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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like I hate her

235 replies

Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 22:09

Had an absolute nightmare year. Eldest started Y7 in September and since then we have been dealing with school avoidance due to anxiety. Her attendance ended on 64% with half of that at school but not in lessons. She admitted tonight the past couple of weeks off was because she didn't want to walk to school!!! It's a 20 minute walk! I have been so stressed out and had my antidepressants upped in February when I was signed off with stress due to her school avoidance. I have been signed off again. I'm suffering the physical signs of stress and feel numb all the time. Saw the education officer twice in all that time. Pastoral staff at school have been as helpful as they can be. She's having CBT through mind but has only had a couple of sessions. I have begged Social Services for help as I'm having a nervous breakdown. I feel like I hate her and just looking at her is difficult after everything she has put me through. I don't know how I can get through the holidays but I have my younger child to think of. I dont want to do anythingwith her. I'm dreading September already as I know its all going to happen again.

OP posts:
TotalllyTireddd · 21/07/2023 22:22

Aww OP, I can see this is v stressful for you.

However, your daughter needs you. She needs to know you are putting HER first, and not guilt tripping her for causing you stress. You need to find the root of the problem. Maybe she doesn't want to walk to school because she's bullied on the way? Or maybe she's really unfit and gets tired/out of breath? Or maybe she's awkward in her own skin and doesnt want people to see her? You need to find the reason, then help her overcome it.

Maybe seek some therapy for yourself, but don't show your daughter you r stressed, it will make her feel a burden and not want to talk to you about her own problems

This summer, focus on your DD. Get to know her, do fun things together, find out what she enjoys and encourage her, go out for coffee together. Spend time bonding and learning to enjoy her company. Then try to find out what's up. She may need to move school if she's being badly bullied or having big issues there. You will need to prioritise this and prioritise her.

💐

Original poster
Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 22:24

She's not being bullied she has confirmed that and so have her friends. It's teenage anxiety and after her revelation I feel like she's played me all year and lied.

OP posts:
Scatterbrainbox · 21/07/2023 22:24

Offering a handhold.
I gave been through 3 years of this with my daughter. She has now been diagnosed with Autism and has an EHCP , so getting plenty of support. Her attendance this term was just under 90%, its been as low as 30.
I ended up signed off work, changing jobs... it's so hard.
One thing I would say, is that high school is such a different environment, if your child has any SEN etc it can easily go under the radar til then.
I'm sure you don't hate her, but you are absolutely at the end of your tether.
I would take the hols to catch your breath and then put some onus onto school.
Is it really that she didn't want to walk? Is there something else? If it's mental health/autism etc she might not really understand why she just feels like she 'can't.
The school are obliged to support her or offer alternative provision, or you can sue them (something called a section 19)
Phone your local council's attendance team and they will push school to support.
As hard as it is, try to show her that you love her for herself, not because of how things are going at school.
My daughter had been a perfect student at primary, it took me some time to understand rhat she needed support and was genuinely too overwhelmed to do certain things.
Most of all be kind to yourself... it's relentless... and everyone around you always feels that they couldsdo better. They bloody couldn't.
How have school been in terms of support?

Original poster
Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 22:26

School have been ok. Can only help her if she's there though. The education welfare officer was useless.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 22:28

I'm on my own with them. Asked thir dad to take her for a while and got a resounding no. He finds the situation I'm in funny.

OP posts:
Kaiserchief · 21/07/2023 22:31

I have a school avoider and it’s absolutely draining. I can’t get signed off as I’m self employed but it’s insanely stressful for the whole family. I don’t have any helpful advice but I want you to know you’re not alone x

TotalllyTireddd · 21/07/2023 22:33

Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 22:24

She's not being bullied she has confirmed that and so have her friends. It's teenage anxiety and after her revelation I feel like she's played me all year and lied.

Anxiety is worry about something. What is she worried about? What is she anxious about?

(As your title to the thread implies, you do sound like you hate her. I feel really sad for her :( You need to turn things around OP. She's a child. She is YOUR child and she needs her mum (to love her and support her))

Scatterbrainbox · 21/07/2023 22:35

Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 22:26

School have been ok. Can only help her if she's there though. The education welfare officer was useless.

They can't say that. They have to try and re-engage her... make referrals to specialist staff etc.
If they say that in a meeting with attendance or SEND staff they will get their backside handed to them...

Original poster
Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 22:38

At the start of all this I was the most supportive mum you've ever seen. She'll walk to the shop when she wants so there's no reason she can't walk to school. The fact she said she said she can't face school as the reason for not going then telling me tonight it's because she couldn't be arsed to walk made me see red!

OP posts:
5128gap · 21/07/2023 22:39

You need help for you OP. You sound like you're on the edge. Family Lives is a good place to start.

