My DD told me to get an abortion.

[Wowokthanks]

I've name changed because I know a few people who use MN,

Why did she say that to you?

Okay. Any context?

Circumstances???

Is that all we're getting then?

Is she 8? 28? Why did she say that?

A throwaway comment from a very young child? A concerned comment from an adult one? A bit of context might help...

You’ll probably need to post a little bit more of you’re wanting people to help.

What's the context?

LTB

Sorry, somehow posted with half of my first sentence.
Yesterday my DD found out that I'm pregnant with my 3rd, so what would be her second sibling. I have a 15 month old too, after years and years of infertility I had my youngest, and now this surprise has happened, which is great, I didn't want her to be an only child, but it sort of worked out that she was as she was 14 when I had her brother, so she's not really had a sibling in the sense of someone to play with throughout childhood.

Her reaction was not what I was expecting. She told me that she thought I should have an abortion, because we have money issues.

The thing is, we don't really have money issues.
I talk about the cost of living crisis, and have frequent conversations with DH about his financial decisions but we have access to money.
I've not been in a position where I've had to say no to her for anything. She's been on several school trips recently, several cadet camps have been paid for. She has had trips out with friends that have seen her have £50-£70 given to her, for travel, lunch and a few small things. I recently paid £430 for 2 tickets to tye foo fighters for her and her Dad because I thought she would like them.
She has been on holiday twice since December, once to the US, once to France. We're going back to the US in a few weeks time. She decided that she wanted new glasses a few weeks ago, so off we went and she got new glasses at £185.
She wanted to join the gym, so now she has a £50 a month gym membership.
She lost her trainers, so the next day, I took her to get new trainers.

I'm not going to pretend that I'm not worried about the cost of living going up but were really not just about managing to put food on the table, our bills are paid, and she's receiving surplus of everything.
The only thing that's really stopped is, I've stopped spending ££££ on clothes for her, because she just throws them away after 1 or 2 uses so she buys some of her clothes herself unless they're necessary if that makes sense?

I don't feel like it's DDs place to even suggest an abortion, and I can't really see where the thought process is that we're having money problems.

Sorry, I posted with my first half sentence, not even sure how.
DD is 15. Its unlike her to be unkind, but recently I guess she's got it into her head she's going to make big big money when she leaves education, and that our careers have been insignificant. I get the impression we're just so "little" compared to where she views her life going.

What an awful thing for your daughter to say to you, I hope you told her that decision was eff all to do with her and she can keep those sort of opinions to herself in future.

Context is key. I was involved in a conversation with my adult DN and 17yoDD recently. We were discussing choices we'd make in the case of someone DN knows who had a baby by cesarean that day. She knew it was booked.
She is a single parent with little support and has never worked. This is her fifth DC. All were born since 2017, meaning benefits only support two DC. She also receives only sporadic help from the DFs.
We all agreed we wouldn't have continued.

Aged 15 she probably realised it’s more acceptable to suggest money as a reason than the actual reasons she doesn’t want you to have another baby? Less of your time, attention as she’s at a turbulent age. There’s not a lot of info about her in your post but how has she been emotionally since you had your second? Do you think I she’s trying to upset you, or just scared / upset?

Sorry cross post. She's a know it all teen. She'll learn.

It’s none of her business. Tbh, she sounds a bit of a spoilt madam and doesn’t appreciate the simple things of life. She doesn’t get a say in it at all and this is a spiteful thing to say.
Congratulations, by the way!

Obviously it’s your body your choice and it isn’t up to her, but depending on the context and your relationship I’d explore why she is worried about another sibling. It was a clumsy way to express it but you know best, was she trying to be sensitive or was she trying to upset you?

Teenage girls can be incredibly self centered. You need to pick your battles - personally I would tell her to wind her neck and stop being so unpleasant about this, and that her input isn't required.

She probably just doesn't want another sibling. A 15+ year age gap is significant and one small child running around will feel enough for her. It's up to you whatever you do but I wouldn't have anymore without considering the ones I've already had.

From your second post ot sounds like she's spoiled and selfish and what she wants she usually gets, so why wouldn't she except you to have an abortion if that's what she wants!

I can kind of understand a 15yo being mortified at the idea that her parents are having sex - I mean, obviously she knows it happens but you can just ignore it when there isn't an actual baby involved.

I suspect she's using money worries to hide the real reason behind her anger - maybe she doesn't want another baby in the house when she's in the middle of her GCSE's? Maybe she's resentful because she's gone from being an only child to having two small siblings in a very short space of time?

I'm not saying what she said was acceptable but I can kind of understand why she's not thrilled at the idea.

Sounds like she just doesn't want another sibling but has just enough self-awareness to realise that she can't just say that without sounding utterly selfish. I'd respond with a straight bat, you're not having an abortion, this is a wanted child from your perspective, and you don't have money troubles. Having to think about budgeting and not spending flagrantly and indiscriminately does not equal money troubles, and that's an important lesson for her to learn.

Are you having the conversations with your DH about his financial decisions where she can hear them?
She might think things are worse than they are.
Also she was old enough when you had your 15th month old to remember how much attention a baby needs and the toddler still needs and just be having the usual sibling rivalry.
Would you suggest an abortion if she got pregnant? Don't answer me just think about it yourself.
Talk to her about it, we can't say what she was thinking and you don't want pages of people saying how evil your daughter is.

So she's 15/16?

It was a very insensitive thing to say, but teenagers can definitely be that way. Might she have picked up on worry about the cost of living crisis from the media or her friends? It's easy to catastrophise (I'm guilty of doing this myself).

It sounds like you're in an OK position to have another baby if you want to, and it sounds like you very much do want to. You probably have baby stuff left over from DC2 and are in the swing of having a baby, which will all help.

I'd explain to your DD that you're really hurt by what she said, and it's not ever appropriate to tell someone else what to do with their own pregnancy like that. I'd then try to discuss whether she was worried about money or the CoL crisis generally, and maybe have a more grownup discussion with her about where things really are - ie yes, things are tighter for almost everyone right now, but me and your dad are actually doing OK and a third baby won't tip us over the edge.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

Kids will say insensitive things from time to time, don’t hang this over her head. At the same time tell her it’s not her decision. I wouldn’t be hugely offended by it, it’s not worth the hassle. Plus there’s nothing inherently wrong with abortion.