To think teenager should be grateful for birthday party and gifts?

[Mama1209]

My 16yr old daughter is sulking, moody and crying after I didn’t get her anything from her (extensive) birthday list! On the list was a new iPhone and designer clothes & makeup which added up-to around £2k. She has been awfully behaved for the last few years in general. School day she may end up NEET - not in education or employment. She wasn’t allowed to go to prom due to poor behaviour/ performance at school. Vapes, drinks, is rude and abusive to myself & her siblings, doesn’t work or do any jobs around the house, the list goes on! We have tried everything including family counselling. Nothing works! She is so entitled -think Paris Hilton. Demanding £400+ for hair extensions, then nails, lashes etc every month which her grandparents pay for! Her dad passed away when she was 9, so his parents tend to try and make up for that. She plays Us off against each other. Anyway.. she expected a full on sweet 16th like she’s seen on TV in America. I got her a Pandora bracelet, charm & earnings, provisional driving licence and have said I’ll pay for all her lessons and test and give her £50 for each C or above she gets at GCSE. I’ve also got money which I’ve been saving since she was a baby, ready to buy her a car. I’ve hired a hot tub, glamping tent & disco bouncy castle for the weekend, she’s had her boyfriend sleep over in it as well as a special cake, Mac Donald’s & sweet deliveries (most of which got wasted) but she’s moped about all weekend. She said her friends got designer coats etc and when she told them what she got they said “that’s a bit shit” and was crying telling me this. She’s also got about £200-300 cash of family members so far! I did pre warn her that if her behaviour continued I wouldn’t be getting her any birthday presents but she still confined to swear at me and call me names. We also took her away for the weekend last weekend, we had to cut the trip short due to her behaviour, fighting with her brother and calling me names. AIBU not getting her more gifts? Or expecting her to be grateful for what she DID get?!

Very entitled and rude, sorry but I'm not fond of this type of this group of teenagers. I see it every day, the girls with the perfect straightened hair, false nails, eyelashes and (often fake) designer bags and shoes in schools. They do have a disillusionment that they are a Kardashian or a WAG in the making and expect others to be in awe of how they look and pay for it. Just grotesque imo. I do hope your daughter grows out of this phase and if she doesn't suddenly start to earn a huge salary or meet a rich partner then reality will hit hard.

Perfectly said

I voted aibu because you got her so much???? No wonder she's so spoilt wtf. You've created your own monster here. She's not going to survive the real world.

Also it sounds like you've tried a lot but then still spoil her to high heavens and let her get away with murder! So that defeats the point of everything you've done. Yes her dad died, that's horrible but it's not your fault and she needs to be prepared for the world. Also Paris hilton is a fake persona, not a real person, she revealed this lol. She did it to get famous and get money, she's actually really educated and smart and fooled us all.

You've got problems and so has she. Good luck. You're simply enabling her behaviour and losing a parent doesn't translate into a spineless mother who has no control over her daughter and seeks to compensate by throwing money at an entitled stroppy teen. I've no time for parents who 'give in' to their kids unreasonable demands.

She is obviously seriously disturbed but I think I would have struggled to do anything for her birthday given her behaviour. For goodness sake don't buy her a car and stop the large financial gifts from grandparents. I think you need to tell her you love her but don't like her recent behaviour or attitude. She needs a part time job to build her self esteem and break out of the disruptive behaviour.

A good compromise would have been a few friends over for pizza and movies plus one or two things from her list. Tell her if she wants a new phone she has to earn half the cost and you will pay half.

Wow!! You have totally spoiled her and she’s a brat!!! My daughter got £100 for her 16 th and I paid for her friends to go out for pizza.
you let her boyfriend stay over on her 16th!!!!

Read what you’ve written a couple of times and you will see the problem. I wouldn’t have given her anything. She’s a brat but you’re still talking about driving lessons and a car.

Exactly. The mother is promoting this behaviour.

How about agreeing a budget with your daughter and the grandparents? She gets a regular amount every month, but she has to pay for everything that she wants and needs, clothes, hair, nails, entertainment etc etc. She can come up with a monthly amount that she thinks she needs and you can agree on it together. Grandparents must agree not to give in when she whines to them that she needs extra. Extra money could be earned by doing some chores, or the basic amount could be dependent on doing a certain amount of work, but as it includes all her clothes you can't insist she works for it all. Started this with both kids when 11. Son blew his first monthly allowance on one shopping expedition but learned pretty fast never to ask for money for anything! It worked a treat.

Hyperbole, people!
I have multiple children, all adults, all doing well, all respectful, hardworking, productive adults who are contributing members of the world.

She sounds like a spoilt brat tbh. And despite her behaviour she still got far more for her birthday than she deserved.

She gave you a list she wanted, she behaved badly so you weren't going to celebrate but then came up with random things and went with that and she has to be greatful?

Sure she behaved badly so you cancelled things fine but then as you actually celebrated wouldn't it make sense to get what she asked for?

