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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being petty not letting father come to 20 week scan?

240 replies

Bunny1987 · 22/07/2023 23:00

I have just left the father of my unborn child and wanted some advice on letting him come to the 20 week scan next week.

Since my pregnancy he has not really looked after me, I have felt pretty much alone.

I have had various visits to hospital with worrying bleeds and it was only last week I was finally diagnosed with cervical ectropion.

I find it really painful to walk due to the pressure on my pelvis and today we had agreed that he would give me a lift to do food shopping as I had no food in the house.

Next thing he is asking if I mind him going to a festival with his brother as he has not seen his brother for a month.

I has to walk in the rain and carry heavy bags of groceries.

The issue is not him going out with his brother, it’s the fact that he knows I am in pain when I walk and he just left knowing I had no food in the house.

I have told him he is not welcome to the scan and we are finished and I will just do my own thing and I will let him know when the baby is born .

This is not a one off issue as I am not that petty but I feel I would be better of alone and I dont feel it’s fair that he gets to come to a scan when I have been pretty much alone these last months.

Advice appreciated please x

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 23/07/2023 02:14

It’s your scan you don’t have to take anyone with you. Or maybe take a family member?
the food thing could have easily been sorted but he sounds generally selfish. Well done for realising this and getting rid, many hang on a bit longer in the hopes they’ll change (they don’t)

Original poster
Bunny1987 · 23/07/2023 02:27

FFSwhatisthis · 23/07/2023 02:07

You've been together 5 years, so you know what he's like. Why did you decide to have his baby?

why are you still having sex with him?

don't put him in the birth certificate & give the baby your surname.

We both really wanted a child and naively I assumed he would change.

Im not having sex with him, he was just moaning about not having any TLC since I got pregnant, this was after I had come back from the hospital and being diagnosed with cervical ectropion.

He is adamant the baby will have his surname, like bullying me.

Can I still claim child support if his name
is not on the birth certificate?

Sorry if I sound dumb, this his my first pregnancy and I have no experience in anything like this.

OP posts:
aloris · 23/07/2023 02:57

I found the scan quite intimate, I wouldn't want to be there with someone who was so openly dismissive of my needs as the person whose body was being observed. That stuff about him just being upset he wasn't getting sex, telling you it's normal to bleed when pregnant (how would he know? he's just making up things to be arrogant, like he knows more than you about pregnancy), being insensitive abot your medical problems, I think it would be quite awful to have to be around that during your scan. It's ok to focus on your own interests here, you are the one who is pregnant.

FFSwhatisthis · 23/07/2023 03:17

Bunny1987 · 23/07/2023 02:27

We both really wanted a child and naively I assumed he would change.

Im not having sex with him, he was just moaning about not having any TLC since I got pregnant, this was after I had come back from the hospital and being diagnosed with cervical ectropion.

He is adamant the baby will have his surname, like bullying me.

Can I still claim child support if his name
is not on the birth certificate?

Sorry if I sound dumb, this his my first pregnancy and I have no experience in anything like this.

Show quote history

@Bunny1987

He can be as adamant as he likes, you can register the baby without him, don't tell him when you make the appointment.

Yes, he's bullying you on a number of things!!

Sorry, it's late, but remind me, do/did you live together?

i presume that's your birth year in you user name?

you're not a kid. You're going to have to woman up. I know he's a huge disappointment, but you're an adult, surely with the food you could have 'deliveroo'd' shopping, taken a taxi whatever?

you can now set up grocery delivery service. I use Tesco, I find them really good and the veg is good.

As far as I'm aware you can claim even if he's not on the BC but if he denies being the father there will be a DNA test, but do check this out.

Dont let him bully you by saying stuff that's not true. Check everything out.

you need him out of your life so you can build a better life for you & your baby.

