My DD told me to get an abortion.

[Wowokthanks]

I've name changed because I know a few people who use MN,

Having read your 3 posts, OP, she is sounding quite spoiled and entitled.

Thinking you should have an abortion would have been shocking, but to actually say it to you is quite shocking and out of order. And you need to sit her down and pull her up on it this weekend once school is out and you have some time to address her attitude and expectations.

@FoodFann and as part of this educating her daughter over what abortion entails physically and mentally are you also going to suggest the OP does that for pregnancy and childbirth? Or is all the harm that can cause not worth knowing because who wants educated girls and women?

@OhmygodDont ,

You are totally catastrophing!

There are plenty of holidays with children’s/young people’s (up to 17) clubs. I doubt she will be expected to hang around the young ones. Within a couple of years, she can also go away with friends.

Also, she is a teen. She should be going to coffee shops with her mates, not tagging along to soft play.

There is no perfect family structure. Close together can be lovely but it can also be unbelievably tense. Far apart and you can never (well, not for a long time) play together as equals.

And, for a teen, having much younger siblings is a great opportunity to earn babysitting money!

I don't blame her for not being thrilled. But I'd be making it extremely clear that it is absolutely not her place to tell anyone to have an abortion. I'd be really cross if I had a teenager who said that to me (and I have had an abortion, I'm not anti them).

She can talk about her worries for how the baby will affect her without telling you to have an abortion.

New baby aside, she sounds a bit spoilt. Wearing clothes once or twice and then throwing them away???

Totally not the point of the thread but she throws clothes away after only a couple of wears??? God that must make you furious!

I think that kids need to know how much it costs to have a comfortable life. When asked my teen daughter estimated our household income at less than half what it actually is. Because they very often rank how well off they think they are against size of house, how expensive cars are, how flash your holidays are, how expensive your clothes are, how often you get your nails done etc. We live a fairly modest life in some ways in comparison to some other people.

It’s funny because once she realised it she kind of wound her neck in - she knows we’re better off than many of her friends parents (although comparable to some) and she’s quite aware/ sensitive to it.

We never discussed finances in front of our children. They do worry.

My DS was doing his A levels when I got pregnant, he was mortified. He was abroad celebrating end of exams when baby arrived. He adored him as did his older brother once he had arrived.

@Wowokthanks just a thought is your partner thrilled to be a father again?

DD sounds like a spoiled little madam. If she wants money for clothes suggest to her that she gets weekend employment like teenagers used to in the days before they expected the world on a plate.

I always find threads like this fascinating.

If OPs DD was a step daughter everyone would be defending her as the first child.

What she said was unpleasant yes, and shouldn't have been said but she's a teen who probably doesn't even understand how and why she feels that way, well enough to be able to articulate it.

Having been a teen when both of my parents, separately, went on to have further children, it's not all roses. I love my little sibling now but at the time the resentment was high, in fact at times it still is.

He wasn't a "sibling" he was a child my parent and their partner decided to have, he became the reason people missed my parents evenings, that i had to move bedrooms, when they were already struggling (less than I was younger but still) I had even less when actually I needed more...I needed new clothes and hygiene products and to have time spent on me (as did my elder siblings) instead we watched us get pushed to the side in our key years (GCSEs for me and my sister) and him get lavished with everything we wanted and deserved.

Even now as all adults, he's like the prodigal son and we try to live up to him.

It's not easy being the outsider, but it's even less easy to communicate how you feel when everyone else is excited and happy.

So you need to separate the baby issue and the general disrespect (throwing clothes after a couple of wears?! At least sell them) and deal with them as separate things.

I’m not sure why you’re being so sensitive to her ? Yes she needs a sensitive discussion or 2, but I do think she should understand how hurtful and appalling that comment is. Teens also need to understand when they are being awful and be pulled up short at times. This is one of those times. Words have consequences.

Then I’d have sensitive conversations about her place in the family and money. They’re full of bright ideas on how big they are going to be at that age. I’d take it all with pinch of salt until you start seeing it in action. I might be tempted not to be so easy with the money if she thinks everything is so easy and as others say give her a budget.

You need to calm down and approach it with a level head. The fact is you've decided to bring a life into the world without consulting her. All she's doing is airing her view that you should terminate it. It's no more unreasonable for her to tell you to get an abortion than it is for you to tell her you're having another child. You're having this child for you, not her - don't try to pretend otherwise, even to yourself.

I think the point about the money is that in her eyes currently you can't afford to give her the lifestyle she would like, so how is that going to improve if you have the additional expense of another child. A child doesn't have to be particularly bright to know that another sibling is more likely to make their own circumstances worse than better.

