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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist MIL asks me, not DH, when making plans that involve my kids?

377 replies

Maree1986 · 21/07/2023 22:22

Just to be clear, this is not a MIL-bashing thread. She's great, and a loving, involved grandmother. I'm lucky and I know not everyone has decent grandparents in their children's lives.

BUT whenever she wants to do something with the kids, she naturally asks DH, her son, and not me.

I am the one who organises the family calender and their lives, not him. He will just say yes, should be fine, and then immediately forgets the whole thing, and never mentions it to me.

Now, I KNOW that the actual person in the wrong here is DH but since that's what he's like I have said to MIL that it would be easier for everyone if she just went through me.

So last week we were together, me, her and the kids and she announces to the kids that she's taking them to the cinema this weekend! Absolute first I've heard of it and she gets the kids all excited. I said, no, I'm really sorry, but I've got something else on and it's all booked and paid for, you need to ask ME when you arrange stuff. She got all huffy.

Is it an unreasonable request? Obviously I am pissed at DH too, I'm not putting all the blame on her, but I don't know why she can't just do it.

OP posts:
NeedNewDress · 21/07/2023 22:24

The problem is your DH, not MIL

TeaKitten · 21/07/2023 22:24

but I don't know why she can't just do it.

Well why can’t you just insists your DH is less shit regarding the kids? It’d be easier if she contacted you yes, but yours and your DHs lack of communication isn’t on her. Focus on the DH problem.

WeWereInParis · 21/07/2023 22:25

Obviously I am pissed at DH too, I'm not putting all the blame on her, but I don't know why she can't just do it.

And yet this thread isn't "why can't DH communicate with me about plans he's making. I don't know why he can't just do it!"

Lovingitallnow · 21/07/2023 22:25

Why can't he just tell you?

Jimminir · 21/07/2023 22:25

Of course it’s unreasonable and controlling.

Have words with your DH. If she’s asked and he’s said yes then it’s on him.

Your DH sounds useless.

FOJN · 21/07/2023 22:26

You accept your DH isn't going to change but you think your MIL (another woman) should.

Your problem is your DH.

BigBeeee · 21/07/2023 22:26

I'm not sure. You have arranged to do something with the children at the weekend. Your DH has arranged for them to go to the cinema with his DM at the weekend. Do your plans always automatically override his. Did you not realise the DC were double booked and then discuss what they should do? Had your MIL already booked tickets?

Jimminir · 21/07/2023 22:26

She shouldn’t have any blame! It’s all on your useless DH.

DelphiniumBlue · 21/07/2023 22:26

Can you create some kind of WhatsApp group so that she feels she's telling DH but you get to see what's being discussed ?
If you haven't already specifically told her that DH is not passing on info, and doesn't do diary Co/ ordination, then maybe you you need to spell it out , so that it's not seen as you trying to come between her and her son.

Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 21/07/2023 22:26

I would put my boot up my Husbands arse .

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 21/07/2023 22:26

Yeah, your DH should be less shit - but if you have explicitly asked her to arrange things with you, she is now just ignoring that request.

YANBU

NuffSaidSam · 21/07/2023 22:26

but I don't know why she can't just do it

Presumably the same reason your DH can't. Perhaps it's genetic.
.

lunar1 · 21/07/2023 22:27

Why can't your husband just do it? Why does he get a free pass to be a fuckwitt?

But yeah, pass the issue onto the woman in the scenario. Why should a man look at a fucking calendar, that's clearly woman work.

Toprepandhowmuch · 21/07/2023 22:27

Can you use an electronic calendar and share it with each other?

Starseeking · 21/07/2023 22:28

I don't understand why you are blaming your DH, when your MIL is simply making plans with her DS, to see her DGC, who are also his DC (not just yours).

Your DH is the one you should take this up with; he needs to tell you when these arrangements are made. If he doesn't, it's pure laziness on his part, I bet he never forgets his work appointments.

Original poster
Maree1986 · 21/07/2023 22:29

DelphiniumBlue · 21/07/2023 22:26

Can you create some kind of WhatsApp group so that she feels she's telling DH but you get to see what's being discussed ?
If you haven't already specifically told her that DH is not passing on info, and doesn't do diary Co/ ordination, then maybe you you need to spell it out , so that it's not seen as you trying to come between her and her son.

I've clearly explained it to her but she still goes through him.

OP posts:
LuvMyBoyz · 21/07/2023 22:29

We solved this with a family WhatsApp group. DS DIL DH and me. We all know where we stand.

Bedbouncer · 21/07/2023 22:30

I'm the MIL in this situation. My instinct was to contact DS re. plans with DGS, but thought it would be best if DDIL was also in the loop, so set up a WattsApp for the 3 of us. Could you do that?

VisionsOfSplendour · 21/07/2023 22:30

BigBeeee · 21/07/2023 22:26

I'm not sure. You have arranged to do something with the children at the weekend. Your DH has arranged for them to go to the cinema with his DM at the weekend. Do your plans always automatically override his. Did you not realise the DC were double booked and then discuss what they should do? Had your MIL already booked tickets?

If hee husband hasn't told her he's arranged anything is she supposed to speak to her MIL before booking anything

Although I suspect her actIvity was booked first on this case what's the point of a calendar if she still has to do a ring round before arranging anything

TeaKitten · 21/07/2023 22:30

Maree1986 · 21/07/2023 22:29

I've clearly explained it to her but she still goes through him.

Show quote history

Why haven’t you clearly explained to him what he’s doing wrong? Why’s this all on his mum?

WeWereInParis · 21/07/2023 22:30

Actually - was your husband aware of what you'd arranged when he agreed to the cinema trip?

Takacupokindnessyet · 21/07/2023 22:30

This is really on your oh, it is a natural thing for her to speak to her child and expect that to be enough as he has as much right to say yes or no as you do.

IdSell · 21/07/2023 22:30

My kids are adults and it would feel really weird to have to ask their partners about making arrangements.

ArcticSkewer · 21/07/2023 22:30

So your plans trump your dhs plans?

DemonicCaveMaggot · 21/07/2023 22:31

If you are the one who manages the family calendar then of course it makes sense for your MIL to check with you first. The problem is your DH agreeing to stuff without phoning to double check whether anything else is going on.

I imagine after this latest fiasco that your MIL will have got the message.

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