To think teenager should be grateful for birthday party and gifts?

[Mama1209]

My 16yr old daughter is sulking, moody and crying after I didn’t get her anything from her (extensive) birthday list! On the list was a new iPhone and designer clothes & makeup which added up-to around £2k. She has been awfully behaved for the last few years in general. School day she may end up NEET - not in education or employment. She wasn’t allowed to go to prom due to poor behaviour/ performance at school. Vapes, drinks, is rude and abusive to myself & her siblings, doesn’t work or do any jobs around the house, the list goes on! We have tried everything including family counselling. Nothing works! She is so entitled -think Paris Hilton. Demanding £400+ for hair extensions, then nails, lashes etc every month which her grandparents pay for! Her dad passed away when she was 9, so his parents tend to try and make up for that. She plays Us off against each other. Anyway.. she expected a full on sweet 16th like she’s seen on TV in America. I got her a Pandora bracelet, charm & earnings, provisional driving licence and have said I’ll pay for all her lessons and test and give her £50 for each C or above she gets at GCSE. I’ve also got money which I’ve been saving since she was a baby, ready to buy her a car. I’ve hired a hot tub, glamping tent & disco bouncy castle for the weekend, she’s had her boyfriend sleep over in it as well as a special cake, Mac Donald’s & sweet deliveries (most of which got wasted) but she’s moped about all weekend. She said her friends got designer coats etc and when she told them what she got they said “that’s a bit shit” and was crying telling me this. She’s also got about £200-300 cash of family members so far! I did pre warn her that if her behaviour continued I wouldn’t be getting her any birthday presents but she still confined to swear at me and call me names. We also took her away for the weekend last weekend, we had to cut the trip short due to her behaviour, fighting with her brother and calling me names. AIBU not getting her more gifts? Or expecting her to be grateful for what she DID get?!

Spot on.

She sounds like a nightmare but I do agree the provisional and driving lessons were a bit crap considering she has to be 17 and Pandora bracelets aren't really a thing for 16 year olds! Not the 'in' thing at all. So you didn't get her anything she wanted for her birthday but what YOU wanted her to have!

I cannot believe some of the smug unpleasant "how to be a perfect parent like me" comments on here. Poor OP!
Honestly, if you cant be constructive (and constructive criticism does NOT have to be obnoxious!) then dont bother commenting!

My 19 year old niece loves pandora! Not sure why everyone is so anti it. I wouldn’t buy it personally but it does seem like teens love it

It must depend on area. I'd see it as more millenial, so well on the way to middle age really. My daughter used to aspire to it when she was pre-teen but they all think it's a bit naff these days.

It's definitely not something I'd think of as a lasting piece for a 16 year old, unless they'd specifically requested it. Mind you, my godmother bought me a pair of fishnets for my 16th so maybe it is the year you get given particularly shit presents.

My shit present for my 16th was a length of material from the market that my mum would make into a dress for me. I managed to feign appreciation while crying inside!

As a mother of a 16 year old myself, firstly I would of set out expectations near to her birthday of what you could realistically make happen without ruining any surprises, and made sure she wanted that party and if not would she rather an extra present instead but made it clear that would be it; the thing with it is you sound like you make idol threats in spite of bad behaviour so no follow through, so she probably wasn’t expecting to receive gifts she didn’t ask for and be told it was due to her behaviour, peer pressure is terrible and as grown up as they might feel they are children at 16 and still need our love and guidance it’s our faults as well as theirs if they don’t reach their potential, it sounds like she really needed some guidance over the last few years to get her back on the right path I think that’s probably what should be focused on now, what you can do together to get her on to a decent road to education or work it’s not late it can be turned around

I voted YABU purely because you reap what you sow. If you really think spoiling your daughter to within an inch of her life is going to turn her into a kind, grateful, pleasure to have around child, you are sorely mistaken.

This is all your own doing OP and I fear it's too late to do anything about it. Her behaviour is shameful and disgusting.

