To feel like I hate her

[Notfeelinghunkydory]

Had an absolute nightmare year. Eldest started Y7 in September and since then we have been dealing with school avoidance due to anxiety. Her attendance ended on 64% with half of that at school but not in lessons. She admitted tonight the past couple of weeks off was because she didn't want to walk to school!!! It's a 20 minute walk! I have been so stressed out and had my antidepressants upped in February when I was signed off with stress due to her school avoidance. I have been signed off again. I'm suffering the physical signs of stress and feel numb all the time. Saw the education officer twice in all that time. Pastoral staff at school have been as helpful as they can be. She's having CBT through mind but has only had a couple of sessions. I have begged Social Services for help as I'm having a nervous breakdown. I feel like I hate her and just looking at her is difficult after everything she has put me through. I don't know how I can get through the holidays but I have my younger child to think of. I dont want to do anythingwith her. I'm dreading September already as I know its all going to happen again.

You are are signed off from work because of stress. So it can’t be a massive leap for you to understand that there is more to her school avoidance than the walk to school. She is dealing with her anxiety in exactly the same way as you are. I would try to get her an EHCP.

If you're so convinced that it's the walking to school she doesn't like, I don't understand why you don't just drive her?

Re the walking.
Can't believe I have only just thought of this.
My daughter ended up in physio because she subtly 'toe walks' I.e. puts her toe not heel down first. Again, a common autism trait.
Does she have a slightly awkward walk at all?

Sometimes when they don't understand the reason themselves children grasp at whatever idea they can, like saying she doesn't like walking. Sometimes people can hold it together for something special. Her making it in those days doesn't mean there's no issues. It great you've been fighting for her, it sounds like you're understandably worn out on it, but don't take a couple days at these events to mean it's all BS and there's no issue.

My DD has anxiety and is Autistic. Regular issues with school refusal since kindergarten. She missed 3 days one week last term because she felt she messed up an oral presentation, went in the fourth day, to do her band concert I thought thank god we're through that but then the next week was off for two more days, then a couple of half days. Anxiety doesn't always make sense.

It's not necessarily as simple as busy and noisy is always an issue. Maybe she got her courage up but then something happened so she was off again. Maybe she had extra motivation to push through those 2 days but that exhausted her. Little things others might not even notice can derail DD, she takes everything to heart, she feels everything deeply, she misunderstands social situations and gets upset because of it. Many of these things she can't articulate, she doesn't even always know when it's anxiety and not a physical illness. Her anxiety often comes out as anger, she scream at her siblings for looking at her, she'll physically hit out.

I really don't think the things your DD is doing mean you've wasted your time and energy fighting her corner, there is something going on for her, there is something she's struggling with. I wish I had some solution for you, it's really tough what you're going through and I can see you've tried lots of ways to access help. All I can suggest is part time attendance might help to get her back to school.

School refusal and anxiety are exhausting and it wears away at you, saps your strength. Just getting DD to her classroom door some mornings leaves me utterly spent. I can't face being near people for a few hours after one of those mornings. She goes through bad patches where it's constant and its so damaging to all of us. When things are bad I have to stay close and she can't cope with her Dad, so the more she's struggling the more I have to carry and the more I struggle. It's bloody hard and worse if it's just you carrying it all.

I really feel for you OP. I think I'd probably be pissed off too. What happens when You tube is removed? Let her have a dumb phone so she doesn't get sucked into it?

Have you ever discussed de-registering her? And then using something like Inter High? Do you work from home?

This is is not helpful..
It's like telling the parent of a child in a wheelchair to impress the importance of getting up and walking.

Get home tutoring, much better 121

Tell her she goes to school or she gets adopted/lives with another family / moves to her dad's. Enough with the bulls**t. It stops now. No way would my parents have let me do this nor their parents. It stops now and she takes responsibility. Lay it down hard and fast. Stop enabling and get your self respect back. Yes I'm being hard on you, so follow through and do the same with your daughter. Give her a boundary.

I experienced this for a bit this year and it has been the most stressful thing I have ever experienced. We are talking (for me) on a par with major stresses.

I find I now get anxiety about my child's school anxiety. It was horrendous.

i am hoping next year is different.

i need to work next school year.

i just want to say that the post from scatterbox resonated and was such a good post.

so no real advice but be kind to yourself.

It is incredibly stressful.

Tomatosandwiches how do you do a parental ECHP request? Who do you approach?

Just adding a different perspective. I used to school refuse as a teenager. I was just a little shit to be honest. Couldn't be bothered with it, would rather hang out at my best mates house who left early. Or I'd sit in my room. I used to have all kinds of excuses for my mum. I'm not sure why people are saying that it must be autism.

It took me till my 20s till I got my arse in gear and went to college to get qualifications to allow me to go to uni.

