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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist MIL asks me, not DH, when making plans that involve my kids?

377 replies

Maree1986 · 21/07/2023 22:22

Just to be clear, this is not a MIL-bashing thread. She's great, and a loving, involved grandmother. I'm lucky and I know not everyone has decent grandparents in their children's lives.

BUT whenever she wants to do something with the kids, she naturally asks DH, her son, and not me.

I am the one who organises the family calender and their lives, not him. He will just say yes, should be fine, and then immediately forgets the whole thing, and never mentions it to me.

Now, I KNOW that the actual person in the wrong here is DH but since that's what he's like I have said to MIL that it would be easier for everyone if she just went through me.

So last week we were together, me, her and the kids and she announces to the kids that she's taking them to the cinema this weekend! Absolute first I've heard of it and she gets the kids all excited. I said, no, I'm really sorry, but I've got something else on and it's all booked and paid for, you need to ask ME when you arrange stuff. She got all huffy.

Is it an unreasonable request? Obviously I am pissed at DH too, I'm not putting all the blame on her, but I don't know why she can't just do it.

OP posts:
LovePoppy · 23/07/2023 19:55

berryhol · 23/07/2023 18:47

It’s really nice she wants to spend time with her grandchildren and had the courtesy to ask. Just suggest as your husband is useless, she discuss with you instead

Have you read any of the OPs posts?? That’s the issue. MIL won’t talk to HER

TheTruthWillSetYouFreeMaybe · 23/07/2023 20:21

have Same problem. DH forgets and then either insists he told me or shrugs and says, does it matter. MIL knows her son is shit at telling me about her arrangements - in fact, anything. She shrugs and says ‘I should have learnt by now shouldn’t I?’ I am convinced she makes arrangements with him cos she knows he cannot say no to her, even when it means changing our plans. TBH I am annoyed at both of them

Alleycat1 · 23/07/2023 21:00

In this case OP's plans are booked and paid for, presumably the cinema isn't. O P hasn't suggested that her plans always overrule her MIL's.

LadyBird1973 · 23/07/2023 21:01

Since you are the primary cater, it's polite for your mil to ask you if she wants to take the kids anywhere.
If she refuses to do this, then it's tough luck if you have other plans.

This doesn't change the fact that your husband is a useless man child though.

When mils plans don't come to fruition because your husband hasn't bothered to look at the calendar or run them past you, tell mil to take it up with him! If she wants to take the kids out, she'll learn to talk to the person who actually looks after them.

I'd do nothing differently frankly.

Airspice · 23/07/2023 21:08

Yes this is on DH as many have pointed out but OP has asked MIL to run plans by her and not DH in future as he is fecking useless, but MIL is still choosing to ignore that and still tell her DS instead so they are both to blame really.

LadyBird1973 · 23/07/2023 21:09

And I don't think your mil is that nice if she's deliberately refusing to make arrangements with the person who is primarily responsible for the children. Seems like there might be a quiet power battle going on. But she's cutting her nose off to spite her face if she won't talk to you.

Anniegetyourgun · 23/07/2023 21:33

I've only come across this thread this evening, and was thinking my God there were some live ones on when it first started. Then sanity gradually re-asserted itself. But now the circle turns again...

OP, don't forget to cancel the cheque!

Keeper11 · 23/07/2023 21:51

I am a MIL, I never ask for the kids but I am often asked to babysit/childmind etc. I make my plans and tell/ask MY SON. It never crosses my mind to have to repeat the plans to my DIL. If they can’t communicate that is not my problem. And it’s not necessarily your DH to blame, why doesn’t he tell you? Laziness, forgetfulness or do you maybe just very slightly resent your MILs presence? So it’s just easier not to tell you.

LadyBird1973 · 23/07/2023 21:52

It would be your problem though @Keeper11 if you were the one who wanted the kids but couldn't have them because you'd not cleared it with the parent who does the childcare!

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/07/2023 22:10

Keeper11 · 23/07/2023 21:51

I am a MIL, I never ask for the kids but I am often asked to babysit/childmind etc. I make my plans and tell/ask MY SON. It never crosses my mind to have to repeat the plans to my DIL. If they can’t communicate that is not my problem. And it’s not necessarily your DH to blame, why doesn’t he tell you? Laziness, forgetfulness or do you maybe just very slightly resent your MILs presence? So it’s just easier not to tell you.

Clearly not easier if the DIL is the one that organises all the children’s activities though…

AshtonsMummy2017 · 23/07/2023 22:16

No there’s nothing unreasonable about trying to make a busy life a little easier for yourself. I get it, why should it be you having to say no to her and nag him just because he can’t check a calendar and even though she knows he messes up multiple times she still won’t check in with you, why? That would annoy me to personally, your family and have a good relationship so it really shouldn’t be an issue.

I really don’t know why everyone is so hostile on here sometimes, you came to vent a little, I get you. Perhaps just give her access to the calendar too and then if the same happens tell them that it’s not your problem it’s theirs.

