My DD told me to get an abortion.

[Wowokthanks]

I've name changed because I know a few people who use MN,

No it’s just honest.

I have three children. Not because my older children asked for siblings but because I wanted them. Arguably that’s selfish of me but that’s not always a bad thing.

Of course it has a massive impact on my other children’s lives. As do many other things. It would be naive to expect another baby to just come in to the family and every
one be ok and have no negative feelings about this baby bomb being dropped into the middle of everyone’s lives!

o

I know, OP. And I'm sorry. People are literally making things up in order to defend your DD. I'm not entirely sure why.

After getting over my shock and recovering my speech I would probably tell her to get a civil tongue in her head, probably not as politely, and to keep her opinions to herself. But then, certain thing piss me off to no end.

I’ve only read your posts, @Wowokthanks but just wanted to say congratulations and do whatever is best for you. I think your DD’s comment is horribly misplaced and immature and you should discount it out of hand.

I would have a small amount of sympathy for your DD if her dad was not the father and you were in an unstable or bad relationship. Immature is being polite about her comment.

*People (myself included) are diagnosing that because it obviously IS that. 'Snobbery about money' is a weird reason not to want to have a baby in the house, babies being an annoying pain in the arse when you're a teenager isn't.

Speaking as the oldest of five who was an unpaid babysitter from the age of 11.*

It isn't weird at all. Many people are spoilt. OP has quite clearly explained how this applies to her DD and that she looks down on them for not being richer.

You won’t want to hear this, but your daughter is spoilt from everything you say. Multiple concerts, 2 foreign holidays so far this year, regular nails and hair done, loads of money for days out with friends. This all shows, she is spoiled whether you like it or not.

She already knows how much time her little brother takes up and she doesn’t want to lose even more time with another, especially if it’s a girl.

However, this is your life, not hers, so congratulations and look forward to your new arrival. It is no business of your daughters. She will fly the nest in a few years and not give you a backwards glance.

It'll change massively with two babies instead of one. Babies are hard work.

Given that the OP's DD hasn't exactly reacted with joy at the prospect of another baby, it's possible that she doesn't find her life with a baby at home quite as idyllic as her mum thinks. Mums are typically optimistic about such things, particularly if they actually want more babies.

LIke I said - oldest of five kids here. 17 years older than the youngest. I love all my siblings - although barely know the youngest as I left home when he was one - but I didn't love the chaos of sharing a home with much younger siblings when I was a teen.

I think you need to have a chat with her where you explain to her that it's not ok to tell an expectant mother whether you think they should get an abortion or not. That's just a good life lesson and at 15 she may have a friend or classmate getting pregnant soon - or a teacher/neighbour etc - and she'll do well to keep any thoughts on it to herself.

Then the money question is separate. Ask her what makes you think you're short of money (I have to say it sounds like you have TONNES of money with "provision" for everything mapped out right up to an £8k car which I'm not sure any 19 year old needs). I think you need to listen to her answers quite critically, because it really could go either way. Is she genuinely worried that you won't have enough for everyone to have the essentials? Or is she (as I suspect) worried that her extremely generous treats allowance will be reduced?

Absolutely right, can't possibly have people learning for its own sake. Must churn out lots of compliant little economic units only.

Tell that to the thousands of graduates working in 'economic unit' jobs.

You see I find this kind of response crazy. In our house we are all really open, family business is everyones business. Of course our financial situation is our teens business, of course, something as huge and life-altering as adding another person to the household is our teens business. Openness breeds openness and that is really important as your children grow up and need independence.

False argument.
Just because self entitled dd doesnt jump with joy doesnt mean things arent good at home.
Most teenagers hate their life at some point, usually when being asked to wash a dish.

This is why ‘not wanting for anything’ is a really bad of raising a child. It sounds like she excels in not thinking about anyone than herself. If I’m generous I would say she has just gotten used to another sibling and along comes another one, she may well be fearful how this impacts on the family dynamic.

Your decision to have another child is none of herbusiness and she has been incredibly rude by suggesting you have an abortion.

Since when? News to me so please share!

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/news/2023/january/martin-lewis-university-parental-contribution-help-costs/
You can read about it here.

Absolutely! Surely no one can argue with that?!

Many have.

so does it go both ways then?
so if OP’s daughter demanded her mother get pregnant and have another baby op should go along with it as daughter has equal say to her and her husband?
no, there is a natural hierarchy and teens need to know their place within that. It’s better for everyone that way.

FWIW I was being snarky as I think this thread is batshit.

This was covered earlier on. A poster informed us that if dd was pregnant at 15 the mum might advise an abortion so this was exactly the same thing and mum.should just take it. I think that was mi favourite contribution after the one who said that having more than one child is selfish.

Yes the first part of this.

Someone implied earlier that because her brain isn't yet fully developed then she shouldn't have to consider OP's feelings or impact on her at all and should only ever just be validated. I think that's bang out of order.

How will teens learn respect and empathy for others if occasionally they aren't pulled up on things? I know that my parents pulled me up on shitty things I said or did and I'm glad they did.

If people's feelings are only ever validated they just become more and more intolerant, inflexible and self righteous. You can validate the feelings but not the words or the behaviour. Address how you felt when she said it and then talk to her about what's driving it. Don't just turn a blind eye to bilge coming out of her mouth.

@Outdamnspot23 I was called truly awful earlier for suggesting DD is bothered about having less money despite the fact that's exactly what she said.

Of course dd will be concerned about fold and bills and rent, not at all about her clothes and phone and nails and 'social life's.

Not.

She probably feels like her calm and comfortable home life has been completely upended once already, and now it starts again. Also presumably you don't have the same time and attention to give her as you previously did.

I think it's unfair of posters to call her spoilt. Of course she shouldn't have said what she did but she's 15, cut her some slack.

If your husband is not her bio dad (presuming he's not with such an age gap) then she must feel like an outsider in her own home.

I am wondering who is the child and who is the adult in that house?

It is a bizarre thread op has to parent her child god forbid.

If OPs do not want to court controversy, don't start a thread in AIBU with a click bait headline then no explanation in the OP as if you are a guttersnipe journalist shilling for the Daily Shite. Post it in the appropriate topic section instead, call it something slightly less emotive, and include all the detail in the first post.