To think teenager should be grateful for birthday party and gifts?

[Mama1209]

My 16yr old daughter is sulking, moody and crying after I didn’t get her anything from her (extensive) birthday list! On the list was a new iPhone and designer clothes & makeup which added up-to around £2k. She has been awfully behaved for the last few years in general. School day she may end up NEET - not in education or employment. She wasn’t allowed to go to prom due to poor behaviour/ performance at school. Vapes, drinks, is rude and abusive to myself & her siblings, doesn’t work or do any jobs around the house, the list goes on! We have tried everything including family counselling. Nothing works! She is so entitled -think Paris Hilton. Demanding £400+ for hair extensions, then nails, lashes etc every month which her grandparents pay for! Her dad passed away when she was 9, so his parents tend to try and make up for that. She plays Us off against each other. Anyway.. she expected a full on sweet 16th like she’s seen on TV in America. I got her a Pandora bracelet, charm & earnings, provisional driving licence and have said I’ll pay for all her lessons and test and give her £50 for each C or above she gets at GCSE. I’ve also got money which I’ve been saving since she was a baby, ready to buy her a car. I’ve hired a hot tub, glamping tent & disco bouncy castle for the weekend, she’s had her boyfriend sleep over in it as well as a special cake, Mac Donald’s & sweet deliveries (most of which got wasted) but she’s moped about all weekend. She said her friends got designer coats etc and when she told them what she got they said “that’s a bit shit” and was crying telling me this. She’s also got about £200-300 cash of family members so far! I did pre warn her that if her behaviour continued I wouldn’t be getting her any birthday presents but she still confined to swear at me and call me names. We also took her away for the weekend last weekend, we had to cut the trip short due to her behaviour, fighting with her brother and calling me names. AIBU not getting her more gifts? Or expecting her to be grateful for what she DID get?!

@Maireas Scandinavian country. We celebrate 15 and 20 a bit more, I know in some countries it’s 16 and 21.

I hope you kept the receipts.. cos it would all be going back to the shop wherever possible.
Firm up your boundaries... with the grandparents too... they are showing you no respect.
Or she can go live with them... that will sort everybody out when the masks slip!

Well, you've answered your own question.

You admit you've spoilt her and now you're complaining because she acts spoilt.

What a complete pushover you sound, OP.
Drinking and vaping and ‘demanding’ 2k’s worth of gift, having to be bribed to scrape a few GCSEs… what kind of parent are you to let that continue? Have you been half-asleep all her life?
Grow a backbone and sort it out before she does become NEET, this is insane.

I initially was going to agree with you but having read the details think YABU.
If it was a case that she was complaining you didn't get what she wanted because you couldn't afford to then that would be different and she should get a grip. Or even if you said upfront you weren't going to get much because her behaviour had been so bad.

But you clearly were willing, could, and did, afford to spend a huge amount of money but didn't get anything at all that she actually wanted or asked for?

Imagine if you'd put in an online shopping order and got none of what you'd ordered and the majority of it was stuff you either couldn't eat or didn't like? You'd be a bit pissed off if you rang up to complain and they just told you to be grateful.

By ignoring everything she asked for you're basically saying 'Your taste is shit, I know better than you so I'm going to get you the things you should like. I don't value your autonomy or interests at all.'

Yes it was a bit rude of her friends to say the gifts were a bit shit, but imagine if you're a size 14 and someone got you a load of expensive size 6 clothes because THEY think you should be thinner. Or you're a veg out in front of the TV person and they got you a gym membership because THEY think you are lazy and should exercise more. Or you like cheesy rom coms but they got you tickets to a Shakespeare play because THEY think you should enjoy more cultured things. Wouldn't you be a bit insulted and pissed off rather than grateful they'd spent money on stuff you didn't want?

The driving license and lessons is particularly weird for a 16th.

I’ve never seen one but it sounds like something mine would have liked that age too actually!

It sounds tricky, and the grandparents are undermining you. Can you get them on side? Smaller amounts of money and maybe they invest the rest for her 18th?

However I do think you should have respected her to the extent of buying a gift she wanted. My dd always makes a wish list and knows she might not get everything on it, but she also knows what family members consider a reasonable amount to spend, so she doesn't ask for the moon.

Incidentally she wanted a Pandora bracelet for her 17th and her other friends have them (she's 18 now). She also buys tons of make up, false eyelashes, spends money on nails etc. It's not my scene, but I accept it makes her happy. Mostly she has spent her own money, as she works, but some of it has been for presents.

I also think a licence for a 16 yo is ridiculous. Better to have waited till she was 17 and had expressed an interest in driving. My 18 yo has a licence but no interest in driving lessons - she uses it for ID in pubs etc.

I don't believe in endless punishments for poor behaviour - should be one and done. Birthdays should be honoured regardless, so you are not wrong there as others have suggested.

