I’m a tutor & a parent wants to sit in on every lesson

[BrightGreenMoonBuggy]

I’m a qualified teacher and I also offer private tuition. I’ve just taken on a new pupil (going into year 6 in September) and he recently came to my house for his first lesson. I invited his mum in and she sat in for the whole lesson. I had no problem with this as usually the first session involves some discussion and it’s fine for a parent to want to see how I teach. During this lesson, I showed her my up-to-date clear DBS certificate. She then booked a second lesson but instead of dropping her son at mine and picking him up at the end of the lesson, followed him in and sat in on the whole lesson again.

The thing is, I don’t want a parent sitting in on lessons every time. It changes the dynamic and I just want to be able to have an hour with the child. Instead, I have her just sitting there which is really off putting.

So, AIBU to ask her to drop her son off and not expect to sit in on every lesson? Or is it reasonable for her to expect to be able to observe everything since it’s a service she’s paying for? And if I’m not BU, how do I word the request without offending her?

YABU- the mum should be able to sit in on every lesson if she wants.
YANBU - the mum should drop her son off and leave me to it.

The first thing I think is that a year 6 going to the tutor at a private house is not the obvious or most regular way a child of that age would receive tutoring. My DS had a tutor at that age and she came to our house. Other people we knew had same or used an agency. Recently, friends with much older kids were telling me they had signed up for GCSE revision tutoring and the choice was online or in person at home.

The second is that I have no qualms about saying I was always in earshot of the lessons and it was the same with private music lessons in our own house. I’m generally not a snoopy type but you want to listen in for what you are paying for somehow 🤷‍♀️ ethical or not.

Thirdly, it gives an overview for the parent if they sit in.

Fourthly, when hire a tutor part of Gest you are hiring is someone to give your child confidence as well as skills. So you want to be reassured it’s a good fit and does that

Perhaps ask why they're sitting in? Is this child particularly anxious about working with you until they get to know you better? Is it a medical thing? Could be they are just getting used to a new diagnosis and both are worried about it. The parent should have told you if that is the case but there may be a reason, although I agree it's odd.

I've tutored but I always went to their house and most parents were always around (not in the same room) until they got to know me better and the child knew me.

My answer depends on the setup you have and what you have actually said to the parent. If they are in your home then they may not be comfortable leaving the property entirely during the lesson time but may not feel comfortable asking you if they can go elsewhere in your house if you haven't offered.

Have you said something like "Jack's mum, you're not obliged to stay during the lesson so you are welcome to drop Jack off at 6pm and come back at 7pm if you have other things to do, or you're welcome to use the living room/kitchen/hall just through there if you'd rather stay - there are a few books/magazines on the shelf you're welcome to peruse if you don't have your own"?

I used to tutor when I taught abroad but I either went to the student's house or the students came to my tutoring office.

When we were at students houses we would ideally set up in a communal space such as the dining room or kitchen table however we were in Madrid where space is a premium so sometimes there would be no choice but to go into the child's room as there wasn't anywhere else quiet we could work (eg if it was an open plan flat and there were other children then it was easier for us to go to the child's room than the other children be kept out of the living room where we were working) but we would always have the door open and be within earshot/eyeline of anyone walking past.

Sometimes I would have parents sitting on the sofa reading/scrolling their phone while we worked at the table on the other side of the room and whilst I never objected I often found that the child wouldn't focus as well on those occasions just because they were conscious of their parent's presence and it threw off our rapport, much like if we were being "inspected" - we weren't ever doing anything wrong but it just felt like we needed to be on best behaviour which would often inhibit learning.

If I was working at my office then it was a much better set up. It was a communal office space - the building was all offices but they were set up in little "pods" with 4/5 office spaces all with windows into a small waiting area so I could have a student doing a 1:1 class in the office with the door closed (so I didn't hear the other 4 offices working) but any parent/guardian could see into the room via the window.

