To think teenager should be grateful for birthday party and gifts?

[Mama1209]

My 16yr old daughter is sulking, moody and crying after I didn’t get her anything from her (extensive) birthday list! On the list was a new iPhone and designer clothes & makeup which added up-to around £2k. She has been awfully behaved for the last few years in general. School day she may end up NEET - not in education or employment. She wasn’t allowed to go to prom due to poor behaviour/ performance at school. Vapes, drinks, is rude and abusive to myself & her siblings, doesn’t work or do any jobs around the house, the list goes on! We have tried everything including family counselling. Nothing works! She is so entitled -think Paris Hilton. Demanding £400+ for hair extensions, then nails, lashes etc every month which her grandparents pay for! Her dad passed away when she was 9, so his parents tend to try and make up for that. She plays Us off against each other. Anyway.. she expected a full on sweet 16th like she’s seen on TV in America. I got her a Pandora bracelet, charm & earnings, provisional driving licence and have said I’ll pay for all her lessons and test and give her £50 for each C or above she gets at GCSE. I’ve also got money which I’ve been saving since she was a baby, ready to buy her a car. I’ve hired a hot tub, glamping tent & disco bouncy castle for the weekend, she’s had her boyfriend sleep over in it as well as a special cake, Mac Donald’s & sweet deliveries (most of which got wasted) but she’s moped about all weekend. She said her friends got designer coats etc and when she told them what she got they said “that’s a bit shit” and was crying telling me this. She’s also got about £200-300 cash of family members so far! I did pre warn her that if her behaviour continued I wouldn’t be getting her any birthday presents but she still confined to swear at me and call me names. We also took her away for the weekend last weekend, we had to cut the trip short due to her behaviour, fighting with her brother and calling me names. AIBU not getting her more gifts? Or expecting her to be grateful for what she DID get?!

Just taking a slightly different angle on this but how did she deal with her dad dying aged 9? Has she ever seen a therapist for that? Might help with her behaviour. Classic mums net comment section filled with dumb abuse instead of seeing the one sentence in the whole post that might be relevant. Behind every behaviour is a reason for that behaviour, especially in teenagers.

Puts into perspective then, the presents my 13-year-old dismissed as crap. They were small, but I hoped thoughtful. Younger child gasped in horror at the attitude. So, basically, small or expensive, they will be dashed by a teen. Mine did grow and learn values, btw. Now thoughtful and kind. It took quite a while though, and many twists in the road. Good luck with her!

You’ve spoiled her rotten, Op. Your whole mindset and hers need to change drastically. You can only totally control your own mindset and behavior so get crackin! And hope it’s not too late to guide your daughter.

I really feel for you OP. It’s so difficult to get the balance right when your child faces a milestone that you quite rightly want to celebrate but that they don’t deserve or appreciate. From my experience, I just hoped that the more generous, understanding and tolerant I could afford to be (coinciding with many years of nhs and private care) would solve everything for my eldest child but it didn’t. My #2&3 kids now resent the gifts that my eldest had which I cannot now afford to replicate for them. Be careful x

I'm sorry she is entitled. With that behaviour I'd be stripping everything back. I'd pay for her food and educational related costs and nothing else going forward. She has to learn in life if you want it you go out and earn it. She has to learn consequences to her actions. I'm sorry but you are enabling her and doing her no favours.

Her behaviour is really not acceptable, and the wish list makes Her sound very entitled...But... did she ask for a pandora bracelet and the glamping tent and bouncy castle? If not then I can understand to some extent why she's upset. Also the driving lessons and money for her gcses shouldn't really be included in what you got her for her birthday.. she can't drive for another year. In sone ways it does sound like you were very generous but if you bought what you thought she'd like rather than what she actually wanted then it's not as generous as it first seems.

I completely agree with you, having made mistakes with my eldest. On their 18th, in a 2-bed buy-to-let house, I provided new fitted carpets, new blinds, white goods with a fridge and freezer full of food, second hand but nice furniture and had several ‘blown’ window panes replaced. I proudly set it up for the day of the 18th Birthday Party. I cooked and delivered a hot buffet, bought a dinner service, cultery, ornaments, candles, provided bedding, towels, toiletries. They ultimately trashed the place.

We had a thing in our house when ours got a bit grabby. We'd say "Daddy I want an Oompa Loompa now!"

She's a teen but it sounds like she's even more entitled and ruder than most. Perhaps suggest you're happy to cancel all the gifts and plans so she has nothing? Start humming Handbags and Gladrags? Suggest she gets a job to fund her lifestyle?

We made over the Child Benefit to ours at 16 for them to buy their own clothes and makeup. We do still buy the odd things but it really doesn't buy much. Of course if she's not in school you may lose the benefit...

And I'm never convinced by money for grades. Especially not £50 for Cs! £450 for scraping a pass?

I'm speechless. 😮

What were the consequences?

Their younger siblings are resentful and they no longer live here. All very sad, all very complicated. Thankfully since #1 has moved out, the 3 kids are getting along far better

You can’t apply for a provisional driving license until something like 12 weeks before your 17th birthday at the earliest - so don’t understand that gift at all.

I think the issue is you keep telling her things but don’t follow through with a consequence to her actions AND you’re giving mixed messages . You book her on a litter picking day, she doesn’t turn up, so no consequence, no follow through.