What a spoilt brat Start giving her boundaries it’s time she grew up In life she will have to work for it Spoilt little rich kid Time to have a talk with grandparents they are encouraging her awful behaviour

You have a spoilt brat there BUT half of the issue is the adults in her life are not on the the same page when it comes to discipline so no-matter what punishment you dish out or threats you make to not give/remove stuff said child knows someone else will give her some of the things!
Some serious tough love is needed here & it starts with you sitting down with the grandparents to set ground rules for what ungrateful child can & can’t have!
Any sneaking of treats & she can go live with them & they can support her!

WOW!
Did you really buy her ALL that for her 16th?
She would of got nothing from me for her behaviour.
She also needs to get a Saturday job, teach her some manners and life lessons.

Its time to show some tough love.

This.

@Mama1209 Your daughter is a spoiled brat I’m afraid.
If my daughter behaved like this towards me I wouldn’t be throwing her a party!
When I got given a £2k shopping list I’d have given it back to her and told her she better get a job! And as for the grandparents paying £400 a mo th for hair, nails etc, i would’ve asked them not to! That mo ey would’ve been better put in a trust fund for her each month!
Boyfriends sleeping over at 16!! Do you have any rules/boundaries?

The fact she is so ungrateful and spoiled - I wouldn’t be paying for her driving lessons or a car! Not a chance in hell!! I would simply tell her that her behaviour is so disgusting that from now on she needs to get a weekend job and save for the things she wants! The grandparents need to stop too!
You pay for lessons and a car, I’m pretty sure she’ll be driving her friends around to parties, getting drunk and driving home…she sounds like she needs teaching responsibility and the only way to do that is to close off her limitless funds and make her earn it herself!

As painful as this is op... Behaviour is communication.

She's suffering off the rails and in deep deep pain.

Do you ever go on holiday with just her.. Or something to break routine...

I assume you've had lots of conversation with her grandparents about undermining you..

The whole situation needs a massive favour rebalance and fresh break.

She's suffering massively and lashing out at you. It's not fair on you but unfortunately you're mum.

I would do tons it research and do something totally out of ordinary as a family and try and connect to her.

She's angry...

@NoWeaponsOnTheTable @T1Dmama

Even if that child your child was bereaved of a parent? Age 9....

Spoilt little madam?

Yes!
A loss of a parent is tragic but no reason to spoil a child with lavish gifts.
Im pretty sure hair extensions and nails don’t bring the dad back… she’s just using this loss to manipulate her grandparents!

I’ve read all OP’s updates and it’s clear she’s tried and is exhausted. The grandparents have spoilt her daughter and undermined the mother which hasn’t helped this relationship.
But there is no way I would be paying for lessons or buying a daughter a car who behaved like this! She needs to earn the money and pay for her own things… maybe then she’ll respect money and people a bit more rather than just ‘demanding/expecting’ everything to be given!

People keep going on about the step family…. If DD was nine when her dad passed and step father has been around for 10 years, then the father died 3 years after mum had already met the step dad… so it hasn’t been like the dad died and was then replaced by a new family…

loosing a parent as a child is awful - and will have affected her - but telling her mum to go kill herself?!? Calling her a fat c€$t?!? Sorry but yes, dad dying or not there is no excuse for that!

@T1Dmama

So the gp response when her father passed away was to buy her stuff and now she expects stuff.... It's her fault?

Op if you follow such draconian and harsh advice you will loosen dd forever. ^^

She's got an entire life time to earn her own money, children a re not born with this knowledge they are taught it or learn as they go and make mistakes.

Some need more help.

Showing them household finances, talking about how much you earn and how that translated to buying a top or a TV... How many hours you work to pay for that..

Giving them bank cards, go Henry hyper jar and a budget, getting then to save half spend half, investing.

Talking about budgets and incoming and outgoing.

You would be astonished at how many patents don't teach this and expect this from knowledge to just be there.

Go Henry?! She’s 16!!!

so you think parents should pay for lessons and buy a car despite her disgusting attitude??

I think this should be a bargaining tool…. You earn enough to pay for half the lessons needed and we’ll match it… you then save £X for a car and we’ll match it.

a car is not a necessity and she’s displayed through her behaviour that she is not mature enough to drive, earning money herself might change that.

Give her a car she’s not earned and continue to sense of entitlement that she doesn’t even need to be nice and respectful to earn such a luxury!

Adding a car into the mix while her attitude is so bad will just result in her having no respect for the car/driving laws etc…. When she kills herself or someone else because she’s had too many drinks and driven, or because she just doesn’t give a damn about speed laws… the parents are left with that guilt because they funded it all knowing how poor her attitude was and how neglectful she was of obeying laws.

Up to the parents of course… but I don’t think teaching respect and responsibility is draconian!

I guess here lies the issue. If teaching respect and responsibility is ‘draconian’ then this is why so many kids are dreadful these days.
non of my siblings had driving lessons or a car given to us on a silver platter, we all worked and saved for it! Non of us disrespected our mother either, and we all still talk to our parents.
Spoiling doesn’t earn respect or love!
Buying her a car and lessons doesn’t guarantee she still won’t never talk to you again….. just gives her the means to get further away.
Personally I think it’s better to tell her now that she has a year to improve, study hard at college, get a weekend job etc…. And then and only then will you consider paying for her lessons…. If you’re paying for lessons she can save hard towards a car and you can match her savings…. She also needs to pay her own insurance though and you pay for breakdown cover or something..

This entitlement needs stopping.