Mummabear89 · 23/07/2023 22:16

I do understand how you feel in this scenario. Could it be worth saying to MIL 'we have plans on X, Y & X dates during X month but feel free to let me know any dates that you want so that I can add them to our calendar, MaleMaree will likely forget to write it down or pass on the information' and just do this at the beginning or end of each month? Appreciate if this isn't possible or would make everyone feel uncomfortable. It might not work but could be worth a try.

PuppyMonkey · 23/07/2023 22:26

You all sound like knob ends tbh. Just leave MIL and DH to their crap arrangement-making and carry on with your life.

Sunflowerinthewind · 23/07/2023 22:34

I would put my foot down with the both of them. Would say if a plan is not on the calendar it doesn’t exist!

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 24/07/2023 07:22

Sharing calendars/the OP telling her MIL when she has plans with the children is overstepping IMO.

This is a grandparent (kindly) wanting to take their grandchildren out. They aren't in some co parenting thrupple, where all have equal rights and access to the children.

If MIL wants to take the children out, she needs to ask OP.

Yes, we all know her DH is shit for not being able to simply check a diary or inform her of any plans straight away, but so is the MIL - she's been told it's best to go through OP and is refusing to.

berryhol · 24/07/2023 08:01

LovePoppy · 23/07/2023 19:55

Have you read any of the OPs posts?? That’s the issue. MIL won’t talk to HER

Show quote history

She doesn’t say that. She says her MIL is kind and naturally goes to her husband. Reading down it looks like she had suggested before that she speak to her and not DH but that didn’t work. I would do it again but stress why it’s important

jannier · 24/07/2023 08:53

Why so much drama....DH mucked up so say in front of both him and mil this is why I asked you to come straight to me DH is too busy/lazy/can't be arsed to look at the calendar

EhrlicheFrau · 24/07/2023 09:43

You're annoyed at the wrong person. DH is the issue, not MIL.

Harry12345 · 24/07/2023 17:10

I think OP is getting a hard time, loads of sahms take on the kids plans while some dads work full time.(not all) My partner works crazy hours and struggles and is hopeless with planning or knowing what kids are doing. He works, makes dinner, does shopping, cleans on days off, does all the gardening, takes son to football and swimming, does all diy and car stuff. Should I leave him just because he is rubbish at knowing what the kids diaries are? I’ve got on at him and moaned but he just isn’t very good at it and that’s ok as I’m rubbish at cooking and role playing with kids. He should say to her but the fact that he doesn’t doesn’t mean that he’s hopeless with everything.

LadyBird1973 · 24/07/2023 17:33

The problem though @Harry12345 , is that he's agreeing to plans and then not running it past the OP, who is the primary carer. It's basic manners.
I also think mil is rude - she knows the OP looks after the kids but won't talk to her directly. I can see where the dh got his lack of manners from!

But mil is cutting off her nose to spite her face - if she won't talk to the person who manages the kids and agree plans with her, then it's tough luck when she doesn't have them at the time she'd like!

Harry12345 · 24/07/2023 17:46

LadyBird1973 · 24/07/2023 17:33

The problem though @Harry12345 , is that he's agreeing to plans and then not running it past the OP, who is the primary carer. It's basic manners.
I also think mil is rude - she knows the OP looks after the kids but won't talk to her directly. I can see where the dh got his lack of manners from!

But mil is cutting off her nose to spite her face - if she won't talk to the person who manages the kids and agree plans with her, then it's tough luck when she doesn't have them at the time she'd like!

I agree, husband should be sharing it but it’s not ops responsibility if she’s asked. At the end of the day if my son was that hopeless I’d be going through my dil to save any issues, isn’t a hard ask the way everyone of making it out to be. Also his mother and father brought him up not op

Kaiserchief · 24/07/2023 17:59

The problem is your husband, not his mum.

I do they family diary here but my ILs would never dream of taking the kids out anywhere so it’s not an issue here 😫😂

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 24/07/2023 18:20

The problem is her DH, and her MIL.

OP has asked her to confirm plans with her, rather than him, and she's ignored that.

Frankenpug23 · 24/07/2023 19:14

The issue is your husband, not your MIL - I think you have blamed the wrong person here. This is totally on your DH.

amyds2104 · 25/07/2023 12:19

If your DH is rubbish is at communicating do you think your MIL wants to speak to her son about the children because she wants a reason to speak to him? She should totally confirm with you too and I put YANBU on the vote and like the idea of a WhatsApp group. Even if your husband puts the information on there and the responsibility isn’t with your MIL.

I think there’s a strong difference between mothers and their sons communication and their daughters once a child grows up and I know my mums relationship with my brother is different to mine and when he has children she would jump at any opportunity to speak to him: be it to make plans etc.

MIL may be in rose tinted glasses about how useless her son is at organising too but DH is definitely the problem!