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Original poster

Am I being petty not letting father come to 20 week scan?

240 replies

Bunny1987 · 22/07/2023 23:00

I have just left the father of my unborn child and wanted some advice on letting him come to the 20 week scan next week.

Since my pregnancy he has not really looked after me, I have felt pretty much alone.

I have had various visits to hospital with worrying bleeds and it was only last week I was finally diagnosed with cervical ectropion.

I find it really painful to walk due to the pressure on my pelvis and today we had agreed that he would give me a lift to do food shopping as I had no food in the house.

Next thing he is asking if I mind him going to a festival with his brother as he has not seen his brother for a month.

I has to walk in the rain and carry heavy bags of groceries.

The issue is not him going out with his brother, it’s the fact that he knows I am in pain when I walk and he just left knowing I had no food in the house.

I have told him he is not welcome to the scan and we are finished and I will just do my own thing and I will let him know when the baby is born .

This is not a one off issue as I am not that petty but I feel I would be better of alone and I dont feel it’s fair that he gets to come to a scan when I have been pretty much alone these last months.

Advice appreciated please x

OP posts:
Chiccaletta · 22/07/2023 23:07

Ordering your groceries online is the obvious solution to a guilt-tripping pity-walk in the rain alternative

Original poster
Bunny1987 · 22/07/2023 23:10

Chiccaletta · 22/07/2023 23:07

Ordering your groceries online is the obvious solution to a guilt-tripping pity-walk in the rain alternative

I would of done but he had specifically told me he would take me shopping today.

I wasn’t exactly going to starve until tomorrow.

OP posts:
Mummy08m · 22/07/2023 23:11

On your main point, absolutely no one needs to attend your scans except you. They are medical diagnostic procedures done on your body.

The biggest concession I'd make is probably sending him a scan photo afterwards, if you want to.

StSwithinsDay · 22/07/2023 23:12

You are going to be a lone parent. You may as well get used to the fact that your child will have a useless father.

VimFuego101 · 22/07/2023 23:13

Scans prior to birth are your medical appointments and nobody should be there unless you want them to be.

GabriellaMontez · 22/07/2023 23:15

It's a medical appointment.

It's not a day out. No one has any entitlement to be there.

You're welcome to take someone you feel is a support.

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/07/2023 23:16

He sounds very uncaring, particularly at a time when you need extra help. I don't think he can pick and choose what it is he does.

Chiccaletta · 22/07/2023 23:17

I basically mean you're not the first single pregnant woman whose ever had to do their shopping in the rain. Get used to it or shop online.

Banning him now is petty and setting a precedent for the future. If you ban him now you're basically calling it quits on any amicable co-parenting scenario.
Just suck it up and give him a chance to be a good dad. He might have been a shit partner, but doesn't necessarily mean he'll be a shit dad.

Original poster
Bunny1987 · 22/07/2023 23:18

He seems to think that the main reason for the scan was to find out the gender which is why he is so adamant he has to come.

He dosent understand or realise the scan is to check for abnormalities

I really would rather he was not there, im the one who has to go through everything alone with hardly any support.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bunny1987 · 22/07/2023 23:22

Chiccaletta · 22/07/2023 23:17

I basically mean you're not the first single pregnant woman whose ever had to do their shopping in the rain. Get used to it or shop online.

Banning him now is petty and setting a precedent for the future. If you ban him now you're basically calling it quits on any amicable co-parenting scenario.
Just suck it up and give him a chance to be a good dad. He might have been a shit partner, but doesn't necessarily mean he'll be a shit dad.

I understand what your saying but at this stage I would rather not see him as I find him to stressful to deal with.

All he moans about is not having sex even though I have explained to him the problem with my cervix.

I wont stop him seeing the baby and of course would be happy to co parent.

OP posts:
MissTrip82 · 22/07/2023 23:48

It’s your medical appointment and you can choose whether you wish to be accompanied or not. I think for me, in the interests of maintaining/creating an amicable relationship with this person you’re going to have to deal with for the rest of your life, I’d invite him (assuming you feel safe with him there).

Obviously you need to prepare to take care of everythjng becusee he’s clearly unreliable. The baby is going to have to rely on you to have systems in place to make sure there’s always food in the house etc. poor baby clearly can’t rely on dad.

TomatoSandwiches · 22/07/2023 23:52

He sounds stupid and selfish, any scan whilst pregnant is primarily your appointment, you don't have to allow anyone to attend if you don't want them to, they have no legal right.

Good luck.

Thislittlepiggy89 · 22/07/2023 23:53

While the baby is in your body and you are growing the baby he has zero rights to attend any medical appointments concerning your pregnancy. Having someone with you for appointments should only be there if they are going to provide support to you. It doesn't sound like this is the case with him.