However I always made it clear on their first visit that parents were welcome to wait for their child in the waiting room and not in the actual study room itself. On an initial visit I would have the parent come in with the child but I would make it clear that this was not the usual format for a session (and then we'd go on with the signing of paperwork/initial assessment/drawing up a tutoring plan etc) and as part of that discussion I would say that the parent was welcome to drop and go (as long as they waited with the child until their start time as I didn't want people dropping their kids off 20/30 mins early and leaving them unsupervised) or wait but if they waited it would be in the communal area which was shared with the other offices and the only facilities were a water fountain and toilet down the hall so come prepared with a book/podcast etc.

I don’t agree. I have had some to my house but the 11+ tutors liked them to go to their house. They could get through a lot more kids of an afternoon that way. They’d have. 4pm, 5pm and 6pm each going in as soon as the other one came out. They couldn’t have done that if they had to travel. We also had a maths one who did primary right through to A level and she was exactly the same but saw even more of them, every hour from 4-9.

I often had tutors for some of my less mainstream subjects (eg far eastern languages, advanced maths) and my mum NEVER sat in. I would have hated it. I think it’s weird. I also had music lessons and she was never there for those. Just weird.

YANBU

Did you sit in on all after school activities, clubs, swimming, football, gymnastics, Rainbows, Beavers?

These clubs usually all have multiple adults present. Even in schools staff are advised not to be alone with a child where possible for safeguarding reasons.

A tutor is being paid for delivering a service - that of tutoring a child in a specific topic.

They are not being paid to also tutor the child's parent.

It's not about being uncaring or being money grabbing. It's about having clear professional boundaries so you don't get taken the piss out of.

As someone who knew a tutor growing up who used to put his hands in tutees pants all sorts of alarm bells would ring in my head if a tutor asked me to leave. He was a long term primary school teacher too with no dodgy allegations.

As someone (DBS checked with QTS) who works with children our safeguarding policy details how not to be alone with children. I don't understand how you cannot tune out someone sitting silently in the corner. That said she may not realise she has a presence that is affecting the lesson. In your position (that of not caring about protecting yourself from allegations) I would tell her she didn't have to stay if she didn't want to. If she did want to stay I would say that it can be distracting for the child feeling watched so can she please bring a big book to pretend to read so the child isn't as aware of her listening. I may even go into how important mistakes are for learning if I thought there were conversations happening on the journey home that makes the child fearful of saying things in the lesson. But I wouldn't ask her to leave me alone with her child.

DP did private group music lessons in dedicated premises. He could teach ten 5-7 year olds easily - but the moment one Mum insisted on staying in the room every week instead of sitting with a coffee in the next room, a bunch of them did.

The Mums (and it was the Mums, the Dads didn't have a problem with it) started commenting during the lessons or having conversations whilst he was teaching; it turned into more like a toddler entertainment session where he played, the kids ran to Mummy when they didn't put their fingers on the right fret first time and some never got off their Mums' laps for the whole session. And then they complained that their children weren't progressing as quickly as they'd like, he had spent more time with/went to a different child first or that there was a 'different' child in the group.

Seeing as he did the larger group specifically so the cost per child was as low as possible whilst giving them a more relaxed introduction, when he stopped doing the lessons at the end of the block, they all missed out on a lovely little social session, learning without the pressure of grades and gaining confidence from playing as a little group.

I'd say sack her off if she won't wait outside the room.

My children both do music and drama lessons 1:1 and I don't stay. They do another session on zoom and my presence (just even in the house) is distracting and impacts the lesson. I'd ask them to come back after or wait in the car (unless child needs their mother for some genuine reason).

Are you planning to send them to school? How do you plan to prevent there ever being a situation where someone is alone with your child? It may well be that this happens if they think your child needs extra help, if someone like the head or SENCO needs to assess them, when people take them out to hear them read, when Ofsted inspectors come, etc etc etc.

