To think teenager should be grateful for birthday party and gifts?

[Mama1209]

My 16yr old daughter is sulking, moody and crying after I didn’t get her anything from her (extensive) birthday list! On the list was a new iPhone and designer clothes & makeup which added up-to around £2k. She has been awfully behaved for the last few years in general. School day she may end up NEET - not in education or employment. She wasn’t allowed to go to prom due to poor behaviour/ performance at school. Vapes, drinks, is rude and abusive to myself & her siblings, doesn’t work or do any jobs around the house, the list goes on! We have tried everything including family counselling. Nothing works! She is so entitled -think Paris Hilton. Demanding £400+ for hair extensions, then nails, lashes etc every month which her grandparents pay for! Her dad passed away when she was 9, so his parents tend to try and make up for that. She plays Us off against each other. Anyway.. she expected a full on sweet 16th like she’s seen on TV in America. I got her a Pandora bracelet, charm & earnings, provisional driving licence and have said I’ll pay for all her lessons and test and give her £50 for each C or above she gets at GCSE. I’ve also got money which I’ve been saving since she was a baby, ready to buy her a car. I’ve hired a hot tub, glamping tent & disco bouncy castle for the weekend, she’s had her boyfriend sleep over in it as well as a special cake, Mac Donald’s & sweet deliveries (most of which got wasted) but she’s moped about all weekend. She said her friends got designer coats etc and when she told them what she got they said “that’s a bit shit” and was crying telling me this. She’s also got about £200-300 cash of family members so far! I did pre warn her that if her behaviour continued I wouldn’t be getting her any birthday presents but she still confined to swear at me and call me names. We also took her away for the weekend last weekend, we had to cut the trip short due to her behaviour, fighting with her brother and calling me names. AIBU not getting her more gifts? Or expecting her to be grateful for what she DID get?!

Do you think she may have confused money and permissiveness with love? If you love me you will buy me x and let me do x.

Honestly I think the only way to make an impact is to stop the stuff and the help completely. No chat about a car, you are getting zero stuff. The problem is having a chat is not working, she needs real consequences that she feels the cost of.

Other option is to send her to her grandparents for a few weeks and then try to have a conversation with them about how to help her moderate her behaviour. If she has so much difficulty regulating her behaviour they will see it and perhaps then you can get them on board.

I do feel for you and her, it’s a difficult situation to try to repair.

Of course I dealt with her at the time. I mean I explained that as she was growing up she may not want to play with him and may be moody etc. why is everything I say taken the wrong way? Sorry but I think it’s time I end this conversation as it’s becoming quite toxic! Thank you for all your replies. I hope the rest of you also get the help you need as seems to be some very angry people on here

Yes definitely! She does stay at her grandparents a lot anyway and they are starting to see that they need to stop giving into her too but it’s a bit too little too late I fear!

That's a bit ridiculous. You were an adult.

At the end of the day she has a lot of things going for her and good prospects
What prospects would they be, when her teachers predict her ending up as a NEET and her behaviour would suggest they may be right?

Well she'd have got sod all from me behaving like that in the run up to her birthday.

From here on in I'd be telling her she was getting nothing from me. And I'd stick to it.

You are being more than a bit disingenuous here OP.
you say her dad died when she was 9, she is now 16, and you have been in relationship with her step father for 10 years.
so actually your dd had a divorce/ separation new step father first, then lost her dad, and then for some totally unfathomable reason you decided to add another baby into the mix.
Added to that you complain about her both deflecting and talking about her dead father during counselling
literally no shit sherlock that your kid is disturbed ( and that ignores the weird power play over presents she didn’t want, no boundary re sex etc etc)

That is how you deal with a 3 years old hitting their toddler sibling. Not how you react to your 12 years old being violent with their 6 years old brother to the point his wish would be for her to stop...

Honestly I recognize my sister (and a little bit of me) a bit in your descriptions of your daughter so I’m coming from a place of experience.

I think the only way all of us got through those years was my mum setting crystal clear expectations: we were either walking down the graduation aisle with a diploma at 18 or we were walking down the sidewalk with our suitcases, if either of us got pregnant we were 100% on our own and she wasn’t supporting us, we had pt jobs or no car and no money from her.

Outside of those very clear rules we were on our own to navigate as we saw fit. My sister barely graduated (it was ugly and included night school and summer school but she got there). My mum took zero proactive interest in my schooling. She didn’t care if I went or not, didn’t care if I failed classes or not (ok I know she cared, and if I asked her for help she was the first to jump in). I was left to navigate my way through. I did pretty well in the end grade wise and was on the honor roll more than I wasn’t, but I wasn’t a conventional student.

All the other typical rules for teenagers largely didn’t exist… no curfews, we could drink, do drugs, have boyfriends (and sex) etc. we did all of those things. At one point our house was on the regular patrol for our local police department because of the underage drinking parties at our house. (That lasted about a year!)

She wasn’t a typical mum by any stretch of the imagination but we turned out pretty well (me more so than my sister… but ultimately it was down to her choices). In some ways she was completely hands off but in other ways she was a great influence and support.

I’m not advocating you go that far but there is a bit of a lesson that for some kids you have focus on the big stuff and let go of some of the other things.

