To insist MIL asks me, not DH, when making plans that involve my kids?

[Maree1986]

Just to be clear, this is not a MIL-bashing thread. She's great, and a loving, involved grandmother. I'm lucky and I know not everyone has decent grandparents in their children's lives.

BUT whenever she wants to do something with the kids, she naturally asks DH, her son, and not me.

I am the one who organises the family calender and their lives, not him. He will just say yes, should be fine, and then immediately forgets the whole thing, and never mentions it to me.

Now, I KNOW that the actual person in the wrong here is DH but since that's what he's like I have said to MIL that it would be easier for everyone if she just went through me.

So last week we were together, me, her and the kids and she announces to the kids that she's taking them to the cinema this weekend! Absolute first I've heard of it and she gets the kids all excited. I said, no, I'm really sorry, but I've got something else on and it's all booked and paid for, you need to ask ME when you arrange stuff. She got all huffy.

Is it an unreasonable request? Obviously I am pissed at DH too, I'm not putting all the blame on her, but I don't know why she can't just do it.

Do you have a family calendar so your dh can check before he agrees

Apps and calendars aside, why on earth would you not just talk to each other?

Mil makes arrangements through dh, and he automatically asks me if that suits before agreeing. Works vice versa too.

Google calendar.

This is on your husband.

Why is he so helpless? I can’t stand this weaponised incompetence, and women enabling it. Adults should be able to sort their own shit out.

This whole thread is everybody acting like the DH is terrible for not sharing his plan for the DC to go to the cinema with his mother.

It doesn't sound like the OP shared with her DH her plan to take the DC somewhere else.

They are both parents of the DC and they are both making plans for the DC and not sharing them with each other. Why is he an imbecile and the OP is not? Why is she the one with a 'DH problem'?

I think they should be communicating more effectively with each other and that if they double book without letting each other know again it shouldn't automatically be the OP's plans that happen and the DH that is made out to be the problem.

Tbf, I'd be more pissed if my partner agreed to plans without running it past me first. And vice versa.
It's not difficult to say ' not sure if we/they are free - I'll let you know'

That's actually a really excellent point.

I've just read whole thread..that is really odd tbh, why must she check with you first? I’m confused, is your DH not allowed to make plans for his own kids or is it that you had already pre planned something on that/those days?

Yup

You can't unilaterally have a family calendar that only one of the two parents is onboard with using.

Your husband sounds useless as fuck if he simply can’t say, ‘my mum arranged for the kids to do XYZ next Sunday.’ Your MIL isn’t actually doing wrong

This is exactly what I think, I don’t get it, why ask her first unless plans were already made & DH didn’t know/realise. I’m more than happy for my PIL to make arrangements with DH to have our DC

OP: did your DH know that you had plans for the weekend when his mum spoke to him about the cinema?

I would bat It back to her. “Oh really? Did you arrange that with DH? Maybe talk to him again because he seems to have forgotten that the kids are doing xyz this weekend, maybe get back to him and see what he says?”

Why blame Mil when it is very clearly DH fault?

This
There are so many posts on here from women who are complaining that they're assumed to be the default parent.
His mum is assuming her had equal responsibility for the kids. It's up to him to discuss it with you

You are enabling your dh and blaming for mil

Just create a WhatsApp group between the three of you. Sorted.

Let me guess... you iron his shirts cos he's no good at that.
You sort the kids in the morning / evening cos he's no good at that
You organise the meals cos he's no good at that

There are so many posts on here from women who are complaining that they're assumed to be the default parent.

Absolutely that. I wouldn't be able to even count the number of times MNers state that DHs shoul be responsible for dealing withe their Mums and complain that the MIL contacts them for everything instead of talking to their son.

Just because you've enabled your DH's incompetence doesn't mean his Mum has to. She's expecting him to be a grown up, as she should.

Family Google calendar accessible on both your and DH phones. We can always see at a glance if there are already plans.

we also always talk to one another and check we have everything on the calendar.

No. I don't iron, he doesn't wear shirts, and housework is shared equally theoretically but actually he does much more than me because he is a lot cleaner and tidier than I am and I am shit at housework.
I do bedtimes, he does mornings (getting them ready, making them breakfast etc)
I do do all the cooking.

Your MIL arranges stuff
Your kids are excited
You are annoyed and embarrassed
Your dh lives in blissful ignorance

Think it’s obvious who needs to get their act together.

Hmmm

When does this man actually think for himself?!?

It's not your mil's fault that your DH doesn't communicate effectively with you. Why aren't you holding him to the standard you expect of her? An alternative question would be 'why can't my DH communicate with me over plans for our children?" One I consider more appropriate.

Jeez poor MILs can’t do right for doing wrong can they? Always their fault when the communication lines are crossed. Sort your own shit out first before blaming a granny who is doing a nice thing and thought she had checked first. 🙄