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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m a tutor & a parent wants to sit in on every lesson

294 replies

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 23/07/2023 21:52

I’m a qualified teacher and I also offer private tuition. I’ve just taken on a new pupil (going into year 6 in September) and he recently came to my house for his first lesson. I invited his mum in and she sat in for the whole lesson. I had no problem with this as usually the first session involves some discussion and it’s fine for a parent to want to see how I teach. During this lesson, I showed her my up-to-date clear DBS certificate. She then booked a second lesson but instead of dropping her son at mine and picking him up at the end of the lesson, followed him in and sat in on the whole lesson again.

The thing is, I don’t want a parent sitting in on lessons every time. It changes the dynamic and I just want to be able to have an hour with the child. Instead, I have her just sitting there which is really off putting.

So, AIBU to ask her to drop her son off and not expect to sit in on every lesson? Or is it reasonable for her to expect to be able to observe everything since it’s a service she’s paying for? And if I’m not BU, how do I word the request without offending her?

YABU- the mum should be able to sit in on every lesson if she wants.
YANBU - the mum should drop her son off and leave me to it.

OP posts:
Hopelesscynic · 23/07/2023 22:53

Jobalob · 23/07/2023 22:12

Seriously, who has genuinely used a tutor and sat in on the lesson? What about private music lessons? Childminders? Nanny’s? Driving instructors?

what’s the difference? Tutors for 10 /11 year olds don’t have mummy sitting in the lesson. That’s just bizarre. If you don’t trust them with your child you don’t use a private tutor

This ^

caringcarer · 23/07/2023 22:53

My Foster Son was tutored for many years. I drove him to tutors house. Tutor had a lounge dining room. I sat in the lounge area and read my kindle. FS was up to the dining room table with his tutor. I never said a word. I would be suspicious if the tutor wanted the child on their own. I just can't think why it would be necessary. It would be different if the parent kept interrupting.

Bumblebee2022 · 23/07/2023 22:55

We have a tutor sourced by the local authority as part of my daughters ehcp who comes to our house. Part of the contract/terms and conditions is that there is always another adult in the house when the tutor is here so the child is never one to one with the tutor. For Safeguarding reeasons, the same as with Girlguiding/scouting policy for a leader never to be one to one with a child. It would protect the child from a risky tutor, but also protect the tutor from malicious allegations.

Maybe have a discussion with the parent and find out why they are staying, maybe they don’t know what your expectations are and are wishing you would give them an hour off. They might have a very valid reason for wanting to sit in. But, if you don’t want the parent there, you are allowed to terminate the sessions, but I think that would look quite suspicious.

chickbean · 23/07/2023 22:55

Maybe you could charge her double the fee, as you are teaching two people instead of one 😁

Viviennemary · 23/07/2023 22:56

I quite understand why you dont want this, it is not usual. Tell her it's not the way you work and if she insists tell her to find another tutor. Ridiculous.

Thosepeskyseagulls · 23/07/2023 22:56

Is it possible the Mum actually wants to learn what you are teaching (grammar etc)?

Allywill · 23/07/2023 22:57

My girls both had tutoring 1 on 1 - around age 8-10 - I didn’t sit in any lesson. In fact grandparent dropped them off and I picked up after a hour. One daughter had guitar lessons from around a similar age - again I was not present.

EnidSpyton · 23/07/2023 22:58

Thosepeskyseagulls · 23/07/2023 22:56

Is it possible the Mum actually wants to learn what you are teaching (grammar etc)?

In which case she should be paying for the privilege! She can't have two for the price of one!

Budikka · 23/07/2023 22:58

To be honest, I think it would be rather off-putting for the child and detrimental to the child's learning. It is the exact same as a mother attending a child's school lesson.

Some people are talking about safeguarding issues, which is fair enough. But if the mother feared this, I would expect her to say she was going to sit in from the start - so maybe she has indeed got the wrong end of the stick? If the mother is worried or paranoid, then there are surely other options besides 1-2-1 tutoring these days?

JudgeRudy · 23/07/2023 22:59

It's fine to tell her you don't want her there. If that's not what she's looking for then she's free to go elsewhere, so long as you're prepared to lose a client. Of course you could suggest she pays for her lesson as she is in your 'class' after all....or maybe get a friend or some random person to also sit in with you (just joking).
No, I would not agree to this.

NewName122 · 23/07/2023 22:59

Did you explain parents usually leave? She might think she's supposed to stay.

Plasmodesmata · 23/07/2023 23:03

As Enid has already said - there is no requirement for a private tutor to have a DBS (although many agencies will require it). It's worth parents being aware of this. Loophole that needs closing, I think.

SleepyMathematician · 23/07/2023 23:03

I’m a tutor and years ago no one stayed but increasingly I’m finding that parents stay. Im absolutely fine with that - I think in this day and age the more open and transparent you can be the better. I always make it very clear parents are welcome to sit in if they want. Why is it offputting? If the parent could/ wanted to teach the subject they wouldn’t be paying you. I’m also a qualified teacher and I’m surprised with all your safeguarding training that you are pushing to be on your own with a child you don’t really know. I think it’s something that nowadays you have to get comfortable with, to be honest. As long as the parent is quiet/ reads/ doesn’t interrupt then I find the child eventually forgets they are there as the weeks go on. I think there are huge advantages too to the parent hearing what you’re doing and any follow up work you want done in the week.