Original poster
Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 22:39

SEND lead doesn't care. Had 1 meeting with her after I literally begged. Education Welfare Officer said the same. Can only help if at school.

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 21/07/2023 22:40

I've had similar issues with dd although she's just turned 18 but the last few months with A'levels have been awful- anxiety, sobbing, going to exams and writing nothing. We may as well have written off the last 2 years now. She has few friends and doesn't see anyone. It is very difficult. There seems to be very little help available through her school. I'm glad she has finished school now but then you have to face the next step what do they do afterwards, how do they navigate the next steps when everything is messed up ? Like others have said i know I need to be there for her but also have 3 older kids to think about and their situations are also causing me stress. There is only so much parents can deal with before the stress becomes overwhelming !

Sixmonthcruise · 21/07/2023 22:40

My son is now almost 18. From the age of 11-16 he had school anxiety/refusal. It was one of the most stressful times of my life. The school were of no help and the attendance officer would tell me they could only help once I actually got him into school, I would say how the hell do I physically get a 6 foot tall/ 11 stone young adult into the car, let alone school? And if I did mama he to get him in the car and to the school he’d refuse to get out of it and the year head would do nothing and walk away. They didn’t care and kept threatening me with action. In the end I got ds some counselling via a local charity. It really helped. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, he is working now and drives and is a completely different person. I really feel for you op, my anxiety has never left and I am still suffering with the after effects from those years.

Scatterbrainbox · 21/07/2023 22:41

TotalllyTireddd · 21/07/2023 22:33

Anxiety is worry about something. What is she worried about? What is she anxious about?

(As your title to the thread implies, you do sound like you hate her. I feel really sad for her :( You need to turn things around OP. She's a child. She is YOUR child and she needs her mum (to love her and support her))

Show quote history

I'm sure OP doesn't hate her dd. I am also sure she is mentally exhausted with her. She isn't telling her daughter she hates her. She's using the safe space of an anonymous forum to let her anger and frustration about it out. That's OK.
When you have a school avoider, so many people will make you feel like they are 'playing you', you're not being tough enough etc.
I listened to that for too long and one day when I made her go to school she took herself to the toilets and hurt herself badly.
It was a running point and I fought like I don't know what from that point.
OP, have you tried taking her to the GP to ask about mental health support? There are some goog self help sites like Kooth too.

Original poster
Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 22:42

Koith don't cover our area. Been to the GP 3 times. Had 2 camhs referrals. 1st ended with referral to Mind for CBT 2nd time when things got worse in Feb she didn't meet criteria

OP posts:
Original poster
Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 22:43

She has been physically aggressive with me and her sibling too

OP posts:
Scatterbrainbox · 21/07/2023 22:44

Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 22:43

She has been physically aggressive with me and her sibling too

Is this only since high school?

Original poster
Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 22:45

No she's been awful.with her sibling for the past few years. Only physical with me when discussing school or she's very upset about something.

OP posts:
Scatterbrainbox · 21/07/2023 22:51

Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 22:45

No she's been awful.with her sibling for the past few years. Only physical with me when discussing school or she's very upset about something.

Does she have any other signs of autism etc... massive food fussiness, stickler for routine, social anxiety, inflexible Outlook, struggles to see things from others' poverty?
I'm just thinking I would probably complain to the governors.

I am a former teacher and work in a SEND specialist role, the school are absolutely wrong in saying they can't help if she doesn't come in.

Really the school should make an early help referral... this is a low level social care support but nothing to do with concerns about your parenting etc. It's basically about pushing agencies (school, camhs, attendance service, GP, send lead) to work together. It just means that the school are held more accountable.

I work in this field and still found it horrific to navigate.

Please feel free to PM me.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 21/07/2023 22:51

Lots of people in your situation deregister them and home educate instead. It can work wonders for improving their mental health.

Original poster
Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 22:52

The education welfare officer was supposed to do an early help referral. I rang them 4 weeks after it had supposedly been done and guess what she never did it!

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Titsywoo · 21/07/2023 22:52

Sounds very much like autism to me - is there anyway you can pay privately for an assessment or move her to a school with a decent SEN dept? I know I'm making it sound easy when it isn't - I have 2 autistic children so know the system is very flawed.

Original poster
Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 22:54

I don't want to home educate. She needs to be in a social setting for school as she doesn't do anything else. Even now refuses to go to my mum and sisters with me. I make her go to her dad's every other weekend as I need the break selfish as that sounds.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 22:56

I can't afford a private assessment and no one I've turned to feels the need to assess her. People rave about the SEN department at her school but it seems they only bother with children with a diagnosis.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 21/07/2023 23:02

You can do a parental request for an EHCP which would start off with an assessment from an educational Psychologist who would start the ball rolling for an ADHD/Autism assesment.
Her lack of attendance alone would be requirement enough to say she is struggling.

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