To think teenager should be grateful for birthday party and gifts?

[Mama1209]

My 16yr old daughter is sulking, moody and crying after I didn’t get her anything from her (extensive) birthday list! On the list was a new iPhone and designer clothes & makeup which added up-to around £2k. She has been awfully behaved for the last few years in general. School day she may end up NEET - not in education or employment. She wasn’t allowed to go to prom due to poor behaviour/ performance at school. Vapes, drinks, is rude and abusive to myself & her siblings, doesn’t work or do any jobs around the house, the list goes on! We have tried everything including family counselling. Nothing works! She is so entitled -think Paris Hilton. Demanding £400+ for hair extensions, then nails, lashes etc every month which her grandparents pay for! Her dad passed away when she was 9, so his parents tend to try and make up for that. She plays Us off against each other. Anyway.. she expected a full on sweet 16th like she’s seen on TV in America. I got her a Pandora bracelet, charm & earnings, provisional driving licence and have said I’ll pay for all her lessons and test and give her £50 for each C or above she gets at GCSE. I’ve also got money which I’ve been saving since she was a baby, ready to buy her a car. I’ve hired a hot tub, glamping tent & disco bouncy castle for the weekend, she’s had her boyfriend sleep over in it as well as a special cake, Mac Donald’s & sweet deliveries (most of which got wasted) but she’s moped about all weekend. She said her friends got designer coats etc and when she told them what she got they said “that’s a bit shit” and was crying telling me this. She’s also got about £200-300 cash of family members so far! I did pre warn her that if her behaviour continued I wouldn’t be getting her any birthday presents but she still confined to swear at me and call me names. We also took her away for the weekend last weekend, we had to cut the trip short due to her behaviour, fighting with her brother and calling me names. AIBU not getting her more gifts? Or expecting her to be grateful for what she DID get?!

The teaching her yourself but may not end well.. just a heads up!

Sorry that came out a little stronger than intended but these types of threads seem to come up again and again and it’s frankly worrying thinking about the sort of people that are about to become our next generation of adults. You have all the power here, stop letting her intimidate you. Let her sulk, who cares.

She sounds awful, OP. I understand teenagers behaviour completely but your dd sounds like an absolute brat. My dds would have felt so guilty for being so horrible about things I’d saved up to buy. Regardless of the lessons, the bracelet and birthday treats are more than enough. I don’t know anyone who gets designer things for their birthday!
I do however know families that are so frightened of their teens not keeping up that they spend far too much despite having a small income and struggling for the rest of the month. Some people massively over indulge their teens and it does them absolutely no favours

are you for real??. A pandora bracelet is a lovely gift and it's not a regular kids bouncy castle it's inflatable party disco.
I think OP has gone way above and beyond for her ungrateful, spoilt dd considering she doesn't really deserve it due to her poor behaviour.
OP tell your dd she can treat herself to all those things she desires when she's earning her own money and can buy them herself. you've been way more generous than I would have been if she was my dd.

This with bells on.

You've made a rod for your own back OP. 🙄

It’s not me who gives her all this it’s the grandparents. I’ve told them time and time again but they don’t listen. It’s hard as obviously their son died and they just want her to be happy but it seems they are good cop and I’m bad cop when I try and set boundaries etc

Quite frankly, after her birthday behaviour / treatment of you I’d be taking it all back.

I voted you are being unreasonable only because you got that girl far too much. Behaviour like that your lucky to get anything at all and I would have taken away something from her presents and given it to charity or someone in need the minute she had the cheek to complain about what she got. I feel for you mama

Do you think there could be something more underlying? I know it was many years ago she lost her dad but teen years are hard. Is she processing it more now?
Has she ever had any bereavement counselling? It often comes out in behaviour in teens.

You bought her something she didn’t ask for when she had an extensive list, that IS a bit shit of you OP. Can you not see how that would be frustrating?

Don't even know where to start. I gave a teen so know exactly what they can be like, but her behaviour is very extreme.

But it does seem slightly odd that they focus was on driving lessons when she's not old enough and a bracelet, did she want a bracelet?

I usually manage expectations ahead of birthdays. Set a budget. Couldn't you have got her one or two things that she wanted instead?

Although going by her behaviour she got more than enough.

Do you consider her spoilt? She sounds awful but is this her fault if she has so much given to her.There is no respect from her,maybe it’s too late but I would give her a short hard shock by giving her nothing.She needs to find a holiday job now and see how the other half live.Does she plan on going to university if so God help her.I would be so upset if she was my daughter she has been let down so badly.Good luck is all I would say.

Also do you think you could be subconsciously trying to overcompensate for being her only parent?

I am for real and Pandora is neither lovely nor keepsake quality. Sorry but it’s not.

No. It sounds like her list of demands were all too expensive. Which is absolutely fair enough, there’s not a cat in hell’s chance I would’ve got something worth £800 or whatever the equivalent was back then for my 16th birthday.

I agree! She didn’t used to be like this though, just the last few years!

Her behaviour is awful and needs addressing, sounds like her 'friends' are not a good influence either
Will she be with them in September?

I think she's far too entitled and definitely did not deserve the massive list

However - trying to get in a 16 year old's brain and imagine where she's coming from:

Re presents/party - did she ask for any of those at all? Were any of them on her wish list? Talked about? Planned together?

If not, you've probably wasted your money

She will be feeling frustrated that you could have got her 1 or 2 things from her list that she actually really wanted - but you ignored it/didn't listen to her and spent the money on what you decided was right for her

All the driving stuff except the provisional license is pointless until next year - she's basically had presents she can't use yet

A year away is ages at that age. Plus you could have used all that as a carrot to improve behaviour over the next 12 months!

Yes and her extended family do too

Could you send her to live with the grandparents for a little while?

Cancel the party if she doesn't want it I mean why waste your time and efforts of course the boyfriend can't stay over now as that was part of the package..

Was a Pandora bracelet on her list?

She sounds like an ungrateful little madam but I'm curious as to why you didn't get her something off her actual wish list instead of spending loads of money on stuff she apparently didn't want?

Thanks yes I think I should have just bought her some crap from the list and not celebrated at all. I know for next time!

Op do not buy from the list next time! She doesn’t get to demand gifts when she’s been so badly behaved and disrespects you.

Wow! Isn’t it? Sorry we aren’t the royal family I can’t afford diamonds and ruby’s

Eek your daughter sounds a bit like me at 16, i think i was a bit horrible. Well karma is a bitch because i have my own nightmare kids now 🙃

what helped me was my parents being super strict on not giving me a penny. You’d need to get her grandparents on board for this too. That made me get a job which in turn gave me structure and made me realise my place - ie: if i was rude to my boss i’d have no job and then no money for the clothes, nails, makeup i wanted. It got me in good habits.