I’m a tutor & a parent wants to sit in on every lesson

[BrightGreenMoonBuggy]

I’m a qualified teacher and I also offer private tuition. I’ve just taken on a new pupil (going into year 6 in September) and he recently came to my house for his first lesson. I invited his mum in and she sat in for the whole lesson. I had no problem with this as usually the first session involves some discussion and it’s fine for a parent to want to see how I teach. During this lesson, I showed her my up-to-date clear DBS certificate. She then booked a second lesson but instead of dropping her son at mine and picking him up at the end of the lesson, followed him in and sat in on the whole lesson again.

The thing is, I don’t want a parent sitting in on lessons every time. It changes the dynamic and I just want to be able to have an hour with the child. Instead, I have her just sitting there which is really off putting.

So, AIBU to ask her to drop her son off and not expect to sit in on every lesson? Or is it reasonable for her to expect to be able to observe everything since it’s a service she’s paying for? And if I’m not BU, how do I word the request without offending her?

YABU- the mum should be able to sit in on every lesson if she wants.
YANBU - the mum should drop her son off and leave me to it.

It might or might not be detrimental to the learning, but I don’t know why that would matter to the tutor?

If the parents want to sit in and the child doesn’t learn as well then that’s their lookout surely? I wouldn’t bother if I was a tutor.

@PimmsandCucumbers A good tutor is aware of these dynamics and working all the time to prevent them from taking hold.

Hypotheses are easy; evidence carries the day. There is not a single post here, or anywhere I know of, concerning inhibited learning because a child was worried about disappointing their tutor - although I am sure that rare instances of this phenomenon must exist. But on this thread aline we have many instances of PPs who have been tutees and otherwise expressing understanding of how parental attendance may inhibit the performance of DC.

I think it is time for you to back up your hypothesis with evidence that it is a real world concern at scale.

I'm a tutor and I always allow parents to stay. You and the child will get used to it. Can't understand why you feel uncomfortable unless you are insecure in your ability to teach.

The idea that there is some kind of special sacred open learning space if it’s just tutor and child is a fallacy.

Actually the relationship between a child and their tutor can be quite special and sacred as it's often the only relationship of that sort the child has (a primary relationship with an adult who is neither a family member nor a friend of their parent/s). I left school thirty years ago and am still in regular contact with my piano teacher because of the bond that was formed in that context.

It is also, imo, naive to think that the addition of a third party doesn't change the dynamic. Even amongst immediate family members different combinations of people will create different dynamics.

This is actually pretty insulting and patronising. I was an AST for years - I’m perfectly confident in my ability. There are only so many times that I and others can point out the clear difference between allowing a parent to sit unobtrusively nearby while you get on and teach (nobody objects to this) and them wanting to sit so that their child is sandwiched between us during what is meant to be a 1-2-1 lesson. That level of involvement is unnecessary. If that suits you, then great.

The thing is as it’s a service that the parents are paying for they think (not unreasonably) that it ought to be delivered in the way that suits them- they want a tutor who will teach while they sit and monitor.

The only way forward is for you to tell them you don’t work that way and let them find someone else.

You said earlier that tutors are more at risk than pupils and, of course, you're absolutely right. Most teachers and tutors are completely safe, and many have been working on a 1:1 basis for years. It's the way they've always worked, they've always been trusted, they've built up excellent reputations and many don't see the problem.

The trouble is that things have changed. There is now a greater risk of false allegations and litigious parents. It's worrying to hear teachers and tutors saying they still work in the old way, unchaperoned and unobserved in a 1:1 situation when today's risk of losing their livelihood and their reputation is very real.

Tutors, if you really must work alone with children, please do all you can to keep yourself safe. Make sure you're observed, or use cameras, or ask parents to remain with you - do something to protect yourselves.

If, God forbid!, someone makes an allegation, you do not want to find out the hard way that you can't prove your innocence. All the DBS checks in the world will not help you.

@Tanith
I think it is a sad reflection on society given the allegations made are often found to be untrue. However, if you are tutoring one to one then clearly that is a choice of the tutor - legally that is allowed.

Like, ever? 😂

Maybe talk to them & say you find some students are more self conscious with a parent watching & you’re happy if she wants to drop off. If she wants to stay, you’ll have to let her - or stop booking lessons from them?

Maybe she things she has to stay as she stayed the first time. At the next lesson when they arrive just say ‘ow you know you don’t have to stay if you don’t want to’
If she wants to you may just have to put up with it.

Well OP the NSPCC recommends that private tutors give parents the option to sit in the lessons, or alternatively within ear shot with the door open.

Which should trump tutors own preferences or hypotheses that they are so much better alone with the child that this trumps good safeguarding.

Within earshot with the door open is quite different to sitting in.

Just tell her she doesn't need to sit in on the lessons. If she doesn't get the hint you have to lump it.

I love how people always find a way to misunderstand.

Sitting in the room, possibly right next to the pupil and teacher and sitting within earshot is very different.

I can definitely say that most would prefer sitting within earshot part unless they have a massive room where the parent can sit at a distance and it felt as if “they weren’t really there”.

In a previous home I had a very long open plan lounge / diner / kitchen.

I would be happy with the parent sitting on the sofa while we’re on the dining table say.
Would feel a bit uneasy for the parent to sit at the table too though.

Exactly

@321user123 and @poetryandwine You both get it. Thank you. A few users are convinced the problem is that I am unaware of the concept of safeguarding and therefore want to ban parents from being able to see or hear any part of a lesson. I don’t care about being observed for the entire hour, if it’s unobtrusive and not distracting.

The mother was sitting in our lesson turning the pages in his maths book for him. He has hands. I have hands. I don’t understand why some people can’t grasp that for this and a hundred other reasons, it’s not a normal way to run 1-2-1 tuition. It’s a hour for me to focus on the child. The parents are usually busy and getting on with their own stuff. Sitting at the table seems very much like helicopter parenting. I have three children and I just would not do this!

I get you. I dabbled in tutoring - gave parents the option to be present that they never took after meeting me - if they did the entire dynamic would change as my aim is to get the kids relaxed and not worry about mistakes while we’re learning, so we can explore and learn how to learn from errors- they cannot do that if there’s a parent hanging about if that’s not the parents approach, I cannot concentrate and teach effectively if I’m constantly checking whether my approach is what the parent agrees with. Gosh, that’d be exhausting.

On a practical level - can you remove all but 2 chairs from the table? This way if she wants to stay and observe for whatever reason she’ll be forced to at least not sit at the table?

You could create a ‘parent area’ in an adjacent room with an armchair, bottled water and some magazines and tell them the door is always open