Not ridiculous at all.

It's respecting other peoples' boundaries.

This sums it up for me.

Goodness gracious OP, she sounds like a right brat! My 16 year old recently got a second hand electric guitar, and will have a bbq with their friends.

If I was in your shoes I would cancel everything and I would also be having very firm words with her grandparents about boundaries. You are her parent, not them. And as you have seen, spoiling your children does not work.

I would be horrified if my kids or any of their friends ever acted like this. (And FWIW, they all attend private school, what you are describing are not normal expectations)

I've always been desperate to please my mum, but I've had to start asking her to not buy me gifts. I tell her to just buy extra for my DC (I'm born close to xmas) because she has never bought me anything I'd like.
I've given lists, (little ones, like a lush bathbomb or something) and she'll instead go to the local shops and spend a fortune on things I'm allergic too, don't like or want.
Shes never bought me anything as a keepsake. I'm almost 40 and have had the same favourite perfume for years, because she doesn't wear it she'd rather buy me it and instead tons of "little bits" I've no use for. I asked one year could she get me the boots soap and glory big bag, she bought me a £8 hairdryer and loads of body washes I'm allergic too, which came to much more money than the s&g set, even though I have a perfectly good hairdryer. She knows I have one too, she's used it when she's stayed over 🙈
It's not malicious, she just can't see things I enjoy as useful, shes very quantity over quality and I'm the opposite.
Be pleased your DD has now made you aware of this and now you can fix it next year, but only if she behaves nicer.

Part of me is almost jealous of kids who behave like brats over things because in some ways it shows a spirit in them and also shows she's comfortable enough to tell you how she really feels. That's both positive.

However her behaviour and way she speaks is awful, but I think you can probably discuss this with her, maybe involve her more with your planning of things around her?

I'd tell her now she's 16 you want to work as a team more now, you expect some maturity and respect, she can expect you'll listen to what's being said.

The vaping and school stuff needs quashing ASAP and her DGPs need to back off now, they're ruining your relationship with her.

Also the gifts and party do sound fabulous! My 16 year old DS hasn't had much from me this year due to unforseen circumstances and he's taken it on the chin I've spent his birthday cash (honestly couldn't write the shit luck I've had this month) and I'm beyond grateful he's happy to wait until I'm not super broke for a real gift etc, so your DD really is very very lucky! Sometimes kids just don't see it. Best of luck, op

Oh that’s crap. My DH’s parents are like this. He’ll ask for an orange sweatshirt and they’ll buy him a yellow sweatshirt or an orange t-shirt. Just close enough to know they understood what he wanted but far enough away to be a ‘fuck you’

People saying op needs to parent are being ignorant and luckily so in my opinion.
Do you not think op has tried?

Non negotiables are a fallacy every person has their own situation, personality, issues whether that be from trauma or SEN such as ASD.
You know when you have pushed someone too far as they push back so hard its unmanagable. So anyone who has a non negotiable in place only does so because the person can tolerate it.

I agree with @TopMog

Actions have consequences. This is an important lesson to learn.

You need to put on your big girl pants and start parenting. Immediately! This is a kid who needs firm boundaries to be out in place, even if she acts out. (Which, of course, she will).

I disagree. There are many ways to parent, and it all depends on the child, the adult and the environment.

However, the approach that has been used for the last few years clearly isn't working.

So, I don't think it is ignorant to say this.

Something has to change, and that responsibility is not for the child to take on board. That's the adults role.

I mean that the parent just gives one gift, not multiples. Other people would obviously be free to also give gifts.

Your comment about setting fire to gifts is really nasty and uncalled for. If you can be anything, be kind!

"saltinesandcoffeecups · Today 20:41
Oh god 1 gift on a birthday…what do you do, set fire to anything else they receive?"

@saltinesandcoffeecups I remember as a child asking for a collection of Jacqueline Wilson books for Christmas, got a full set of Malory Towers 😂 your DH and I have parents from the same school of thought, clearly!

tallcypowder
That's a bit ridiculous. You were an adult.

Not ridiculous at all.

It's respecting other peoples' boundaries.

So if they came to your house you could do the same? No as that would be silly. They were not respecting her decisions as an adult. Under 18 I would agree but not once moved out.

Don't be ridiculous.

Of course she wouldn't make her married parents sleep in separate beds !

Their house, their rules.

Their house, their rules.

To what end?
Just silly if adults.

The point is some childrens mental health is that bad the normal parenting strategies don't work. They just dont.

Op please join the Facebook group lots of experience on there.

@tallcypowder
Their house, their rules.

To what end?
Just silly if adults.

So you don't think that anyone should have any boundaries? Or only boundaries that aren't 'silly' - in your opinion?

Well this whole thread is a graphic demonstration of what happens when someone doesn't enforce boundaries. 🙄

Quite. You want your child to be secure, confident and self managing? Set them clear boundaries early on and explain what is acceptable and what is not.

You can't tell adults what to do.

I guess they had the choice not to stay over. 🤷🏼‍♀️

When people are in your home, you’re in charge, not them.
As you said, there’s no obligation for anyone to stay if they don’t like it 🤷🏻‍♀️