To think teenager should be grateful for birthday party and gifts?

[Mama1209]

My 16yr old daughter is sulking, moody and crying after I didn’t get her anything from her (extensive) birthday list! On the list was a new iPhone and designer clothes & makeup which added up-to around £2k. She has been awfully behaved for the last few years in general. School day she may end up NEET - not in education or employment. She wasn’t allowed to go to prom due to poor behaviour/ performance at school. Vapes, drinks, is rude and abusive to myself & her siblings, doesn’t work or do any jobs around the house, the list goes on! We have tried everything including family counselling. Nothing works! She is so entitled -think Paris Hilton. Demanding £400+ for hair extensions, then nails, lashes etc every month which her grandparents pay for! Her dad passed away when she was 9, so his parents tend to try and make up for that. She plays Us off against each other. Anyway.. she expected a full on sweet 16th like she’s seen on TV in America. I got her a Pandora bracelet, charm & earnings, provisional driving licence and have said I’ll pay for all her lessons and test and give her £50 for each C or above she gets at GCSE. I’ve also got money which I’ve been saving since she was a baby, ready to buy her a car. I’ve hired a hot tub, glamping tent & disco bouncy castle for the weekend, she’s had her boyfriend sleep over in it as well as a special cake, Mac Donald’s & sweet deliveries (most of which got wasted) but she’s moped about all weekend. She said her friends got designer coats etc and when she told them what she got they said “that’s a bit shit” and was crying telling me this. She’s also got about £200-300 cash of family members so far! I did pre warn her that if her behaviour continued I wouldn’t be getting her any birthday presents but she still confined to swear at me and call me names. We also took her away for the weekend last weekend, we had to cut the trip short due to her behaviour, fighting with her brother and calling me names. AIBU not getting her more gifts? Or expecting her to be grateful for what she DID get?!

I think, in light of her behaviour, you were overly generous tbh.

If its any consolation, I had a teen DD v similar. She was awful up to about 19/20 but she did come out the other side and is lovely now. She now has a young DD who is proving a handful. I think this is my karma. Hang in there

It does sound a bit shit. A bouncy castle for a 16 year old and a Pandora bracelet will most likely be embarrassing for her. Sorry OP. It doesn’t excuse her awful behaviour though.

It sounds like this is a result of your own doing, she is spoiled.

I also think you were very generous considering her behaviour towards you and her siblings. (Although the bouncy castle seems an odd thing for a 16 year old.)

But if you were going to buy the Pandora stuff, why didn't you instead spend the money on something from her list?

It’s a full on inflatable disco, plays music and disco lights etc

A 2 grand wish list? When she's behaving like that? I assume she just turned 17 since you mention driving licence and lessons. Just another year til you can chuck her out, then.

I wanted to get her something to keep with it being her 16th and I knew she would get money from people to spend on the makeup etc she wanted

No she’s 16, it’s a provisional license

I think what you've done sounds fab, she's entitled and clearly just wants to compare with others.

So she'll get driving lessons and am I right in thinking a car once she passes? Mini festival party sounds good to me, my DS has something similar for his 18th.

Not sure what the answer is but possibly needs to understand there's plenty who are far worse off. Teenagers are usually very self observed so good luck!

I worry sometimes that we spoil our (20 year old) dd but she wouldn't have dreamed of making such a grabby list or sulking if that's what we had done for her 16th.

I think for a child who is behaving reasonably at home and doing ok at school, you would have been generous.
Considering her behaviour, I think you've erred on the side of giving her too much.

In a non-confrontational way start asking has she thought about how she will support herself at 18, bring it up in discussions, start collecting leaflets for services that will be useful to her - in other words a massive hint that you are cutting her off at 18 and she’s moving out.

But she can't have the lessons until she's 17, right? So an odd 16th birthday present.

Unless you're not in the uk?

Yes it’s a festival theme party it’s actually amazing!

Does she go to a private school to have friends that get those sorts of gifts? Certainly not the norm where I live.

Her behaviour is atrocious and I'd be working on that and would have bought her practical things until she could show that she can behave. If she behaves in that way and has a short temper she shouldn't be getting behind the wheel of a car.

Your daughter is a spoilt brat and you’re wondering why she’s behaving like one. She should have got what she deserves, absolutely nothing.

There is a lot of focus on driving. Cars, lessons, licences. And she's only sixteen.

Does she like Pandora bracelets? Was that on her massive list? It sounds like her friends have been unkind to her about her birthday so she's taking it out on you.

She does sound like a pain in the arse generally though.

Oh god. I know this isn’t a direct answer but I am so sick of parents spoiling their teens to desperately try and keep up with their friends or whatever shit they’ve been watching on Instagram. All it does is raise the bar; so someone else pushes it higher and the whole thing goes up another notch.

It’s depressing to see that the standard of teen behaviour is just to be pathetically grateful that they don’t kick off/demand things/hit you, rather than actually behaving pleasantly or doing something positive.

It isn’t rocket science, stop bloody spoiling them, put some boundaries and punishments in place and please ensure they’re a decent human being before unleashing them on society. And cut off the grandparent money as well it’s ridiculous

You had to cut your weekend away short due to her behaviour and you’re still throwing her a birthday party?! YABU, she sounds completely spoiled.

I wouldn’t have got her something which wasn’t on her list though, that’s really shit of you.

We live in the UK, planning on teaching her a little bit ourselves on private land so she’s prepared for lessons etc at 17 and she has said she might want to learn to ride a moped

Its a tough one because if that's what her friends said about her birthday then she's in with a really horrible crowd, and they're going to have far more influence on her now than you are.
Honestly I think you've got little choice now but to put up your boundaries, buckle up and wait this out. You're not going to change her attitudes and values when you're one voice against her peers, her SM etc. Be very clear about what is permitted and isn't in terms of behaviour and use sanctions when she doesn't comply. Cutting off cash flow when she's behaved badly will hit where it hurts and may force her to comply with basic behavioural standards.
Otherwise, manage your expectations around any gratitude and pleasantries. You'll not get these until she's grown up a bit and widened her circle to include more positive influences.

No but it did used to be a private school. There are a lot of kids that seem to be from more of an affluent background than we are

Blimey! Don't know what to say except wow!! You've given her loads! Hoping my DS will be happy with a trip to the cinema and maybe a pair of trainers...

I think there are off road driving schemes for under17s, so they can get used to the actual driving of a car prior to taking lessons and the test at 17. So they can get on the road faster and hopefully safer once they're legal.

Or it could be for a moped at 16, which would also teach road skills before moving on to a car.

I wouldn’t call keepsake jewellery shit tbh but ok!

I have a 16 year old and I thought mine was spoiled...this is next level... ridiculously spoiled. Nails and hair extensions and lashes and ....just wow! How would she fund that herself when she's older?
Like the pp I find this really depressing..you are setting them up for a future of disappointment if they think that's what happens in life and you get all the good things thrown at you without any hard work.
Time to put some hard boundaries in place I think, I'd be absolutely raging if mine behaved that way after being given so much.