To think teenager should be grateful for birthday party and gifts?

[Mama1209]

My 16yr old daughter is sulking, moody and crying after I didn’t get her anything from her (extensive) birthday list! On the list was a new iPhone and designer clothes & makeup which added up-to around £2k. She has been awfully behaved for the last few years in general. School day she may end up NEET - not in education or employment. She wasn’t allowed to go to prom due to poor behaviour/ performance at school. Vapes, drinks, is rude and abusive to myself & her siblings, doesn’t work or do any jobs around the house, the list goes on! We have tried everything including family counselling. Nothing works! She is so entitled -think Paris Hilton. Demanding £400+ for hair extensions, then nails, lashes etc every month which her grandparents pay for! Her dad passed away when she was 9, so his parents tend to try and make up for that. She plays Us off against each other. Anyway.. she expected a full on sweet 16th like she’s seen on TV in America. I got her a Pandora bracelet, charm & earnings, provisional driving licence and have said I’ll pay for all her lessons and test and give her £50 for each C or above she gets at GCSE. I’ve also got money which I’ve been saving since she was a baby, ready to buy her a car. I’ve hired a hot tub, glamping tent & disco bouncy castle for the weekend, she’s had her boyfriend sleep over in it as well as a special cake, Mac Donald’s & sweet deliveries (most of which got wasted) but she’s moped about all weekend. She said her friends got designer coats etc and when she told them what she got they said “that’s a bit shit” and was crying telling me this. She’s also got about £200-300 cash of family members so far! I did pre warn her that if her behaviour continued I wouldn’t be getting her any birthday presents but she still confined to swear at me and call me names. We also took her away for the weekend last weekend, we had to cut the trip short due to her behaviour, fighting with her brother and calling me names. AIBU not getting her more gifts? Or expecting her to be grateful for what she DID get?!

Hmm.. not sure about the Pandora bracelet, but I’ll take everyone’s word that the cool kids like them and not just the 40 yo women in the ads 🙂

I think the thing that matters is that your DD doesn’t like it for her birthday present.

On the one hand I’m in the ‘accept the gift gracefully even if you do think it’s a bit shit’ camp. On the other hand she gave you a list that had things of comparable costs, I’m sure.

Why didn’t you consider anything on the list? It’s almost like you had an idea in your head about what she would want and wasn’t going to be swayed off of that idea.

As for the school and other things… Don’t conflate the issues.

Issue 1: Birthday
Issue 2:School and vaping, etc
Issue 3; Grandparents

But she won't if her 'friends' sneer at what she gets. Peers are everything at that age, especially for unhappy teens, which she seems to be.

cancel the bouncy castle disco, take the pandora bracelet back, and take back or cancel every thing you have spent money on.

I have tried believe me! What would you suggest I do?

What have you tried?

That’s going to work out really well. 🙄

Might you have not been better off saying "the budget is £xx, you can either have one or two things from your list and a family meal/takeaway, or the alternative is a party".

This.

I feel sorry for her actually that you didn't get her anything from her wish list for her birthday. It would have shown that you are really listening to her and care about what she cares about. It may be crap to you but it's meaningful to her.

The rest of it (bouncy castle etc) is OTT waste of money IMO but obvs up to you.

She needs to get a part-time job now she's 16. That would transform her outlook on life - teamwork, taking orders from boss, doing mundane tasks over and over, sucking it up and experiencing the financial reward.

I would direct her to the McDonald's recruitment website and tell her it's non-negotiable! Worked wonders for my DS!

So many posters are not realising that spending a fortune on stuff that is not wanted and not what was asked for isn’t being generous. It’s the opposite of generous. It’s a I could have got you that iPhone, but you get a Pandora bracelet, a driver license you are too young to use and a hire bouncy castle/hot tub in the garden.

Imagine if this were a “D”H getting you a present and throwing you a birthday party and he’d spent more money on exactly what you do not want than it would have cost to get any one thing you did want and he knew about?

This. Poor girl.

Exactly!

You left out “and now I’m going to call you ungrateful for not appreciating my efforts”

Your daughter sounds really difficult and I sympathise. I am also the lucky parent to a 16 year old pain in the arse.

However... I think you got the presents wrong. You should have thought about what you were willing to spend and bought something she actually wanted. You thought her list was full of crap but crap is subjective. She, and lots of us, think Pandora bracelets are crap. And the party sounds cool if she had been part of that decision to have it - otherwise it's a waste of money. I wonder if you not listening to her and respecting her views is a theme?

