before maternity leave I was working from home on flexible hours so was doing alot of work in the evening when all kids were in bed on and in the days I didn't have the child and mine were at school. But when my maternity leave ends I have to go back to the office 3days a week and the rest of my hours will be flex. The child currently goes to nursery 2days a week but not on the days I have them. Their parents are either going to have to have them or pay for childcare I simply can't afford to send 2 children under 2 to childcare. Things definitely need to change I just feel so sorry for the child and don't want her to lose the stability and consistency they have with me.

OP posts:
Isthatarealname · 25/07/2023 10:36

Well firstly CMS for your children, if he can afford a 3 bed house he can afford maintenance.

I think its very unlikely you will get anything from either parent for bonus child, more likely if you ask for it they will just stop contact. I guess you need to weigh that up. Probably better to get it over with now whilst the child is young, this wont be able to continue long term, will she expect you to pay childcare when you go back to work!?

I would call social services also

Newestname002 · 25/07/2023 10:37

@Hmmokthen

OP You're being a fool to yourself I'm afraid. Both your ex-husband and the woman he had the additional child with saw you coming and are using you.

At the very least you should be getting proper child maintenance for the biological children you share with him (don't rely on promises from him - check with CMS online and get payments through CMS)

Additionally as you're doing his parenting for him for the child you've not given birth to, you should be given the full amount of money to take care of it, as well as anything extra you need at the very least as well as anything extra you need and for one or both of them to accept their responsibility and step up looking after their child as you are doing them both a huge favour.

Please don't lay down and let them use you as a doormat- you already have enough on your plate. 🌹

Original poster
Hmmokthen · 25/07/2023 10:38

When maternity leave ends I will have to go back to the office 3days a week and the rest of my hours will be flexible work from home so the way things are could continue but realistically either their parents will have to have them or they will have to pay for childcare my baby will be going to childcare 5days a week and I can't afford childcare for 2 children under 2

OP posts:
CocoPlum · 25/07/2023 10:40

Hmmokthen · 25/07/2023 10:38

When maternity leave ends I will have to go back to the office 3days a week and the rest of my hours will be flexible work from home so the way things are could continue but realistically either their parents will have to have them or they will have to pay for childcare my baby will be going to childcare 5days a week and I can't afford childcare for 2 children under 2

The fact that you even say "I can't afford childcare for 2 under 2", not "obviously I'm not paying for a child that isn't mine" - this is madness OP. You need to either step away or get a formal arrangement in place for this child.

Backstreets · 25/07/2023 10:41

Well let them both bloody know when your mat leave ends at the very least and ask what their plans are. Not even they can be CF enough to expect you to PAY! FOR CHILDCARE! FOR THEIR CHILD! At least not unless you put the idea in their heads so please don’t talk of it as a remotely feasible thing!

Jazzybean · 25/07/2023 10:42

I honestly think you need to speak to
children’s social care and/or get a legal agreement in place. You are making yourself very vulnerable in this situation and the uncertainty for DSC is really worrying.

Original poster
Hmmokthen · 25/07/2023 10:42

Wenfy · 25/07/2023 10:28

You need to contact social services and tell them what’s going on. This isn’t good for the child at all. All of you are thinking of yourself when there’s a little child (a toddler possibly) staying 3-4 days a week with a stranger because her parents don’t want her.

I am not "a stranger" this child has spent half their life with me and their siblings since they were born

OP posts:
Jazzybean · 25/07/2023 10:43

CocoPlum · 25/07/2023 10:40

The fact that you even say "I can't afford childcare for 2 under 2", not "obviously I'm not paying for a child that isn't mine" - this is madness OP. You need to either step away or get a formal arrangement in place for this child.

Show quote history

How would you even register a child who isn’t yours at nursery?!

Floppyelf · 25/07/2023 10:43

I really hope this is a troll post or a post mumsnet hq has created to keep engagement active… because if its real… what the actual fuck? Who would be such a doormat?

Codlingmoths · 25/07/2023 10:44

I’d drop them all around to your exs and say I’ll collect them when you’ve set up an automatic weekly transfer of x. Otherwise they are all coming here two nights a week and you will find out how much feeding them and nappies costs.
id be betting he won’t want that of course, only you will know whether he’d just walk out on them in his own place.

you’re a lovely person to give bonus dc a caring home :)

Batalax · 25/07/2023 10:44

How will you look after them for this long when your maternity leave ends?

They are so flakey. Either you accept full financial responsibility or reduce contact significantly. I can’t see any other option really.

Ideally they all maintain a relationship at their dads, but I think you are too emotionally attached for that aren’t you?

Floppyelf · 25/07/2023 10:45

Hmmokthen · 25/07/2023 10:42

I am not "a stranger" this child has spent half their life with me and their siblings since they were born

Show quote history

OP you have boundary issues. You have seperated… now you need to work on having boundaries and enforcing them.

NoraBattysCurlers · 25/07/2023 10:45

OP, are your older children getting any attention?

It's tough enough to share a parent with one new baby, never mind two.

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