You say she's good at engineering subjects. This is probably part of the reason for her (in your eyes) bluntness. Engineering people see things as matters of fact, not emotion. Scientific development requires people who can analyse things and find what's better and what's worse, what's for the greater good. She's just demonstrating this mindset by offering a straightforward solution to your problem (in her eyes).

@Teateaandmoretea ,

Basically, you reassured your child that you were richer than she thought. Of course, there is a risk that she will discuss this with others or become arrogant, but she won’t worry.

That is very different from the OP’s case when she is discussing being worried about the cost-of-living crisis, when she is actually v comfortably off. Especially in a teen, this might cause her to think that her life will be wildly disrupted and she won’t be able to have what all her peers can have.

Dd is like this she's 14

Definitely thinks what we have isn't enough. Money mad and thinks she's going to be "rich" , she's always researching and asking us about jobs that make the most money

I note you haven’t mentioned your DP/DH much. How long have you been together, is he the biological dad of your oldest? What’s the relationship like? Does he work? How is he with your oldest?

I can't imagine there are many fifteen year olds who would be thrilled at the concept of two little baby/toddler siblings - especially when they've spent most of their life as an only child.

I don't agree with what she said but I can totally understand why she's not happy.

I can appreciate that she won't want babies around, how embarrassing for her but she is talking of spending as much time out of the house as she can.

I mean, in the nicest way, can you blame her?

I'd definitely talk to her about it and explain that body autonomy is a thing and that its not her decision and whatever; but the abortion comment aside I'd listen to what she's saying. Not to form a decision of course that's not hers to make, but unless she is always spiteful and hurtful I do think when changing a 15 year olds life so much its good to be able to talk about it- doesn't mean agreeing with her but also giving you a chance to calmly put your point of view and thoughts across. As parental support is required for uni these days is she concerned about this, have you accounted for it? Could it be something deeper about her childhood being harder than her siblings? Often stuff like that brings up irrational feelings. I would have absolutely hated my parents having another child at that age, it's good you don't rely on her to help with them though.

@mortgagequandary ,

There is a big thing with teens, started by the delightful Tate, that people who work, pay mortgages etc are ‘brokies’, and that they will ‘escape the matrix’ and have hot and cold running Bugattis!

Most of ‘escaping the matrix’ seems to consist of ‘drop shipping’ (buying things and reselling them on EBay).

Parents and schools need to do a lot of work to persuade pupils that money isn’t everything and most who attempt this lifestyle, especially if they don’t get educated, will end up very poor.

I was far from an angel, in fact I was a terror at 15 but there is absolutely no way I would have told anyone to get an abortion.

I was aware enough of the trauma involved, people excusing her actions have forgotten what it was like to be 15, yes, she's still a child but she'll be aware enough to know this was a really nasty thing to say.

My best friend was 13 and 14 when her little sisters were born, then her mum got pregnant again when we were 15. She was upset but only confided in me, she had been helping a lot with childcare and her life had changed dramatically as her parents had split up and her mum got pregnant with her new partner very quickly. But I remember her talking to me about it because she didn't want to upset her mum, she wouldn't have dreamt of telling her mum to terminate the pregnancy!

Being honest I wouldn’t pay much attention to what she’s said. I think she’s probably coming from a selfish POV which most 14-15 year olds are at that age.

When I was 13 my close friend (who was an only child and also 13) found out her Mum was pregnant at 43. To say she was devastated was an understatement, she was so so upset. I think she was embarrassed more than anything. Anyway we’re mid-forties now and laugh about how annoyed she was by her brothers arrival. She quite likes him now but they never really grew up together. She was determined not to be involved and went to uni at 18.

I would be having serious words with her! Who does she think she is?! Where is the respect?!
I cannot imagine speaking to my mother that way at that age.

She obviously doesn't want another sibling! I'm not sure that I would at that age to be honest.

The money might be genuine - there is a lot of media coverage about the COL crisis at the moment. However it could also be self preservation. Do you ask her to help with the toddler at all? Is she expecting the new one to be more disturbed nights and bother for her? Will you be expecting her to babysit in a few years to give you a break?

At my sixth form a friend's parents had an unexpected menopause child. My friend missed quite a few parties and nights out because she was expected to babysit which was a shame.

She's a teenaged girl and horrified at you being pregnant.
When I was 16 the mother of a friend had a surprise late pregnancy. My friend moved out for the duration, she couldn't even look at her mother. She met the new arrival and moved home again and all was well.