Am I being petty not letting father come to 20 week scan?

[Bunny1987]

I have just left the father of my unborn child and wanted some advice on letting him come to the 20 week scan next week.

Since my pregnancy he has not really looked after me, I have felt pretty much alone.

I have had various visits to hospital with worrying bleeds and it was only last week I was finally diagnosed with cervical ectropion.

I find it really painful to walk due to the pressure on my pelvis and today we had agreed that he would give me a lift to do food shopping as I had no food in the house.

Next thing he is asking if I mind him going to a festival with his brother as he has not seen his brother for a month.

I has to walk in the rain and carry heavy bags of groceries.

The issue is not him going out with his brother, it’s the fact that he knows I am in pain when I walk and he just left knowing I had no food in the house.

I have told him he is not welcome to the scan and we are finished and I will just do my own thing and I will let him know when the baby is born .

This is not a one off issue as I am not that petty but I feel I would be better of alone and I dont feel it’s fair that he gets to come to a scan when I have been pretty much alone these last months.

Advice appreciated please x

Specifically yes, but why hone in on this rather than get partner’s all round crapness?

Yes fine to exclude him OP, this one isn’t going to work, so focus on building your future the way you want.

If he's not on the birth certificate, does that make it more difficult for op to claim he's the father for child maintenance purposes?

He sounds absolutely crap and not nice.

I would split up with him but try to keep it as amicable as possible for your child's sake. Easier said than done though if he is a twat.

What the fuck are you talking about?! It’s a scan, she’s not isolating him from the baby, she’s attending a medical appointment!!

@electriclight he can deny he's the father and it would be down to a dna test. I'm not sure if the cost would be covered by parents or not though.

OK. So how would a thread about a partner who did not want to go to a scan go down then?
The poster would probably be told he's not interested, ditch him OP, if he doesn't want to see his baby he's going to be a crap dad etc etc
Yet suddenly when it fits the narrative, the scan is a medical procedure which dad need not attend.
OK

Well you fucked your own example there because you talked about a partner, but in this case, it’s her ex, isn’t it? If an ex didn’t want to attend, she’d be told she can’t make him and to get on with things on her own.

Adamant the baby will have his surname? That's a privilege reserved for fathers who are married to their children's mother. Unmarried, it will be your choice and only yours and if he doesn't like it his only recourse is to apply for a court order. And the court would likely order a double barrel if he got that far, but based on what you've said, he won't will he?

Yeah. Kind of baffling that anyone would choose this guy to sire her offspring.

Why does he even know about the scan appointment to begin with?

What do you do for a job? I wfh a lot and there is no way in hell I’d get a productive day whilst caring for my 3&6yo DC, you are really deluded if you think you can balance a newborn and work.

I think you sound young and very naive and this entire decision to prevent him going to a scan is to punish him for not giving you a lift. If you’re going it alone you need to suck it up and not rely on people, you cannot expect to have a good co parenting structure when you’re already using your unborn baby as a weapon.

If you don't want him at the scan because he is unsupportive and you will feel uncomfortable then that's fair enough. You should take someone else.

If you don't want him at the scan because he didn't take you shopping, you feel angry and what to pinish him. Then that's petty and entirely different.

Ultimately, you don't have to have him there either way, it's a medical appointment, but personally I wouldn't do it out of spite.

Your not married. He cant name the baby without you. You name the baby. He needs to be present to be named as the father when you register the birth. I'm married and wish I'd insisted my kids had my surname somewhere like double barrelled. I didn't fight for it at the time but I wish I had because my heritage matters.

i think moving forward it's best to only communicate about the baby. Take all the emotions out of your communication and keep them factual. It's also best to communicate via text or email, rather than orally, so you have a record and evidence of the communication.

I hate all this stupid, don't put him in the birth certificate business.
This isn't about you, it's bout your baby and they deserve their father on there.

This is a first child for us both so pretty much clueless about most things.

And yet, you are using him thinking that a 20 weeks scan is a sex scan - how is he supposed to know differently if it's his first?

This whole thing is very strange. Did you break up with him before or after he asked you if it was ok to do something other than take you shopping? What did you say when he asked?
Did you live together?

You’re not going to be able to WFH whilst caring for a baby/toddler.

Exactly

Only if the mother changes her name. DH and I had been married many years when DD came along. She has my name and his as a middle name.

If he asks why you say that the main purpose of the scam is to check for abnormalities and if you get any difficulty news in that appointment he is the last person you need be there as he has given you zero support for the difficulties you've experienced so far.

Dont say this OP!

You'd be playing into his hands - the minute he hears the word abnormality, that would be it, you wouldn't see him for dust. He's clearly incapable of any critical thinking skills, give him as little information as possible, he sounds like an absolute knuckle-head. The least said the least damage.

be civilised, but don't get him involved in anything. He doesn't need to know about any appointments, it just gives more opportunity for disappointment when he lets you down, as he will, as predictably as night follows day The next thing he needs to know is the claim you'll be putting on him for his child's monthly maintenance - everything else is irrelevant before then.

Tbh it's not a big deal if he doesn't go to the scan, but if you are the one that is stopping him then you need to realise this isn't about you it's about the baby if he physically or mentally abuses you then I could understand or lives in a different country /distant.

No, I mean when married the mother isn't the one with the absolute right to choose the name the baby is registered with, as she is when unmarried. If the couple are married, either parent can register the baby without the other being there and both parents names could still be listed. Makes no odds whether either of them have namechanged. Whereas unmarried dads simply aren't in any position to insist, because there's no legal basis for it.

Even though he is demanding sex, whilst she's 37 weeks pregnant, in pain and bleeding? Nah, that is abusive.
She has no obligation whatsoever to take this man to her scan.

Don't give the baby his name. He can't insist that you do.

She isn't 37 weeks pregnant I thought her pp stated she had a 20 weeks scan next week?

I mean I agree up to a point but it won't really benefit the baby if the father is a grade A prick who uses his parental responsibility to block the mother moving away/choosing a good school etc etc to give the kid a better life, just out of spite. It's basically handing over quite a lot of control of you and your child's life for 18 years.

Yes, exactly.

The assumption that it's definitely going to be in the child's interests for the father to be listed on the BC and thus acquire PR needs to be critically examined here. That process is what the baby deserves.

Ahh Sorry.

Demanding sex at 20 weeks whilst in pain and bleeding, changes absolutely nothing though.

He is abusive.