Am I being petty not letting father come to 20 week scan?

[Bunny1987]

I have just left the father of my unborn child and wanted some advice on letting him come to the 20 week scan next week.

Since my pregnancy he has not really looked after me, I have felt pretty much alone.

I have had various visits to hospital with worrying bleeds and it was only last week I was finally diagnosed with cervical ectropion.

I find it really painful to walk due to the pressure on my pelvis and today we had agreed that he would give me a lift to do food shopping as I had no food in the house.

Next thing he is asking if I mind him going to a festival with his brother as he has not seen his brother for a month.

I has to walk in the rain and carry heavy bags of groceries.

The issue is not him going out with his brother, it’s the fact that he knows I am in pain when I walk and he just left knowing I had no food in the house.

I have told him he is not welcome to the scan and we are finished and I will just do my own thing and I will let him know when the baby is born .

This is not a one off issue as I am not that petty but I feel I would be better of alone and I dont feel it’s fair that he gets to come to a scan when I have been pretty much alone these last months.

Advice appreciated please x

We both really wanted a child and naively I assumed he would change.

More people, especially women, need to stop assuming men will change for them.. They won't. And bringing a child into an already bad situation will just make things worse in most cases, not bettr.

Im not having sex with him, he was just moaning about not having any TLC since I got pregnant, this was after I had come back from the hospital and being diagnosed with cervical ectropion.

Again, men don't change. And here you are, stuck with this one in your life at some level for the next 18 years. At least don't have him in the house anymore. End the relationship and file for child support as soon as the baby is born.

He is adamant the baby will have his surname, like bullying me.

Nope. You're not married. You can insist the baby has your surname. Talk to your local midwife/care team about being pressured about the baby, the baby's name, etc. They will help you.

Can I still claim child support if his name
is not on the birth certificate?

Yes, the baby is his whether he's on the birth certificate or not. You may have to do a DNA test, though, so start looking into that if you're going to try to go that route.

Sorry if I sound dumb, this his my first pregnancy and I have no experience in anything like this.

Now that you have experience with pregnancy and what you need in a partner, please pick better next time. Not just for your sake, but for the sake of your child(ren).

Hi OP,
First of all congratulations on knowing your worth and being brave. Please ignore any pp saying why didn't you get pregnant with a man like this. I did too. The selfishness only rears it's head during pregnancy and it hurts so much more as you're so vulnerable and have many more needs. My ex behaved like this too I wasn't brave enough to leave but he walked out on me just before my 34 week scan when I was diagnosed with gestational diebetes- I remember that very pregnancy waddle around the shops in the cold and rain to get diabetes friendly food oh so well!

Answers to your questions

• don't invite him to scans. Only send him pics if you want to. That he's only excited about the gender shoes how much he cares about you- you don't have to find our yourself or tell him anything until baby is born.

• don't engage either any conversation about what is fair or kind to him- he doesn't care about your feelings clearly - just re state your decision then grey rock.

• get a new support system of family and friends for help with furniture lifts etc.

• tell your friends and family you left as he was being very unkind to you despite lots of chances and discussions it just got worse. What lies he tells his people are not

Your concern.

• tell your midwife so you get more support.

• don't put him on birth cert yet as he can use this parental responsibility to control where you live where you holiday. IF he's a decent

Coparent you can add him onto it easily later but you can't add him on. Just go and register without him.

• of course give baby your surname (I did) you're the one bringing it up.

• the name and birth certificate have nothing to do with the child maintenance service (in the Uk- America is different) you apply to them and if he claims not to be father he has to prove it with a dna test that he has to pay for.

• you set the rules about when and how often he visits newborn. 1-2 times a week is more than enough. I've just started letting him take baby out on his own for 2 ish hours now at 5 months because I spent

That time helping them get to know each other.

Ask me any more questions you like about coparenting.

@MeinKraft a father had rights too though. Why shouldn't he get a say if she wants to move away?
If he isn't involved or a rubbish father, the courts won't back him anyway.

The scan literally is about her. It's her health and internal organs and her medical appointment that she deserves to do stress free - she has the right to a SUPPORT person

He will just go to court, get his name on the birth certificate and have parental rights and there is nothing the OP can do about it.

*Demanding sex at 20 weeks whilst in pain and bleeding, changes absolutely nothing though.

He is abusive.*

He was moaning about not having sex. Not demanding it. We don't even know the extent of the moan. Abusive is a bit much.

