To think teenager should be grateful for birthday party and gifts?

[Mama1209]

My 16yr old daughter is sulking, moody and crying after I didn’t get her anything from her (extensive) birthday list! On the list was a new iPhone and designer clothes & makeup which added up-to around £2k. She has been awfully behaved for the last few years in general. School day she may end up NEET - not in education or employment. She wasn’t allowed to go to prom due to poor behaviour/ performance at school. Vapes, drinks, is rude and abusive to myself & her siblings, doesn’t work or do any jobs around the house, the list goes on! We have tried everything including family counselling. Nothing works! She is so entitled -think Paris Hilton. Demanding £400+ for hair extensions, then nails, lashes etc every month which her grandparents pay for! Her dad passed away when she was 9, so his parents tend to try and make up for that. She plays Us off against each other. Anyway.. she expected a full on sweet 16th like she’s seen on TV in America. I got her a Pandora bracelet, charm & earnings, provisional driving licence and have said I’ll pay for all her lessons and test and give her £50 for each C or above she gets at GCSE. I’ve also got money which I’ve been saving since she was a baby, ready to buy her a car. I’ve hired a hot tub, glamping tent & disco bouncy castle for the weekend, she’s had her boyfriend sleep over in it as well as a special cake, Mac Donald’s & sweet deliveries (most of which got wasted) but she’s moped about all weekend. She said her friends got designer coats etc and when she told them what she got they said “that’s a bit shit” and was crying telling me this. She’s also got about £200-300 cash of family members so far! I did pre warn her that if her behaviour continued I wouldn’t be getting her any birthday presents but she still confined to swear at me and call me names. We also took her away for the weekend last weekend, we had to cut the trip short due to her behaviour, fighting with her brother and calling me names. AIBU not getting her more gifts? Or expecting her to be grateful for what she DID get?!

@Mama1209 It’s her serious boyfriend who she’s been in a relationship with for years. I don’t see this as an issue as she’s being responsible

???

She's only just legal for sex OP so how can she have been "in a relationship with him for years" ??
"She is being responsible" - how is that when it was you who got her fixed up with an implant? She hasn't had to take any responsibility for anything in this area.

Amen to this! Did sign her up-to a litter picking scheme, she refused to do it.

Honestly she sounds like she hasn’t had boundaries in a long time. OP is saying she liked her party and what she got she was pissed off she didn’t get her 2k list of presents.

There would be no way in hell my DD would get any of that while she was failing in school. Especially not if she was demanding stuff all the time. There would be sure, you can have a pizza and a sleepover and thats it. The swearing alone would be enough to get her into serious trouble.

Sit her down and talk about career options because you can’t financially support her after 18 if she’s not going to bother with her education. Maybe work something out with the grandparents to say look if you don’t stop her future is bleak, she already doesn’t have a work ethic and expensive tastes, whats her life going to look like in 20 years without anyone subbing her?

This conspicuous consumption and her attitude to you is obscene OP. I really feel for you. She has the wrong friends if they genuinely said it was “a bit shit”. It’s so hard to suggest a way forward but I just wanted to let you know that YANBU

FWIW OP I agree with you that it’s too late to be the strict disciplinarian. Either a lot of the posters telling you to that haven’t gotten to this point yet or had totally different kids. Things like telling the grandparents to stop doing what they are doing will be perceived as you controlling and ruining her relationship with them. It will make things worse.

She’s 16 not 6… and the heavy handed ship has sailed as a viable option.

At the end of the day she has a lot of things going for her and good prospects. Yes she’s a pain in the ass now but so are a lot of kids. Be open with her. Tell her you blew it on the gifts but she was a right shit to you and you don’t deserve that. Also tell her that she’s not always going to get what she wants. The answer to that dilemma is to continue to work hard enough to have the choices in the future.

Good Luck!

I am an educated woman with life experiences do you honestly think with all this going on I haven’t sat her down and been firm explaining the consequences etc to her a million times?! Come on now!!

Yes come on now, you're still spoiling her!! 🤦🏻‍♀️

You are where you now are with your daughter because of the choices you made in the past.

You set no boundaries. You indulged her with far too many gifts and privileges to which she was not entitled. One birthday should = 1 gift! Why are you rewarding her for her foul behaviour?

I think it is obscene that you are even considering buying her a car! I saved for years and got my first (second-hand) car when I was 29 years old. She is immature, and irresponsible.

Children growing up with no boundaries face a frightening prospect because they don't know how to feel safe. They need the parent to set limits and then stick to them.

If the other adults override you and undermine your efforts, tell her and them that they can now take care of her and house her and you can breathe again.

If it were me I would write her a letter (paper, not electronic) expressing how hurtful I found her remarks, and how sad I am that she seems so angry with the world. I would tell her I love her as my child, but that I cannot like her behaviour and I will not allow it to continue so am cutting ties with her.

Eleanor Roosevelt:
“Do what you feel in your heart to be right – for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't."

Yes you were generous, however gently, you could have spent the money you did on party and gifts buying two items on her list.

Love that quote! I did actually write her a letter about a year ago funny enough!

Their house their rules. I did say to them you know we sleep together at home right? They said of course but not here you don't. Fair enough

Yes wish I had done that now and have told her this too. Not that she deserves anything on the list or otherwise! But I could never and would never do that to a child

How are her siblings coping with all this?

Oh god 1 gift on a birthday…what do you do, set fire to anything else they receive?

It’s not about the stuff It’s about a challenging kid who is difficult. I do think the OP was strict but there are kids who just don’t respond to that or stop responding to it at a certain point. (Of course there are parents who don’t impose any boundaries or expectations, but if a person is wandering around to shops to get them to stop selling vapes, I don’t think that’s the case here).

It doesn’t even sound like it’s about her dad or step family. Many people will tell you they either had a challenging sibling or kid with all other things being equal in the family.

So that means I haven’t sat down and been firm with her? This is laughable honestly of course I’ve done this! Millions of times in as many different ways as I can with the back up of every person I could ask - teachers, family, friends etc

Thank you for seeing my point and talking sense. I by no means claim to be perfect, that’s why I was asking this question on here, in just trying my best with a very challenging situation

Yes but we can't just post what you want to hear. That's not always good advice.

when my son was about 6, his teacher gave him some work asking “what do you wish for” he wrote “for my sister to stop hitting me and play with me” she will have been about 12 then and it’s carried on like that. I’d try and explain to him hormones etc. I try and keep as much of it as I can away from my step daughter as don’t want the bad influence rubbing off on her. They just kind of look on in shock/ horror when she kicks off, then after we talk about it and how it’s horrible behaviour etc

Can’t argue with this…

I would and have.

How else do they learn that actions have consequences? And that more serious actions have more severe consequences.

Of course! I get that and happy to hear all advice. I’ve actually changed my stance quite considerably re the gifts and told my daughter I should have stuck to the list, but some of the comments are really not constructive / nice are they?!

Well, ignore those ones and focus on the advice. What would help most now, in your situation?

when my son was about 6, his teacher gave him some work asking “what do you wish for” he wrote “for my sister to stop hitting me and play with me” she will have been about 12 then and it’s carried on like that. I’d try and explain to him hormones etc.
You tried to explain her behaviour to a 6 year old being abused by her, instead of dealing with her?
Word fail me.

What? Can you not be in a relationship without having sex? She is being responsible as she came to me and discussed contraception with her GP where she decided finally on the implant. She’s 16 and able to do what she wants with her body. Sex is a natural thing I’m not going to shame her for following her perfectly natural and normal urges

Yes, I don't think you've been as strict as you believe.

Maybe not!