This. If it were me I would be desperate to leave, but having been invited to stay the first time would assume that was the expectation. Surely a candid conversation would help clarify expectations on both sides, and give you the opportunity to explain the difference in dynamic when parent present vs. 1:1

The first thing I think is that a year 6 going to the tutor at a private house is not the obvious or most regular way a child of that age would receive tutoring. My DS had a tutor at that age and she came to our house. Other people we knew had same or used an agency. Recently, friends with much older kids were telling me they had signed up for GCSE revision tutoring and the choice was online or in person at home.

I disagree. My children had 1-1 lessons for various reasons including music lessons and help with dyslexia. They were all in the teacher's premises.

What if you go to theirs and sit at the dining table or desk to work with the tutor? She might feel more comfortable then and its not an invasion of your own space.

but in the lounge is different than in the same room..
I used to do tutoring in the old days and I’d be uncomfortable if the parent would be watching me like a hawk constantly 🤭

I was sitting at every lesson with my elder DC and I am doing it with my younger one as well. It's what tutor wants (same person). I do not interfere in any way, but sit quietly with my phone and witchcraft saga3.

you would never ever ever be alone with a child in a classroom

I’d you’re operating a professional service then I would have thought the onus was on you to lay out your expectations from the first session. I’d present it as a done deal …” happy for you to sit in the first session mum but after that perhaps you could wait at ….. coffee shop so we can maximise our time learning “ or whatever your reasoning is. I used to interview children for my role in the police and would never do it with the child’s parent in the room for various reasons. It just needs to be explained clearly from the start so the parent isn’t left wondering what the expectation is.

Not true. You are, quite frequently, alone with a child in a classroom, or office.

Children stay behind after lessons all the time to tell you things in confidence, hand in things, or for you to speak to them about their work/behaviour, etc.

I don't know where this idea that teachers are never alone with children comes from. Of course we are. It can't be avoided.

We do our best to mitigate it by leaving classroom doors open but if you seriously think your child is never alone with an adult whilst at school, you are delusional.

you have the door open and other adults outside the door.

Basic safeguarding

@orangeleavesinautumn who wouldn't?

Thanks for all of the replies. The responses seem pretty split! To answer a few questions, she is sitting at a table with us (not reading or in another room). Some tutors have understood what I’m saying and have posted that they can imagine this changing the dynamic - it really does. It’s distracting for him because his attention is split between two adults. He keeps looking at her before answering. If he gets things wrong, she makes signs that indicate that she expected him to know it. When he answers my questions, she sometimes chips in. It’s different to a parent watching football training on the sidelines or hanging around at arm’s length.

I’ve tutored hundreds of pupils. There’s nothing at all ‘secretive’ about the lessons. When pupils have lessons in their own homes, I obviously expect their parents to be wandering around but most do try to make themselves inconspicuous. The equivalent when parents are bringing their children to mine is usually that they drop their child off and wait in the car or do some errands. One mum brings her dog and walks him. I think most work on their laptops. They are, of course, choosing to do this of their own free will.

I’ll give it some more thought. I find the suggestions that it’s red-flag behaviour from me pretty alarming though! I’m not trying to secretly get a child on his own and hide the contents of the lesson from his mother - just teach him some maths independently!

Perhaps the child has asked their mum to stay as they’re not keen on the whole tutoring idea?

no teacher would ever, it would be a serious disciplinary issue. You try getting your union to represent you if you have done something so stupid.

I quite clearly said 'we do our best to mitigate it by leaving classroom doors open'.

But adults won't always be just outside or within hearing distance. There aren't hordes of other teachers just hanging around in corridors waiting to spot teachers who are stuck alone with a student. They're busy doing their own teaching!

This is why we have DBS checks and safeguarding training - we do everything we can to make sure adults working with children are as safe as possible to do so, because we know the ideal scenario of a child never being left alone with an adult is just that - an ideal.