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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like I hate her

235 replies

Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 22:09

Had an absolute nightmare year. Eldest started Y7 in September and since then we have been dealing with school avoidance due to anxiety. Her attendance ended on 64% with half of that at school but not in lessons. She admitted tonight the past couple of weeks off was because she didn't want to walk to school!!! It's a 20 minute walk! I have been so stressed out and had my antidepressants upped in February when I was signed off with stress due to her school avoidance. I have been signed off again. I'm suffering the physical signs of stress and feel numb all the time. Saw the education officer twice in all that time. Pastoral staff at school have been as helpful as they can be. She's having CBT through mind but has only had a couple of sessions. I have begged Social Services for help as I'm having a nervous breakdown. I feel like I hate her and just looking at her is difficult after everything she has put me through. I don't know how I can get through the holidays but I have my younger child to think of. I dont want to do anythingwith her. I'm dreading September already as I know its all going to happen again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 23:24

No chance of saving up for a private assessment. I'll have a look at EHCP

OP posts:
Scatterbrainbox · 21/07/2023 23:25

TotalllyTireddd · 21/07/2023 23:16

In the nicest possible way, this is NOT all about you...

Show quote history

Don't be silly. Mum is the main supporter trying to re-engage her daughter without all of the knowledge and services available to professionals. I work in related fields and this has still been one of themlost mentally exhausting and upsetting things I have dealt with ( up there with divorce and bereavement) it is absolutely relentless.
It takes a holistic approach To kove thisnforwsrs.
This is someone's life, comments like that are just utterly nasty.

Scatterbrainbox · 21/07/2023 23:27

Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 23:24

No chance of saving up for a private assessment. I'll have a look at EHCP

You will need evidence of her specilal educational needs and that the school have tried a number of strategies of a min of 2 terms to apply for an EHCP.
I think the early help is your best bet to get things moving towards this.

Do you know if they have put an individual education plan in place?

Original poster
Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 23:28

No idea. I ask for meetings. Nothing ever materialises.

OP posts:
Scatterbrainbox · 21/07/2023 23:28

Excuse the typos.. I have had wine !!

Inkpotlover · 21/07/2023 23:30

Huge sympathies, OP. Our DD developed acute anxiety about going to school in Y7 and like yours said it was the noise and busyness that overwhelmed her. The only way I could get her there was to walk her to the gate every day but I'm lucky that I am freelance so I was able to that. The toll on us both was immense, my mental health suffered too. She'd get so upset on the way, but once inside school she calmed down. It was the thought of going that was the issue, so I do believe sending them in consistently is the best thing and your DD's dad needs to step up and do his bit. He's being an absolute arse treating the situation like it's a joke.

Original poster
Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 23:31

He lives an hour and a half away and doesn't give a shit.

OP posts:
Scatterbrainbox · 21/07/2023 23:33

Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 23:28

No idea. I ask for meetings. Nothing ever materialises.

I would make a formal complaint now whilst it's the holidays.
The complaints procedure will be on the school website.
I would complain that your daughter's needs are not being met, that you have asked for an early help and Autism assessment and have been fobbed off and this is having an adverse impact on her mental health.

I would say that what you need to put things right are

  1. Meeting with the senco
2 an individual education plan ( this is what has to be followed for 2 terms before you can apply for ehcp)
  1. Referral for autism assessment... list the behaviours that suggest she has autism.

I would also phone the attendance team at your local authority and say you are going to see a solicitor to sue them under section 19 as they are failing in their duty to provide your daughter with a suitable education. That might give them a kick up the bum too!

Onelifeonly · 21/07/2023 23:33

I get how frustrating this is for you but you need to reframe this as your dd being UNABLE to attend due to anxiety, not as a child being difficult and badly behaved. Maybe it doesn't seem to make sense, and it's likely she can't explain it herself either, so getting angry and hating her is both pointless AND possibly making the whole situation worse for her. Children need to feel their parent is on their side, not seeing them as a nuisance.

I have experienced this during the pandemic after the second school closure. My dd was in year 11 and getting her to school was an almost continual struggle. With her it often boiled down to particular lessons. Maths, for example, was a no go (she used to love maths). Once she told me she didn't know the seating plan and couldn't go for that reason. Then she had a thing about not wanting to go in late, so if she couldn't face the first lesson, the rest of the day was a write off. Etc.

I frequently went to work late after spending time calming, coaxing and convincing her to go later after all, or giving up because I could tell she just wasn't going to go. Certain days she'd go ok due to the lessons that day.

It was a tough time (and hasn't always been easy since - now 18) but I never hated her for it.

Fillyfollyfoofoo · 21/07/2023 23:34

You know OP unless you're in this bloody impossible situation it's impossible to understand how hard it is. I liken it to the people who say "my child will never..." comments from people who don't have children. You are doing the very best you can for your child. Do not let anybody make you feel guilty for trying to get help for yourself to get through this horrible situation. You are doing the best you can!

I have a very intelligent, incredible son who just couldn't cope with school and, if i'm honest, is barely coping now he's left school. I'm now realising he is also doing the best he can do. Some days that isn't very much at all.

Could you use the summer to step back and use it as respite? If your daughter can de-stress by sitting in a dark room and laugh at youtube for 6 weeks so be it. It could be the space you both need.

You may have to deal with bloody tough fights, arguments and challenges in 6 weeks time but that could well be the situation regardless of what you do now. You need a rest... can you step away and give yourself some recovery time.

You are doing the best you can, nobody will ever love and support your daughter more than you do so give yourself time to gather strength for whatever is in the future.

Scatterbrainbox · 21/07/2023 23:34

Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 23:31

He lives an hour and a half away and doesn't give a shit.

