I’m a tutor & a parent wants to sit in on every lesson

[BrightGreenMoonBuggy]

I’m a qualified teacher and I also offer private tuition. I’ve just taken on a new pupil (going into year 6 in September) and he recently came to my house for his first lesson. I invited his mum in and she sat in for the whole lesson. I had no problem with this as usually the first session involves some discussion and it’s fine for a parent to want to see how I teach. During this lesson, I showed her my up-to-date clear DBS certificate. She then booked a second lesson but instead of dropping her son at mine and picking him up at the end of the lesson, followed him in and sat in on the whole lesson again.

The thing is, I don’t want a parent sitting in on lessons every time. It changes the dynamic and I just want to be able to have an hour with the child. Instead, I have her just sitting there which is really off putting.

So, AIBU to ask her to drop her son off and not expect to sit in on every lesson? Or is it reasonable for her to expect to be able to observe everything since it’s a service she’s paying for? And if I’m not BU, how do I word the request without offending her?

YABU- the mum should be able to sit in on every lesson if she wants.
YANBU - the mum should drop her son off and leave me to it.

If it doesn’t work for you, then explain calmly to the parent that they need to find a tutor who’s a better fit.
I’m a teacher who has tutored, and I agree that it’s a very different dynamic when a parent is there, headphones or not.

BTW tutoring is not about the power differential. A huge part of it is relaxing tutees enough to make them comfortable exposing their ignorance. ‘This hour is about taking you from where you are right now to the next step.’ Sometimes children are ashamed for their parents, no matter how loving, to know exactly where they are (intellectually) right now.

I recently did a safeguarding course to become a helper at an activity my 11 year old son does as they were short and would have had to close without additional helpers. We were all told that we should always ensure we never got ourselves in a private 1-1 situation with a child as this would automatically raise safeguarding concerns so I am surprised you are ok with being alone in your house

Maybe, I am missing the point, but why would this even be an issue. Much like any elective service, when service provider and client disagree on cost , or terms of service they simply do not enter into
an agreement. There need not be any debate. The tutor can find another client, and the mother can probably find a tutor who will agree to her terms of service. If the mom cannot find an agreeable tutor, she may change her terms or do without.

I don't know if there are any industry sanctioned or endorsed best practices in the tutoring industry, but if so the OP might want to share that information with this client. Otherwise, this seems to be a lot of bother for a single client.

I had to sit in on one of my kids who first started tutor (additonal needs and wouldn't stay) I tucked myself in a corner with headphones and a book. I'm lucky I can now leave them. Iv no issues leaving my child alone with their tutor, totally changes dynamic when I'm there and they don't work as well

Orange your previous posts were deleted. Stop it. If you really do teach then you know disclosures happen privately, feedback on coursework happens privately. A door cannot always be open. A random parent helper is different to a teacher or tutor anyway. And in scouts there is no requirement to be 1 to 1 but also the leaders often lead small groups alone, eg on a hike or activity towards a badge.

@Boomboom22 I sincerely hope @orangeleavesinautumn doesn't teach. She is not stable enough to be around children on a regular basis.

I would ask the parent not to sit in, and if she refuses then drop the pupil.

It’s fine for the parent to not trust a “stranger” (albeit a qualified teacher with police check), but that means said parent/pupil will have access to only only a certain number of tutors who are willing to have parents sit in on 1-1 maths/music/language etc lessons. Most will not enjoy teaching like this.

And I do also agree with OP that a parent in the room does change the dynamic - most teachers know that students behave differently (usually more cautiously and introverted when in presence of a parent, which is usually detrimental to learning).

It doesn't matter how many times you deny it. No trained, competent, genuine teacher or tutor would shut themselves away 1:1 with a child, out of sight of other adults.

Anyone doing it is laying themselves wide open, if reported to ofsted, that would be an immediate "special measures" for a start.

Basic safeguarding - any one not aware and following basic safe guarding has no business anywhere near a child

@orangeleavesinautumn I'd love you to answer my question

@orangeleavesinautumn

But surely the vast majority of 1-1 music tuition takes place like this? Having onlookers simply doesn’t work.