I did and that makes it so much worse, to be expected to be grateful when the person has deliberately spoiled your birthday.

I would be absolutely outraged if my child acted like that. She sounds horrific.
First day I'd be having serious words of her grandparents and explaining that he is turning into a nightmare and that they need to pull back. I would then tell her that it's time for her to get a job she's 16.
I have a 16 year old he got about £100 from relatives and friends, and we bought him presents for about £75 in total. He had some mates over for pizza and a film. He was really grateful that I made him a shit cake.
We were going to go out for family meal but didn't have enough money so didn't go and he didn't moan about it once.
He gets £50 a month if he does all his chores, and has a job on top. He buys all his own clothes, and uses the rest for his own entertainment (except I buy shoes and coats).
If he had moaned about his birthday presents honest to God I would have taken them off him.

Clearly spoiled and been allowed so you made the rod yourself

I think from her point of view, you’ve clearly spent a fair bit of money however you’ve spent it on things she didn’t want or ask for so she probably feels you are not listening to her.

I sometimes had this with my mum - she thinks she knows better than me what I would like. I’ve had many an argument where for example she thinks my birthday should be in a really nice Italian but actually I just really want a carvery!

best situation would have been to divvy up the list with grandparents and then say your budget is x does she want it all on presents or a party too

Did you ask him if he wanted mates over for pizza and a cake?

As far as I understand it, you can't get a driving licence for a car until 17.

Or did you get her one for a moped?? (You can have those at 16).

OP do you not remember being a teenager? The emotions and hormones. God I remember crying over the most ridiculous things because at the time it all felt so important. My friends, my clothes trying to keep up with what everyone is doing.

Your daughter obviously has some behavioural issues and she’s asking for extensions and eyelashes because everyone on Instagram and tik tok has them and so her friends have them and so she wants them. It’s not rocket science, she’s a teenager.

However purposely not getting her anything from her list and instead getting her driving lessons she can’t do and a Pandora bracelet which as you’ve seen for some is a bit lame, I think is a bit mean. She’s disappointed, her friends have made her feel like her things aren’t cool and she’s upset. Again - she’s a teenager! She’ll cry and get emotional about these things because even though to you ‘it’s crap’ to her it’s everything.

tbh being openly ungrateful for such a lot of gifts (esp when she’s behaving the way you describe) indicates she already gets too much. I sympathise cos teens do
seem to be untethered from financial reality in a way I don’t remember being so common when we were young. There were kids with everything but it wasn’t the norm at all.

My son also has friends like your DD’s. Can only assume their parents are either millionaires or seriously in debt. We have a simple answer when he makes noises re. £400 trainers - “Job?”

Back to the family counseling. You've both got things to resolve. You are the adult here
God knows why you spent a ton on stuff she didn't want then got upset. But you can explore that unhealthy dynamic in counseling. Maybe you just resent her youth.

She sounds really messed up and in need of a lot of love and boundaries.

I agree what her friends thinks matters - but I think there does come a point when the kid just sounds abit spoilt and she has no concept of money.

Everyone seems to be abit obsessed in this feed about the Pandora- but not acknowledging how expensive it is to pay for driving lessons and then BUY HER A CAR?? That’s a huge present in my eyes and I’m abit surprised no one else thinks so. To ask for a phone any everything else on top of that is just excessive.

Also renting a hot tub ect… all adds up.

Sounds like OP put in a lot of effort.

Id be speaking to the grandparents about reigning in what they spend on her untill she is abit more grateful for everything she does get.

personally I think she did very well.. my DSD is 15 and if she behaved like that there would be no party no bf staying over and her 2k list would have been given back with a list of improvements I wanted in her behaviour over the next year advising if she works on that .. I’ll work on the list of expensive gifts for her 17th. She is being ungrateful but teenagers can be, it’s her behaviour in general that needs addressing.

You can get your provisional license at 16, you're just not allowed to use it.

Clearly, her grandparents spoil her but I can see why she wasn't happy with her presents. Why spend money on things most 16 year olds wouldn't like rather than getting her something off her list? It seems you bought her things you would like, or you think she should like rather than giving her things you know she likes (i.e things on her list).

she hasn't bought her a car or driving lessons because she is only 16 not 17.

Op will probably spend the year promising them then not give them next year's birthday because kid has been too naughty

..here dad died at 9...is this trauma that is underlying this behaviour? Not saying she is not behaving badly, but maybe more to it.