I’m a tutor & a parent wants to sit in on every lesson

[BrightGreenMoonBuggy]

I’m a qualified teacher and I also offer private tuition. I’ve just taken on a new pupil (going into year 6 in September) and he recently came to my house for his first lesson. I invited his mum in and she sat in for the whole lesson. I had no problem with this as usually the first session involves some discussion and it’s fine for a parent to want to see how I teach. During this lesson, I showed her my up-to-date clear DBS certificate. She then booked a second lesson but instead of dropping her son at mine and picking him up at the end of the lesson, followed him in and sat in on the whole lesson again.

The thing is, I don’t want a parent sitting in on lessons every time. It changes the dynamic and I just want to be able to have an hour with the child. Instead, I have her just sitting there which is really off putting.

So, AIBU to ask her to drop her son off and not expect to sit in on every lesson? Or is it reasonable for her to expect to be able to observe everything since it’s a service she’s paying for? And if I’m not BU, how do I word the request without offending her?

YABU- the mum should be able to sit in on every lesson if she wants.
YANBU - the mum should drop her son off and leave me to it.

Why don't you just have a chat with her and diplomatically ask if her staying in the lesson is because she's needing anything that she feels is missing that you might be able to help her with. So come at it from the I'm a professional how can I help angle.
Give an example such as, 'you might be wanting to hear the methodology so you can support at home', or 'you might feel I need you to stay', reassure you don't see if you can wrap up any concerns she has and mention that for some children it is helpful if the parent goes because they sometimes feel more free to admit what they're struggling with.

It's difficult to know what the protocol is, as a parent. Not tutoring, but my DS has had multiple therapies since age 6 for ASD. He's fine on his own as his needs have never been behavioural.

One clinic where he had two different therapies, i was asked to go in. Eventually one therapist carefully broached me staying outside the room & I realised I wasn't helping by being in the room. I just didn't know what was best. Another therapist still, five years on, wants parents to go in.

I'd never drop my child at a stranger's house and leave, and he wouldn't have stayed happily without me at 6. I'd be happy to be out of sight, but within earshot.

Perhaps in future set out the options at the first session.

Maybe she thought that you wanted her to sit in,as she did at the first one? She's probably desperate to escape! 😂

I'm another one who is surprised that you don't require a parent/chaperone to stay.

Surely in the school you work in, you are not allowed to be alone with just one child?

I get people saying safeguarding issue but I’m a mental health practitioner and I see children as young as this one to one without the parent. I don’t have any other measures to say I’m ‘safe’ over and above what you have. I generally chat to the parent first and afterwards but the session is for the child. The parent being there changes the dynamic.

All the tutors I’ve used (they came to my house) have said parent has to be there. Had to email the tutoring company to confirm I was happy leaving DD alone with tutor once she reached 16 and I was dropping DS to a club.

Have you used a tutor? I’ve used loads of them over the years and not once have parents gone in. Mainly they sit on their car outside but never heard of them sitting on a lesson. They usually make it clear that it’s not the way they work to get the best out of the child

It’s very common with private music lessons. Particularly when the kids start when they’re very young.

I can see it’s odd for an academic subject, but in music it’s not abnormal.

Yes but 1 to 1 tutoring is 1 to 1 so normal school rules don't apply. You need an enhanced dbs and if they are in your house it's unlikely you'd do anything off! Maybe use a middle aged woman, when I had tutors they were female and my parents booked a female driving instructor. My sons tutor is female ex primary teacher, neighbour of school friends etc and her whole business, I think it very unlikely she has nefarious intentions. Plus so expensive she must be all over the maths, my kid was behind but fine now. Other one already strong but flying now. I got a star in my worst gcse by a tutor.

Maybe when they’re young with music but certainly by year 4 or so they don’t have parents with them. Even in primary my kids had one to one music and speech & drama lsssons in school. Not in someone’s house but in a private room often away from another area of the school

I would be really pissed off if I was expected to stay to be honest.

No I mean in methods when kids start very young the parent continues to sit in however long they/the kid wants. They generally take practice notes in the lesson.

I used to tutor, I wouldn't have wanted parents there in my home, little kids get so distracted by them and I feel under pressure it makes my teaching less natural. I wouldn't want to have them just hanging about in another room in my house either, but perhaps you could have a chair in a hallway like a waiting room sort of thing if they don't have a car mum might have nowhere to go especially in bad weather. I would also reassure the parent that there are no other adults at home (if so) .
If you're happy to go to their home (for more cash) then I think it's reasonable if the parent occasionally pops into the room or walks through but not hangs around.

But is the tutor alone with the child though? I have never known a tutor be alone with a child. Either in an open room where parents can see and hear them, or in a room with other tutors, or if 1:2:1 in a private room, the parent stays.

This protects the tutor as much as the child - more probably.

No tutor should be alone with a child

And this is why I know a 32 year old man who can't make a decision without mummy 's approval.

She might be a female....oh why do I bother...It's more likely statistically that your husband or your brother is a pedo than the tutor

with the door open and other staff around....

Do you have a parlour where parent could sit and nap, read a book etc whilst you're in an adjoining room?

Unsure why people put so much emphasis on DBS clearance.

DBS is simply a statement that there is no recorded evidence that a person has been caught doing something dodgy.

People with ‘clean’ DBS checks get found to be abusers every day of the year.

I have been a tutor for years. I usually have a meeting with a new tutee and parent for a chat before tutoring sessions start, then they are dropped off and come in alone. Parent will come in to collect at the end and we might have a chat. No parent has ever stayed for a lesson.

Is the mother perhaps reinforcing the stuff you teach afterwards? Perhaps she feels that the child doesn’t talk much and she will be out of the loop if she doesn’t sit in? I’m assuming it’s for some kind of exam that the mother wants to help with?

Maybe the mother doesn’t know the protocol and is under the impression that she is expected to stay.

Have you informed her that she is free to drop of and pick up at the end of the lesson?

I have had several tutors over the years. Once i stayed near the room for logistical reasons (I think it was too far or nowhere to go for the hour). It was a real eye opener and I could see how the tutor was struggling to engage dc. As a parent it is really hard to know what kid of progress your child is making. I can see why you wouldn’t want to be observed but at the same time you should have enough confidence in your skill etc not to be put off by it.
also some tutoring was done on zoom in lockdown and parents got used to being able to see what was going on

I've tutored for years (albeit secondary). I've never heard of a parent wanting to sit in on a lesson! There is no way I would let a parent sit in and watch me teach. It would entirely disrupt the dynamic. A child will not relax and be open to taking risks with their learning if they know their parent is there watching their every move.

I would have a polite word with the mother and say for the first lesson you understood that she wanted to be there to make sure everything was ok, but going forward you don't work with parents in the room. There may be a misunderstanding on her end in thinking she is supposed to be there. Or it may be that she doesn't have time to go home and come back again, in which case I'd offer for her to sit in the lounge and relax with a magazine and cup of tea. Though of course she may be an overzealous tiger mother, in which case you probably don't want the business!

There's a big difference between staying in the room you are teaching in, and staying around in a separate lounge or out in the car. I've done the latter, never the former.

I would also add for those interested that tutoring is an entirely unregulated industry and there are no requirements for tutors to have any specific qualifications or be DBS checked, and nor are there any safeguarding regulations.