If she goes out to work, I wonder how she would like to be monitored so closely. It sounds horrendous for that poor child.

But also been in the flip coin in that a parent never stays, but returns end of hour and wants a minute by minute break down of everything that happened in the session. So for every hour they also got 30 minutes free

I wouldn’t have given them 30 minutes free! They can want whatever they like.

I used to do private tutoring and would always ask the parent to sit in an adjoining room as I found it made my session less natural with an audience...bit like an inspection. I was always happy to talk to parents and show them what we'd been doing.

What about how much the child may want to please a tutor? Or feel a bit intimidated by them? Or really like them and don’t want to get anything wrong in front of them?

I just think it’s an assumption that the tutor and child alone is ‘better’, or that a child is able to be more themselves. This assumes that children as a whole need to ‘detach’ from their parents in order to learn, and that parents are an inhibiting factor.

This was a very helpful post, thank you. I’m on the same page as you.

I’m grateful for all of the responses and I hope I don’t seem rude if I’m not replying to anyone who posted at length. I only expected a few replies! The replies are very much divided and it’s been interesting to see both sides. I did set up a poll but it’s either not showing or I can’t see the results.

I think when I see her next I’ll mention that she doesn’t have to come and join in on the lessons, just in case she does think that’s the expectation. I’ve never had anyone think that it is, but you never know! At least then I’ll know she’s not dreading it herself. We can go from there. I’ll allow her to stay if she wants but just let her know that it would be helpful if she busies herself with something so she’s merely present rather than participating. Unfortunately, I don’t have a house layout which would allow her to sit in a separate room and still observe the lesson so it would defeat the point if it’s about child protection. It’s the table or the car!

I do it every day
I have almost 30 years' teaching experience and over 10 years doing tutoring.
Not only are the parents happy to leave their child in my house, they are happy to recommend me to their friends
I'm trained, competent and genuine
So you're wrong there.

Is your client chinese? I used to tutor in China and it's really common there! I usually just explained that it changes the dynamic of the class having the parent in, I usually asked them if they act the same or different around their parents. Would they be more scared of getting the answer wrong for example. If this doesn't work, you have a choice. Keep the kid and the parent. Or lose the money. Good luck.

I'm guessing this has already been said but it may well be that Mum thinks she's supposed to sit in - remember that you've done this before, quite probably Mum hasn't. Also it may not be massively practical to drop off and pick up again after an hour as its hardly worth the petrol to drive there and back twice - its quite reasonable to say something like 'now Child has settled in I find it works much better if the parent isn't there as the child will often worry about disappointing you if they get something wrong - you are welcome to drop and pick up after an hour, or if its easier for you just sit in your car and have a break while you wait'

@orangeleavesinautumn
Whilst I agree with you that the tutor is open to allegations - ofsted are not interested in private tutors as they are not registered. In addition within a school staff are not reported for having one to one's with students. There are times when teachers work or are with pupils one to one and I think that it is a good thing that we have not reached the situation where we view every adult or interaction between adult and child as potential breach waiting to happen.

Teachers are professionals and we need to trust them - of course schools have safeguarding procedures and protocols in place and it is right that they have these. Nevertheless they generally don't say no one to one interaction in a classroom - they might well say make sure the room are in has a door with a window in or keep the door a jar - that is more to protect the teacher against malicious and sometimes fabricated allegations.

I teach piano and have tutored English before too. I can't see the problem, if it makes them feel more comfortable, as long as the parent doesn't interfere. If you're confident in your subject and ability, it shouldn't affect your performance. I have several parents that stay for the lessons and they just play on their phones and completely switch off for the duration of the lesson. You can tell they're not listening to a word most of the time. They're paying me, so I'm happy to accommodate.

I can see the poll! Ok, so it’s not as divided as the comments suggested!

And no @MotherofWulfs she isn’t Chinese.

I’ve taught privately for years (music). I actually actively encourage parents to sit in! I love it when they take an interest and can support their children. Once the children are more secondary aged I’d expect it less and less but I certainly wouldn’t have an issue with it either way. I hardly notice the parents, I just focus on the student.