To insist MIL asks me, not DH, when making plans that involve my kids?

[Maree1986]

Just to be clear, this is not a MIL-bashing thread. She's great, and a loving, involved grandmother. I'm lucky and I know not everyone has decent grandparents in their children's lives.

BUT whenever she wants to do something with the kids, she naturally asks DH, her son, and not me.

I am the one who organises the family calender and their lives, not him. He will just say yes, should be fine, and then immediately forgets the whole thing, and never mentions it to me.

Now, I KNOW that the actual person in the wrong here is DH but since that's what he's like I have said to MIL that it would be easier for everyone if she just went through me.

So last week we were together, me, her and the kids and she announces to the kids that she's taking them to the cinema this weekend! Absolute first I've heard of it and she gets the kids all excited. I said, no, I'm really sorry, but I've got something else on and it's all booked and paid for, you need to ask ME when you arrange stuff. She got all huffy.

Is it an unreasonable request? Obviously I am pissed at DH too, I'm not putting all the blame on her, but I don't know why she can't just do it.

You say she got all huffy after being informed of the plans that her grandchildren already had.
Was she huffy at you or at her son, who seems to be the common denominator here for mucking everyone around?

You see he mucked his kids around (they thought they were going to go to the cinema, but you already had plans), he mucked you around (because he didn't check with you and promised his mum something that he wasn't able to deliver) and he messed his mum around too, yet he gets off Scott free.

Can you start using a shared family calendar online that he can use on his phone so that he can check that and put events in and stuff? Might that help?

I know everyone is right and that it's a DH problem and not a MIL problem
It's not like I don't say anything to DH. I tell him he needs to sort it out and it's not fuckimg good enough and highly irritating that he never looks at the calender (which by the way is also a work calander as we have our own business which os why I run it because I work from home and am the ine with the kids the majority of the time and because I run the office) BUT the fact is right now, nothing is changing so surely its in the KID'S best interests for MIL to communicate with me, no matter who is right or wrong?

This sounds like a communication problem between you and your husband. Why didn't you tell him you had made plans for the children at the weekend? Why didn't he tell you he had made plans for the children for the weekend?

It shouldn't be up to his mother to compensate for your (plural) communication issues. I'd be quite embarrassed if I were you!

This absolutely.

Ah so we discovered how he's developed a severe case of "learned incompetence".

Tell him the next time he gets to disappoint his own kids.

They'll soon stop believing a word that comes out of his mouth.

It does sound like you want the control of organising the kids lives. Your husband badly needs to step up though. I doubt there's anything wrong with his capabilities. Are you willing to step back and give yourself less to do?

Does your DH feel any of the blow back when your MiL gets huffy? Instead of trying to control who she tells I would refuse to take any of the blame. If she gets huffy say (probably not quite so bluntly) - [MiL], don't blame me for [your son] not caring enough about your offer to bother putting it in the calendar. I'm tired of taking the flack for his laziness, it's unfair of you.

I insist that MIL goes through DH, not me, as I refuse to perpetuate the wifework.
I don't want my DC to grow up thinking men are absolved of planning activities, arranging dentist appointments or buying birthday gifts.

MIL still asks me about dates and I say check with your son, he is just as capable of looking at a calendar as I am (and gas more time on his hands to do so but she'd never believe that).

The problem is your DH.

OP: did your DH know that you had plans for the weekend when his mum spoke to him about the cinema?

This is an important point.

But in general, assuming your DH has no memory issues, have you tried telling him that his appointments are his own responsibility (and meaning it)? He won’t learn to manage his own time if you always do it for him. It might not be weaponised incompetence, so much as a bad habit exacerbated by lack of practice.

Responses here are annoying.

From what it sounds like, OP sorts out the DCs' leisure activities and plans fun things for them to do at weekends etc because her DH doesn't and wouldn't think to.

MIL hasn't done anything wrong but DH didn't make any plans, ffs. MIL asked him about the cinema, he presumably agreed and then said nothing to anyone in his family about the cinema plans. So, first of all, they're not his plans. Second of all, even if we say they are his plans, the reason OP's pre-booked visit out trumps them is because she organises all the DCs' activities, I bet down to party invites and present-buying, with no input or interest from her DH. As a result, DH needs to run things past OP to check if his children are busy, since it sounds as though he wouldn't have a clue.

