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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel like I hate her

235 replies

Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 22:09

Had an absolute nightmare year. Eldest started Y7 in September and since then we have been dealing with school avoidance due to anxiety. Her attendance ended on 64% with half of that at school but not in lessons. She admitted tonight the past couple of weeks off was because she didn't want to walk to school!!! It's a 20 minute walk! I have been so stressed out and had my antidepressants upped in February when I was signed off with stress due to her school avoidance. I have been signed off again. I'm suffering the physical signs of stress and feel numb all the time. Saw the education officer twice in all that time. Pastoral staff at school have been as helpful as they can be. She's having CBT through mind but has only had a couple of sessions. I have begged Social Services for help as I'm having a nervous breakdown. I feel like I hate her and just looking at her is difficult after everything she has put me through. I don't know how I can get through the holidays but I have my younger child to think of. I dont want to do anythingwith her. I'm dreading September already as I know its all going to happen again.

OP posts:
WildUnchartedWaters · 22/07/2023 01:13

Everything shes put YOU through?! 🙄

WildUnchartedWaters · 22/07/2023 01:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ToWhitToWhoo · 22/07/2023 01:34

I can't add much to the advice you've already been given; but it's really VERY unlikely that her school refusal is just because she can't be bothered to walk for 20 minutes. Even if she says so! And if it is true, it implies some medical problem. because a healthy young person would not dislike walking to that extent. Could this be used to get her a further medical evaluation?

slore · 22/07/2023 01:38

I've got a feeling she's still not being honest with you. Not wanting to walk to school is a ridiculous reason.

Is she aware of the importance of her education, and that she's actively ruining her own life? The better education she gets, the more options will be open to her as an adult. I wish the importance of education had been impressed on me as a child. Now I'm 32 and a mature student.

Coffeeandcats5 · 22/07/2023 02:04

Sorry you are going through this. I went through something similar a few years ago with my daughter!.. she started refusing to go to school, many reasons were given. After a while, she stopped lookin after herself (ie. Having showers, wearing clean clothes).. this was throughout the pandemic so all services were stopped and school wasn’t doing anything… she ended up feeling suicidal, so we ended in the hospital! CAMHS got involved, gave her like a mentoring program. I know a few people that had this for their kids and worked fine, it didn’t for mine. She then took and overdose of painkillers, but i got her in time to the hospital. CAMHS was involved yet again, this time with proper counselling! So she has been going to counselling for 2 years, after the first year family counselling was offered so we have been goin to that counselling as well (it’s been a year). These 2 have worked for us.

I feel for you. I was going through all the emotions too. Anger, sadness, stress, you name it. The worst feeling was being scared (that you can’t help your child, no matter how hard you try). I also resented her (how could she do this to us, why is she doing this, etc)… I ended up burnt out, exhausted! So I begged for some counselling for me as well! This counselling has been a game changer!! So please, get yourself some counselling as well!!

If there is a women centre like womans aid, check if they offer counselling! Usually is free of charge.

Dont send her to her dads. It would be the worst thing you can do. She needs you, and this is the way she is crying for help. As hard and heartbreaking as this, you will get through this and your girl will be in a much better place eventually!!

Threenow · 22/07/2023 02:30

TotalllyTireddd · 21/07/2023 23:16

In the nicest possible way, this is NOT all about you...

In the nicest possible way, it actually IS about OP. If her mental health is ignored what use is she to her daughter? What about her other child? Are they supposed to be left dealing with two people with problems?

I have no suggestions OP. When I was young and my friend's children were young there weren't the massive MH issues there seem to be with young people today. I really hope there are people looking into the causes of all this. Please don't pile on to tell me that there were just as many kids with problems then. Those who lived in those times are pretty sure there weren't. Looking back I can think of a couple of kids who would probably be diagnosed with something today, but even they managed to get to school and weren't constantly suffering from anxiety. Something has gone badly, badly, wrong somewhere.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/07/2023 03:08

Notfeelinghunkydory · 22/07/2023 00:00

She knows she can talk to me about anything. We are very open books and no subject is off limits. She hS no reason to lie to me and I believe her that these last 2 weeks she couldn't be arsed. What confuses me is a few weeks ago she attended 2 days on the trot. One was a school trip to the coast for geography and the other sports day which she didn't participate in but watched with her mates who are all in her classes. 2 days that if she was super anxious would be the 2 days she would avoid??? She walked both days no issue.

