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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist MIL asks me, not DH, when making plans that involve my kids?

377 replies

Maree1986 · 21/07/2023 22:22

Just to be clear, this is not a MIL-bashing thread. She's great, and a loving, involved grandmother. I'm lucky and I know not everyone has decent grandparents in their children's lives.

BUT whenever she wants to do something with the kids, she naturally asks DH, her son, and not me.

I am the one who organises the family calender and their lives, not him. He will just say yes, should be fine, and then immediately forgets the whole thing, and never mentions it to me.

Now, I KNOW that the actual person in the wrong here is DH but since that's what he's like I have said to MIL that it would be easier for everyone if she just went through me.

So last week we were together, me, her and the kids and she announces to the kids that she's taking them to the cinema this weekend! Absolute first I've heard of it and she gets the kids all excited. I said, no, I'm really sorry, but I've got something else on and it's all booked and paid for, you need to ask ME when you arrange stuff. She got all huffy.

Is it an unreasonable request? Obviously I am pissed at DH too, I'm not putting all the blame on her, but I don't know why she can't just do it.

OP posts:
FluffyFlannery · 22/07/2023 00:01

BigBeeee · 21/07/2023 22:26

I'm not sure. You have arranged to do something with the children at the weekend. Your DH has arranged for them to go to the cinema with his DM at the weekend. Do your plans always automatically override his. Did you not realise the DC were double booked and then discuss what they should do? Had your MIL already booked tickets?

A marriage will naturally have different roles for each spouse. That’s called efficiency. Op already stated she organises the calendar, so yes, her arrangements trump anything else.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 22/07/2023 00:01

Why can’t you just have another WhatsApp group with the three of you?

Having a big family one already doesn’t preclude another one.

JudgeRudy · 22/07/2023 00:01

I'm agreeing with most of you here that the problem seems to be your husband. Yes, you and your husband should communicate better but that goes 2 ways. You presumably ddidn't run it by him. These things you have planned, are they in your head? By that i mean have you just unilaterally decided that thats whats happening? lf this is a regular occurance it sounds like either you're either incredibly bossy/controlling or your OH has no input/interest in the day to day lives of his children. Either of those would concern me far more than the MIL.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 22/07/2023 00:02

5foot5 · 21/07/2023 23:58

How about an actual calendar. A thing made out of paper and cardboard that you hang on the wall in the kitchen or stick to the fridge or something.

He could surely work that.

Show quote history

I thought those things were extinct I didn't know they still.made them how fascinating.

jackstini · 22/07/2023 00:02

Why not just add MIL to your electronic calendar?

It's not really the point, as your DH needs a kick up the arse for causing this situation; but it might be a simple solution...

NumberTheory · 22/07/2023 00:02

Maree1986 · 21/07/2023 23:51

What am I pushing on her though?
Asking that she asks me instead of asking him?
Is that difficult?
If that's the way we do things in our family, for whatever reason, why can't I ask her to what works for us?

Show quote history

Your MiL wants to talk to her son. She wants her son to know that she's putting in effort with his children. She wants her relationship with her son to be reinforced and enriched by the back and forth that communication on offers like this (should) create. She is trying to strengthen her relationship with her son, not her daughter in law.

From her point of view, by insisting she goes through you, you are inserting yourself into her relationship with her son.

Of course, she's being unreasonable if she then blames you or takes things out on you in any way when her son screws up.

WeetabixTowels · 22/07/2023 00:02

Maree1986 · 21/07/2023 23:51

What am I pushing on her though?
Asking that she asks me instead of asking him?
Is that difficult?
If that's the way we do things in our family, for whatever reason, why can't I ask her to what works for us?

Show quote history

Why are you ignoring when people ask why you aren’t instead insisting your DH be lea shit? It would be best for the KIDS if he was just a tiny bit competent. Why does a woman have to suffer for his uselessness?

