To feel like I hate her

[Notfeelinghunkydory]

Had an absolute nightmare year. Eldest started Y7 in September and since then we have been dealing with school avoidance due to anxiety. Her attendance ended on 64% with half of that at school but not in lessons. She admitted tonight the past couple of weeks off was because she didn't want to walk to school!!! It's a 20 minute walk! I have been so stressed out and had my antidepressants upped in February when I was signed off with stress due to her school avoidance. I have been signed off again. I'm suffering the physical signs of stress and feel numb all the time. Saw the education officer twice in all that time. Pastoral staff at school have been as helpful as they can be. She's having CBT through mind but has only had a couple of sessions. I have begged Social Services for help as I'm having a nervous breakdown. I feel like I hate her and just looking at her is difficult after everything she has put me through. I don't know how I can get through the holidays but I have my younger child to think of. I dont want to do anythingwith her. I'm dreading September already as I know its all going to happen again.

I was a school avoider but I never had any diagnosis’s. Certainly not autistic or anything like that, just very depressed due to home life, shit dad etc. I couldn’t cope being around my peers who all had seemingly perfect lives and the anxiety just built up and up and then I felt ashamed that I’d missed so much school, I started to feel like an oddball and to be honest I’ve never recovered from that.
I must have put my mum through hell, and like you she was a single mother too. Not great when you don’t have a strong partner there to back your up.
I’m sorry you’re going through this OP.
some people will say deregister her, and yes that might solve some problems initially but then if you’re at work you’re not going to be able to encourage her to do her work, the LA will likely get involved and expect all sorts of paperwork etc then you’ll have the same issues you have now but at home. Then when she leaves ‘school’ you’ll have problems getting her to college and then to work.
Has she ever been put on antidepressants? I was put on them when I was 13 and they did help me a lot with my anxiety.
from my own personal experience I would say finding a way to boost her self confidence will really help, because I truly believe alot of it is down to feeling ashamed, and stupid.

School avoidance is sooo hard, solidarity.

It is quite common actually for school avoiders to be able to go in on these special / different days. Not sure why. It's certainly the case with my DC. Anxiety looks different in all kids. It may be fear of classroom setting, being told off for not sitting still, struggling with particular work etc. Mine of which would be asn issue on a trip.

It sounds like you are suffering from compassion fatigue/ blocked care and could do with some specialist counselling.

Nope can't give medication for her and CAMHS have said she doesn't meet criteria for their input. Paediatrics rejected a referral from GP. Only CAMHS can prescribe. She has everything she needs and wants with me. I'm always building her up and say all I ever want her to do is try her best. Absolutely no academic pressure at all.

Very much doubt that is the real reason tbh. It might be a tiny factor some days, but it sounds like she's struggling regardless - otherwise she'd let you drive her in.

What your child is describing in terms of noise, sounds like a strong sensory issue. May be adhd, sensory disorder, anxiety, etc. I'd bring her to gp or start giving her some of your anxiety prescription to see if that helps her. You know how is feels to suffer from your mental health so don't play her issues off as bad behaviour when she may have inherited her mental health risks from you! This may be what bonds you.

Year Seven can be awful, socially. I remember when it was 'first year' at secondary school, and how the girls were at one another's throats, constantly playing mind games. We had one girl turn into a school avoider - it was very rare back then. A member of staff used to collect her from home, and she had to be physically dragged into the car.

Therein lies probably the source of her issues. Went should I give a shit when my own father doesn't. Don't under estimate how deep that may impact her without her even knowing That it is hurting her. She needs counselling.

Compassion fatigue/blocked care describe me exactly at the moment.
She won't let me drive her in if the only reason she doesn't want to go is because she can't be bothered.
I'm not going to give her 40mg of citalopram without a health professionals prescription for her!

She doesn't care about her dad. We split when she was 2.

I've tried to get her to have all the over the counter rescue remedy stuff

Is there anything she does enjoy doing.
Singing, drama, origami?!,! Anything

If she joins a club and engages in an activity that gives her a boost it might help her engage in other stuff ie…have a knock on effect.

