Am I being petty not letting father come to 20 week scan?

[Bunny1987]

I have just left the father of my unborn child and wanted some advice on letting him come to the 20 week scan next week.

Since my pregnancy he has not really looked after me, I have felt pretty much alone.

I have had various visits to hospital with worrying bleeds and it was only last week I was finally diagnosed with cervical ectropion.

I find it really painful to walk due to the pressure on my pelvis and today we had agreed that he would give me a lift to do food shopping as I had no food in the house.

Next thing he is asking if I mind him going to a festival with his brother as he has not seen his brother for a month.

I has to walk in the rain and carry heavy bags of groceries.

The issue is not him going out with his brother, it’s the fact that he knows I am in pain when I walk and he just left knowing I had no food in the house.

I have told him he is not welcome to the scan and we are finished and I will just do my own thing and I will let him know when the baby is born .

This is not a one off issue as I am not that petty but I feel I would be better of alone and I dont feel it’s fair that he gets to come to a scan when I have been pretty much alone these last months.

Advice appreciated please x

This man baby isn't going to turn around his life and be a decent father to this child. What planet are people on? He left his partner in A&E while he partied! Come on now.

OP, you've been more than fair prior to breaking up. You were a bit silly to breed with this idiot but we're here now. I would feel no guilt in attending the 20 week scan alone.

Please use your surname on the BC. He doesn't need to be on the BC to have a CMS claim put against him, a DNA test will force him to cough up should he refuse.

Agree. The father is distancing himself and doing a great job of that at the expense of op.

I think @Katypp is just goading op

All the talk is this isn’t fair and that isn’t fair is very sounds like you are still at primary schools and squabbling over who gets the red crayon - you both have some growing up to do.

I suspect that this is just one of many petty disagreement and that you will be back together in the next few days - poor baby.

I’m not letting him to the scan because you didn’t give me a lift. GROW UP!!! This is ridiculously immature. You’re about to be a mother. You chose him as the dad. You suck up the consequences of your decision and put your baby first and start co-parenting. This is not about your relationship anymore.
Why would you put your baby at risk by carrying heavy bags. Just get the essentials and go another day / shop online. Your about to be a mother. The baby comes first not this pathetic charade.

Nope, not goading. Just happen to have a different opinion to others.
I really dislike the way children are used as pawns and by one parent to try to control the other.
I also dislike the way one misdemeanour is enough for the op to punish her partner by not letting him see his baby. But of course she has the power to do that and she has found somewhere where this behavior is encouraged and seen as entirely reasonable.
Finally I dislike the way some women are so keen to portray themselves as victims to manipulate situations.
enough explanation for you?

It's a medical scan. So it's up to you. Yes it's his child but it's a scan of the inside of your body.

If you would rather he wasn't there, that's the long and short of it. He doesn't get to insist on attending your medical appointments.

A lot of valid points and advice here.

This is a first child for us both so pretty much clueless about most things.

No he hasn’t brought anything for the baby yet? When do most people start buying things?

We havent agreed on how much he will pay either, is now a good time to discuss maintenance?

My maternity leave starts in September and as I work from home I will go back to work.

Do 'you' want to find out the sec if the baby? If you're not bothered tell him you're not finding out the sex and see if that changes things for you.

Going forward, stop relying on him for stuff, online shopping etc

If he's that desperate for sex tell him to use his own hands

Re child support: I would go through CMS or at least use their calculator to find out how much he should contribute.

You left him but seem hurt that he doesn't care about you or prioritise you. I think this will increasingly be the case and at some point he'll be in a new relationship.

You have chosen to go it alone for good reasons I'm sure, so the best thing now would be to maintain a civil relationship and only communicate about the baby.

He’s bullying you about the surname. He’s dismissing your medical concerns. He’s refusing to help you. He went out partying while you were in A&E. He’s leaving you to physically struggle. He’s hassling you about sex…

I say, leave him. Do not allow him to the scans or birth. The department will protect you if you tell them he’s not to be permitted. He will bring nothing to the table, he’s proven that. Tell him when the baby is born and not before. Do not try to make him interested with updates throughout. Do not give the baby his surname. Give them yours.

Pregnancy is yours and yours alone. It is a medical process. He has no ‘right’ to it. So exclude him. You can look at coparenting once the baby is born.

I don't think you're being petty OP. This man is already not a good Dad- his baby's health is currently linked to your health and he is not prioritising that at all. The scan is a medical procedure and, especially when you have had some complications in pregnancy, can be stressful (ie waiting to see if baby is healthy or there are abnormalities etc). If you take anyone with you it should be someone who will be supportive. This man clearly just sees it as a chance to find out the sex of the baby and get a picture to show off with. Likewise he wants the baby to have his name, but can't be bothered to do anything practical to help the mother.

