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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m a tutor & a parent wants to sit in on every lesson

294 replies

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 23/07/2023 21:52

I’m a qualified teacher and I also offer private tuition. I’ve just taken on a new pupil (going into year 6 in September) and he recently came to my house for his first lesson. I invited his mum in and she sat in for the whole lesson. I had no problem with this as usually the first session involves some discussion and it’s fine for a parent to want to see how I teach. During this lesson, I showed her my up-to-date clear DBS certificate. She then booked a second lesson but instead of dropping her son at mine and picking him up at the end of the lesson, followed him in and sat in on the whole lesson again.

The thing is, I don’t want a parent sitting in on lessons every time. It changes the dynamic and I just want to be able to have an hour with the child. Instead, I have her just sitting there which is really off putting.

So, AIBU to ask her to drop her son off and not expect to sit in on every lesson? Or is it reasonable for her to expect to be able to observe everything since it’s a service she’s paying for? And if I’m not BU, how do I word the request without offending her?

YABU- the mum should be able to sit in on every lesson if she wants.
YANBU - the mum should drop her son off and leave me to it.

OP posts:
DuckIings · 23/07/2023 21:54

She’s paying, she gets what she wants. You are free to say you don’t work like that though, and she may then take her business elsewhere.

orangeleavesinautumn · 23/07/2023 21:55

Mum can sit in if she wants to. If you don't want that you need to make that clear in your ad, but tbh, who would employ a tutor that wants secret meetings with your child?

I am a tutor too, everything is open and public, I am never alone with a child

SayingwhatIreallythink · 23/07/2023 21:56

She may think that you want her to sit in, if you invited her the first time. She’s probably desperate to be excused.

calmcoco · 23/07/2023 21:57

I was a tutor. I would be fine with the parent being there if they want to. If the parent gives you any trouble - as in interfering with the lesson - then you can terminate if you wish.

I'd expect the parent to read or something.

You can ask them if they want to stay because you're happy for them not to, they may just have the wrong end of the stick.

SayingwhatIreallythink · 23/07/2023 21:57

Or else she wants to learn it as well so she can help her child at home.

Doggymummar · 23/07/2023 21:57

When I was a driving instructor I had a mum like this. I dropped the pupil in the end as it was really off putting

Jobalob · 23/07/2023 21:57

Of course the mum doesn’t get to sit in. I’ve never heard of a parent sitting in on a tutor session. She can wait outside the room if you’re happy for that or like most other parents go away and come back at the end of the lesson. There’s no way my child would get the same out of a tutor session with me sitting there than if I wasn’t

DustyLee123 · 23/07/2023 21:57

I wouldn’t want a person alone with my young child, DBS or not.

FawnFrenchieMum · 23/07/2023 21:58

Have you started with, you don’t need to stay if you don’t want to?
I have a year 6 child and I’m not I’d want to drop them off and leave them.
We’ve recently had tutors for my 16 year old, they came to our house. I didn’t stay in the room all the time, but was free to go in if I wanted.

Pyracantha1 · 23/07/2023 22:00

As a parent to young children I would not leave them alone at a strangers house. If you feel uncomfortable with a parent quietly sitting there then you really have to ask yourself why. Why is it so off putting for you?
Also DBS or no DBS abusers come in every shape, size and profession and I'm certainly not going to be taking a risk.

Hellocatshome · 23/07/2023 22:00

Is it too far for her to go home and come back again?
Does she think you want her to stay?
Does the child want her to stay?
Is there somewhere else she could wait within earshot of the room you teach in?

The only way this can be resolved and everyone be happy is to talk to her about it.

SpaceRaiders · 23/07/2023 22:01

Perhaps child isn’t comfortable being left? DD’s have a tutor and I’ve never thought to sit in for the exact reason you give. I sit in the car or drop and run depending on what I’ve got on. Although in our case tutor is someone we’ve known for years prior to her tutoring dc.

gogomoto · 23/07/2023 22:02

If the mum wants to sit in why does it matter, you just ignore them

RudsyFarmer · 23/07/2023 22:02

I thought it was a safe guarding thing? My son has weekly tuition at his tutor’s house and I sit in the lounge. She asked me to. I assumed she wanted me there as a safeguarding measure. Now I’m wondering if she’d rather I fucked off lol 🤣

ladyvivienne · 23/07/2023 22:04

I drop mine and go shopping. I wouldn't dream of sitting in,

Anyone saying they're not leaving their chid with a stranger, well them you make damn sure you pick one you've met first and got good reviews and you've got good vibes about!

The alternative is obviously you teach at her house - for a premium of course. That was she can be comfortable in the room adjoining but the child won't be distracted.

Boomboom22 · 23/07/2023 22:04

I've never stayed, if you don't trust the tutor don't book them?

Fordian · 23/07/2023 22:05

DustyLee123 · 23/07/2023 21:57

I wouldn’t want a person alone with my young child, DBS or not.

The child is at least 10.

That's not 'young child'.

Did you sit in on all after school activities, clubs, swimming, football, gymnastics, Rainbows, Beavers? 🤔

Fordian · 23/07/2023 22:06

Boomboom22 · 23/07/2023 22:04

I've never stayed, if you don't trust the tutor don't book them?

Yup.

FlowersInTheSky · 23/07/2023 22:07

DuckIings · 23/07/2023 21:54

She’s paying, she gets what she wants. You are free to say you don’t work like that though, and she may then take her business elsewhere.

This. YABU. It would concern me if you had an issue with this.

PuttingDownRoots · 23/07/2023 22:08

As a Cub leader, I cant be on premises with just one child. Its against safeguarding policy.

So no, actually, I wouldn't drop my 10yo off at a tutors house alone. Group session yes.

Hellocatshome · 23/07/2023 22:09

Fordian · 23/07/2023 22:05

The child is at least 10.

That's not 'young child'.

Did you sit in on all after school activities, clubs, swimming, football, gymnastics, Rainbows, Beavers? 🤔

Show quote history

Im not really invested either way as I've never used a tutor and my kids are older but those activities are different as there will be more than 1 adult and 1 child present and they are held in public areas not private households.

poetryandwine · 23/07/2023 22:09

Having tutored myself I agree with you OP. I do wonder whether the mum thinks you expect her to stay.

For those who wouldn’t trust a stranger with their DC, I think the answer is to offer a premium for the tutor to come to your house so you can be within hailing distance without hovering. Second best would be to wait in another room of the tutor’s house if this offers enough privacy

orangeleavesinautumn · 23/07/2023 22:11

ladyvivienne · 23/07/2023 22:04

I drop mine and go shopping. I wouldn't dream of sitting in,

Anyone saying they're not leaving their chid with a stranger, well them you make damn sure you pick one you've met first and got good reviews and you've got good vibes about!

The alternative is obviously you teach at her house - for a premium of course. That was she can be comfortable in the room adjoining but the child won't be distracted.

What use do you think "good vibes" are in screening out potential problems?

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 23/07/2023 22:12

Is there somewhere else she could sit? A room across the way or even in the hall? It could be a bit of a drive and not worth her going anywhere, or concerns about safeguarding, so giving her an alternative that isn’t in the room might work.

Jobalob · 23/07/2023 22:12

Seriously, who has genuinely used a tutor and sat in on the lesson? What about private music lessons? Childminders? Nanny’s? Driving instructors?

what’s the difference? Tutors for 10 /11 year olds don’t have mummy sitting in the lesson. That’s just bizarre. If you don’t trust them with your child you don’t use a private tutor