I’m a tutor & a parent wants to sit in on every lesson

[BrightGreenMoonBuggy]

I’m a qualified teacher and I also offer private tuition. I’ve just taken on a new pupil (going into year 6 in September) and he recently came to my house for his first lesson. I invited his mum in and she sat in for the whole lesson. I had no problem with this as usually the first session involves some discussion and it’s fine for a parent to want to see how I teach. During this lesson, I showed her my up-to-date clear DBS certificate. She then booked a second lesson but instead of dropping her son at mine and picking him up at the end of the lesson, followed him in and sat in on the whole lesson again.

The thing is, I don’t want a parent sitting in on lessons every time. It changes the dynamic and I just want to be able to have an hour with the child. Instead, I have her just sitting there which is really off putting.

So, AIBU to ask her to drop her son off and not expect to sit in on every lesson? Or is it reasonable for her to expect to be able to observe everything since it’s a service she’s paying for? And if I’m not BU, how do I word the request without offending her?

YABU- the mum should be able to sit in on every lesson if she wants.
YANBU - the mum should drop her son off and leave me to it.

Absolute nonsense.

When he answers my questions, she sometimes chips in.

With that update alone I'd be asking her to leave - it's a 1:1 tutoring session not a collaboration. I wouldn't want to say she can't stay at all but I would only allow her to stay in another area.

I would just have a word with her at the next lesson "Jack's mum, I appreciate that you want to support your child's learning with the tutoring but O do not usually have parents sitting in on the lessons and I am noticing that Jack is not focussing on the work as well as I would expect due to your presence and participation in his session. Therefore I will have to ask you not to sit in on the lessons from now on. If you aren't comfortable leaving the house then you are welcome to sit in the hall/living room during the class time but not in the room itself. If that is going to be a problem then unfortunately then you may need to look for another tutor."

It is indeed absolute nonsense. The amount of Victorian schools I visit with endless corridors of classrooms.. lone teachers within and doors firmly shut. As a pp said, who are these extra adults wandering around with their safeguarding hats on? Teachers work alone with kids all day long I can quite categorically assure you of that.

What you're describing is exactly why parents shouldn't be sitting in on tutoring.

I would say to her at the beginning of the next session - I appreciate you wanted to sit in on the first couple of sessions to see how X settled in, but it is my policy to not have parents sit in on lessons routinely as I find it unsettles the pupils and I can't do my best work. You're very welcome to wait in the lounge but I won't be able to let you continue to sit in. If that's a problem then I of course understand that you'll need to take your business elsewhere.'

Just be up front and make your expectations clear. You're not doing anything wrong by wanting to a 1-1 tutoring session to be exactly that!

I've found it a total mix of what different teachers/tutors want.

DD (14) does a lot of music classes.

One instrument I have always left them to it, but the whole class is recorded by both student and teacher.

Another I went and sat in for the first few months and then left them to it. She takes herself there now.

The latest one I went to the first lesson to meet the teacher and after 15 minutes said I would leave them to it as that usually worked best.

The final one I sit in on every lesson as that is what DD wants at the moment and the teacher is totally happy with that dynamic. At some point I will find an excuse to go and do something else but we're not there yet.

If you find it disturbs the dynamic, why not suggest the parent makes themselves a cup of tea and sits in another room, or tell them that you find children are different when parent isn't present?

Maybe set ground rules in the future at the outset if you like things a certain way? It's hard to know what different teachers are comfortable with when you are a parent - I tend to suggest what I think works best but am happy to fit with the teacher's preference too.

I'd just drop the pupil.

If parents are concerned why not put a camera in the room and let them view it after the session. Not during as that’s very off putting.

I think it’s unreasonable parents being in the same room.
If they don’t trust you they shouldn’t be using you.

I've taught music to a lot of kids. One of the most valuable things about the lessons is that apart from learning the actual music/instrument/theory or whatever, it gives the child a 1-1 relationship with an adult in a way they don't usually get. The mum is depriving the child of this opportunity. I think I'd explain this to the mum and say that while she is perfectly welcome to be in the room (and to listen if she wants to) it's good for the kid if she appears to be reading or otherwise occupied, because it increases the child's confidence at interacting with the teacher on a more mature level.

Hopefully that compromise will reassure any DBS type fears she has, and enable an easier interaction between child and tutor.

Maybe she doesn’t know the etiquette, next time why don’t you say ‘Don’t feel like you have to stay, by all means pick him up in an hour. We’ll be done by then. Most parents of my students nip to the Tesco / Costa / local cafe (delete as appropriate) on the high street and have an hour of peace and quiet, ha ha!’ But if she says she’s happy to stay, then you’ll just have to accept it.

Yes you would.