I've had a few friends with useless partners when they were pregnant, who assumed that they would step up when baby was born. All of them got very excited when there was a baby to hold/post on SM etc but were not actually prepared to change their lifestyles at all to do any useful parenting. All of them put up with shitty treatment for several years. Well done to the OP for spotting this now and taking control.

Woah, so your plan is to wfh while looking after a baby? That is not going to work. You need a plan for proper childcare.

It does sound like you both need to grow up and realise this is about what's best for the poor baby. You both need to have a civilised relationship to happily co-parent this child and do the right thing by it, not your personal petty squables.

I personally would let him be at the scan, of course you get to make these decisions as its your body etc but for me there doesnt seem to be a reason why you dont want him there that would put any of you at risk, and it is his baby as well.

And yes, put your child fathers name on their birth certificate. You know it's him, you chose it to be him, so put his name where it's supposed to be of your childs birth certificate 🙄

You both chose to have the baby, so he needs to be paying, go through the courts to get this done properly.

I do slightly understand the other posters point, you sound like you want to exclude him out of the progress steps of both your baby, not make him the legitimate father on the childs birth certificate, but then will be the 1st to moan if hes not involved with the child.

How sad for the child being born into such a relationship. No secure environment right from the start. Why do people have a baby when a relationship is on the rocks? I’m sure these problems haven’t appeared overnight - there must have been red flags before.

I wouldn’t invite him to the scan. It’s a medical appointment for one, not a date, and it’s to pick up any possible issues with the baby so you want someone with you who’s going to be supportive going with you. Same for the birth. The birth is not something you should compromise on- it’s a time that you are at your most vulnerable. You’re not gonna want your unsupportive, dickhead ex there.

Give the baby your surname. Whether he makes it onto the BC or not. Don’t let him bully you. Remember as well that he can always be added to it at a later date if you want him to.

Get used to doing stuff for yourself by yourself for you and your child. Don’t rely on him (but do claim child support) because while he might change, he probably won’t. At least not that much. Hopefully you have a good support network around you.

Don’t allow him to the scan. It is a medical appointment and if there is bad news, you don’t want him around. Decide if you want to know the sex or not. He can wait if you don’t.

Put your surname on the birth certificate and register it alone so he doesn’t go on it. This gives you breathing space. He can always apply to go on through the courts at a later date. Unlikely. He will probably be partying.

Don’t try to agree an amount for child support. He won’t stick to it. He has form for reneging on agreement. Apply through the CMS once the baby is born.

As for contact, little and often is advised at first and with you as mum present. Don’t let him bully you into thinking taking your baby out is normal. Also if he’s not on the bc, only you will have parental rights and ultimate control over contact, which sadly seems necessary at this stage.

Crikey, you're in for a shock if you think you can balance WFH and a new baby, or even an older baby.
You'll either break trying to do that, or you'll fail at your job or the baby will be neglected.
Your birth may not go as hoped, you could have done significant mental or physical difficulties to heal from.
Babies are seriously time consuming things, this is normal and not a bad thing, since humans existed babies have needed lots of care, and their mums too sometimes.
What other support do you have, if you can't work what happens then?

As to your 'when do people buy things' question, most people start as soon they financially can and acquire stuff as they go to spread the cost.
You at least need a cot and a pram (though some hardy sorts manage with just a sling, but most people find a pram essential as it is less physically strenuous and is handy in ways a sling isn't).
Would be good to have nappies etc ready so you're not running round after the birth trying to do that.

My view is that you were petty refusing him to attend the scan just because he won't take you food shopping. If you originally didn't feel comfortable with him going anyway, then that's fine - it's a long scan and you're right to do it alone if you want to.

Get a few bits to tide you over until you can get an online delivery. Get some independence.

How sad for people to choose to be nasty to a pregnant woman whose relationship has broken down.

She's willing to coparent properly. The child wont know any different.

She's already left him. It's in the op that she left him.

You're only 20wks so you have time to plan around childcare re work etc. Start looking at practical solutions and what reliable support you have but I don't think this is the big issue right now.

Ultimately its your choice if he attends or not and you have to make the right decision for baby and you. I get this was not a 1 time event and id be annoyed too but flip it the other way...if he had taken you shopping would you have been happy for him to go despite feeling unsupported or cared for throughout other times of pregnancy? If the answer is yes then maybe you are being a bit (understandably) petty. One of the hardest things to get over ime is justified anger.

Personally I'd let him go to the scan but change my behaviour so not rely on him for things even if he offers as he's shown he's not the most dependable so you don't get stuck in a similar position.

As for not putting him on birth certificate that's your choice but consider the impact on baby. If he goes on he will have the same rights as you. If you refuse to put him on he can apply for pr through the courts and have the same rights as you. Again though a lot can happen over the next 20wks and he may step up for baby.