To think teenager should be grateful for birthday party and gifts?

[Mama1209]

My 16yr old daughter is sulking, moody and crying after I didn’t get her anything from her (extensive) birthday list! On the list was a new iPhone and designer clothes & makeup which added up-to around £2k. She has been awfully behaved for the last few years in general. School day she may end up NEET - not in education or employment. She wasn’t allowed to go to prom due to poor behaviour/ performance at school. Vapes, drinks, is rude and abusive to myself & her siblings, doesn’t work or do any jobs around the house, the list goes on! We have tried everything including family counselling. Nothing works! She is so entitled -think Paris Hilton. Demanding £400+ for hair extensions, then nails, lashes etc every month which her grandparents pay for! Her dad passed away when she was 9, so his parents tend to try and make up for that. She plays Us off against each other. Anyway.. she expected a full on sweet 16th like she’s seen on TV in America. I got her a Pandora bracelet, charm & earnings, provisional driving licence and have said I’ll pay for all her lessons and test and give her £50 for each C or above she gets at GCSE. I’ve also got money which I’ve been saving since she was a baby, ready to buy her a car. I’ve hired a hot tub, glamping tent & disco bouncy castle for the weekend, she’s had her boyfriend sleep over in it as well as a special cake, Mac Donald’s & sweet deliveries (most of which got wasted) but she’s moped about all weekend. She said her friends got designer coats etc and when she told them what she got they said “that’s a bit shit” and was crying telling me this. She’s also got about £200-300 cash of family members so far! I did pre warn her that if her behaviour continued I wouldn’t be getting her any birthday presents but she still confined to swear at me and call me names. We also took her away for the weekend last weekend, we had to cut the trip short due to her behaviour, fighting with her brother and calling me names. AIBU not getting her more gifts? Or expecting her to be grateful for what she DID get?!

I wonder if it's all just a bit overwhelming, she's clearly struggling with something hence the behaviour, celebrating her birthday without her dad and 16 is a big one.

And then you went off list, my dd would never expect me to buy everything from her list, it's a wish list after all, however she doesn't like surprises (and has ASD) so likes to know/have a rough idea of what she's getting. I wonder if the list was about controlling the situation, and then her friends were unkind on top so she's now acting out.

I don’t know anyone that age who would want anything Pandora tbf.

This is like the person going uni and having £500 a month for spending via wealthy grandparents

Right, but putting aside her very bad behaviour. You're calling it crap, but to her it's what she likes.

Might you have not been better off saying "the budget is £xx, you can either have one or two things from your list and a family meal/takeaway, or the alternative is a party".

This was exactly my train of thought, but I wish I’d just wasted money on the crap she wanted now at least she would have had a smile on her face.

The Pandora thing is a bit of a red herring maybe- it’s not considered a ‘cool’ brand amongst kids these days so I can see why this may be disappointing when she’s given you a list. Having said that there are polite ways to ask if you can swap a gift if that’s the issue.
Her behaviour sounds disgraceful both towards you and at school. I’d give her 24 hours to buck up her ideas and then cut her off if it continues. No party, no gifts, no hair and nails, nothing. If she’s not in education why would you support her and if she doesn’t get a job she can’t support herself. I think it’s time for tough love.

This. It really isn’t. I’d cry too if I got one tbh.

When you say you've tried everything, what have you actually tried?

Feel like the root cause it's the real problem

I don’t think you need a provisional for driving on private land. Our son learnt with us on our land without one.

I think her behaviour is far from ‘normal’ and needs investigating. Some teens can be a bit bratty but this is way more than that.

As for Paris Hilton, it seems she needed her parents to be parents. She had a lot of trauma in her life and her childhood was awful if you take away the money. Her parents we’re not good parents.

She sounds completely ruined and she also sounds unhappy.

You've taken her away for a weekend, hired a hot tub etc and got her jewellery. That's a lot. It must have cost a fortune.

Did she want any of those things? Is it a case of her asking for thongs and never being satisfied and asking for more and more?

Or is she asking for one thing and being given a lot of other things that she didn't want at all.

I'd be going mad if my in laws were paying for hair extensions and nails for a fifteen year old. Unless they are really rich their priorities are screwed. It's money for university or a deposit for a house that will help her.

It's not a case of diamonds and rubies. It's a toxic mixture of your daughter having been grossly spoilt in material terms (despite losing the one thing that no money can replace - a parent), and you ignoring the tat that she asked for, and buying her tat that she didn't ask for instead, plus a lot of driving-related stuff which she may or may not have wanted.

One of my DC was a horror for writing unrealistic birthday lists. It normally meant that she got one thing she really wanted, and very short shrift from me with the "but everyone else gets..." crap.

There's no way to know whether your DD's friends said her present was shit - maybe they did, or maybe your DD invented the whole thing.

I'd normally write this behaviour off as just revoltingly spoilt and have some very firm words with her and her grandparents for encouraging it - but given that her dad died, I'd perhaps look a bit more closely at what's actually going on.

My kids aren't angels but they weren't spoiled either so I've never faced this kind of extreme behaviour. You were far too generous.
Pandora bracelets are more popular with y7/8 sort of age here but apart from that she's really spoiled and part of the responsibility for that lies with you. Sorry

C’s at gcse you say 🤔

Pandora is shit for any age and seriously uncool. Driving lessons and provisional license are pointless, the rest is a lot of money and fuss that she didn't ask for.
The real telling point here is that you describe things on her.liat of wants as crap. Repeatedly.
She sounds spoiled and hard work, but actually, so do you. She hasn't appreciated what you got her as none of it is what she likes. And you're having a hissy. Like mother like daughter

All her friends have them and my step daughters friends too. She liked the gifts, just wanted more stuff

One of my friends got her dd a ring from Pandora for her birthday. The dd didn't like it and Pandora wouldn't take it back and my friend ended up having to sell it. It caused quite a bit falling out as she thought the dd should be grateful for something she never wanted in the first place.

This exactly.

It sounds as though priorities are all skewed.

Not getting at you op but you used her birthday as punishment but then spent ££££ on things that she hadn't asked for.

The grandparents need to stop. A set budget, a couple of things from her list and a low key birthday meal maybe?

Bloody hell. When I was 16 my birthday present was a subscription to BBC Wildlife magazine. It was the 90s and I wasn’t over the moon but still managed to scrape together the Grace to say thank you!

Well the equivalent you know what I mean!

I think it’s rude of you to call the things on her wish list crap. It’s obviously not crap to her, it’s what she likes. That bit made me a bit sad actually. Not nice.

You're dismissive of her. You call what she likes crap. How do you think that makes her feel?
Also, again, Pandora is rank.

You may be right lol! Nice to have other peoples opinions. I suppose I should just stick to the list next time!

My Dd has just turned 16. She is Autistic, so different circs I know.
She got a ring- that she chose- which cost £45 ('keepsake jewellery')
She got a new pair of boots (to replace her old ones that she loved): £75.
She got a few bits of stationery, sweets & a bit of daft 'dress up' stuff £25.
She went to a small local funfair with 1 friend for which I gave her £30 to spend.
That was plenty for my budget (& I get yours may be different) but plenty too.
It's very difficult when you have Grandparents spoiling her (I get why, but still)
& she has peer pressure. Ride it out, OP. You've given her an amazing Birthday.
She will look back one day & feel a bit more grateful I am sure.

This is what leapt at me too

Yes interesting point thank you. It was makeup etc and things she already has, but in different colours so IMO would be pointless/ wasteful. I think I do need to look at it from her perspective more. All the young girls where we live including her and my step daughter love Pandora so we must be behind the times!