Does he think he's living at your place? If he does, text him tomorrow to say he'd better go back to his brothers because he's no longer living at yours. If it's jointly owned or his then ask him to stay at his brothers while you get somewhere sorted.

get some sleep x

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 23/07/2023 03:47

I mean he doesn’t NEED to attend scans. But then he doesn’t NEED to take you shopping when you’re broken up. Don’t push him away from things involving the baby and then complain when he doesn’t want to get involved in future though.

SheSaidHummingbird · 23/07/2023 04:27

Bunny1987 · 23/07/2023 02:27

We both really wanted a child and naively I assumed he would change.

Im not having sex with him, he was just moaning about not having any TLC since I got pregnant, this was after I had come back from the hospital and being diagnosed with cervical ectropion.

He is adamant the baby will have his surname, like bullying me.

Can I still claim child support if his name
is not on the birth certificate?

Sorry if I sound dumb, this his my first pregnancy and I have no experience in anything like this.

Show quote history

@Bunny1987 You became pregnant, ergo, you were sleeping with him, despite knowing him well.

SunRainStorm · 23/07/2023 04:57

Why would you have sex with someone you are no longer with? I don't understand why he would moan to you about a lack of sex.

Absolutely do not give his surname to the baby. You're a single mother, give the baby your name and don't have any further discussion about it.

I wouldn't bring him to the scan in your shoes. You're clearly going to be doing this alone, so operate on that basis. Send him a photo but stop looking to him for any emotional support. It's an empty well - stop setting yourself up for disappointment.

And register for child support as soon as the baby arrives.

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 23/07/2023 05:04

It all sounds incredibly petty and immature. You both need to grow up or there is no chance of you happily coparenting and doing right by this poor baby. If you want him to support you and he is wanting to be a parent put him on the bc as it will make life easier. Do not omit him just to be spiteful petty especially if you expect to claim money off him. This is not about the pair of you it is about what is best for the baby! Grow up both of you.

SunRainStorm · 23/07/2023 06:14

You can put his name on the birth certificate, but give the baby your surname.

He's the father whether you like it or not.

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 23/07/2023 06:34

Yanbu only if you actually believe you are finished and no longer in a relationship. Wildly YABU if you are just punishing him.

WandaWonder · 23/07/2023 06:45

You are going to have stand on your own 2 feet and do things for yourself and the baby you decided to have, and think carefully before doing this again with the next bloke

And seek legal advice

Newshoess · 23/07/2023 06:48

Biggest advice is start as you mean to go on. Keep it professional, order your food shop online.

Speak about important things. Has he bought things for the baby? How much will he pat each month once the baby is here? Will you be going back to work?

PuttingDownRoots · 23/07/2023 06:51

You don't have to take him to any appointments. Including birth... find a birthing partner that will support you.

Birth certificate... he has to attend the appointment if he wants to be on it.

Maintenance... well if he wants to be an arse he could dispute it but DNA will prove it!

PimpMyFridge · 23/07/2023 06:59

Don't take him to the scan op.
If he asks why you say that the main purpose of the scam is to check for abnormalities and if you get any difficulty news in that appointment he is the last person you need be there as he has given you zero support for the difficulties you've experienced so far.
Many hospitals won't tell you the sex anyway as they sometimes get sued if it's wrong as it can be.
He is being very selfish op
Not taking him is not about spite is about you being well supported, take someone who cares.

People scoffing at your shopping example are missing the point. Of course that was a heartless thing to do for all the reasons you said.

FFSwhatisthis · 23/07/2023 07:01

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 23/07/2023 05:04

It all sounds incredibly petty and immature. You both need to grow up or there is no chance of you happily coparenting and doing right by this poor baby. If you want him to support you and he is wanting to be a parent put him on the bc as it will make life easier. Do not omit him just to be spiteful petty especially if you expect to claim money off him. This is not about the pair of you it is about what is best for the baby! Grow up both of you.