PollyPut · 22/07/2023 00:03

Get a groupchat for the 3 of you and plan through that. Easy and no-one feels left out

Original poster
Maree1986 · 22/07/2023 00:03

QS90 · 21/07/2023 23:56

Not sure about the comments on here saying the DH has got as much "right" as OP to make arrangements for kids? Feel they've purposefully missed the point. The main carer (in this case the OP) is the person who schedules most of the children's activities, so it is pragmatic that any arrangements go through them, to avoid issues such as this one. It's not like DH is saying "can my mum take kids to cinema" and OP is refusing. OP YANBU to want arrangements to go through you.

Yes your DH is the one in the wrong, but in practice you need MIL and DH to both be on board with arrangement making through you (so all carers / family members are on same page). Perhaps a frank conversation with MIL if you are close enough? I'm lucky my in-laws are nice and I am close to them - I just told them "don't bother making plans with Ben, he doesn't pass the message on". We also have a family WhatsApp which has helped, as others have suggested. Although even with this, I periodically just ask them "when are we next seeing you?". Sometimes they already think they've got a date sorted with Ben, and I'm like "nope, first I've heard of it and I've made plans already, but what about x or x date?". I guess the difference is they never get huffy - they seem to prefer more casual plans than my family make, so are always chill about doing a different day.

Yes, exactly, thank you.

I am the one who organises their lives. That is how we've set up our family arrangements.
Yes, he's useless at remembering yo pass on messages or check calanders, yes it's annoying, yes I call him out on it but all I am asking MIL to do is to ask me, as the organiser, and not him. It's not like I'm asking her to do anything taxing or strenuous or become involved in our marriage or anything.
And no, I'm not a doormat nor do I iron his shirts, bring him his pipe and slippers, and wipe his arse, but we do have roles we have taken on and agreed upon and I don't see what's so wrong with that.

OP posts:
YabbaDabbaDooooo · 22/07/2023 00:04

Maree1986 · 21/07/2023 23:51

What am I pushing on her though?
Asking that she asks me instead of asking him?
Is that difficult?
If that's the way we do things in our family, for whatever reason, why can't I ask her to what works for us?

Show quote history

Because your husband...you know, the kids father is who you should be asking.

And let's face it, if he was bothered about what's in his kids best interest, you wouldn't need to ask him.

Stop shifting the blame and start asking him why he doesn't care.

WeetabixTowels · 22/07/2023 00:05

It's crazy that people do these things without checking!

And yet you excuse your husband when he does it. It’s not crazy when silly DH does it, it’s ‘who he is’

Original poster
Maree1986 · 22/07/2023 00:05

WeetabixTowels · 22/07/2023 00:02

Why are you ignoring when people ask why you aren’t instead insisting your DH be lea shit? It would be best for the KIDS if he was just a tiny bit competent. Why does a woman have to suffer for his uselessness?

Show quote history

I haven't ignored it, I've answered it several times
And MIL isn't "suffering" 😂

OP posts:
FluffyFlannery · 22/07/2023 00:05

jackstini · 22/07/2023 00:02

Why not just add MIL to your electronic calendar?

It's not really the point, as your DH needs a kick up the arse for causing this situation; but it might be a simple solution...

Invasion of privacy! My husband and I have a shared calendar where we add all sorts of things including medical appointments etc. No way I’d have my MIL in there! Are you okay???

Original poster
Maree1986 · 22/07/2023 00:06

WeetabixTowels · 22/07/2023 00:05

It's crazy that people do these things without checking!

And yet you excuse your husband when he does it. It’s not crazy when silly DH does it, it’s ‘who he is’

"People" is actually plural

OP posts:
Carpediemmakeitcount · 22/07/2023 00:06

I hope you don't roll out the red carpet when he enters the house. You don't fan him and feed h grapes whilst he is sitting down.

