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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like I hate her

235 replies

Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 22:09

Had an absolute nightmare year. Eldest started Y7 in September and since then we have been dealing with school avoidance due to anxiety. Her attendance ended on 64% with half of that at school but not in lessons. She admitted tonight the past couple of weeks off was because she didn't want to walk to school!!! It's a 20 minute walk! I have been so stressed out and had my antidepressants upped in February when I was signed off with stress due to her school avoidance. I have been signed off again. I'm suffering the physical signs of stress and feel numb all the time. Saw the education officer twice in all that time. Pastoral staff at school have been as helpful as they can be. She's having CBT through mind but has only had a couple of sessions. I have begged Social Services for help as I'm having a nervous breakdown. I feel like I hate her and just looking at her is difficult after everything she has put me through. I don't know how I can get through the holidays but I have my younger child to think of. I dont want to do anythingwith her. I'm dreading September already as I know its all going to happen again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 23:06

I've asked for a meeting with the educational psychologist attached to the school and got told no. I've been told an EHCP won't really change anything. She already has a card to leave a lesson for 5 minutes if she feels overwhelmed, leaves classes 5 minutes early to miss the rush in the corridors, leaves school 5 minutes early again to miss the rush. She takes pack ups so she doesn't have to go in the canteen. I bought her noise calming ear plugs that she's lost. Not sure what else they can do.

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Neurotic90 · 21/07/2023 23:07

While this may be the cause of some of your own mental health problems, you seem to have deemed it fine for you to take time out to deal with your mental health but not your daughter. She might not be capable of communicating why the walk is what's making her want to avoid school.
As other posters have said, it definitely sounds like there could be some neurodivergence at play here. Pretty common for it to be missed in younger girls, with the step up to high school making it more difficult to mask.

TotalllyTireddd · 21/07/2023 23:09

She is having anxiety about the other kids in one form or another. You say no bullying, but something is worrying her about being around the other kids. You need to find out what it is by asking her in a way that shows you genuinely care and can hear whatever she says, and can support her

Original poster
Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 23:10

I aren't dealing with my mental health at all! I'm usually such a happy person and I've been left a shell. I have fought tooth and nail banged my head against a brick wall and no one will help us!

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Original poster
Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 23:10

She doesn't like how busy it is. Steps have been put in place to help with this.

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TotalllyTireddd · 21/07/2023 23:11

Have you spoken to your daughter? Have you asked her what would help? Have you spoken calmly in a way she can genuinely tell you what's wrong? What did she say?

Original poster
Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 23:11

Guess I should just give up, not care and await the fine letters.

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Ilikejamtarts · 21/07/2023 23:12

Unfortunately it doesn't sound like much has changed since I was in school. I am now 32 and I left school at 14, nobody cared and nobody helped. I saw so many professionals and noone could work out my refusal to go. I couldn't Evan tell anyone myself because I didn't know. As an adult though I have thought back to my school years and have come to some sort of understanding, I just wish at the time I knew what it was and could communicate it. One of my biggest issues was actually walking to school as well! I wasn't lazy my any means, but for some reason I was fine doing it one day and suddenly overnight I couldn't.

I really don't have any advice and I do feel for you. Please keep pushing for an explanation from her. There will be something causing this, it may be a question you have already asked and she's lied in response. It may be something she doesn't Evan realise herself and won't until its mentioned.

Original poster
Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 23:13

I did all that months and months ago and me and school put the things I mentioned above in place. She said it was the noise and crowds. Nothing else we can do about that.

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Neurotic90 · 21/07/2023 23:13

Well your poor mental health has meant you've been signed off work. What's so different about your daughter doing the same?
While I can sympathise with the stress it's causing you, you seem more concerned about yourself in this situation than you do your child and why she feels the way she does. Saying you hate your child who is clearly struggling is dreadful, I hope you're just having a rant here and it's not apparent to your daughter you feel this way.

