Am I being petty not letting father come to 20 week scan?

[Bunny1987]

I have just left the father of my unborn child and wanted some advice on letting him come to the 20 week scan next week.

Since my pregnancy he has not really looked after me, I have felt pretty much alone.

I have had various visits to hospital with worrying bleeds and it was only last week I was finally diagnosed with cervical ectropion.

I find it really painful to walk due to the pressure on my pelvis and today we had agreed that he would give me a lift to do food shopping as I had no food in the house.

Next thing he is asking if I mind him going to a festival with his brother as he has not seen his brother for a month.

I has to walk in the rain and carry heavy bags of groceries.

The issue is not him going out with his brother, it’s the fact that he knows I am in pain when I walk and he just left knowing I had no food in the house.

I have told him he is not welcome to the scan and we are finished and I will just do my own thing and I will let him know when the baby is born .

This is not a one off issue as I am not that petty but I feel I would be better of alone and I dont feel it’s fair that he gets to come to a scan when I have been pretty much alone these last months.

Advice appreciated please x

Exactly.

I'm not necessarily saying don't put him on there, but the decision should be made with a full understanding of what it entails.

Why go through the struggles of DNA testing to get child maintaince and to prove he is the father when all you can do is have him on the birth certificate, he is a father that is present and from what I read wants to be in the baby's life. Don't get what's "odd" about that?

Sigh. You've clearly never been in a similar situation. Why should op put him on the BC when she's not sure he's a serious parent?

So she'd have to be so constrained by him for 18 years. No.

He can still be an active father without being on there. He can still apply for PR if he wants. You can still claim CSA without his name on the BC.

Your scan appointments are your medical appointments. Take someone who helps you feel safe, not the man who cares so little for his pregnant partner that he dumps her to carry heavy bags alone.

Give the baby your name. Your partner isn’t going to magically step up just because the baby has his name. You need to look long term at what’s most suitable for you and the child you’re bringing up alone.

Don’t add the father to the birth certificate- this would give him equal parental responsibility. In other words , he could contribute absolutely nothing to your child’s welfare, yet still have equal say in every single parenting decision. As you’re not married, he can’t be on the BC unless he accompanies you to register the birth.

Sigh, yes I have infact my situation was worse, I don't have time to go back and forth with anyone do not quote me again.. I'm done

And don’t bother discussing maintenance with him. Go through CMS from the outset.

Have you been through family court?!

I don't know that he was demanding sex, just moaning that he wasn't getting any. They're not a couple now so that's no longer a factor. Tbh he doesn't sound boyfriend material at all but OP has expressed a wish to co-parent. I'd include the scan as part of the bonding process, but as I said it's down to her. He's not entitled to come to her appointment but I'd consider it....especially if he was going to give me a lift.

Maybe. But all that would require time, effort and money. So far he isn't showing that he's interested in providing much time or effort in supporting the woman who is pregnant with his child, so it's unlikely he'll want to expend any of those on pursuing getting his name on the certificate. He might, of course, but that's not something the OP should worry about right now.

That is mumsnet for you

Unless he has a change of personality and suddenly becomes a kind caring person who supports you, don't have him as your birth partner - have a good friend or family member. I had family and a friend and then I messaged dad to come and meet him as soon as I felt ready (for me it was the next day as I was on an oxytocin high, days 4-10 I was rough and got mastisis and had no time to wash so glad I got it out the way early rather than having him pressuring me then!)

No, not this.

He has not been and is not being supportive during OP's tricky pregnancy with his child. He doesn't just get to show up for what he perceives to be the photo op moments (20 week scan/gender reveal/pics) and birth (pics) and in the interim bitch about the lack of sex in spite of the bleeding, pain and medical problems due to the pregnancy the OP is experiencing and not do promised food shops so the OP and the baby get enough food.

He's not an active partner now. He's not an active anticipatory parent now. This is 100% on him, not the OP. And him being banned from the 20 week scan is because of his behaviour up until this point, not the OP's. Again, 100% on him.

@Katypp it's not the same example, because scans are for a pregnant woman who needs to be treated every well and kept calm and stress free. If having him there would upset her then she shouldn't do it. If not having him there would upset her then he should go. This is about the pregnant persons well-being - for once in our lives at least women should be allowed to put ourselves first when pregnant and post Partum ahead of a boyfriend or ex boyfriends feelings

@NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach agree to all you say

Everyone else needs to think about the pressure and stress you are piling onto a vulnerable woman

Also, she hasn't left him because she just thinks they're incompatible or she doesn't fancy him. He's been treating her terribly! To leave someone when pregnant he must be very very bad for her well-being to be around!

I don't think it's tit for tat I think op is giving us examples of how selfish he is to explain why she feels stressed him being there. You don't have to justify to us or him or anyone op you call all the shots here please just focus on your well-being. He sure as hell isn't.

She probably wasnt dependent on him or in this vulnerable position before so the selfishness didn't impact or upset her so much

Agree

Yes you probably are being petty but who says you are not allowed to be petty?
Bear in mind the father will have equal rights so he will be allowed to take baby (after BF phase is over) wherever he wants on his days with them.

I wouldn't want him there. I think you need to start concentrating on you and the baby now OP. Ask him for nothing, let him get in touch with you. If he wants to be on the birth certificate he can go to court. Do not give baby his last name if you are not together. Grey rock any nonsense. Look after yourself. He doesn't give a shit.

He will only have equal rights if she puts him
On the birth certificate or he goes to court to get on it, doenst sound like he'll bother tbh and also doesn't sound like the type that will want to do long days of caring with nappy changes and over nights being woken up etc he will probably want quick visits and photo ops

This

If OP is claiming CMS which is the child's right then father will likely have visitation

So many people trying to work with babies at home now. I understand it, financially, it does cost a lot of money for childcare. But unless it’s your own business, it’s not fair to your employer or colleagues and it’s not right for a baby to have its mum trying to juggle work and caring for a newborn. That would be horrific. Our work doesn’t allow anyone to work at home with a child under 4.

OP stay away from this selfish idiot. Tell him you’ll send him a text afterwards. He has no right to attend, and given he can’t even give you a lift to the shops stuff him. You don’t need to give his surname to get maintenance no. I personally wouldn’t discuss maintenance yet, not until baby is born

@MeinKraft many, many times.