Nanny0gg · 23/07/2023 23:03

orangeleavesinautumn · 23/07/2023 21:55

Mum can sit in if she wants to. If you don't want that you need to make that clear in your ad, but tbh, who would employ a tutor that wants secret meetings with your child?

I am a tutor too, everything is open and public, I am never alone with a child

I can understand the parent being in the building but not in the room!

You don't have parents in the classroom (and the child will never behave naturally with the parent there)

Channellingsophistication · 23/07/2023 23:03

Bit odd for mum to sit in - my son had maths & english tutoring in Y6 and I left him to it. He wouldnt have wanted me there. I went off and did food shop. However, with piano lessons, I was encouraged to stay. It was only 30 mins and I read my book and listened. I loved it !

I think you have to say she is welcome to stay but perhaps she may wish to leave you to it… then she will either get hint or not. However if she wants to sit in she should be allowed to do so I guess…

Jobalob · 23/07/2023 23:03

orangeleavesinautumn · 23/07/2023 22:31

with the door open and other staff around....

Show quote history

No not in a room with an open door with staff around. Oh ok the music department in one of the provate lesson rooms with the door closed and soundproofed

Custardslices · 23/07/2023 23:03

It's a way to protect yourself from any terrible allegations so I'd let her stay and any parent for that matter

You asking a parent to leave is red flag

MysteryBelle · 23/07/2023 23:04

orangeleavesinautumn · 23/07/2023 21:55

Mum can sit in if she wants to. If you don't want that you need to make that clear in your ad, but tbh, who would employ a tutor that wants secret meetings with your child?

I am a tutor too, everything is open and public, I am never alone with a child

Agree.

Why would a tutor insist on being alone with a child?

Justsaying22 · 23/07/2023 23:04

My 13 yr old ds goes to a maths tutor. I would never sit in on any lesson, I think it would put my ds off tbh.

Offyoupoplove · 23/07/2023 23:06

I used two rooms for this reason. Parents sit in my living room with door ajar to dining room where I sit with the child. I actually don’t think I’d want to be home alone with a child from a safeguarding point of view, personally. I told a parent recently they couldn’t drop and leave.

SleepyMathematician · 23/07/2023 23:07

EnidSpyton · 23/07/2023 22:58

In which case she should be paying for the privilege! She can't have two for the price of one!

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This is a ridiculous statement. Surely the outcome you want is for the child to succeed? If the mum understands what you’re teaching and how you’re approaching it (which it’s very possible she can pick up when the child is only Y5/6) then that child is going to have more help at home and do better all round. Unless you’re just grabbing the money and couldn’t care less how the child does, it’s all to the good if the mother is picking it up too.

Jobalob · 23/07/2023 23:08

orangeleavesinautumn · 23/07/2023 22:29

But is the tutor alone with the child though? I have never known a tutor be alone with a child. Either in an open room where parents can see and hear them, or in a room with other tutors, or if 1:2:1 in a private room, the parent stays.

This protects the tutor as much as the child - more probably.

No tutor should be alone with a child

Show quote history

Of course they’re alone with the Child. You go to their house drop the child off and pick them up an hour later. It wouldn’t occur to me that it would be any different. The tutor then brings them to the door, tell you what they done and any homework and then you go home and the next child goes in. I have always used recommended people who are either teachers I know or people other friedns have used but yes. One to one in a private house. Same as I did as a child

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 23/07/2023 23:11

No, she shouldn't sit in. Distracting for you and the child.

Could you compromise and ask her to sit in the living room, and explain that children tend to focus best for the hour on a one to one?

Or drop said student!

EnidSpyton · 23/07/2023 23:11

Any parent who is concerned about leaving their child alone with a tutor needs to employ a tutor who comes to their house. Having the child and tutor in one room while you are nearby getting on with whatever it is you are doing, within hearing distance all the time, solves the issue.

When a tutor is teaching in their own home, it's their rules. Parents have no right to insist on remaining in the tutor's home during a tutoring session.

It's absurd to say it is a 'red flag' if a tutor wishes to do their work with a child without the interference or distraction of a parent also being in the room. For most children who need tutoring, it's because they struggle with their learning and find learning an anxiety-inducing experience. Having a parent sitting in and watching their every move while with a tutor often only adds to that anxiety and can make the tutoring session utterly pointless, as the child feels that they have to put on a performance for the parent and can't be honest with the tutor about what they do and don't understand.

I would never in a million years allow a parent to routinely attend a tutoring session. I'd be very happy for them to be in another room, or for me to tutor at their house. But not in the room. It completely disrupts the dynamic between teacher and pupil and is detrimental to the child's learning.

As I have said upthread, tutoring is unregulated, so if you are engaging a tutor, make sure you ask to see a DBS check first that is recent (within the last 12 months) and in the tutor's full name, attached to their current address. If you have any concerns about the DBS check, take note of the number and phone the DBS to check it with them. Do not engage any tutor without seeing and confirming a DBS check. Do not assume they will have one. Many will not.

Idtotallybangdreamoftheendlessnotgonnalie · 23/07/2023 23:11

Just talk to her, she might not know what the deal is, or is a bit socially awkward or something.

I've got a tutor visiting my house tomorrow for my 6 year old and I've got no idea whether I'm expected to stay in the room or feck off upstairs for an hour!