Her behaviour is appalling yet you still spoil her for her birthday with presents she didn’t want then when she’s upset and ungrateful you don’t understand why. So many mixed messages from you.

You say her grandparents spoil her and undermine you, yet you’re still planning on buying her a car and driving lessons, and spoiling her with a party?

The girls is a rude, spoiled brat and actually no doubt really struggling emotionally but all this has been brought on unintentionally by the lack of boundaries and consequences. It’s now harder to undo all the years of mixed messages. I really feel for you as it sounds like you’re trying your best and torn between trying to reward and encourage and do the right thing but have just got it wrong.

i don’t know why you didn’t explain the £2k list was ridiculous and that she would just get a smaller item/s from there or give a choice based on budget. I’d be disappointed too - but if I’d been acting like her and calling my parents fat cunts, then I’d have been told I would be getting nothing for my birthday and if they said that, they’d have meant it!

Honestly wish you the best, I can see you’re trying, just sending very mixed messages.

I made a huge mistake in pandering to bad behaviour. It’s enabled #1 to the detriment of #2&3. #1 has been seeing consultants since 18mths old and has many health issues following meningitis. It’s just awful for everyone x

YOu're being unreasonable in going out of your way to do ANYTHING for the ungreatful little shit. Bribing her, letting her grandparents get away with undermining your parenting/limits, and letting her to speak to you in such a way... I wouldn't have it for a moment! First, I'd drag her ass down to the loo by her hair and wash her filthy mouth out with soap for cursing you, AND I'd be taking away the phone she currently has as well as stripping her room of EVERYTHING that's absolutely necessary and making her earn it back. But I'm a no-nonsence, old school parent who believes that I will absolutely be respected in my own household.

• NOT absolutely necessary, that is

Wow, my sons are doing well at school, don't vape or drink and wouldn't dream of being rude to me (although I accept they may think I'm an old witch at times when I won't let them do something they want to) and they wouldn't be getting half the things you got for your daughter for her birthday!! If one of mine behaved like that they would be getting one or two small gifts and no party / bouncy castle / hot tub etc. We are relatively well off but my children know not to ask for too much as that would be rude, grabby and spoilt. I was the same as a child / teen and grew up with incredibly well off parents but knew not to ask for or expect too much for birthdays and Christmases. I really feel like you and her grandparents are spoiling your daughter and that is responsible for a lot of her behaviour. Can the grandparents put money into savings for her future instead of wasting it on age-inappropriate hair and nails? You say she asked for £2k worth of gifts, but I bet if you added up everything you spent on her party and the gifts you bought, you wouldn't be far shy of £1k. Why spend that much on a child in any circumstances, but let alone if she isn't bothering to work hard at school and is doing things to damage her health intentionally (drinking and more worryingly vaping)?

Then they move out at 18 and go non contact.

All the things you have done and the gifts you have given sound really lovely and very generous, there is no way that all her friends get given all those expensive things on their birthdays , she's trying it on.
Hopefully with time she will realise how lucky she is , i have an almost 15 year old who has been lovely -until now, she is becoming rather moody , she is my 1st experience of a teenage girl her siblings are boys and were much easier so you have my sympathies.

You can't make them do anything at 18 anyway, they're adults.

Anything a parent does for a child over 18 is done voluntarily. As other other posters have said, let her know in advance that you will help her step in to independence in her own place when she is 18. She’d better start planning!

I really do hope you don’t have any children. Well, if you do ss would hopefully have taken them away from you a long time ago. Drag her by her hair? What the fuck is wrong with you?

This! With bells on.

Sorry but your daughter sounds nightmarishly spoilt. Are you very rich? Nobody does all that festival stuff for a DD's 16th even if they've been wonderful at school, unless maybe they are footballers/WAGs?

Your DD has been awful at school and was badly behaved at the weekend away, she deserves absolutely nothing. I don't know where you go from here, sounds as though she has been spoilt for so long it's probably too late to sort out.

We are reasonably comfortably off and my 15 year old DD is happy to get pants and socks, a few bits for her horse, and maybe a few clothes, for her birthday. She had a basic laptop last Christmas, and a second hand phone a few years back which is PAYG. She isn't into nails and make up but if she was she knows she would have to pay for that herself out of money she earns doing chores etc.

People keep saying how entitled this generation of kids are - sorry OP but your DD sounds like one of those. I don't know how you undo that at this stage though. If you chuck her out at 18 I imagine she will move in with her grandparents and blame you. Good luck!

Wow! Sorry op but what a brat! And with everything you have done for her, she’s still not happy and calls you names?! That’s disgusting behaviour and I can’t believe you let her get away with it. You say you’ve tried counselling as well, did that not help in any way? Has she got some sort of ADHD or something? I think you really should spend the time and money working on her behaviour as that is unhealthy for everyone. It would also be good to come together with grandparents and make a plan to no longer give in to any of her demands until her behaviour, attitude and grades all improve. Set clear boundaries and goals and do not give in. Enough is enough and if you want something to change, start with you!

I think you’ve been unreasonable to give her so much when she’s behaving so poorly. How is she supposed to learn what’s acceptable?

Has the implant been reviewed with a GP because they are full of hormones likes the pill is and the side effects can cause really bad mood swings. Maybe it doesn’t suit her

Oh come off your high horse - how many normal parents would get their 16yr old ‘absolutely nothing! No matter how much of a bratty stage they are going through.