To insist MIL asks me, not DH, when making plans that involve my kids?

[Maree1986]

Just to be clear, this is not a MIL-bashing thread. She's great, and a loving, involved grandmother. I'm lucky and I know not everyone has decent grandparents in their children's lives.

BUT whenever she wants to do something with the kids, she naturally asks DH, her son, and not me.

I am the one who organises the family calender and their lives, not him. He will just say yes, should be fine, and then immediately forgets the whole thing, and never mentions it to me.

Now, I KNOW that the actual person in the wrong here is DH but since that's what he's like I have said to MIL that it would be easier for everyone if she just went through me.

So last week we were together, me, her and the kids and she announces to the kids that she's taking them to the cinema this weekend! Absolute first I've heard of it and she gets the kids all excited. I said, no, I'm really sorry, but I've got something else on and it's all booked and paid for, you need to ask ME when you arrange stuff. She got all huffy.

Is it an unreasonable request? Obviously I am pissed at DH too, I'm not putting all the blame on her, but I don't know why she can't just do it.

OP, ages ago, in a comment Weetabix towels probably changed to read: I know you are all right.

Why both of them?

It's not the MIL's fault that she refuses to surrender to him and insists on treating him like an adult man, capable of communicating with his own wife.

Too many cooks spoil the broth. I loathe all these ridiculous WhatsApp groups. Op said she arranges the calendar so there’s no reason adding complications when the MIL well knows this and can ask her directly.

Yes, well done. But what does that have to do with any of it?

You yourself have said it’s crazy when people make plans without checking. Your DH persistently does that, yet it’s not crazy, it’s him being ‘shit’. Maybe your sister is just shit and disorganised, silly thing, and that’s why she just popped over from Oz without checking?

I said it's crazy when people do that.

People. More than one person. Not just my sister. People. When people do that.

I'm not sure how you interpreted this as saying only my sister is crazy and not my DH.

The OPs mil knows she should discuss plans with her Dil. It's not hard "Hello Dil, I would like to take the children out for the day when are they free?". It's not hard she is being obtuse and hoping to fit the children in her time rather than working around the children's time.

Why both of them? Because both of them are causing unnecessary problems. MIL won’t organise things through OP despite being asked to, and useless husband won’t use the calendar, despite being asked to. Seems like neither mother nor son ever listen to OP.

Yes, this nails it.

OP, it’s Friday evening so you’re getting a bit of a combination of the sport of “kick the OP” with “protect MILs at all costs.” But no, you’re not unreasonable. Presumably she knows her son is shit with scheduling; she raised him after all. It’s perfectly normal to ask her to plan things through you and if she was in earnest she would. Instead she’s resisting, continuing to go through her clueless son, and then getting pissy with you when it doesn’t work out, which is out of line.

Since she’s being passive aggressive about it I would work on drilling it into your husband’s head that anytime she asks about scheduling anything with the kids, his response is “I don’t know, ask Maree.” He clearly isn’t going to learn to be more organized with scheduling because he’s incompetent with all scheduling, so he needs an auto-response to give.

Agree that the problem is DH. Plans need to be checked and communicated with all parties. Maybe the only way is for DH to feel the consequences of his actions, or lack of action. Unhappy MIL, disappointed children, unhappy wife. When he has to wear being the bad guy, I bet it changes.

I understand how it works being the family organiser OP. I do it too. DH does other things. I don't feel the need to make some feminist point by refusing to do what is traditionally wife work. It's just one of the jobs that is mine because that's how the division of responsibility falls.

I agree with you

Just because she gave birth to your husband doesn't mean she can't talk to you!

And don't people find it's easier if mainly one person does the organising?

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree or he's just his mother🤣

Have you explicitly said "Margaret the kids love seeing you, but your Son is utterly useless at checking diaries or passing on messages so please text me so the kids didn't miss out on seeing you

😆😆

I’d decide Dh now had to change. Dh, your mum is mad at me and your kids upset because YOU can’t read a calendar. So you are going to start. Now. Open it and look at what is on for the weekend. Don’t book anything that clashes. You need to check this every day. keep pissing me off by making plans we can’t do with your mum and you will be booking your work appts too, I’m feeling very taken for granted and copping all the blame here, and am not going to continue with thankless tasks you show zero appreciation for by ignoring that the calendar exists. Then maybe we lose the house if you can’t book a work appts, so be it. That will be on you to explain to everyone.

and when he comes to sit down for dinner- have you looked at our family calendar? Oh so you’re fine with your mum being pissed off at me for your failings? No dinner for you until you check the calendar. Come back when you have.

training men to not take you for granted is shitty work but necessary for marital survival in my opinion.

So how do you know who made plans first out of you and DH? Do you tell him we’re doing xxx at the weekend? Or do you put it in the calendar without discussing it?

Does he ever get the chance to make plans first?

Tbh, the easiest thing would be for you to make a family WhatsApp group of you, DH and MIL.

Your DH sounds useless, this is nothing to do with Mil. Of course she is going to ask him instead of you, you are not her son.

Love how you threw her under the bus though when it should have been your DH, his got you mugged right off.

Because you’re using every excuse under the sun to justify why it’s fine that your DH doesn’t check plans before making them…and on the same breath claiming it’s ‘crazy’ when people do exactly that

Mil doesn't need to listen to OP because she expects her son to listen to his own wife and mother of his kids.

The fact he doesn't want to is not the Mil's problem, it's very much the OP's.

And if the Mil stops trying to make him man up, she'll end up enabling his shit behaviour just like the OP does.

Yes, I have said this almost word for word only much more apologetically. I have not in any way been rude or impatient with her and have expressed my gratitude for her taking them out at all. She still works full time in a demanding job despite being closer to 70 than 60 and yet still finds time to lavish attention and cash on all 9 of her grandchildren, even taking them on holiday. I am simply doing 2 things: informing her that I am the one who has the role of organising the calender (as someone excellently put it - these things evolve naturally in a marriage) and requesting, for everyone's sake that she run her plans past me first.
I do not blame anything on her, I do not enable my husband's incompetence in this particular area of his life. My husband does care about his kids.

And as a passionate feminist I will not echo the exact words I have read here but I do share their sentiment. Its all very well saying I shouldn't be blaming a woman for a man's incompetence but you can't really say that whilst also blaming me for a man's incompetence and demanding I be responsible for his changes without being a massive hypocrite.

The last part wasn't aimed at you, sleepingstandingup, I just got a little carried away 😂

I’m the MIL in this situation. Most plans of getting together are organised between my DIL and myself. She does the communication with me for all the babysitting and just about everything really . Son just now and again . I would ask her if I want to take DGC out for the day, not my son , as he is working all odd hours . I think we are lucky because we get on .

He can work it, he just can’t be arsed.

Give her access to the calendar - tell the pair of them that they need to a) WhatsApp you on the new family group you have created and b) put it in the calendar

Unless these 2 steps happen it is not a date

Then either one of them can do it and you don’t need to involve yourself in that

The difference is you're happy to enable his incompetence but your MIL isn't.

Be more MIL.

You should have known better than to post on here if you wanted a balanced view.......here come the men haters making it all about what a shit he is......personally she's no right to be upset if she didn't ask you first, she should be upset at her DS. Maybe next time she'll ask you. Say to your DH that if she asks again he's to tell her......I don't know you'd better ask my DW. It's disrespectful of them both to leave you out of her plans as if you don't deserve to be included.

Actually there is no difference.

Neither of us are responsible for his behaviour.