I'd sit her down and have an adult, direct conversation with her. Tell her she has a fortnight to redeem herself or you'll make things difficult for her. You've got to really mean it though and if she doesn't change, she can find somewhere else to live. You should also have a serious conversation with your daughter's grandparents because they are also contributing to the spoiled brat situation.

I just don't understand some people's parenting skills.

Yes she’s had go Henry card since being little. Had many a conversation with her re finances etc. She just doesn’t listen to a word I say!

I really don’t get all these posts saying it’s my own doing and I’ve given her too much. She was crying because I didn’t get her much! So much conflicting advice on her and people tearing me and my parenting apart. You don’t even know me! I honestly think some of you need professional help yourselves! To write such bitter, aggressive words to someone you have never met us disgusting and I’d hate to see what your kids turn out like!

Op in a different way a relative tried to explain investing to me also.
I did try and listen but looking back I can see now he didn't say it in a way I understood.

I wouldn’t compare any kind of jewellery to some fish net tights but ok. Hope you manage to get over your trauma

@Mama1209

What have you decided to do?

You've had so many comments, some nice and some not.

In the end, it's your choice to make.

If you feel up to it, please let us know.

Good luck.

I think the party was more for you than for her, it might have “looked great” but the girl is gutted she didn’t get one single thing off a list she took time and effort to express things she liked that make her happy. She didn’t ask for the Pandora and I don’t think it’s a great gift either for a 16 yo these day. I would make an effort to get her something off her list it’s a rule in my home that we buy atleast 1 list item

Thanks for checking in. Yes it’s definitely divided opinions. Some people say I shouldn’t have got her anything. Some say I got her too much. Some say I should have just got something from the list.

I have spoken to her and said I’m sorry she didn’t like anything I did/ bought and that next time I will but from the list. She hasn’t took the jewellery off btw! So she does like it!

she has a trial at a job tonight. Hoping that might help her realise the value of money and to be more grateful. She has also been staying with grandparents more. I’ve been trying to spend quality time together just us 2. Been to the cinema today.

At the end of the day, it’s easy to judge people when your not in their shoes and you don’t know them but at least try and be kind! I was clearly upset and some of the comments were just mean! I think these people obviously have childhood issues to work on themselves! Maybe there weren’t given a barbie doll as a little girl?

There’s no book on parenting, she’s my first child. I was only 19 when I had her, coupled with her dad dying at a young age, I’ve done my best which is all any of us can do. Muddle along and hope our instincts are right and when they aren’t, lean on other mums FOR SUPPORT NOT JUDGEMENT!!

would I do this again? No absolutely not! Lesson learned! Also will never ever ask for advice on here again that’s for sure!!

OP I think you’re doing a great job. Don’t listen to some of the vipers on here, who just come on to make themselves feel superior

At the end of the day @Mama1209 I think you take from your post the advice you am want to take and ignore the rest.

I’m glad she’s got a trial at a work place, I hope it helps her and hope her grandparents support you more

Thanks so much appreciate that. Yes I didn’t realise how toxic it was! X

Thanks so much have a nice weekend x

i have spoken to her and said I’m sorry she didn’t like anything I did/ bought and that next time I will but from the list. She hasn’t took the jewellery off btw! So she does like it!

You may have just left this bit out, so forgive me, but nothing about her behaviour and attitude? If this is genuinely what you said to her then it would really be no surprise if she saw nothing wrong with her behaviour and considered you to be in the wrong for not getting her exactly what she wanted - you've told her so by apologising.

@Misspinkdiditinthelibrary

you don’t get “diagnosed” with “anxiety”
“anxiety” is not a diagnosis

@LuckySantangelo35 my dd was diagnosed with anxiety and depression by an adolescent consultant psychiatrist.

Consultant psychiatrist specialising in adolescents that should have said. She was even older than me 😀

OK so let's say an 'anxiety state/disorder'