I'm sure I'll be piled on for this.

Just to start with - I'm fully supportive and sympathetic of anyone with a mental health condition. I struggle with anxiety and was once signed off of work myself.
I've also had various forms of counselling and therapy.

But, although Im sure there is nothing you can about avoid it OP, I wonder how much of an issue it us that your daughter sees her mum regularly signed off of work. To a teenager, might it be "Well you seem to be at home a lot, so why can't I too"?

*do to avoid it

Gently, it sounds like she’s learned avoidance from somewhere at home. You’re signed off work and she wants to avoid school. Could she be mirroring you?

Can you help her build resilience and support her?

What are the school holidays like for her and for your family?

OP the vipers are out. Ignore.
There has been some good advice from posters who have been where you are. Feel free to message.
And please ignore the idiots having a go x

"or she gets adopted" - sure Children’s Services have capacity to take children from otherwise functioning families with moderate school refusal 🙄

OP - her words understandably made you really angry but it's not normal for a healthy 12 year old to refuse to go to school because they don't want a short walk. I would imagine there's subconscious anxiety under that statement. Try to use the summer holidays to reset and have a bit of a plan for September.

If the only thing holding you back from home educating is the fact she won't socialise at all at the moment, maybe ask yourself how much meaningful socialisation she's getting with all this school avoidance going on. However, Home educating is a massive and financially huge decision so not an option available to most.

Plus if you home educate the LA have no more responsibility & you are on your own.

My son has/is putting me through this torture so I get it. I'm in Ireland so no fines, wow, and extra thing for parents to worry about, what a nightmare.

I've had letters from the Dept of Ed which I just left beside the kettle. BUT ONE THING I did a year or so ago was to choose 'me' iyswim. My job, its security, my future, my pension. I make the decisions that will serve me at this point. Because I can't make him help himself. I'm not going to implode begging him to change and then take myself down as a passenger to his problems.

I was just watching something on Russell Brands channel about active surrender and it sounds like ''just do nothing then'' at first read, but there is a sense of relief that comes with it. Let her tank. And then maybe she will emerge from her own rock bottom with a bit of energy.

Absolutely, it can also be really difficult to get them back in a school if you make that decision later on.... I found that out the hard way!

I’d try love bombing her this summer. Just spend time together enjoying each others company. All pressure off. Make no demands on her re discussing school. Get to know her more and then you can work out if it really is anxiety or whatever. Take the attitude that you’ll both deal with school in September and try to enjoy the summer having fun together. It may become more obvious why she doesn’t like school in unguarded moments.

I've been in exactly this situation, although we are some years on from it. Persisted all through secondary but got much much worse during alevels, and honestly looking back I feel so awful that we let her down so badly. She would also admit after particularly bad days that actually she could have gone in - but at the time, in the moment of the panic attack, she couldn't. I later suffered from mental health issues and panic attacks and started to understand a bit better what was going on for her

Although it is difficult I would really encourage you to try and separate your feelings about the behavior/problem from your feelings about your child. It is very very possible that your child is doing the best they can, and needs your unconditional love and support. It is a helpless and impossible feeling situation trying to physically control a teen/ young adult, you need to accept that you can't do this. She needs therapy to get to the heart of the problem, definitely look at SEN, but I honestly wish we had approached it so so differently. We responded to the pressure from school to get her in at all costs and focused on the fallout if she didn't go, fines etc. (and sometimes for anxiety it is better to go in and face the situation you're worried about), but she genuinely couldn't cope with the school environment and I wished we had looked at other options. The fact that even when she is in she isn't attending classes sounds like it's not the right environment.

Can you look at seeing if she wants to move schools, is there funding from the council for tutoring if she needs to be taught in a different setting? I would be trying to find the best mental health support you can and until then try really hard to think about your daughter's illness as a separate thing from you child. Change the story in your head from the one you have, that she is purposefully causing your family this strife and suffering to one where she is trying get best but cannot cope and needs help. Some things you can control and some you cannot, you are all doing your best. There are some really good threads around this mindset change in gentle parenting forums which are written to help cope with difficult behavior of young kids but I think apply right through. If you're interested I could dig out some links, this might also help with your own stress if you stop feeling like this is a situation within your control/ something you can fix
Sorry the father is shit, an awful out of the picture dad was a feature in our story, and actually a very likely cause of the issues in the first place.

I've done all that!

My son used to walk to school for break time and then walk home again. He enjoyed sitting around chatting but wouldn't go to lessons. Even that seemed better than not going at all. So a LOW BAR helped me.

We have been to the GP 3 times. School won't even consider assessment for SEN as she's not there. CAMHS refused her twice.

You are going to have to accept that they are not options for her. I think you need to look to home schooling with tutors