I know a child, who was able to attend this sort of thing but not school in general. He is now at a small specialist school. He school refused for maybe 2 years to get to this point.

If your dd isn’t able to attend all the lessons when she is at school, it isn’t about the walk to school. Your dd is perhaps focusing on the walk because during the walk she will be feeling anxiety about what happens when she’s at the end of the walk - even if she’s laughing. She just can’t articulate this well.

Autumnsoon · 22/07/2023 04:53

Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 23:15

We are both crying out for help and nobody will help us!

You have to help yourselves
no one can sort this out for you ,she is your responsibility
you need to start researching autism and writing down how it effects her and take it with you to a doctors appointment
you need a referral to camhs ..talk to your doctor ,you need to get her on the waiting list to be assessed for autism
you need to chase up all the people involved ask what they are doing to help and push for help
you need to fill in forms for EHCP and get school on side
you need to stop taking this personally,she isn’t doing this to hurt you ,
your daughter is showing you she can’t cope in a mainstream school ,with an ehcp she could get a place in a specialist provision that would work with what she needs .
only you can change things op ,the system is broken beyond repair ,there’s not enough of any support to go round ,the only children who get their needs met are the ones who’s parents exhausted themselves fighting and never gave up.

Ilikejamtarts · 22/07/2023 06:05

So walking to school is not a problem that can be solved with a lift you've offered and only leads to more excuses anyway so that's one excuse rid off.

Are there any other adults be it it family or your friends who she may feel comfortable talking to? I know you say she can come to you with anything but so could I with my mum and I still didn't for some reason. Is she aware this affecting your mental health Evan in the slightest? If she is that could be making her a bit more closed off to being honest. Is moving schools an option/something she would prefer? Does she know about the fine consequences?

Do you think she meets the requirements for an asd/adhd assessment and if so have you considered the route of your GP and pick your own place through patient choice? Psychiatry uk waiting lists are currently pretty quick especially for kids.

Does she hang out with the friends from school outside of school hours?

Ilikejamtarts · 22/07/2023 06:06

*is a problem that can be solved

Ilikejamtarts · 22/07/2023 06:15

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/07/2023 03:08

I know a child, who was able to attend this sort of thing but not school in general. He is now at a small specialist school. He school refused for maybe 2 years to get to this point.

If your dd isn’t able to attend all the lessons when she is at school, it isn’t about the walk to school. Your dd is perhaps focusing on the walk because during the walk she will be feeling anxiety about what happens when she’s at the end of the walk - even if she’s laughing. She just can’t articulate this well.

Also agree with little dragon. If she could do that then its clearly not going to school itself that is the issue, it must be the environment inside the actual school building that is the issue for her. It really does sound like ASD or Adhd and this is having a knock on affect making her anxiety build up when she knows she is having to face the environment of being inside the school building. I don't think this is one that's going to be solved without an assessment, medication or a much smaller school.

What are the schools thoughts on there being a possibility of Asd or adhd, Have they ever mentioned it?

Dinofuror · 22/07/2023 06:29

You are right there is a lack of support and it is extremely stressful, I do feel for you. From what you've said it does sound like there's more going on than not being bothered to walk, trouble is she might not know or be able to articulate exactly what that is; she's only what 11 or 12? Sometimes things are exasperated during puberty especially in girls. Have you spoken to the GP? They can sometimes get referrals in, it's bad the school aren't doing more though they should at least be engaging with you.

fruitypancake · 22/07/2023 06:46

Could you possibly look into an alternative provision school- these are those that cater for high anxiety, much smaller classes- say 8 students - much less movement , smaller school etc .. sometimes they offer short term placements in which they work with YP to build resilience etc

Inkpotlover · 22/07/2023 07:01

Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 23:53

Yes I've looked on there. It's the lying over the past couple of weeks which has really got to me. She blatantly said she couldn't be bothered to walk.