She doesn't want to do anything

All year I've been asking if there's any clubs she'd like to do in school or guides etc. Big fat nope

Get a private assessment op! Borrow the money from family / the bank / anyone! Or sell something, whatever you need to do!

Your daughter needs an assessment and needs a calm parent who’s in control.

No one to borrow off. No bank will touch me and nothing to sell!

The court can issue an Education supervision order.
I think this comes via the school.
Will it help? I don’t know but I think you need to talk to the school about her just not wanting to go and they will have to step things up.

It seems at the moment as if you are getting no help. However, you have been assuming she has anxiety and maybe the school think you are looking for excuses to ( which of course you haven’t ) Now maybe without that as an excuse they will take on board the reality of the situation and get their act together. She’s certainly not the first or last kid that doesn’t want to go to school.

If you’re getting no where hound your MP for support.

In fact why not email your MP now.
If you Google your area their name and email address will be online.

Just say it how it is, as you have here on MN and ask what can be done.

An EHCP will very much help. They try to put parents off applying because assessing for and maintaining and EHCP costs £££s.

It's the only thing that will help her now.

Only the DC whose parents fight for an EHCP get a solution to a situation like your DD's.

her dad? The waiting lists for a private assessment in my area is a year anyway. Get on a waiting list and start saving?!

No the consensus is to apply for the EHCP. They have to assess once you apply for one. They can't ignore you then. And what an EHCP will potentially get for her is a quieter setting where she can cope and access an education.

Re the non typical days - I get this. My DD missed the whole of year 9 and lots of year 19 but happily did the D of E trip and other stuff. I thought the same as you at the time but then it dawned on me that she just can't do school.

A non school day without the usual pressures and regiment ... uniform/ smells/ sounds is fine but the unusual days cause a lot less pressure

I know a few people have suggested this too but I am also of the same opinion. Autism in girls Is v easily overlooked and I had no idea that mine was autistic (diagnosed in year 10). They are brilliant maskers so if she is, the school

That doesn't really sound like the truth if she's been previously clear that school is too noisy and busy. "Too noisy and busy" sounds far more likely for a child of this profile.

Sorry posted too soon. The schools miss it completely the whole time. It was CAMHS there suggested that my DD was autistic and I had never even considered that

OP, your post reminded me of something I heard when my DD was newborn and screamed what felt like 24 hours a day: "She's not giving you a hard time, she's having an awful time herself"

I know it must feel bloody awful when you're in the middle of it, but do try to focus on how her behaviour is a sign of distress and help her find a way to the heart of the issue. It may be ASD or something like others have said, or it could be something else. But you need to work it out with her. And she needs to feel like you're on her side.

I was a school refuser a couple of years younger than your daughter. Back when no one knew about how high functioning autism presents in girls. I was a mess. I didn't fit in. I was bullied. I was out of place in the playground and in the classroom. I didn't understand when I was and wasn't allowed to speak up in class. I hated the noises and the business. I hated when I didn't know the plan for the day, or worse if the plan changed. I hated the smells in the school dining room. I hated the bullies who made my life sheer hell. And I definitely didn't tell my parents any of that. Why would I? How was I meant to know that this wasn't normal? That this wasn't what every other child was feeling?

Idiot adults used to mouth platitudes about school days being the best days of your life, and I felt utterly hopeless, because that meant it would never get any better. My parents were pretty good, by the standards of the times, but it never occurred to me that I should tell them what I felt. Because it was what I thought was normal. I went through phases of being dragged to school throwing up every 3rd step. Phases of taking an hour to eat my breakfast, because I couldn't go to school until I'd finished my breakfast. Phases of hysterics every Sunday night, at the thought of another school week. Bribery, not being given any bloody choice, and my parents desperately trying not to let their frustration show, eventually got me through it. I was never happy at school, but I stuck with it, and with college, and university.

It must be very frustrating to be the parent of a school refuser. But please believe me, it is even worse to be the child. What she needs more than anything is your unconditional love. Though I do agree with other posters that pushing for an ASD assessment would be a good idea, as most people I know who went through school refusal have since been diagnosed as on the spectrum.