He can have his say but he shouldn't be in a position to maliciously block her

He might. That mechanism exists. No reason to presume he's going to get his shit together sufficiently to engage in it though. So the point about not giving it to him remains.

But he's a dad who wants to go to his kid's medical appointment. Granted the kid is still inside its mother but the 20 week scan appointment is a pretty major one for the baby. If he's banned for this one that he wants to attend, then yes it does set a precedent for all post birth scenarios. And she cant moan about him not being an active parent if she's blocking him from the start.

They're in eachothers lives forever now so need to learn to be amicable and let the little petty stuff go.

Ps I meant you CAN easily add him onto birth cert later if you want.

If my ex is a decent dad I will do it later when my child is a teen so that he has a document with both parents names. But I'm not doing it right now when the erratic man might try to take him away from me if it suits him and go and live in Spain or something weird like that, I wouldn't put it past him

The baby still deserves to know who their father is, the father is still present in the OP life although he is being a dickhead towards her in regards to her not wanting to have sex. I personally don't see it as a reason for him not be on the birth certificate, but I do think she made the the right decision by separating from him

@Chiccaletta no she does not need to let this horrid man go to her medical appointments

She needs to stay calm and de stress and stop putting his feelings above her own.

A baby needs a happy calm mother

I used to agree with you until I spent a lot of time reading threads from women, who put their bullying exes on the bc. This is absolutely about the child.

This

This is such an odd argument. You don't need a birth certificate to know who your father is, and a man being listed on the birth certificate doesn't necessarily mean he's the father in any case.

Birth certificates don't function as a reliable and sole record of paternity. That's just not what they do.

As another poster commented, if he objects to paying and isn’t on the BC, op would need a court ordered DNA test. It would be backdated to the date of claim once paternity is confirmed. If he doesn’t want to pay without this, all that would prove is that op was right to put him on.

He wants to know the sex. Doesn’t care about op’s health or the health of the baby, preferring to party than keeping them safe.

Why go through the struggles of DNA testing to get child maintaince and to prove he is the father when all you can do is have him on the birth certificate, he is a father that is present and from what I read wants to be in the baby's life. Don't get what's "odd" about that?

For starters, doing it that way wouldn't confer parental responsibility.

But what's odd is the idea that the father should be listed so the child knows who they are. Because that's not what a birth certificate does.

@Usernameunknownfornow

It's no struggle for op to do the dna test. He would need to do one himself if the CMA asks him to pay child maintenance and he'd need to pay for it and the pay would be back dated to when she filed the claim. Please don't give a pregnant woman false info and stress her out more she's been through a lot.

OP you don't have to make the decision about BC now, some PP seem very certain your child has some kind of right to have their father listed - whilst I get that, it will mean nothing to him when he is a baby or young child so I strongly advise that when it's the first 6 weeks and you are forced by law to register the birth at that stage you don't put him on (you can't unless he's physically present too). Once your child is older IF he's a good dad and not messing up your life at all then you can very easily just take the dad back and add him on, that's the advice I got when registering sons birth. Lots of happy unmarried couples might need to do that, eg if dad was away in the army and couldn't physically sign it etc.

my ex told me I had broken his mothers heart by not putting him on (emotional blackmail) and I told him it makes no difference to her life in any shape or form but if she has any specific worries please tell her to ask me about them (she didn't mention it ever) and also that his name can easily be added on later but it's not something I feel safe or comfortable doing right now. He told me he didn't have to pay maintenance (untrue) but I should appreciate he still is. We haven't mentioned it since as I am giving him regular contact with no hard work or responsibility so he's probably pretty happy with the situation he can play dad a couple of times a week but still party and play video games all evening and get good night sleep. They'd probably get on well our exes 🫣

So being listed on the BC does NOT imply the op will get money- she'd still need to take the claim
To cma.

There is literally no benefit for her or her baby (until
He's old enough to perhaps want his father there for emotional reasons) for the father to be listed right now and plenty of risk

Yes it does give you shared responsibility being on the birth certificate. I know from experience, I don't have the energy to waste going back and forth with you anymore, have a good day.

Next thing he will be asking to chop the cord when you give birth, or answering questions the GP addresses to you.

I wouldn't want him at my scan, and I'd set up online food shopping. Tesco does a 'deliver in 20 mins' moped service.