To think teenager should be grateful for birthday party and gifts?

[Mama1209]

My 16yr old daughter is sulking, moody and crying after I didn’t get her anything from her (extensive) birthday list! On the list was a new iPhone and designer clothes & makeup which added up-to around £2k. She has been awfully behaved for the last few years in general. School day she may end up NEET - not in education or employment. She wasn’t allowed to go to prom due to poor behaviour/ performance at school. Vapes, drinks, is rude and abusive to myself & her siblings, doesn’t work or do any jobs around the house, the list goes on! We have tried everything including family counselling. Nothing works! She is so entitled -think Paris Hilton. Demanding £400+ for hair extensions, then nails, lashes etc every month which her grandparents pay for! Her dad passed away when she was 9, so his parents tend to try and make up for that. She plays Us off against each other. Anyway.. she expected a full on sweet 16th like she’s seen on TV in America. I got her a Pandora bracelet, charm & earnings, provisional driving licence and have said I’ll pay for all her lessons and test and give her £50 for each C or above she gets at GCSE. I’ve also got money which I’ve been saving since she was a baby, ready to buy her a car. I’ve hired a hot tub, glamping tent & disco bouncy castle for the weekend, she’s had her boyfriend sleep over in it as well as a special cake, Mac Donald’s & sweet deliveries (most of which got wasted) but she’s moped about all weekend. She said her friends got designer coats etc and when she told them what she got they said “that’s a bit shit” and was crying telling me this. She’s also got about £200-300 cash of family members so far! I did pre warn her that if her behaviour continued I wouldn’t be getting her any birthday presents but she still confined to swear at me and call me names. We also took her away for the weekend last weekend, we had to cut the trip short due to her behaviour, fighting with her brother and calling me names. AIBU not getting her more gifts? Or expecting her to be grateful for what she DID get?!

Exactly.

If you don't like the house rules you don't stay - simple.

I don't allow smoking in my house, so if they don't like that rule they don't come.

I would have loved that at 16. Your DD doesn't know she's born!

Don't know if this is any good but saw it mentioned in Bored Panda.

Boundaries With Teens – When To Say Yes, How To Say No, John Townsend

Wow my 16 yr old wouldn’t be getting any of that if she behaved the way you describe. She’s manipulating you and sounds like she’s very good at it!

You did good, our 16 year old wanted money and we gave her some I think it was about £100. She isn’t into jewellery and had clothes for our holiday bought for her before her birthday. We got a take away at the weekend.

This is obviously a fake post. Listen to yourself

Shes 16!! Pack up all her stuff and drop it, and her, at her Grandparents house. They've ruined your DD with their constant giving and belittling you into the bargain. It's their turn now!! I'd be tempted to change the locks as well.

I got £20 and a travel hairdryer for my 16th from my parents. I was hugely disappointed but just said a polite thank you. It was in the 00s so not ages ago and we were comfortably well off (dad had a sports car for the weekends, mum regularly got beauty treatments and shopped for herself).

What your daughter got/expected was far too much. I know teenagers aren't anywhere near fully emotionally developed but yeah that sounds massively ungrateful. Unfortunately given how she's been spoiled you're probably stuck with this behaviour until she moves out and realises the cost of, well, everything!

Just make sure she doesn't go into adulthood still being financially propped up by you and the family...

She sounds awful tbh. I’m sure she won’t always be but my girls would be over the moon with those gifts and that party!
I have 4 dds, 2 are over 20 now and I don’t remember making a fuss on their 16th. I bought one daughter a Tiffany necklace (from eBay although it had box etc) and she was delighted and still wears it well into her 20’s.
I have one daughter who is 12 who can be a little bit like this and my DH kind of spoils her which drives me mad. It can be very difficult when you’re not the one enabling this behaviour and you will always seem like the bad guy.

I always explain to my DC that I love them
more than life itself and as much as I sometimes want to give them the world it’s my job as their mama to make them into awesome humans.

