To insist MIL asks me, not DH, when making plans that involve my kids?

[Maree1986]

Just to be clear, this is not a MIL-bashing thread. She's great, and a loving, involved grandmother. I'm lucky and I know not everyone has decent grandparents in their children's lives.

BUT whenever she wants to do something with the kids, she naturally asks DH, her son, and not me.

I am the one who organises the family calender and their lives, not him. He will just say yes, should be fine, and then immediately forgets the whole thing, and never mentions it to me.

Now, I KNOW that the actual person in the wrong here is DH but since that's what he's like I have said to MIL that it would be easier for everyone if she just went through me.

So last week we were together, me, her and the kids and she announces to the kids that she's taking them to the cinema this weekend! Absolute first I've heard of it and she gets the kids all excited. I said, no, I'm really sorry, but I've got something else on and it's all booked and paid for, you need to ask ME when you arrange stuff. She got all huffy.

Is it an unreasonable request? Obviously I am pissed at DH too, I'm not putting all the blame on her, but I don't know why she can't just do it.

Yeah, the whole thread title should be about your husband. This isn't about your MILs actions

We have a family whatsapp but there's lots of people in it because DH has three siblings, and each one of them has a spouse and kids. There's 9 grandkids in total so she takes them out at different times and likes to arrange individually.

It sounds like there isn't as such a family calendar. If only one parent uses it and the other doesn't then it isn't a family calendar, it's a wish list for one of the two parents.

Did you tell your DH about your plans with the kids when you booked it?

Not her DH's plans - her MILs plans.

I think as your DH failed here, you should cancel your plans to allow mil’s to go ahead and recoup the cost from him. Maybe he’ll learn if it hits him directly in the pocket

You know you can have more than one whatsapp group, right?

Just start another for the three of you.

This, in a nutshell ^^

I think your DH needs to be less strategically useless, and you need to stop enabling it.

Just set up another group with just the relevant people for arrangements with your children.

It's almost as though one of you could start another family WA group...

We do!! But he's shit!! Says he can't work it!!
I'm about to get crucified aren't I 😆

Why do you expect your MIL to change her behaviour, but you don't expect your DH to, when it's clearly him that's in the wrong? I feel sorry for your MIL.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her to expect you and DH to communicate and while I’m sure you do what works it seems unbalanced as you have all the mental load.

Her dh arranged something to happen with the kids - going to the cinema with their gran.

Op arranged something else.

Op has a rule that it goes on the family calendar. Ops dh doesn't have that rule. It's a bit of a mess but I don't see why one parent's plans necessarily trump the other parent's plans.

Your MIL is doing exactly what many would want.

It creates so much wifework when your partner doesn't handle his side of the family, while you handle yours.

And why do you alone have responsibility for the calendar?

Seriously -this is a DH problem. Assuming he is an otherwise competent adult with a normal IQ, he should be able to take her request, check the calendar, and put the booking on the calendar. The problem is the weaponised/ strategic incompetence in just saying yes without checking the calendar, or adding it to the calendar.

'That's just what he's like' is the siren cry of every woman making excuses for a useless man... time to make the buck stop where it's deserved - your DH.

Oh come on. You know YABVU. You married him. Chose to have kids with him. Start expecting more from him than fucking incompetence and stop blaming another woman for his failures.

As others have said, get a calendar app where you can mark who's doing what, when, and make your OH download it too - and most importantly, check before agreeing to things! We use FamilyWall but I'm sure there are other/better ones.

Actually I run our business so I make his work appointments too... and tell him when they are... and remind him...

Why can't your partner communicate with you?

Starr another What group for you two and Mil.

Maybe I’m not the majority but my MIL always makes plans to see our DC with my DH, I wouldn’t expect her to check with me, we have equal responsibility so if he makes arrangements with his DM then all good with me, similarly my DM would ask me.

This is a good suggestion - a whatsapp group with just you, MIL & DH would help in the interim.

(But your DH's behaviour would drive me bonkers!) :-)

I think you're being excessively confrontational with your MIL. She shouldn't be involved in what you and your DH do about communicating your plans and she clearly doesn't want to be. It’s correct that she should go through her son.

Sort him out and leave her out of it.

The calendar clearly isn't working, so why pretend it is? Find another way of syncing with your husband. Ask him each day as part of making breakfast or something. Not everyone is a calendar person.