You choosing to keep your medical appointments private from him should not impact the future access to said child once born. His access begins once child is born. Not while they are growing within you.

BodgerLovesMashedPotato · 22/07/2023 23:56

Chiccaletta · 22/07/2023 23:07

Ordering your groceries online is the obvious solution to a guilt-tripping pity-walk in the rain alternative

This, sorry I know it must feel shit that he just sodded off, but this would have been an alternative assuming you could afford the delivery fee of course?
Anyway, him taking you shopping or not should have nothing to do with him getting to see progress on his child.
Seems incredibly petty and nothing to do with his parenting ability, or care for his baby.

LittleOwl153 · 23/07/2023 00:01

Do YOU want to know the sex of the baby? If you're not bothered then I'd tell him you plan to tell the sonographer you don't want to know. That is your choice and will be respected. If you do want to know you can ask them to tell you alone.

Do you /did you live together? It's sounding like not - in which case you need to get sorted to go it alone anyway.

Original poster
Bunny1987 · 23/07/2023 00:05

BodgerLovesMashedPotato · 22/07/2023 23:56

This, sorry I know it must feel shit that he just sodded off, but this would have been an alternative assuming you could afford the delivery fee of course?
Anyway, him taking you shopping or not should have nothing to do with him getting to see progress on his child.
Seems incredibly petty and nothing to do with his parenting ability, or care for his baby.

Show quote history

It’s not just the shopping, he is just generally a selfish person.

There have been times I have
been in A and E and he has not answered his phone as he has been partying.

All the times I have had bleeds he patronises me and tells me bleeding is normal on pregnancy and dismisses my concerns.

I only just came out of hospital on Monday night so I would think he would at least honour what he promised me.

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 23/07/2023 00:06

Think I would've asked him to order me a taxi/über to replace the lift.

You've told him you don't want him there and I get that, but let him know the results of it asap afterwards, to show willing on the co-parenting. People are already jumping to the conclusion that he'll be a bad parent; I think it's counter-productive to assume that. Like a PP said, just because he wasn't a great partner doesn't mean he can't be a decent parent.

Original poster
Bunny1987 · 23/07/2023 00:12

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 23/07/2023 00:06

Think I would've asked him to order me a taxi/über to replace the lift.

You've told him you don't want him there and I get that, but let him know the results of it asap afterwards, to show willing on the co-parenting. People are already jumping to the conclusion that he'll be a bad parent; I think it's counter-productive to assume that. Like a PP said, just because he wasn't a great partner doesn't mean he can't be a decent parent.

Yeah I get what your saying and I agree.

I will tell text him the results after I have been for the scan.

In the letter from the NHS they have asked me to bring £6 if I want a copy of the scan.

So I guess if he wants his own copy it’s only fair to ask him to pay £6.

OP posts:
EachandEveryone · 23/07/2023 00:17

But you could just take a photo of it?

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 23/07/2023 00:18

Exactly. It's going to help you if you can stick up for yourself like that - ask him for stuff which is reasonable, especially as it sounds like he's unlikely to think of things himself.

SilverArch · 23/07/2023 00:19

He sounds awful. I can't imagine why you'd consider having sex with him even if your cervix was in tiptop shape. He sounds ignorant if he thinks bleeding during pregnancy is normal. I imagine he wants a boy - hope it's a girl because he is no kind of role model for a son. If a man can't even drive his pregnant bleeding girlfriend to buy food, I can confidently tell you he isn't good father material and he'll be nowhere to be found for night feeds and nappy changing. I wouldn't be taking him to the scan.

Swansandcustard · 23/07/2023 00:25

Out of interest, how long have you been together? I’m afraid it all sounds a bit Tit-4-tat at the moment. Regardless of him being focused on finding out the flavour, would it not be good to have some support, just in case of bad news.

The shopping, come on, just order online. Hungry tonight? Delivery? Scan pic? Just take a pic and send it like you will to your friends and family.

Time to grow up a bit, both of you.

JudgeRudy · 23/07/2023 01:14

I guess ultimately its down to you (the hospital will agree) but it's his child too, whether or not he's good to you or not. Just consider him a free lift.

Original poster
Bunny1987 · 23/07/2023 02:03

Thanks guys, I appreciate all the advice and comments.

Yeah it probably is a bit Tit 4 Tat, his insensitivity just annoys me so much.

If there was bad news I dont think I would want him with me as he generally isn’t a supportive person.

I.e telling me bleeding is normal in pregnancy and brushing of my concerns.

I mean it was only until recently he genuinely thought the whole point of the 20 week scan was to find out the gender.

We have been together 5 years.

OP posts:
FFSwhatisthis · 23/07/2023 02:07

You've been together 5 years, so you know what he's like. Why did you decide to have his baby?

why are you still having sex with him?

don't put him in the birth certificate & give the baby your surname.