Stick to your guns. They know your weak points and will use them. You’re not wrong at all and showering her in love rather than material things even if it’s forced (when she’s being a dick) will send her the message that gifts don’t equal love.

My apologies if this repeats anything written by others, I've not read all the thread.

Sadly my oldest daughter never did "come out of it" but remains very willful and demanding to this day. She never had any self-restraint and no sense of self-preservation, has mental health issues and lives on benefit and disability benefits but still gets very resentful when I refuse to give her money. It's exhausting, and very sad. Fortunately she does live independently.

In our case I don't think we could have done anything that we didn't try, she's had counselling, been sectioned, but is still wild with diagnosed problems.
I doubt that this will end up being the case with your daughter, but would suggest to you that you don't give in to all her demands, obviously you have another child and he must get pretty sick of her too. But this won't work unless your whole family gets in line with this treatment of her.

You have my sympathies, it's tough to be the grown up, expecially if her GPs are giving her everything she demands.

but all the stuff you organised must have cost 2000?
would have just got the things in the list and that's it.

This. Op you can't be mad she isn't grateful for your spending a bunch of money on stuff and didn't ask for to celebrate when she had voiced clearly what she did want.
Regardless of whether you think she should be having expensive gifts a lot of money was still spent and is also be upset if aomwo has ignored what is said I wanted and then done their own thing anyway.

That's not 'scaling back' for most people. That's pretty extravagant

Teenagers aren't always that keen on having baby/much younger siblings whether full or step as many posts on here show.

I mean I think you went a bit excessive on the party stuff!! But I think considering what you’ve said you got her far too much!!

It can be both!!

You spent a shedload of money on stuff she didn't want!

She saw you spent loads and she's upset she didn't get what she wanted even so.

And you gave her no consequences for her appalling behaviour

Why can't you see this?

Oh crap, I pressed YABU by mistake so thought I'd better declare myself.

Teens are notoriously ungrateful and sadly the only way to ensure they aren't growing up over-entitled is to keep it real for them by making them to work a bit for what they get.

It's such a difficult line to tread even in normal circumstances but given the trauma of you all losing her dad, I don't think you should beat yourself up too much about over compensating.

When dramatically bad things happen, it seems natural to try to correct things in the opposite direction. This is what I did last year when we all suffered a major trauma.

I'm only now trying to dig out of some of the bad habits.

It might be a time to sit down with the grandparents and agree a strategy. Then approach her in a mature way, tactfully explaining that whilst you've been trying to compensate for her dad, that sort of spending isn't sustainable or healthy for her without having to earn her own money.

It's hard but arguably worth it in the long run because teens are still changing very quickly.

Sounds like you went to a lot of effort and spent quiet a bit of money but you got her things she didnt actually want?
Teens can be self absorbed and unrealistic in their expectations but they are very fussy about likes/ dislikes so i would have bought something off the birthday list but explained i couldnt afford all of it-Seems mean to ignore it completely.

Oh dear. Somebody somewhere has lost the plot here. This is not the beginning is it but a culmination of a long ptocess. Lay your cards on the table be brave and stick with it. You dont deseve or need this. Take care too. X

Sweetashunni
Amen to that

Have you not read how appalling her daughter's behaviour is to everyone? The daughter is mean and bratty....not the OP. I wouldn't have given her a biscuit.

She sounds totally out of control. You need to stop giving her stuff. Tell the grandparents to put the money in the bank instead of giving g it to your daughter
If you don't sort her out now who knows what path she will go down.
I really hope you sort it out.
X

It was my dd 16th birthday last month. She had a necklace, sunglasses, trainers, and balloons and a cake. Went to a dessert place with some friends and Manchester shopping the following weekend. So nowhere near as much as your dd had and she was more than grateful. Some of her friends do have so much more and i just don’t know how the parents afford it!! I think you gave her a lovely birthday and she should be over to moon.

Sounds lovely, @Pres11 . I think some parents get into debt. Not everyone can afford lavish parties.

My daughter is 16 and loves her Pandora bracelet and getting new charms for it, as do all her friends