I get it’s annoying but you know deep down it’s not as simple as her lying and there is nothing blasé about WHY she’s saying it. She’s looking for excuses to mask her fear of going to school.

You both need to take the summer to rest and reboot. But start talking positively about school, about how it’ll be better because she won’t be one of the littlest now she’s in Y8, how the school will seem smaller, how she knows where all the classrooms are now etc. Y7 transition from primary is SO hard anyway, without the anxiety. Y8 is definitely where it got easier for my DD.

And while I know it’s hard, you have to let go of your anger and hate towards her. She’s not doing this on purpose, she has anxiety. She will see what it’s doing to you and feel awful but is mentally powerless right now to overcome it. Enjoy the summer together and at some point you WILL turn a corner.

Roselilly36 · 22/07/2023 07:04

Handhold OP, it’s always when they start high school, juniors always seems to be ok, as I know from my own experience.

You aren’t alone, so many parents find themselves in this position, I know someone who’s daughter hasn’t been to school for the past 6mths, it’s really hard, but the school are being supportive to her mum.

Don’t make yourself ill over it, or let the stress destroy your relationship with DD. Good luck.

TotalllyTireddd · 22/07/2023 07:13

Threenow · 22/07/2023 02:30

In the nicest possible way, it actually IS about OP. If her mental health is ignored what use is she to her daughter? What about her other child? Are they supposed to be left dealing with two people with problems?

I have no suggestions OP. When I was young and my friend's children were young there weren't the massive MH issues there seem to be with young people today. I really hope there are people looking into the causes of all this. Please don't pile on to tell me that there were just as many kids with problems then. Those who lived in those times are pretty sure there weren't. Looking back I can think of a couple of kids who would probably be diagnosed with something today, but even they managed to get to school and weren't constantly suffering from anxiety. Something has gone badly, badly, wrong somewhere.

But OP is not exactly sounding very loving or compassionate towards her young daughter who is only year 7. What does she love about her? How did it get to this point? I know I'm in the minority, but OP sounds really cold to me and I have v little hope for this little girls future or her relationship with mum.

I know this sounds mean and obviously OP is v stressed. Of course I don't want OP to feel stressed and sad. But there are more than enough posters offering support and sympathy.so.im sure me offering an alternative view won't add to her distress.

My feeling is that there are arguments daily, OPs daughter feels hated and a burden, there are few loving and tender discussions, and daughter is responding with anger and stubbornness to mum because she's not feeling heard or cared for. But again, I know most will disagree.

Dibbydoos · 22/07/2023 07:16

You're made to feel like a bad parent aren't you? You feel like you've failed, don't you? So you take it out on your poorly child? Well, don't.

Your child is poorly, get in her corner and support her. Tell school to back off, she's ill. Let them think what they like. You will them stop stressing and be able to function.

How do I know this? I did the same with my ASD child.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Go give your daughter a hug tell her everything will be alright and not to worry about school just focus on the CBT helping her sort her anxiety.

I'd also suggest hypnotherapy but you need a therapist that specialises in getting the anxiety out. Mine did it in one treatment. It came back but for a few years we had respite.

HairMb · 22/07/2023 07:20

My mum hated me and made it known.

it’s very psychologically damaging and I have no friends and can’t get on at work.

We also are estranged.

TotalllyTireddd · 22/07/2023 07:22

HairMb · 22/07/2023 07:20

My mum hated me and made it known.

it’s very psychologically damaging and I have no friends and can’t get on at work.

We also are estranged.

🩷💐

Campingsuperstar · 22/07/2023 07:30

My child often felt like he had pulled the wool over our eyes or tricked us into days off. The reality was while he fixated on different things he struggled to articulate the problem he had with the demands of the classroom environment. When he went more he would just sleep there. He was disproportionately stressed and these were his responses. I would suggest you are the same and that your stress is making you feel so disconnected but the cause is not that you don’t love her anymore than a short walk stopped your daughter from wanting to go to school.