As for the behaviour- something lies behind it. Behaviour is communication. Can you find out what? The death of her father could well be playing a part.

provisional driving licence and have said I’ll pay for all her lessons and test

That is not a particularly great present for a 16th as you can’t have lessons or a test until you’re 17.

Did she want a Pandora bracelet? Again, that could be great, but also disappointing if it’s something she’s not into Pandora. I’d have got her something off her wish list to the same value, I think.

You can only get a moped licence at 16. It's not a car licence provisional or otherwise.

Sorry she sounds like a spoilt brat, I get that she has been overcompensated for loosing her dad but what's wrong with. Pandora, my adult dd loves it! Fir my kids 16th they had half a dozen friends round for a sleepover

I have tried believe me! What would you suggest I do?

Yep this. You could have got her something from her list even if it was just one item and I'm sorry but Pandora jewellery isn't t that nice. Plus the driving lessons and provisional licence can't be used for another 12 months. Why not give her those for her 17th?

Well yes, for a little while. I always try to get one thing mine ask for.
At 16 you can't stop her grandparents spoiling her. But time to have a serious chat about what's going to happen in September. Wouldn't hurt to help her find a part time job, my dc suddenly stopped asking for as much once they realised they had to work 3+ hours to earn the twenty quid they wanted to go out that night or to buy a dress with

I’m sorry, but I think it was shitty of you to get absolutely nothing for her birthday from her wish list. She may feel like you only asked her to make a list so you could deliberately get her items she doesn’t want and then demand she perform gratitude. It’s a bit disingenuous to say her entire list was £2k as it isn’t like she was expecting everything on her wish list, most people are happy with one or two items.

I also think a bouncy castle, garden tent and hot tub are embarrassing for 16yr old. Bouncy castles are for under 10s, a tent is nothing special but a necessity for an English garden birthday party given our weather, and a hot tub is just gross and in poor taste. So your party is shit too.

I think too that not letting her go to prom for what is normal teen behaviour was also shit. Prom is once in your life, and it seems a huge power trip to take that way for only poor/disrespectful behaviour.

I think you are in a power struggle with your DD and you are deliberately hurting her by making things that should be highlights in her life into a battle ground where you make them shit to teach her a lesson to …..not be a teenager. Cutting short a trip the way you did was bananas.

Please cut her some slack and listen to her, you will lose your DD if you keep up this power struggle.

If she becomes NEET she might end up selling the bracelet.

Did you ask her wether she wanted something from her list or that party? Was the Pandora bracelet on her list?

Goodness! You really need to change the way you are with this spoilt little madam. She needs to get off her lazy demanding arse and start earning her own money. She might just start to understand the true value of your generosity and just how much you have sacrificed. Enough is enough.

My teen just celebrated a similar birthday. No party (didn’t want one) went to a place they’ve been itching to look around for ages. Got presents totalling maybe £150 from me. Was very happy with the random assortment.

got to say OP yours is very very spoiled.

it would be one thing to give those gifts and then be gratefully received but they’re not. She’s spoiled and rotten with it.

you probably need to get yourself and the grandparents into therapy/mediation without the kids over this so you can get the grandparents and yourselves to tone it down and understand plying their girl with expensive gifts won’t bring back her father or make up for the fact he’s not around.

you can turn this around but all you adults need to work out the boundaries first

So you spent a fortune on a bouncy castle, hot tub, party as well as a Pandora bracelet and other gifts? She sounds spoilt. You should have given her the option of a party or a chosen gift. For what you have spent on her party you probably could have got her a designer coat or a iPhone?

I have never spent that much on birthdays for my dc and they don’t expect it. We usually just get a take away and invite a couple friends over and a £50 gift (sometimes less).

I can only imagine what she's like at school.

I agree with the principle of your post, but calling everything about the party shit is just plain rude. And it may well have been the school that didn’t allow her DD to attend prom.

Sorry I should have been clear, it wasn’t me who stoped her going to prom, it was school. I totally agree with your sentiment regarding that.

the party was something an adult would have been happy with it wasn’t as childish as it sounds. Google hen party festival theme, it was like that!

I think there were was 'unreasonableness' on both sides.

But what leaps out at me is that you wanted to both treat her and punish through the same actions. That's really odd and unhealthy.

You didn't want to reward her bad behaviour so spend money to buy her things she had chosen to put on her list. Instead you spent a pretty large amount on things you chose. But are now upset / angry that she wasn't appreciative!? The expression you've cut off your nose to spite your face comes to mind.

This sounds like an amazing birthday party! If she thinks all of that is not enough then yes she is incredibly spoilt and out of touch with reality! The driving lessons and potential car when she passes is MORE than enough - and very expensive. She should feel very lucky indeed.

That should have said "You didn't want to reward her bad behaviour by spending money to buy her things she had chosen to put on her list."

The boyfriend slept over? What's he like?