@Whowhatwherewhenwhy1

it's not petty. Why make your life as a single parent much more complicated by giving him parental rights ?? That's utter madness!! There's just no need to give him 50% say in where the child lives, goes to school etc etc etc

How on Earth do you think giving him 50% say is going to make HER life easier?!?!

Strugglingtodomybest · 23/07/2023 07:02

I really would rather he was not there

Then don't let him come. It's entirely up to you thankfully.

Well done for recognising that he's a crap partner, rather than limping on in a crap relationship for years and possibly having more children with him, and I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well.

Badbudgeter · 23/07/2023 07:03

VimFuego101 · 22/07/2023 23:13

Scans prior to birth are your medical appointments and nobody should be there unless you want them to be.

This the rest of it doesn’t really matter. I went for a scan inCanada once partners aren’t allowed as it’s a medical procedure. They get to come in for five minutes at the end if all is well.

Simpledimples · 23/07/2023 07:03

If you are not married he has to attend the registration of the birth to have his name on the certificate. You are the child's mother so automatically have parental responsibility, he only has it by being on the birth certificate.
If you want the child to have your surname, 100% give them your name. Why should you be a lone parent and do the heavy lifting and let your child have the name of some feckless loser? It's too important to not do what you want for your child.
Good luck with the pregnancy and birth x

FFSwhatisthis · 23/07/2023 07:04

SunRainStorm · 23/07/2023 06:14

You can put his name on the birth certificate, but give the baby your surname.

He's the father whether you like it or not.

@SunRainStorm

please read my previous post.

yes, he's the father, but putting this tosser on the bc is only going to make her life much more complicated. He won't be doing 50% of the parenting, why give him 50% parental say? That's utter madness.

FFSwhatisthis · 23/07/2023 07:06

WandaWonder · 23/07/2023 06:45

You are going to have stand on your own 2 feet and do things for yourself and the baby you decided to have, and think carefully before doing this again with the next bloke

And seek legal advice

@WandaWonder

yep a good preach always helps 🙄

what does she need legal advice for?

Heyhoherewegoagain · 23/07/2023 07:11

Bunny1987 · 23/07/2023 02:27

We both really wanted a child and naively I assumed he would change.

Im not having sex with him, he was just moaning about not having any TLC since I got pregnant, this was after I had come back from the hospital and being diagnosed with cervical ectropion.

He is adamant the baby will have his surname, like bullying me.

Can I still claim child support if his name
is not on the birth certificate?

Sorry if I sound dumb, this his my first pregnancy and I have no experience in anything like this.

Show quote history

He can be as adamant as he likes, but unless you take him with you to register the birth, he has no say whatsoever, so don’t take him with you…and the child’s name has no bearing on child support

(I’ll be the wanker who says it’s sex not gender. Sex is biology, gender is a social construct)

Katypp · 23/07/2023 07:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Stravaig · 23/07/2023 07:13

We really need to licence for parenthood.

EsmeSusanOgg · 23/07/2023 07:14

@Bunny1987

Yes, you can still claim child support if the baby has your surname not his. If you are not married, he cannot register the baby without you. Also, just a heads up getting an appointment at a registry office can take 3-4 weeks.

Once you have registered your baby, you can apply for Child Benefit (in your name). This will ensure you get some money but also national insurance contributions.

You are not obliged to have him attend scans, or be with you in the hospital. Do you have other options for a birthing partner?

I would update your doctor/ midwife to say that you have broken up with the father and that he is not to be given any of your medical info. Make sure they have a different emergency contact down for you.

EsmeSusanOgg · 23/07/2023 07:16

Oh what nonsense @Katypp - OP is distancing herself from a feckless and useless partner who puts going out drinking and partying above her health and the health of their unborn child. He has already shown himself to be self-centred and useless.

And she has not distanced him from the baby and parenthood, he is perfectly capable of stepping up and being a good dad. That doesn't mean he gets to boss around OP or demand to be involved in medical procedures that involve her.