It's not on MIL, OP, it's on your DH, as others point out. However, you're not in the wrong for wanting your pre-booked plans to be the priority, given that the situation is not your fault either and you sort out everything socially/leisure-wise for your DC.

There is nothing you can say to justify you putting the onus on your MIL rather than your DH.

Whatever you say to excuse him you can just as easily apply to your MIL.

If he doesn’t get the issue, let him deal with the consequences. Cross MIL, having to take DC hither and thither at short notice, whatever it is.

This is nothing to do with your MIL at all. Leave her be. Sort your own shit out with your DH.

The good news is you can have more than one WhatsApp group with the same people….so you just need to set up one for the three of you and use that for making arrangements

I don't agree, I think DH needs to be better at communicating with you and with his mother. I don't think women should be the ones maintaining the comms with PILs - but then I also have the same view when it comes to buying them birthday presents etc... why should it be me sorting. Men are more than capable of arranging gifts - and logistics.

BUT the fact is right now, nothing is changing so surely its in the KID'S best interests for MIL to communicate with me, no matter who is right or wrong?

You can't be serious, surely?

Your husband is the kid's FATHER. If he's not interested in what's best for his kids, don't try to push that onto his mother ffs.

Well yes usually plans made first trump other ones.

Same issue here. Mentioned we couldn't get Kew tickets in passing on a phone call - MIL pays over the odds to get them. We've booked for Lapland that weekend. It was a few years ago, but she still mentions it and she refsued to sell on.

What am I pushing on her though?
Asking that she asks me instead of asking him?
Is that difficult?
If that's the way we do things in our family, for whatever reason, why can't I ask her to what works for us?

OP your DH is lazy talk to your mil and explain it to her she will get it. She probably feels more comfortable asking DS because you are so busy. I would share your diary with her so you both can plan together for future dates. When you are planning a trip out with the children ring her up and ask her if she would like to be slotted in. I understand it's a ball ache and shouldn't have to do it but your DH is useless at planning.

So he can run a business but he doesn’t know how to look at a calendar?

‘Organising the family calendar’ is hardly the job of a FTSE100 CEO, I’m sure he can also organise the family calendar.

I always find it interesting how these men manage to hold down decent jobs yet their brains fall out when doing a simple domestic task. I wonder why that could possibly be

“If that's the way we do things in our family, for whatever reason, why can't I ask her to what works for us?”

In other words I have no intention of calling my DH out so I will include MIL in covering for his uselessness. 🙄

My sister lives in Australia and made plans to fly over here to for her son's birthday without checking with us because he said all he wanted for her birthday was to spend it with his cousin (my son)
A trip half way around the world and 3.5k spent and we are on Holiday the week of his birthday so he very sadly can't have hos birthday wish. Its been planned and booked for over a year.
It's crazy that people do these things without checking!!

Not sure about the comments on here saying the DH has got as much "right" as OP to make arrangements for kids? Feel they've purposefully missed the point. The main carer (in this case the OP) is the person who schedules most of the children's activities, so it is pragmatic that any arrangements go through them, to avoid issues such as this one. It's not like DH is saying "can my mum take kids to cinema" and OP is refusing. OP YANBU to want arrangements to go through you.

Yes your DH is the one in the wrong, but in practice you need MIL and DH to both be on board with arrangement making through you (so all carers / family members are on same page). Perhaps a frank conversation with MIL if you are close enough? I'm lucky my in-laws are nice and I am close to them - I just told them "don't bother making plans with Ben, he doesn't pass the message on". We also have a family WhatsApp which has helped, as others have suggested. Although even with this, I periodically just ask them "when are we next seeing you?". Sometimes they already think they've got a date sorted with Ben, and I'm like "nope, first I've heard of it and I've made plans already, but what about x or x date?". I guess the difference is they never get huffy - they seem to prefer more casual plans than my family make, so are always chill about doing a different day.

Not what I said but OK, if you like.

How much is paying for the flight and hotel?

How about an actual calendar. A thing made out of paper and cardboard that you hang on the wall in the kitchen or stick to the fridge or something.

He could surely work that.

You are perpetuating the sexist attitude that a man can't be expected to either know or care what his children are doing, so the women should sort it out. Women are conditioned to think this, so letting men off the hook. Just as women were once assumed to be incapable of doing the same police work as men or of serving in the armed forces etc.