I'm not saying there isn't always someone 'around/in the next room' but you can be alone in the classroom. Depends on the school setup. In an open plan type it happens

I was sexually groomed/abused by my tutor between ages 10-11.
A well "vetted" tutor - a retired teacher, family friend, good vibes ( lol! )

Some posters on here are infuriatingly naive or obtuse. I do hope that those of the opinion that 10 year olds don't need their mommy around are at least capable of choosing a female tutor - that goes quite some way in improving the odds in what is essentially a Russian roulette.

I'd be fine with leaving a Secondary aged child with a tutor (if female).
In an adjoining space before that.

It's pretty weird OP having her sitting right there at the table

I'd just cancel all future sessions and pretend I'm ill or fully booked or anything really to get rid of her.

She has red flag 🚩 written all over her that'll backfire in your face one way or another

I've tutored and I've had a tutor for my DC.

Always alone. I was in the house but not the room
When I tutored mum tended to be in the kitchen

Why on Earth would a child be anxious about a parent being there? Mine would definitely be more anxious about being left with a stranger. If you insisted on being alone with the child it would be a red flag for me that either you’re not a very good tutor or something more sinister. Couldn’t you just let the parent sit outside the room with door ajar? Or maybe you could set up a webcam so she’s not there but can watch the lesson? Depending on circumstances and age not everyone will want to be present with their child but if they do you need to accommodate or turn down the work

I'm really sorry that happened to you.

I agree - I know two people who were sexually abused by private tutors, one academic and one musical instrument lessons. This was in the 90s/early 2000s and I thought people were a bit more aware these days but I guess not.

I would never leave my child alone with a stranger in their house until they were older, and I'm generally not an over anxious parent. But this is a line for me.

Never used a tutor but my dc have music lessons. Music teacher insists on parent staying, dc are aged 9-15. There is another music teacher near us who has a sign on the front door saying that parents are not allowed to stay.

Aren’t tutors generally paid per hour rather than per pupil? So if you have music tuition and share it with another pupil for example it’s cheaper than one to one?

The issue is the parent's behaviour rather than her presence. Why don't you tell her that she is welcome to leave if she wants but if she stays she needs to sit in the corner away from the table, read a book, and not interfere in the lesson?

Not true. Instrumental teachers teach in this way most of the time: one to one, door closed (too noisy otherwise), no other adults hovering outside the room.

I understand about the dynamic, but I wouldn’t leave my child alone for an hour in a situation like this. Could you maybe go to their house? Then she’ll likely be pottering around instead.

Of course the mother doesn't sit in - how ridiculous! She doesn't sit in the classroom at school, does she? You open the door and she can sit in another room or, more normally, off she goes!

The other option is you go to her house, which makes more sense in my opinion, and she can then potter about while you tutor.

The child is nearly Year 6, for goodness sake!

I am a teacher and tutor, by the way, and have never had a parent sit in!! It's utterly bizarre. Don't put up with it a minute longer!

The other option is online tuition?

I'm really feeling sorry for this child who is watching for signals of approval or disapproval and has his mum breathing down his neck this way!
I assumed she was in the room but not involved, but that's seriously inhibiting, how is the child supposed to relax and take in the lesson of he's feeling under the microscope like that! Urgh making me feel claustrophobic just thinking about it!

Think you need to have a calm here's my professional advice kind of chat, where you explain really factually and professionally that his awareness of her observation and her signalling her expectations is creating self consciousness and split attention that is a hindrance to learning and that there are big benefits to him being focused only on one adult at a time and that if she intends to be at the lesson she needs to be inconspicuous and allow you to connect with his learning one to one... Or something.

Maybe she doesn't realise that she can go?
If you don't need the money then say.. Parents usually go after the first lesson or can you offer her somewhere else to sit?
If she reused then say you won't be able to continue.

I am very sorry about the acts of grooming and abuse perpetrated on PPs. Thatcis unspeakable.

However, @BungleandGeorge most DC work with tutors either to prepare for an entrance exam, a decision taken by their parents, or because they are having difficulty in a subject. They are exquisitely tuned to their parents’ sensitivities around both of these, no matter what the parents may say. Of course they can relax more easily if the parent is not in the room (if the tutor is any good). I suppose children with special needs may feel differently; I never worked with them.

When DC undertake enrichment tutoring because they are academically advanced you typically don’t have to relax them, but it is still easier to bond in relative privacy. IMO working in the child’s house with a parent in the background is optimal.

If you are a teacher, then I am highly alarmed for your safety, and if other teachers in your school are telling you that it is OK, then that is ringing all sorts of alarm bells.

No teacher or tutor should ever ever ever be alone in a room with a child - door needs to be open, and other adults need to be around.

If you were not taught that on your first day of teacher training then please do report your teacher training provider to ofsted.