TotalllyTireddd · 21/07/2023 23:13

Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 23:11

Guess I should just give up, not care and await the fine letters.

No, don't give up. I can see how it's wearing you down because you love her and are stressed. But you need to help your daughter. She is so so young and you r the adult. Try again for CAMH, 3rd time lucky and all that? This poor girl sounds like she is crying out for help. Someone needs to help her.

Original poster
Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 23:15

Because me being signed off doesn't mean I'll get letters from the courts saying you must go to work or we will fine you thousands of pounds or you'll go to prison!

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Original poster
Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 23:15

We are both crying out for help and nobody will help us!

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TomatoSandwiches · 21/07/2023 23:16

Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 23:06

I've asked for a meeting with the educational psychologist attached to the school and got told no. I've been told an EHCP won't really change anything. She already has a card to leave a lesson for 5 minutes if she feels overwhelmed, leaves classes 5 minutes early to miss the rush in the corridors, leaves school 5 minutes early again to miss the rush. She takes pack ups so she doesn't have to go in the canteen. I bought her noise calming ear plugs that she's lost. Not sure what else they can do.

Just apply, you don't need the school to do it for you and they obviously don't have your daughters best interest at heart.
Make an application yourself, she will just get worse, I know it is incredibly frustrating but it won't get better at all ever unless you get her the help she needs and trust me, she needs help, she isn't doing this for shits and giggles.

TotalllyTireddd · 21/07/2023 23:16

Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 23:15

We are both crying out for help and nobody will help us!

In the nicest possible way, this is NOT all about you...

dahliadaze · 21/07/2023 23:17

It really sounds like yout Dd needs to be assessed for an EHCP, in some areas it’s the only way to get an Ed psych involved as they are so busy/not enough of them.
If the walk to school is a big barrier then ask the school if they will help you ask the LA for a taxi.

Original poster
Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 23:17

When she's off school I try to engage in conversation about what she's finding difficult and she's up in her room in the dark, ignores me and continues to laugh her head off at YouTube.

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Original poster
Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 23:18

If I say I'll drive her she goes back to the I feel sick, it's too noisy

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Original poster
Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 23:19

No it isn't all about me but without me both kids will suffer even more

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dahliadaze · 21/07/2023 23:19

Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 23:18

If I say I'll drive her she goes back to the I feel sick, it's too noisy

Your DD is struggling to articulate what her problems are, the reasons may change day to day and she may not understand them herself.

Original poster
Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 23:20

So the concensus is to let her stay off school and dont stress about it. Awesome.

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Scatterbrainbox · 21/07/2023 23:20

Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 22:56

I can't afford a private assessment and no one I've turned to feels the need to assess her. People rave about the SEN department at her school but it seems they only bother with children with a diagnosis.

I realise that I am, like everyone else, firing suggestions at you, but this is your real life and you sometimes just have the capacity to do a little at a titime. You will be exhausted.

I think the big priority is asking again for the early help. Once that is in place, you will hopefully have other people fighting your corner over getting an assessment and putting support in place Instead of doing it all by yourself.

See how she goes through summer. Autistic burnout (Google it) is a very real thing and may explain a bit more about what's happening with her. It was an absolute light bulb moment for me and my daughter when I found out about it.

It also smashes apart the school's claim that they can't do anything unless she's in. They need to re-engage her and look to manage the demands on her when she is I'm school, so the burn out doesn't happen if that makes sense.

Original poster
Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 23:22

A social worker came to see us on Tuesday. Not heard a peep since.

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TomatoSandwiches · 21/07/2023 23:23

Notfeelinghunkydory · 21/07/2023 23:20

So the concensus is to let her stay off school and dont stress about it. Awesome.

You need to apply for the EHCP or save up for a private assesment, nothing will kick the ball rolling to actually help your DD which in turn will help you and her sibling.
That IS the only way you can start to change things.
I understand you are venting right now but come back tomorrow and click on the link I posted and start slowly thinking about how you are going to make some progress otherwise nothing will get better.