My ex was the same. Basically thought I should have just screamed and shouted at her til she went and physically forced her. She's bigger than me!

Scatterbrainbox · 21/07/2023 23:36

Fillyfollyfoofoo · 21/07/2023 23:34

You know OP unless you're in this bloody impossible situation it's impossible to understand how hard it is. I liken it to the people who say "my child will never..." comments from people who don't have children. You are doing the very best you can for your child. Do not let anybody make you feel guilty for trying to get help for yourself to get through this horrible situation. You are doing the best you can!

I have a very intelligent, incredible son who just couldn't cope with school and, if i'm honest, is barely coping now he's left school. I'm now realising he is also doing the best he can do. Some days that isn't very much at all.

Could you use the summer to step back and use it as respite? If your daughter can de-stress by sitting in a dark room and laugh at youtube for 6 weeks so be it. It could be the space you both need.

You may have to deal with bloody tough fights, arguments and challenges in 6 weeks time but that could well be the situation regardless of what you do now. You need a rest... can you step away and give yourself some recovery time.

You are doing the best you can, nobody will ever love and support your daughter more than you do so give yourself time to gather strength for whatever is in the future.

This with bells on.

Original poster
Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 23:36

I feel like I have no fight left in me

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 21/07/2023 23:38

Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 23:36

I feel like I have no fight left in me

Having a child with these difficulties and extra needs is exhausting and there is often no let up but you are not alone x

Scatterbrainbox · 21/07/2023 23:38

Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 23:36

I feel like I have no fight left in me

I've been there.
Sometimes it's all you can do to survive the day.
If you can summon the oomph to do just 1 thing, write that complaint letter to the governors. They will hopefully start pulling some other services in to support you both xx

Changingnameagain · 21/07/2023 23:38

Hi OP sorry to hear things have been so stressful for you and your DD. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do- i would feel same. Just to mention that as a Y7 I dreaded walking the 20 mins to school because I would be ogled, cat called, honked at or whistled at by passing lorry/van drivers. I was a very young Y7 and had led a pretty sheltered life until this point. The experience of walking to school and suffering this harassment made me very anxious to the point I would phone my dad and beg him to collect me from school so I wouldn't have to do the walk back. I never felt able to tell my parents- I don't know why, I think I felt stupid for feeling so scared of it all and that shame made me feel worse. This may not be the or one of the reasons why your DD doesn't want to go into school but it may be worth exploring with her if there's something or someone on the journey she's avoiding/anxious about seeing or anxious about something happening. I hope you can get the support you need for her soon.

LilyLemonade · 21/07/2023 23:45

Gosh OP you are so obviously at the end of the tether. All these posts urging you to do more for your DD when you are running on empty yourself. Hope you are able to find the support you need. Take care x

Original poster
Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 23:45

Thank you

OP posts:
Sensibletrousers · 21/07/2023 23:51

Have only read your posts @Notfeelinghunkydory so apologies if someone has already recommended, but you 100% need to take a look at Not Fine In School.

https://notfineinschool.co.uk/

Two reasons:

  1. to get some insight into what’s really going on for your DD - please don’t give up on her
  2. to get some practical advice on exactly what steps you need to take, what to ask for, who to ask and what your rights are, and what the school’s legal duties are

Knowledge is power

Not Fine in School

Not Fine in School is a parent-led organisation empowering families & raising awareness of school attendance barriers (school refusal/ anxiety/ SEND/ bullying)

https://notfineinschool.co.uk/

Original poster
Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 23:53

Yes I've looked on there. It's the lying over the past couple of weeks which has really got to me. She blatantly said she couldn't be bothered to walk.

OP posts:
Sensibletrousers · 21/07/2023 23:56

Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 23:53

Yes I've looked on there. It's the lying over the past couple of weeks which has really got to me. She blatantly said she couldn't be bothered to walk.

I get it, it is so frustrating, but I don’t believe her! I don’t believe that is the reason, she is trying anything she can to avoid it.

Original poster
Notfeelinghunkydory · 22/07/2023 00:00

She knows she can talk to me about anything. We are very open books and no subject is off limits. She hS no reason to lie to me and I believe her that these last 2 weeks she couldn't be arsed. What confuses me is a few weeks ago she attended 2 days on the trot. One was a school trip to the coast for geography and the other sports day which she didn't participate in but watched with her mates who are all in her classes. 2 days that if she was super anxious would be the 2 days she would avoid??? She walked both days no issue.

OP posts:
OCDmama · 22/07/2023 00:13

My sympathies OP, this sounds like a nightmare.

Going against the grain - look after yourself. You can't pour from an empty cup. See how the antidepressants are working out, and maybe seek counselling if you can.

I can understand why you're so angry with her. Take time to feel angry, there's no point in denying it.

Iolani · 22/07/2023 00:15

I have an anxious son.
Only one example I know of but
Given the days she attended it doesn’t sound like anxiety.
Doing the geog trip to an unknown place….that would be a real anxiety trigger, and yet she went.
If she can’t cope with the noise surely a bus full of excited kids on a trip would be noisy and a sports day also very noisy

It seems she just can’t be bothered to do stuff she doesn’t want to.
The not wanting to walk or not being able to cope with noise is just lies.

Sorry to say this, hope it’s not upsetting, but none of this sounds like anxiety.

Original poster
Notfeelinghunkydory · 22/07/2023 00:18

Not upsetting at all as im starting to think the same. I was expecting her to gasp in horror at the thought of a school trip to somewhere unknown and at sports day. I'm so mad that she's made me look like an idiot fighting for all this and it's just because she can't be arsed to go to school.

OP posts:
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