Brrrrrrrrrrrr · 22/07/2023 00:08

Your DH sounds useless, he is your issue not your lovely MIL. Also why can’t you actively engage with her yourself and ask if there’s anything coming up that she’d want you to make a note of. Simples. But no doubt someone will come along and convince you she is evil and trying to disrupt/ takeover your life 🙆🏻‍♀️

Original poster
Maree1986 · 22/07/2023 00:08

Carpediemmakeitcount · 22/07/2023 00:06

I hope you don't roll out the red carpet when he enters the house. You don't fan him and feed h grapes whilst he is sitting down.

Of course I do
I chew his food for him too. And hold his willy while he has a wee.

OP posts:
YabbaDabbaDooooo · 22/07/2023 00:09

Carpediemmakeitcount · 22/07/2023 00:06

I hope you don't roll out the red carpet when he enters the house. You don't fan him and feed h grapes whilst he is sitting down.

I just hope she cuts them in half for him.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 22/07/2023 00:09

You're a good wife🤣

Original poster
Maree1986 · 22/07/2023 00:10

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 22/07/2023 00:09

I just hope she cuts them in half for him.

Show quote history

Lengthways

OP posts:
WeetabixTowels · 22/07/2023 00:11

Maree1986 · 22/07/2023 00:03

Yes, exactly, thank you.

I am the one who organises their lives. That is how we've set up our family arrangements.
Yes, he's useless at remembering yo pass on messages or check calanders, yes it's annoying, yes I call him out on it but all I am asking MIL to do is to ask me, as the organiser, and not him. It's not like I'm asking her to do anything taxing or strenuous or become involved in our marriage or anything.
And no, I'm not a doormat nor do I iron his shirts, bring him his pipe and slippers, and wipe his arse, but we do have roles we have taken on and agreed upon and I don't see what's so wrong with that.

Show quote history

Because quite simply, you’re expecting someone to changes their ways of doing things - but it isn’t the perfectly capable man who is the father of the kids involved. It’s the grandma - who had no earthly reason to not go through her son except that no one has ever decided that he should be less shit at organising. Why should the woman, the grandma be the one to change? It’s not like you’re asking him to do anything taxing or strenuous by getting him to understand how a calendar works.

MavisMcMinty · 22/07/2023 00:11

They both sound like a PITA where this is concerned. Yes your husband should use the fucking calendar (sorry for swearing but sheesh!) and yes your MIL should run it by you rather him because LOOK AT WHAT JUST HAPPENED WITH THE CINEMA TRIP FFS!

YANBU. I’d’ve screamed the above at both of them.

WeetabixTowels · 22/07/2023 00:11

OP: AIBU?
130 posts: Yes
1 post: No
OP to the one poster: Exactly thank you!

🙄😆

FluffyFlannery · 22/07/2023 00:12

Maree1986 · 22/07/2023 00:05

I haven't ignored it, I've answered it several times
And MIL isn't "suffering" 😂

Show quote history

The responses here are so blinded by feminism they can’t see the forest for the trees.

Op, marriages naturally develop roles based on various reasons. It’s completely normal and efficient. Your MIL is creating a power play (perhaps subconsciously) and it needs to stop. She knows you arrange the calendar but her ego doesn’t permit her to go through you. It’s awfully disrespectful.

When you are all together over tea and cake, broach the topic. Tell your husband that he must support you in this so your MIL sees a united front. She must not be allowed to undermine you or your marriage.

WeetabixTowels · 22/07/2023 00:14

Maree1986 · 22/07/2023 00:05

I haven't ignored it, I've answered it several times
And MIL isn't "suffering" 😂

Show quote history

Well she is because she thought she was taking her GC to the cinema and dopey arse son has not checked the kids aren’t doing something else. It’s a regular occurrence enough to make a MN post.

And you haven’t answered the question other than ‘DH is shit so it’s easier for her to change’ - can you see how that is a ridiculous answer?

Do you have any objection to starting a WhatsApp group between 3 of you?