Explore your options including home schooling. That is more realistic than specialist provision who will want an EHCP.

focus on relationship building, everything else is secondary

Shiftingparadigm · 22/07/2023 07:36

TomatoSandwiches · 21/07/2023 23:02

You can do a parental request for an EHCP which would start off with an assessment from an educational Psychologist who would start the ball rolling for an ADHD/Autism assesment.
Her lack of attendance alone would be requirement enough to say she is struggling.

I think you need to do this as well. Avoidance is anxiety, which is a need the education setting need to deal with.

Avoidance could be linked to autism or some other learning need. If you think there are signs of this put them in your application.

A word of warning though, EHCP applications are very frustrating and childrens services are a mess. My son should have his EHCP by now but he hasn't even had an assessment yet. He is 4 and completely non verbal and at the development stage of a 2 year old (at best!). This and the fact that my son is starting mainstream in Sept doesn't bother them at all. They are weeks behind. Another Tory mess. I would still start the process, but you will have to chase them frequently. The school will need to support the LA with information too, so give them a heads up.

I think the walking excuse is a smokescreen and there is something else she isn't telling you. It could just be the school environment altogether and the social dynamic there. I loved my primary, but utterly loathed my senior school!

dottiedodah · 22/07/2023 07:50

This is very stressful.I agree with others that it sounds as if she may have ASD. She may not be bullied as such ,however she may feel uncomfortable there or be struggling to settle in.Girls can mask problems and it not be obvious.However the change to Secondary School can be difficult and sometimes overwhelming .

ontetwo3 · 22/07/2023 07:53

OP, this is such a difficult situation. My youngest son began 'school refusal' in Y7. It seemed to come out of the blue to us. He was always, in our opinion, the stable child. Our eldest was the one with the 'problems' (autism, MH difficulties).

We worked with the head of year, the school social worker (I forget the correct title), and a very helpful head of safeguarding. Eventually, he began to attend and, at that time, it seemed like there was some bullying going on.

Then, after a period of calm at school (he was terribly disturbed at home), our youngest began full scale 'refusal' in Y9. I tried 'old school' methods of dragging him out from under his bed, bundling him into the car and getting him to school, only to have him rush back in the car, lock the doors and refuse to come out.

Those types of approaches were damaging to him in the long term, but I had to try everything. He was diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder and received CBT from CAMHS. CAMHS stopped the treatment because 'he wouldn't engage'. We received tuition from the local authority for five hours a week, in English and Maths. He hid from the tutor for seventy percent of the time.

I could go on, but to summarise, we had an extremely disturbed young man on our hands. I took time off sick, and eventually I was able to work from home.

At home, he needed the environment to be rigidly controlled and predictable. Over the years this got worse. His older brother left to go into residential care, so it was just me and my youngest.

In retrospect, I wish I had stopped when he first started to refuse school and insisted there was some sort of assessment. He coped at primary school because he could camouflage and mask. He could not do this as well at secondary school, and there was some bullying due to his vulnerability. He never really coped.

It is obvious now that he is autistic (like his brother and father) and that his sensory issues, co-occurring anxiety and communication style (he talks incessantly about cars, for example) have been barriers to him making friends and coping. He has, in my opinion, PDA, but since he has refused to engage with services, nothing, apart from the anxiety has been diagnosed.

This has been a long description of my own situation, but I would really advise you to get to the GP. Try to start the assessment process. There is something behind the anxiety and the sensory issues your daughter is experiencing, and this is not likely to go away.

In my experience (and this is only my experience), the school were limited in their approach and the wider LA were seriously lacking in their response to a child essentially going without meaningful education for years. My son is 22 now and has serious mental health problems and the same need to control.

This behaviour and pressure does break you, but your daughter is young enough for you to insist on a more thorough assessment and a more proactive approach to finding what is causing her issues, and how she can be helped.

Apologies for the very long response.

ontetwo3 · 22/07/2023 07:56

Just to add, it is possible to receive an EHCP with a primary need of SEMH (Social Emotional and Mental Health).

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